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Literary fusion/romantic infusion: Rosa Praed and Justin McCarthy
Author: Susan Laverick, Charles Sturt University, Australia
Laverick, Susan. "Literary Fusion/Romantic Infusion: Rosa Praed and Justin McCarthy." Fusion Journal, no. 1, 2013.
'It's quite curious how the styles blend. I don't think anyone could tell, in this chapter, where you stop and where I go on' – Praed Papers: 8/10/115 (July 17 1885).
Literary fusion – the convergence of styles and creative energy created by colluding authors – is seldom considered by Australian literary criticism and yet the Praed/McCarthy collaboration is exceptional. Rosa Praed (1851-1935), controversial author of Nadine (1882) met Charles Stewart Parnell's parliamentary deputy, Justin McCarthy (1830-1912), at an English country house party. McCarthy, a political author himself, fell deeply in love with the brilliant young Australian; she regarded him as a beloved mentor.
Their communion of minds produced a richly textured collaboration infused by passion for the 'writing compact' as the 'dearest colleagues' described their mutual work. This was a creative fusion of the highest order, one indeed which twenty-first century media directors might envy: synergy in writing styles, unity of narrative vision and creative integrity. It also provided McCarthy with a vehicle in which love for Praed might be encoded and private fantasy indulged.
This paper explores the rhetoric of nineteenth-century literary fusion – intensely psychological, deeply emotional and finely-wrought. It also, however, acknowledges the negative kinetics of fusion – fragmentation – evident when McCarthy's passionate love for Praed threatened to destabilize collaborative equilibrium.
In his Autobiography (1873), John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) paid tribute to his writing partnership with Hart Taylorier Mill (1807-1858) where even 'thoughts and speculations were completely in common' (241). For Mill, On Liberty (1859) epitomized the finest moment in their collaboration, for there was not 'a sentence…which was not several times gone through by us together, turned over in many ways, and carefully weeded of any faults, in either thought or expression' (Autobiography 251-2). Mill insisted that it was immaterial which partner wielded the collaborative pen (presumably for the sceptics who had dismissed Harriet's role in his work) because 'the one who contributes least to the composition may contribute most to the thought; the writings which result are the joint product of both, and it must often be impossible to disentangle their respective parts and affirm that thing belongs to one and that to the other' (241).
Mill's experience of co-authorship, 'not the work of one mind, but the fusion of two' (190), provides an eloquent entrée to a paper which explores another perfectly conceived, although less celebrated, nineteenth-century collaborative relationship: Australian author Rosa Praed (1851-1935) and the Irish Nationalist politician, Justin McCarthy (1830-1912). Examples of co-writing in the nineteenth-century Australian canon are rare, although a collaborative relationship featured in The Bulletin between literary editor Alfred George Stephens (1865-1933) and journalist J.F. Archibald (1856-1919). Yet Praed's collaboration with McCarthy is only a footnote (if that) in Australian literary annals; even Dale Spender reduces it to a brief sentence in her excellent survey of the canon's significant women writers (174). More famous literary partnerships are heralded into the twentieth-century by Marjorie Barnard (1897-1987) and Flora Eldershaw (1897-1956) writing as 'M. Barnard Eldershaw', or Vance Palmer (1885-1959) and Nettie Palmer (1885-1965) (Carter 266).
So how should we define collaboration? How do the writings of Praed and McCarthy merit the term 'literary fusion' and a place in this fine new journal? These questions will be addressed in the paper's following sections: 'Victorian literary collaborations and theoretical contexts' provides a theoretical orientation of collaborative writing in the nineteenth-century and locates the Praed/McCarthy partnership within it; 'Mis-en-scène, two authors' offers a snapshot of two authors poised on their collaboration (1884-1889); 'Narrative mis-en-scène' examines the work in which it is most perfectly realized, The Right Honourable: A Romance of Society and Politics (1886) and includes reference to critical reception and narrative landscape; 'Dialogic collaboration and atrophy' examines literary fusion from the perspective of the authors' correspondence during their drafting of The Right Honourable. These letters form part of the Praed Papers at the John Oxley Library, State Library of Queensland. They provide an intimate glimpse of a remarkable Victorian friendship between a sensitive, erudite man and a brilliant, but complex, woman.
In her outstanding biography of Rosa Praed, Patricia Clarke notes that the Praed/McCarthy collaboration had 'petered out' by 1889 (103) as other commitments claimed the authors' attention: Praed's urgent need to supplement a dwindling family income with more rapidly penned novels and McCarthy manic political schedule as the Parnell crisis deepened. There is, however, another dimension to the collaboration's demise which should also be considered because embedded in the rhetoric of this deeply emotional and finely-wrought writing compact was an unequal love which gradually fragmented its perfectly calibrated literary fusion. McCarthy's letters articulate an increasingly passionate attachment which Praed finds confronting because of her distaste for sexual love. Like many authors reluctant to expose their private lives to posterity, Praed destroyed her letters to McCarthy when they were returned by his executors after his death. Yet certain letters, possibly too precious to burn, survive as typed extracts pasted into her private notebook. Although this offers, as Clarke suggests, a 'censored view' (89) of the relationship, its nuances can be reconstructed thanks both to these extracts and McCarthy's letters.
Victorian literary collaborations and theoretical context
So where does the Praed/McCarthy collaboration belong on the Victorian time-line of literary collaborations? I have already mentioned John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) and Harriet Taylor Mill (1807-1858), but others include Robert Browning (1812-1889) and Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861), Charles Dickens (1812-1870) and Wilkie Collins (1824-1889), George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans) (1819-1880) and George Henry Lewes (1817-1878), Andrew Lang (1844-1912) and H. Rider Haggard (1856-1925), Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894) and his step-son, Lloyd Osborne (1868-1947), Joseph Conrad (1857-1924) and Ford Maddox Ford (1873-1939) (Ehnenn 25). There were also the late-Victorian literary partnerships between women, including Vernon Lee (1856-1935) (Violet Paget) and "Kit" Anstruther-Thomson (1857-1921), Somerville and Ross (Edith Somerville (1858-1949) and Violet Martin (1862-1915)). I will return to the Dickens/Collins collaboration shortly.
What then is literary collaboration and what are its implications for textual authority? The Mills demonstrated how the fusion of intellectual and creative energy might produce seamless narratives in which textual authority was shared equally. Praed and McCarthy similarly proved how the single author could be set aside, sans complexe, in a collaborative writing partnership. As Praed and McCarthy co-draft The Right Honourable, plot gracefully unfolds, dialogue and prose merge seamlessly together, while strongly-sketched characters command a vibrant narrative landscape. To date, however, the absence of scholarly research into the Praed/McCarthy literary partnership precludes a wider discussion of their method of writing.
A modern theoretical model can, on the other hand, yield some useful insights. At the time of their seminal work Singular Text/Plural Authors (1990), Lisa Ede and Andrea Lunsford were English professors at Oregon State University and Stanford University. Their rejection of primary and secondary authorship in their own collaborative academic writing led to an interest in co-authorship. After researching the co-writing practices of three business communities, including over twelve hundred participants, they observed two modes of collaboration. Firstly, the 'hierarchic mode' where co-writing is 'carefully, and often rigidly structured, driven by highly specific goals, and carried out by people playing clearly defined and delimited roles' which were 'designated' by 'a senior member or leader of the group'(133). This writing was typically conservative and generally favored by male participants. Secondly, the 'dialogic mode' which 'is loosely structured and the roles enacted within it are fluid; one person may occupy multiple and shifting roles as a project progresses' (133). Creative tensions in this mode are regarded as facilitating, rather than obstructing, narrative landscape and textual authority. Ede and Lunsford observed the dialogic mode in collaborations between the female participants of their research.
These 'modes' may arguably be applied to nineteenth-century literary collaborations: the Mills' collaboration, for instance, would belong to the 'dialogic mode' and also, as will become clear in this paper, the Praed/McCarthy writing compact. The deep intellectual regard in which Mills and McCarthy held their female co-authors made them well-suited for a co-writing mode where roles were not assigned, creative tensions enhanced collaborative unity and partners had equal stature. Indeed, McCarthy placed publishing matters of pricing and royalties entirely in Praed's hands because she was 'a very good woman of business' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, January 1888, Praed Papers, 8/9/9).
The non-hierarchic mode in which Praed and McCarthy write becomes even more striking when juxtaposed with the hierarchic mode of Charles Dickens and Wilkie Collins, their nearest contemporaries in nineteenth-century collaborative writing. Like Praed and McCarthy, the authors had independently established writing careers and commitments to other projects during the collaboration. Charles Dickens was already a celebrated writer when the young Wilkie Collins started working on his periodical Household Words in 1855. Initially in awe of his brilliant mentor, Collins hoped Dickens' disciplined writing practices would enhance his own work. Dickens, on the other hand, was attracted to the novelty of 'writing a book in company' with an author whose work he admired, while arrogantly secure in his self-described stature as 'the Inimitable' ('Collaborating in Open Boats' 203). Over the next decade, however, Collins increasingly resented Dickens' refusal to acknowledge his creative contributions and sly habit of meeting publishers without him (Nayder 3-5). Dickens was mindful of his seniority and relished correcting the younger writer's work. He also became critical of Collins' scandalous private life, a case of gross hypocrisy given his own affair with actress Ellen Terry (1847-1928). Anxiety about textual authority and mutual vanity thus tarnished the collaboration and, eventually, the friendship itself. Yet if tensions of textual authority were absent in the Praed/McCarthy partnership, there were, as shall be seen, challenges of a very different nature to be surmounted.
What then does the Praed and McCarthy's jointly authored text speak of? Their chosen vehicle was political romance, a genre popularized by Anthony Trollope (1815-1882), George Meredith (1829-1909) and McCarthy himself. Interestingly, Meredith had been Praed's reader at the publishers, Chapman and Hall, giving invaluable feedback on her first novel, An Australian Heroine (1880). The Victorians loved literary portrayals of the private lives of their political leaders, so The Right Honourable enjoyed considerable success with the reading public. Savouring her proximity to McCarthy's Westminster career, Praed studied 'the activities of the House of Commons, from every standpoint available to an outsider' (Our Book of Memories 3). Yet equally imprinted in this novel is Praed's concern with feminine disempowerment and the inequities created by the Matrimonial Causes Acts (1858- 1878). Divorce is never a solution for Praed's oppressed wives, but a punishment which can lead to loss of respectability, income and even custody of children. In The Bond of Wedlock (1887), Ariana Lomax stoically endures an abusive marriage because she fears the repercussions of divorce. John Ruskin's seminal essay Lilies Of Queens' Gardens (1865) portrays the marital home as a sanctuary of wifely comfort which facilitates masculine success in the public domain. Praed, however, exposes the fault-lines in orthodox Victorian sexual ideology: home in The Right Honourable is a toxic abode, the scene of distressing bullying by a husband who blames his wife for a failed political career.
Mis-en-scène, two authors
Elegant and striking rather than conventionally beautiful, Rosa Praed's immense vivacity and intellectual interests had made her very popular at London society soirées. Yet the whirlwind of receptions with authors and philanthropists, politicians and spiritualists, masked deep private unhappiness. She had been married to Campbell Praed for a decade but husband and wife were chronically incompatible: he was indifferent to her intellectual interests and frequently unfaithful, while she loathed sexual intimacy and felt emotionally isolated. The added burdens of financial worries and four young children, including a profoundly deaf daughter, led to frequent bouts of depression. Despite these difficulties, Praed had conquered London's patriarchal publishing world with her novels of Queensland's colonial society. An Australian Heroine (1880) was followed by Policy and Passion (1881) while her most recent work, Nadine: The Study of a Woman (1882), had established her reputation as a writer prepared to take risks. Nadine boldly explored domestic violence, illegitimacy and portrayed a heroine who flouted conventional codes of feminine sexual conduct.
At this juncture in her life, Praed needed an intimate friend with whom to share her intellectual and literary passions. During the summer of 1884, she was invited to a dinner party at Rushden Hall in Northamptonshire by her literary advisor, Frederick Sartoris. Among the guests was a fifty-three-year-old Westminster politician who had particularly requested an introduction to Mrs. Praed and disliked '…making dolls and pets of women – for feeding them metaphorically on sugar plums or treating them as if they were odalisques' (Our book of Memories 5). Sophisticated, charming and erudite, Justin McCarthy would be Praed's literary collaborator for six years and friend until his death in 1912. Although he claimed that a woman should be a man's 'companion' and 'comrade'(5), McCarthy's attachment to the much youngerMrs.Campbell Praed became deeply romantic.
In 1884 McCarthy's political career was flourishing although there was a void in his personal life, Mrs. McCarthy having died a few years previously. As Deputy Leader of the Irish Nationalist Party, he was closely associated with the charismatic Charles Stewart Parnell (1846-1891) and Irish Home Rule. When not speaking in the House of Commons, dining with the Prime Minister or attending to constituency business in Longford, Ireland, McCarthy wrote literary reviews for the Daily News (a journal started by Charles Dickens), constitutional history and political romances, including Dear Lady Disdain (1875) and Miss Misanthrope (1878) (Clarke 91). McCarthy had been impressed by Nadine and was keen to meet its young Australian author. He might perhaps 'help' Praed in future literary endeavours, a relationship which Praed happily imagined as 'master and pupil' (Our Book of Memories 9). It was, from the very beginning, a friendship in which writing, both epistolary and narrative, played a nurturing role. Many years later, when frail and blind, McCarthy reminisced that 'those memories of our work together carry me back to my brightest hopes and enjoyments…' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, July 8 1906, Praed Papers, 8/10/43).
'Master and pupil' quickly settled into a relationship of equality and trust, where McCarthy relied on Praed as his political confidante and literary colleague, while Praed developed the confidence to critique his more ponderous prose. Many of McCarthy's letters were written from the Members' Lobby of the House of Commons while waiting for a division. As the daughter of a Queensland cabinet minister, Praed was fascinated by Westminster and frequently sat in the Ladies' Gallery, an enclosed, claustrophobic box where women could observe debates in the House. Afterwards, she would lunch with McCarthy in one of Westminster's private dining rooms or enjoy afternoon tea on the Terrace. In 1886, Praed, with her husband as chaperone, even accompanied McCarthy on his successful political lecture tour of America.
As the Parnell crisis unfolded in the late 1880s, McCarthy shared its critical developments with his 'dearest' and 'sweetest colleague'. Parnell's political career was ruined when salacious details of his adulterous affair with Katherine (Kitty) O'Shea became public domain in a divorce case lodged by her husband, a one-time political colleague. The Irish Catholic Church viciously disowned Parnell, followed swiftly by the Irish Nationalist Party, so when Gladstone withdrew the British Government's essential political support, Parnell's career was destroyed and with it, quite tragically, the prospect of Irish Home Rule. McCarthy then assumed temporary leadership of the party but even before the crisis, many Nationalists favoured McCarthy's leadership. In 1887 he confides that there is talk of 'dethroning Parnell, if need should be, and setting me up as leader' and begs Praed's indulgence for his 'pardonable vanity' in sharing this with her (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, November 1886, Praed Papers, 8/10/87). He craves conversation with his 'dearest friend' or reproves her for complaining that he has been evasive about particular developments in the political drama, 'do you think for a moment that I would keep anything secret from you? I have not seen you for days' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, December 1888, Praed Papers, 8/9/58).
Such anecdotes demonstrate Praed's intimate presence in McCarthy's personal and political life. She, on the other hand, requests his editorial advice on draft manuscripts, including Miss Jacobsen's Chance (1886) or The Bond of Wedlock's controversial stage adaptation, Ariane. McCarthy asks her to read Camiola (1888) to check descriptions of feminine dress or add her magical touch to wooden dialogue. Recognizing one another as kindred spirits, the collaborative instinct was aroused after their first meeting. McCarthy informs 'dear Mrs. Praed' that he is delighted to anticipate 'working in literary companionship' with her (Typed extracts, Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, July 1885, Praed Papers, 8/10/115). He likes her ideas for plot but they can discuss further 'the story of an ambitious man who is willing in the end to sacrifice everything to the sweet wild flower girl…' (Our Book of Memories 10).
Collaboration was delayed for several months as both authors were already committed to separate literary projects but The Right Honourable's embryonic manuscript was discussed at long meetings in Praed's country residence, Chester House, Irchester. As writing commenced, each author would exchange pages of text for 'touch-up', ruthless scrutiny or revision. How did they manage to blend their very different literary styles? McCarthy's often pompous, self-conscious prose favoured political and social panoramas; Praed's lyrical voice was at its best when constructing intimate emotional scenes. Yet somehow, combined, they achieved a seamless fusion in textual landscape. Praed is exhilarated by the co-writing project but proud of her own reputation and draws McCarthy's attention to the glowing reviews she has received for Australian Life Black and White (1885). 'I should not like to be abused,' she writes firmly, 'and then shelter myself under your name (Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, 26 February, 1885, Praed Papers, 8/10/91).
Scholars addressing the rhetoric of nineteenth-century literary collaboration have often privileged textual, rather than personal, dynamics. Whidden, in his elegant introduction to a series of essays on nineteenth-century French literary collaborations, focuses on 'the very nature of collaborative texts' (5) thus avoiding the more speculative territory implicated in the 'mind of the writer' trope. Yet the Praed/McCarthy collaboration is shaped by a convergence of the textual and personal because its writers are soul-mates. This dynamic infuses The Right Honourable when senior Westminster statesman, Sandham Morse, falls in love with Kooràli Kenway, the beautiful young wife of a political colleague. Long before their love is articulated, the two characters enjoy a deeply emotional and spiritual communion.
Much as she delighted in such complicity with McCarthy, Praed shrank from sexual love. A typed extract from the summer of 1885 confirms this aversion – it is apparent she has reprimanded him for some transgression 'I fancied that my frank speech had wounded you and I felt too…that you give me so much for so little that is material and satisfying for a man. My companionship, my sympathy even my affection you have indeed. For the rest, you understand me and why I shrink from a side of life that has always repelled me' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, Summer 1885, Praed Papers,18/13/1). During the collaboration, Praed's moods are contrary and volatile, swinging from delight in McCarthy's high regard for her, to rejection of his fervent emotion (and, let us be frank, desire). She oscillates between craving his attention while trying to temper it. I am convinced that Praed herself did not know what she wanted from McCarthy. At one point, she records the mutterings of her maid who tidies her boudoir while she reclines in bed writing to him. The maid sniffs disapprovingly 'literary sympathy & partnership & looking after you & all that. It's your husband that should do that for you….Oh I know where that kind of thing leads to' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, Praed Papers, 1887, 8/10/115). Why mention this when she was constantly guarding against 'that kind of thing'? Is it a faltering attempt at flirtation? With Praed, of course, one never knows.
After three collaborative novels, the partnership ceased, although their friendship endured until McCarthy's death. The Rebel Rose (1888) suffered in quality as narrative fusion fragmented. When reading its proofs, McCarthy flatly observes that 'improved joinery' is required because the novel has 'all the defects of construction that might be looked for in a book put together by two authors who for months were thousands of miles asunder' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, 2 March 1888, Praed Papers 8/9/19). Even allowing for delays in manuscripts reaching McCarthy on his political travels, or Praed's preoccupation with family crises and literary obligations, 'improved joinery' was an alien phrase in their lexus and symptomatic of fragmentation. What a dramatic contrast to those heady summer days in 1885 when McCarthy had visited Praed at Chester House to synergize The Right Honourable. Yet perhaps nothing could have surpassed this first, almost-perfect, novel. By 1888, McCarthy can no longer conceal his passionate love and, as I have observed in 'Dialogic collaboration and atrophy', Praed subsequently imposes rigid controls on their meetings and his emotions. Terrified of losing her, he complies. Had Praed reciprocated McCarthy's romantic and sexual interest, the association might well have produced a procession of exceptional novels. It is a tantalizing thought.
Narrative mis-en-scène
The Right Honourable was described by Gladstone as 'a very beautiful and interesting book' (W.E. Gladstone to Justin McCarthy, November 1889, Praed Papers, 8/10/2). It achieves a sophisticated synthesis in the styles two very different writers. Praed, always hyper-critical of her own literary productions, was delighted when the editing proofs arrived. 'It's quite curious,' she triumphantly informs McCarthy, 'how the styles blend. I don't think anyone could tell, in this chapter, where you stop and where I go on' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, Summer 1885, Praed Papers, 2/10/115). Published by Chatto and Windus in three volumes, the novel enjoyed critical success in London. Its joint authorship provoked critical debate regarding the literary merits of co-writing. The Spectator, for example, regards the 'experiment of collaboration' as offering 'both writers at their best' (15 May,1886: 661). The Morning Post admires the work's collaborative writing and commends the authors' portrayal of 'the hot-bed of "London society"' (10 May, 1886:2). The Age opines that Praed's writing is of 'marked individuality and of distinctively Australian (Queensland) colouring' (12 June, 1886: 4). It admires her 'risky experiment' of collaborating with McCarthy, 'a well-known contemporary litterateur and politician' (4). The Melbourne reviewer regards Praed's writing as superior to McCarthy's more contrived prose, particularly regarding 'passion and fervency' (4). The Argus, conversely, dislikes the authors' collaborative art and 'flavour of unwholesome sexuality' (12 June, 1886:13).
Although this is a narrative whose plot is supplied by Praed and political details by McCarthy, Praed immerses herself in parliamentary affairs by attending House of Common's debates so that she too can contribute to political mis-en-scène (Our Book of Memories 3). McCarthy, on the other hand, delights in adding touches to Kooràli's engaging character. Working in dialogic collaborative mode, there is no formal division of labour because narrative tasks are co-shared, a point emphasized by the authors in their forward to the novel 'every character, incident, scene, and page is a joint work, and was thought out, and written in combination. Whatever the book is, it is not patchwork'.
The Right Honourable follows the career of Sandham Morse, former Premier of South Britain. On the eve of his departure from Australia, Morse has a brief but significant encounter with the charming eighteen-year-old Kooràli Middlemist. He leaves Australia because his political destiny lies in Westminster and the House of Commons. Ten years intervene, during which time Morse marries the daughter of the Marquis of Germillion, Lady Betty and creates a parliamentary power-base. He becomes a cabinet minister and serves as Secretary of State. Morse, however, is a political radical and favours republicanism once the present incumbent of Buckingham Palace dies. This ideology shocks his aristocratic wife, her family and the conservative peers of his political acquaintance. His friendship with the socialist, Stephen Masterson, yields further conflicts of interest but the most poignant dynamic, in terms of the authors' collaboration, resides in Morse's personal life. This is complicated by the arrival from Australia of Mr. and Mrs. Crichton Kenway. Kenway is an ambitious career politician whose wife is none other than Kooràli, now a strikingly beautiful twenty-eight-year-old woman. Kenway, an unscrupulous opportunist, instructs her to network on his behalf in London's salon society to facilitate political patronage for his faltering career. He will use any advantage, including Morse's attraction to his wife, to achieve this.
The communion between Morse and Kooràli, where 'conventional phrases jarred' (64), and 'silent sympathy and trust' (67) prevail, contrasts dramatically with Kenway's psychological abuse of his wife. The authors portray human emotions with extraordinary empathy and it is difficult, if not impossible, to identify their separate narrative voices. Consider, for example, chapter thirteen ('The Terrace') in which Kenway crudely instructs Kooràli to make herself agreeable to men who might advance his political career while, of course, preserving her virtue. This is suggestive of McCarthy's voice.
'We are in a hole, and we must get out of it. If I can't persuade the banks to give me another leg-up I must go to the Jews. Go to the House….and get Morse to give you some coffee. Go with him for a walk on the terrace, and make the running with him -in politics, my dear – as for flirtation, I suppose you are both above that – but keep an eye for my interests, and don't shirk being introduced to any fellows worth knowing' (112).
A glance, however, at the 'Deleted Scenes' for this chapter in Praed's literary notes reveals her penmanship. Kenway expects Kooràli to encourage Morse's interest, confident that he has no 'hidden' (sexual) agenda because 'if I thought he had, I would never allow it' (Deleted Scenes from The Right Honourable, Praed Papers,12/6/61). Kenward neither wants nor respects his wife, but he certainly does not intend any other man to have her. Kooràli enquires what he means by "motives" and Kenway replies, 'I know that his feeling about you is only that he values you intellectually – that there is nothing else – if I thought there was he should never come here' (12/6/61). Praed confides this has been a difficult chapter to write and welcomes McCarthy's perspective. 'I want the chapter to be closed. It is my artistic self which fuels this strongly. I think you would teach me a great deal if we were together as we have been here – especially during the last two days. But it is wiser if there is the re-reading' (12/6/61). She concludes enthusiastically 'tell me all you think of Morse, of Kenway, of Kooràli – tell me, tell me, all I want to know' (12/6/61).
Kooràli Kenway's rapport with Morse, her interest in his parliamentary career and sympathy for his radicalism, recalls Praed's deep interest in McCarthy's political life. As Kooràli's marriage deteriorates, Kenway's despicable weaknesses are accentuated by Morse's integrity. He is the man she should have married (sub-text, McCarthy is the man Praed should have married). Morse is drawn to Kooràli's beauty, intelligence and sympathy for his republican agenda. He will eventually consider sacrificing his political future as Prime Minister for a life in America with the woman he loves so deeply.
Praed's complicity in this narrative landscape is rendered more complex by the irresistible parallels which may be drawn with the authors' own lives: senior Westminster politician (McCarthy) meets vivacious young Australian (Praed) and they are instantly attracted; she supports his political agenda (Praed endorsed Irish Home Rule) and is unhappily married to an inferior man (Campbell Praed). When scripting scenes between Morse and Kooràli, Praed insists that 'the love-making between them should be clear to the reader…it needs [to be] strong, subtle' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, Praed Papers, 8/10/115). This was written during the exhilarating summer of 1885 when Praed is flattered, but perhaps not yet overwhelmed, by McCarthy's interest. He, however, fluctuates hopelessly between companionable and romantic complicity. As McCarthy quietly falls in love with his co-writer, Praed deftly scripts their protagonists' love-scenes. The love affair in the narrative is doomed because of Kooràli's selfless renunciation of Morse's sacrifice and her stout refusal to abandon her children. It may also be read as a love by proxy, one which the co-writers neither dare to articulate (McCarthy) nor wish to acknowledge (Praed). Whether role-playing or genuinely exploring their narrative landscape, this was a heightened period of literary fusion, as indeed their letters attest.
Dialogic collaboration and atrophy
In her introduction to the political life of Justin McCarthy, published shortly after his death in 1912, Praed suggests that 'long dissertations….upon the methods of producing a novel in collaboration would naturally bore the general reader' (Our Book of Memories 10). The surviving extracts of her correspondence with McCarthy (summer of 1885) fortunately offer insight to the fellowship which animated their dialogic literary collaboration. Letters were often exchanged on a daily basis and when not corresponding, they were in one another's company. At one point, having returned to political strife in Westminster, McCarthy has obviously mentioned sacrificing politics for a literary life. Yet Praed is astute in her judgement of her friend and observes that he '…wouldn't like to be away from it [parliament] for long. The gaieties you could well dispense with, but not the politics and if you were in the "cool, quiet, darkened spot" you would soon want again the fret and fever and rush and scurry of London' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, July 1885, Praed Papers, 8/10/115).
Praed consciously links McCarthy with Morse, the republican politician who would willingly sacrifice his political career for Kooràli. As the daughter of a politician and familiar with the aggressive world of colonial politics, Praed understands the addiction of political power. She reminds McCarthy that their fictitious statesman 'would not have been happy had he given up that fevered life. Morse was in mid-career, remember. He was forty-five – a time when I think it must be hardest for a man to give up – even love….and love doesn't last' (8/10/115). The writers' exhilaration is evident: McCarthy is delighted with their plans and sends Praed a gift of a pen, hoping that she approves of his 'little additions' to the manuscript. 'I begin to see our way,' he exclaims in pleasure, 'and it gladdens me' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, August 1885, Praed Papers, 8/10/7). External, rather than personal factors interrupt writing flow. McCarthy's love is, for the moment, prudently concealed. A parliamentary election in Longford, for example, necessitates his prolonged absence from London. Praed's social commitments as the wife of an English country gentlemen, the absence of the children's governess, Miss Callow and a concurrent writing commitment, The Head Station (1886), interfere with her work on their manuscript. Praed is a literary perfectionist and sends McCarthy what she fears are imperfect drafts of Kooràli's character, who is 'too much the conventional child of nature'(Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, 1885, Praed Papers 8/10/115). She also instructs McCarthy to add 'a touch or two to Morse' because 'the plot needs strengthening and crystallising' (8/10/115)
Their delight in each other is almost tangible and after another long walk along the River Nene, Praed happily acknowledges that 'there is such true companionship of mind between us that I cease to remember you are Mr Justin McCarthy and I am Mrs Campbell Praed…we are just real friends, that's all' (Typed Extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, July 1885, 8/13/1). Later in this extract she affirms her deep contentment with their collaboration, 'I know that I have nothing to fear or guard against and I wonder what I have done to deserve such real friendship' (8/13/1).
Praed relishes the process of co-authoring with McCarthy. Writing from Chester House, she praises 'additions and alterations' from her 'dear Colleague' and has 'a peculiar pleasure' reading her own writing after he has 'touched it up' (8/13/1). She adjusts Kooràli's character but is uncertain about credibility; or rushes through a scene between Kooràli and Kenway because she wants it ready for McCarthy's narrative review. 'It amuses me,' she writes 'that you are being given the emotional scenes while I do the "descriptive ones" [parliamentary mis-en-scène]–and the emotional scenes were what I used to aim at….I feel that you are doing me a great deal of good as regards literary style and even if this book fails…I shall have gained much from my association with you' (8/13/1). This is an excellent example of the dialogic mode of collaboration where one writer takes responsibility for an area regarded as the other's expertise, and masters it. At this juncture, Praed playfully alludes to her contrary mood swings. 'I wish you would lecture me on my faults', she teases. 'Don't think too well of me – you will soon be disillusioned' (8/13/1).
Praed fears that the writing flow of 'Morse', their working title, will suffer because McCarthy must rush off for election business in Ireland. She approves a suggestion he makes regarding Kenway's treachery with the newspaper. Kenway is pathologically jealous of the statesman's eminence, social influence and wealth so when he discovers Morse's friendship with the socialist demagogue, Masterson, and observes him leaving his house on the eve of violent radical riots in London, he sells the story to the gutter press. This leads to Morse's impeachment in parliament, a plot device which had also occurred to Praed, although she had initially dismissed it because it resembled Meredith's Diana of the Crossways (1885).
Pausing in her literary work, Praed muses on the personal aspects of their collaboration. 'Sometimes the thought comes over me with a flashing clarity that I have allowed myself to drift—or have been drawn into a most curious position in regard to you. Why should I trust you to take me from a different stand-point from that which you would hold in regard to any other woman?' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, Praed Papers, July 1885, 8/10/115). Personal complicity engenders psychological empathy in their cross-pollination of central characters thus offering another striking example of the dialogic mode: McCarthy adds colour to Kooràli, while Praed tweaks aspects of Morse. As both authors draft Masterson's character, Praed insists their separate visions of this important character must harmonize and that they give each other honest, critical feedback. She is, remember, a perfectionist. 'I think, anyhow, that you will like to know what strikes me at the moment, just as I do in your case, although I fancy that in criticising my writing you are a little afraid of hurting my feelings and won't believe that in a sense I have no feelings at all – or that, if I had, I should be ashamed of having them' (8/10/115).
The volume of literary work for each writer is huge as they constantly refine the narrative's plot, tropes and characters. 'If,' Praed observes, 'we can work in the same way, touching up each other, I have great hopes of doing good stuff. It is really wonderful how harmoniously we go together' (8/10/115). Praed looks forward to meeting McCarthy at the House of Commons and taking tea on the Terrace. She anticipates 'new lights and fresh harmonies' (8/10/115). Later, however, Praed is dissatisfied with McCarthy's revisions and rather magnificently reminds this senior Westminster politician that 'the politics in the book must be strong, true earnest' or the readers 'will weary' (8/10/115), a warning for McCarthy to avoid pompous prose. She also hazards a 'dreadful' observation: having worked over McCarthy's 'sheets' by improving a particular scene with 'a little colour and gesture' she fears that his Masterson writing is 'commonplace' and the character, 'is not strong: he is only fussy….I don't quite know what he should be but I feel that he is not right' (8/10/115).
Praed knows what is contrived, what flows or what jars. 'Why have I that instinctive feeling about your writing? Generally, I am a bad critic of books—and yet I seem (to myself) to be able to put my finger in a second on what jars ever so little in yours and in like manner to appreciate. Is it sympathy or that our minds supplement each other?' (8/10/115). She is invigorated by their joint venture and looks forward to being back in London where they 'will consult seriously' and face to face (8/10/115). So Praed is delighted when manuscript pages arrive by mail from McCarthy and exclaims 'you have done just what I wanted in the dinner-party scene. I like it ever so much. I can't help thinking that Kenway and Kooràli should come into that dinner. We have three long chapters with her and this seems a good opportunity to bring both in – Kenway could go on to the Club' (8/10/115).
As the Kooràli and Kenway scenes evolve, the writers focus on other critical aspects of the narrative. Even with separate careers, writing commitments and McCarthy's onerous parliamentary duties, they find time for 'Morse'. Clarke notes how very quickly The Right Honourable was written, six months from planning to completion and while co-authors were engaged with other literary projects (94). This alone makes the quality of their literary fusion exceptional. Praed happily reports she has 'the bones of a Morse and Kooràli scene' and is adding to McCarthy's pages the story of her great popularity in salon society. The following extract offers a glimpse of the time-consuming mechanics of the Victorian literary collaboration.
'Now I'm writing on to your pages upon Kooràli's social success. I cut your first page in half and have put in three or four more pages between without altering a word of yours….Then, after another page of yours three of four of mine about Morse and Kooràli comes in quite naturally. I want to describe in narrative the strides of their intimacy….It's quite curious how the styles blend. I don't think anyone could tell, in this chapter, where you stop and where I go on'' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, Praed Papers, 1885, 8/10/115).
McCarthy's passion for the writing compact is surpassed only by love for Praed. Perhaps the two are inseparable. Later, he defends his love with dignity. 'You,' he writes, 'are the only woman with whom I was ever in thorough sympathy. You are the only woman I ever loved – but there is nothing for you to be ashamed in that – nothing that you might not tell your daughter years hence…' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, 1 June 1888, Praed Papers, 8/10/114). So when he occasionally breaches those codes of platonic love and must apologise, he is the epitome of chivalrous tact. 'Why should you have any fear that you may make me unhappy? You are making me happy. There is no misunderstanding on my part, there can't be any. I have your friendship – you have given me that. I shall have it always – at least I shall never do anything to forfeit it' (Typed extracts, Justin McCarthy to Rosa Pared, June 29 1885, Praed Papers, 8/10/90). A humbly phrased wish that they can continue with their work elicits a remorseful reply from Praed 'I am glad that you understood the mood of mine yesterday. I was a little sorry afterwards that I had scribbled off in fiery impulse just what was in my mind' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, 1885, Praed Papers,8/10/11: 1885). Praed is indeed a woman of moods, impulses and deep emotion, characteristics with which McCarthy deliberately endows the lovely Kooràli. After all, he argues, 'one of Morse's (McCarthy's?) turn of mind could not be really and deeply interested in a woman who had not moods – who was always just the same…'(Justin McCarthy to Rosa Pared, July 1885, Praed Papers, 8/9/67).
Reassured for the moment, Praed re-engages with co-writing. She has a typically clear vision of the direction in which she wants scenes to progress: 'I have written some slips of the Morse and Kooràli interview leaving a good deal for you to put in,' and later, 'I want you to make Kenway say or do something (he comes in while Morse is there) which makes Morse understand the man and the position – some characteristically mean thing on the part of Kenway' (Typed extracts, Rosa Praed to Justin McCarthy, 1885, Praed Papers 8/10/11). Many of McCarthy's letters to his dear comrade or dearest colleague are written from the House of Commons. In July 1885, he complains that parliamentary business has prevented him from starting work on a scene in Lady Betty Morse's drawing room because 'the House sat until after 5 o'clock this morning'. In consequence he left, 'dull, morose, cross, disagreeable and got nothing done in the way of fiction' and despairs because 'business at the House dashes…wild hopes of returning down to see you tomorrow…' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, July 1885, Praed Papers, 8/9/66).
By November, McCarthy is in Londonderry fighting an election for the Nationalists but delighted to receive a letter from Praed including manuscript pages. He endorses a scene involving Morse and Kooràli, which strikes him as 'peculiarly happy' and hopes to begin a description of the results of the elections 'our imaginary elections and Morse's attitude and his appreciation of their effect for his own position and his future – and he cannot make Lady Betty understand him, but the thought She [Kooràli] will approve of this, runs through all…'(Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, November 1885, Praed Papers, 8/9/70). He will visit Praed the moment he returns from Ireland and seems indifferent to parliamentary business, 'why can't I get excited?' insinuating his preference for their imaginary political world. His irritation escalates as the extended Irish elections trespass on the collaborative writing project 'I am making mental notes of many touches for Morse – at our election. Oh! When shall we get to our delightful work again? I long for Morse and Kooràli. They are real and living (metaphors for Justin and Rosa?) – the people I see here are only shadows (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, November 1885, Praed Papers, 8/9/71). This suggests that the world of fiction has acquired a lustre which McCarthy's real life begins to lack. His passion for the characters (he has an excellent idea for a chapter on Morse and the depth of his love for Kooràli) offers an outlet for that real passion which must never be articulated and will never be consummated. Further delays in Dublin make him irate 'this annoys me simply because I counted on getting home at once and getting back to our work – which I am so longing to do – long, long, longing to' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, November 1885, Praed Papers, 8/9/71).
The intimacy of this writing partnership and the creative fusion it had yielded was gradually undermined by the contradictory dynamic which had plagued it from the outset: Praed felt unable to reciprocate McCarthy's romantic love, but depended heavily upon it. As they commence work on The Rebel Rose in February, 1888, McCarthy can no longer conceal his passion for her. 'I think of you always,' he writes, 'you are never out of my mind. Just a week today since I saw you last' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, February 1888, Praed Papers, 8/9/15). Throughout 1888, Praed becomes fractious and imperious with directives about how he should govern his feelings. In exasperation, McCarthy notes 'you wish that I would not think so much about you, or care so much about you, as you fear you may make me unhappy. You seem to be afraid of some responsibility in obligation. When I get to London you shall tell me exactly what you wish, and whatever you wish for, I shall try to do' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, 30 May 1888, Praed Papers 8/9/31). Although McCarthy is considerate and rational when dealing with his beloved's many emotional crises, he is incapable of addressing their cause by suppressing his love. She is, he confesses, always in his thoughts and in a context, 'apart from books and plays and literary enterprises' because she is 'the one reality' in his life' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, February 1888, Praed Papers 8/9/19).
This was a particularly difficult time for Praed. Bitter conflict with Campbell Praed, depression and chronic anxiety about the theatrical production of Ariane ensured that she was even more highly strung than usual. It is only when she complains of feeling bound by chains and having a duty to McCarthy (the letter does not, unfortunately, survive) that he swiftly reassures his 'dearest colleague', that she is not chained to him but rather, their 'companionship' (unlike her detested marriage) leaves her utterly free (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, 1 June 1888, Praed Papers, 8/10/114 ). Their companionship survives Praed's personal crisis but literary fusion is interrupted and the flow never resumes. 'I enter into your own feeling even more thoroughly than you know' he reminds her while gracefully accepting new constraints on their meetings. 'We must, I suppose,' he notes gloomily, 'see less of each other. That will not change us' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, January 1888, Praed Papers, 8/9/9). They write a further novel, The Ladies' Gallery (1888) because of contractual obligations to their publishers, but it is inferior to The Rebel Rose and a galaxy away from The Right Honourable's exceptional synergy.
It might be recalled that Clarke described the Praed/McCarthy collaboration as petering out when other pressures intervened to claimed the authors' attention. I, however, would also suggest that this remarkable literary fusion disintegrated when a love too passionate to be concealed became its driving dynamic. Praed was a complex woman: hyper-sensitive and insecure, but brilliant and accomplished. She enjoyed close male companionship but disliked sexual intimacy. So while McCarthy's love and literary fellowship satisfied her yearning for a soul-mate, she struggled with its inevitable sexual dimensions. His letters attest to the sensitive handling she required during crises which were often a function of her insecurities. McCarthy recognized this when he observed 'I wish you to understand that you are only to see me when you want me and when you are free…It is so much for me to know that you are there; that you like me to be with you when it can be; that we feel with each other; that we trust each other' (Justin McCarthy to Rosa Praed, 25 November, 1888, Praed Papers, 8/10/97).
The Praed/McCarthy dialogic collaboration was of the highest order, involving remarkable synergy in writing styles, unity of narrative vision and creative integrity. It also provided McCarthy with a vehicle through which love for Praed might be encoded in a poignant love story. Romantic fantasy, however, rarely translates into reality, as Morse discovers when Kooràli firmly rejects his entreaties that they flee England for a life together in America. The authors, like the lovers in their novel, part company but like Kooràli herself, always remember their collaboration as 'a joy…an ideal, which age cannot wither nor time disfigure nor life's storms wear away' (The Right Honourable 325).
From a portrait of Mrs. Campbell Praed by Joseph Jopling 1884 (it appears on p51 of Our Book of Memories).
Carter, David. 'Critics, writers, intellectuals: Australian literature and its criticism' in Webby, Elizabeth, ed. The Cambridge Companion to Australian Literature. Cambridge University Press: Cambridge, 2000. 258-94. Print.
Clarke, Patricia. Rosa! Rosa! A life of Rosa Praed, Novelist and Spiritualist. Melbourne University Press: Carleton South, 1999. Print.
Ehnenn, Jill E. Women's Literary Collaboration, Queerness and Late Victorian Culture, Ashgate Publishing: Burlington, 2008. Print.
Ede, Lisa.E. and Lunsford, Andrea A. Singular Text/Plural Authority: Perspectives on Collaborative Writing. Southern Illinois University University Press: Carbondale, 1990. Print.
Mills, John Stuart. Autobiography. Longmans, Green, Reader and Dyer: London, 1873. Print.
Nayder, Lillian. Unequal Partners: Charles Dickens, Wilkie Collins and Victorian Authorship. Cornell University Press: New York, 2002. Print.
Praed, Rosa and McCarthy, Justin. The Right Honourable: A Romance of Society and Politics. Appleton and Company: New York, 1898. Print.
Praed, Rosa. Our Book of Memories: Letters of Justin McCarthy to Mrs. Campbell Praed. London: Chatto and Windus, 1912. Print.
Spender, Dale. Writing a New World: Two Centuries of Australian Women Writers. Pandora Press: London, 1988. Print.
Trodd, Anthea. 'Collaborating in Open Boats: Dickens, Collins, Franklin and Blight' Victorian Studies 42.2, (2000): 201-225. Print.
Whidden, Seth. Models of Collaboration in Nineteenth-Century French Literature: several authors, one pen. Burlington: Ashgate Publishing, 2009. Print.
Contemporary newspapers
The Spectator (15 May,1886).
Morning Post (10 May, 1886).
The Age (June 12, 1886).
The Argus (12 June, 1886).
Archive material
The Praed Papers, John Oxley Library, State Library of Queensland, OM64-1. Boxes 8
and 12.
I wish to acknowledge Simon Farley and his wonderful team of librarians at the John Oxley Library, State Library of Queensland, Brisbane. Their support over many months of research as I delved deeply into the Praed Papers was invaluable.
A recipient of an APA scholarship, Susan Laverick, is in the final stages of her PhD – the political fiction of nineteenth century Australian author, Rosa Praed. She works under the supervision of Associate Professor Joy Wallace at Charles Sturt University. In June 2012 Susan presented a paper on Praed's vice-regal novels at the University of Melbourne's Colonial Girlhood Conference.
© Copyright Fusion Journal
Published by the Faculty of Arts and Education, Charles Sturt University
Copyright © Fusion Journal


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The 6 Best Spotify Alternatives for Music Streaming
By Alexander Fox – Posted on Jul 29, 2018 Jul 29, 2018 in Internet
Spotify is often seen as the best music streaming service, but it's facing some serious competition, so there's never been a better to see what else is on offer. If you're looking to give them the heave-ho, here are the top six Spotify alternatives you might want to consider.
1. YouTube Music
It's one thing to be a "Spotify Alternative," and it's another altogether to be considered a real competitor to the verdant music-streaming platform. YouTube Music has been through some serious revamps recently, and it's looking promising.
Available in seventeen countries at the time of writing, YouTube Music brings together music from the biggest record labels and uses Google's AI learning to tailor your streaming just for you. It also taps into the untold millions of songs from the main YouTube site – covers, fan versions, uploads, you name it.
Free users will have to put up with ads, which is fair enough, but a little more frustrating is the fact that on the smartphone versions you can't turn your screen off without the music cutting out. It's early days, though, so here's to hoping these little issues get ironed out.
You can grab the iOS and Android versions and check to see if the browser-based version is available in your country. The paid version costs $9.99 a month, gets rid of ads and lets you listen on your phone with the screen off. Pay just $2 more a month, and you get YouTube Premium which gives you access to YouTube's original shows and movies – a solid upgrade.
With a massive library and an attractive user interface, Apple Music makes a great alternative to Spotify and recently took the #1 spot away from them.
If you have an iPhone, it's quite possibly a better choice than Spotify, since you can play music via Siri on your phone through voice commands.
Apart from the 30 million or so songs, users can also watch music videos and listen to live radio stations run by real DJs. When you first sign up for the service, it will try to build a music profile and suggest radio stations and playlists, which are about as good as Spotify's (read: hit or miss).
The main downside is that iTunes on the desktop is a hulking pile of trash, and Apple Music is only available through that application. There's no free tier, but new users can get a three-month trial before shelling out $9.99 per month for a subscription.
3. Pandora Radio
As you might know, Pandora is a bit different than other streaming services. It's more like a custom radio station than a jukebox. Users create "stations" based on the stylistic similarities between songs and artists, and then Pandora's algorithm plays music that matches those stats.
If you use Spotify specifically to put music on in the background while you do something else, Pandora is an excellent substitute. The infinitely-long, custom radio stations are leagues better than anything the competition offers, with a remarkable recommendation engine that excels in digging up my next favorite band.
The $9.99 per month subscription fee, which removes all ads, might seem like a lot to pay for a service that doesn't do play-on-demand. However, Pandora is the gold-standard for online radio, and it's perfect for people who aren't super picky about what they want to hear right now.
4. Deezer
Deezer is a nearly identical clone of Spotify. Like other services on this list, it includes a huge library, on-demand radio and more.
When you first sign up for the service you'll build a profile of your listening habits by selecting your favorite genres and artists. Then it will suggest playlists based on those choices. It doesn't do an excellent job at picking up on your tastes, but it will still build a personal playlist (called your "flow") with the music it thinks you'll like.
If you dislike the idea of signing up for Apple or Google's services, then Deezer is the best Spotify-style client you can get.
5. Tidal
Jay-Z's Tidal bills itself as a "hi-fi" streaming service. It's the only streaming service to offer losslessly compressed audio, appealing to audiophiles that want the flexibility of an online streaming service without sacrificing audio quality.
The subscription price for lossless quality is substantially higher than other services, running up to $19.99 per month. The service does try to compensate with exclusive early releases of popular music, but so far customers have remained cool, and the service hasn't seen runaway success.
6. Google Play Music
It's almost certain that Google Play Music will eventually make way for Google's new baby, YouTube Music, but in the meantime you can still enjoy what this service has to offer, especially if you signed up for it before YouTube Music came along, as it's a little cheaper and will let you transfer your data over to YouTube Music when the time comes.
Google Play Music includes a wide variety of music – from mainstream hits to excellently-constructed mood- and activity-based playlists ("Jazz for Reading" or "Scandinavian Stargazing," for example) that you can use without paying a dime.
It will even suggest specific playlists based on your location, like home, work and the gym. Paying customers can watch music videos without ads through YouTube, listen to any of the service's forty million tracks, and build their own playlists. And finally, there's a unique "I'm feeling lucky" button that plays a random track from the Google Play Music library based on what you've been listening to recently.
Spotify's still often considered the best, but was recently passed up by Apple Music and is facing real competition from YouTube Music. WIth that said, each of the above services has its strengths, so test them out and see which one's for you.
bombadda
Pandora is no more.
Alexander Fox
I'm not sure what you mean, I actually just signed up for their paid service
acsjdaolf
he means that pandora is useless now because of better services like spotify
I've found that Pandora's radio algorithm is still superior to Spotify's algorithm. Spotify does win in just about every other category, however.
Pretty good list! You've got the major players, but what about the more useful underground apps?
– https://join.funkwhale.audio
– https://radio4000.com
– https://www.discogs.com
JerrySmith
Thanks for your sharing, Spotify has become more and more popular since they offer a lot of streaming music for free users. But you need to endure ads, lower quality tracks, and other annoying things. To get high-quality Spotify music, you need to pay $9.99 per month, which is equal with Apple Music service.
Itai Raccah
Thanks. Moving to Deezer because of their family plan.
i love spotify. I only get annoyed when you search for something specific and you get a list of stuff not related and you can't even sort by title. It used to sort, but they took that option out on the update, for some reason.
really helfull article thank you, very pissed of with spotify not working – and reakky crap support when it fails – and wnated to look at alternatives
A little small detail like removing the ability to tilt the "now playing" screen on mobile app is the weirdest decision ever. Plus spotify is asking to pay 2 weeks after the premium was being paid. That big red header of notification that I have to get rid of .. every time.
What platform are you on? On iOS at least, Spotify still has a Now Playing screen, but I think the UI was recently revised. Tap on the name of a playing song at the bottom of the screen and you'll get player controls, large album art, and current track information.
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redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


This year we will celebrate 60 years of educating students in the Catholic tradition. Each year, we ask for your contributions to the Annual Eagle Fund, in order to help us continue the Watterson tradition of Exemplary Catholic Education, Rooted in Faith, Committed to Excellence. Additionally, we look to planned gifts as a way to ensure the longevity of our wonderful school.
Often times, a planned gift is put in an endowment fund, which allows the one-time gift to grow and provides a permanent source of funds for the intended beneficiary. Bishop Watterson is blessed to receive financial support from several endowment funds created by generous donors. We ask you to consider making a contribution to these existing funds or, if you're able, consider opening your own endowment fund with Bishop Watterson High School as the beneficiary.
The above funds are administered by The Catholic Foundation, the official planned giving partner of Bishop Watterson High School.


Dobbies Dalgety Bay offers a huge range of ideas for the home and garden that are all inspired by nature. Drop by and you'll find everything from flowers to furniture to fabulous food.
Dobbies Garden Centre Dalgety Bay is located in this small town on the beautiful Fife coast just off the A921.
From seasonal houseplants to our vast range of bedding plants, seeds and bulbs you're bound to find some gardening inspiration at our Dalgety Bay garden centre. Our staff are keen horticulturalists too so if you're looking for advice don't hesitate to ask our friendly team members.
The coffee shop at our Dalgety Bay centre is always a hive of activity with fresh coffee, delicious home baking and a great selection of cooked meals.
Dobbies Dunfermline offers a huge range of ideas for the home and garden that are all inspired by nature. Drop by and you'll find everything from flowers to furniture to fabulous food.


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Fr. Pavone Lauds Texas Gov. Perry's Signing of Pro-Life Law
Staten Island, NY – Fr. Frank Pavone, National Director of Priests for Life, issued the following statement today in support of Texas Gov. Rick Perry's signing of a bill to prohibit almost all abortions after five months of pregnancy, regulate abortion clinics as ambulatory surgical centers, and require abortionists to have local hospital admitting privileges.
"Governor Rick Perry and the Texas legislature have done what they were elected to do, that is, safeguard the well-being of Texans. The new law Governor Perry signs today will advance the protection of women from the unscrupulous practices of abortionists, and the protection of children from the deadly weapons of those same abortionists. Those who were so vociferous in their opposition to this law are on the wrong side of morality and of history."
"We at Priests for Life will continue to expose the horrors committed by Texas abortionists like Douglas Karpen. This law will make that task much easier."
Priests for Life is the nation's largest Catholic pro-life organization dedicated to ending abortion and euthanasia. For more information, visit www.priestsforlife.org.


The workshop is part of a project funded by the Health Programme of the EU and is run in collaboration with partners in the UK (Middlesex University, Health Opportunities Team, Change Grow Live), Austria, Denmark, Germany, Italy and Poland. The research aims: to identify good practice in the development and delivery of interventions to address problem drug use among young (15-24) people in touch with the criminal justice system: and stimulate knowledge exchange between practitioners, policy makers, young people and other relevant stakeholders.
The aims of the workshop are: to provide feedback on key issues emerging from the first stages of the research, based on interviews with young people and practitioners: and to discuss views and experiences of providing positive, effective responses to the challenges of delivering interventions based on 'good practice' principles.
Who should attend? The workshop is free to attend and will be of interest to practitioners, researchers and policy makers in health, criminal justice and youth services. We also welcome the participation of young people with experience of the services.


text:
INSURGENCY/TERRORISM
DEFENCE INDUSTRY - FEATURED
Rohde & Schwarz to provide communication systems for RNLN CSS Den Helder
dpoint | 31/07/2020 21:49
Damen Schelde Naval Shipbuilding signed a contract with Rohde & Schwarz for the delivery and installation of internal and external communication systems for the Royal Netherlands Navy's Combat Support Ship, Den Helder.
The Royal Netherlands Navy's (RNLN) new Combat Support Ship (CSS), Den Helder, to be built by Damen Schelde Naval Shipbuilding (DSNS), will strengthen the navy's replenishment capacity at sea. Delivery of the ship is scheduled for the second quarter of 2024.
DSNS signed a contract with Rohde & Schwarz Benelux B.V. for the delivery and installation of a state-of-the-art integrated communications system for the RNLN's CSS, Den Helder.
With this contract, RNLN will receive a system based on proven technology and standardized to provide commonality across the Dutch naval fleet. For more than 20 years, RNLN has been using Rohde & Schwarz communications systems on their vessels with high level reliability and performance during daily operations. This commonality offers not only crew familiarity, but also optimizes training, maintenance and many other processes.
Arjan Risseeuw, Project Director of the CSS at DSNS states: "Rohde & Schwarz have a good track record in delivering their equipment to RNLN vessels. We have collaborated with them before, on the Joint Support Ship HNLMS Karel Doorman, for which the Defence Materiel Organisation acted as intermediary for the Rohde & Schwarz equipment it purchased. I am looking forward to working directly with Rohde & Schwarz on this project in order to provide the CSS with a good communication suite."
Mischa van Santen, Sales Manager at Rohde & Schwarz Benelux continues: "Rohde & Schwarz Benelux will act as the communications system integrator for DSNS. Our local engineering team in Utrecht will make sure that we deliver according to schedule and budget, as well as that the system is supported through life by our Dutch personnel.
Rohde & Schwarz Benelux currently also executes work together with Damen Shipyards in Den Helder for the current refit programs of the RNLN support ship, HNLMS Pelikaan, and the Hydrographic vessels, HNLMS Snellius and HNLMS Luymes."
For CSS, Rohde & Schwarz will supply a fully integrated communications system, including R&S M3SR software defined radios (R&S Series4100 HF and R&S Series4400 VHF/UHF).
SOURCE: Rohde & Schwarz
Tags: NETHERLANDS NAVY, RNLN CSS Den Helder, Rohde & Schwarz
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Lita Ford, lead guitarist of The Runaways.
CHICAGO – There are rock stars, and then there are the women of "The Runaways." The girl group that spawned Joan Jett was also notable for proving that punk rock was not just reserved for dudes. Lita Ford, the lead guitarist, has just written a memoir of those heady days – "Living Like a Runaway" – and appeared recently at North Central College in Naperville, Ill., at an event sponsored by Anderson's Bookshop.
CHICAGO – Anyone who's witnessed the wonderfully incoherent trailers for "Hesher" is bound to be curious about the film's true nature. Why does Joseph Gordon-Levitt have a raised middle finger tattooed on his back and why is he jumping off a flaming diving board half-naked? Is this all part of a tongue-in-cheek stunt or do the filmmakers actually harbor serious intentions?
CHICAGO – "Peep World" plays like the pilot for a failed sitcom that will never end. The running time clocks in at a mere 79 minutes, but the ordeal feels so much longer. One can imagine the canned laughter on TV Land appreciating these gags, which are embarrassingly lame. It's not long before the miserable, ashen-faced characters begin to mirror the audience.


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2019 BMW X7 xDrive40i review: Bigger, Bolder, Better?
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Designed in America, for America (and also China and the Middle East), the massive new X7 is a BMW like no other. But how well will its size and brashness fit in in tiny Singapore?
Here's a little nugget of Teutonic trivia for you: the new BMW X7 is the fourth-largest car on sale in Singapore. Occupying 10.3 sqm of road space, its footprint is smaller only than that of the Audi A8L, Infiniti QX80, and Rolls-Royce Cullinan; it's also larger than the floor space of some HDB bedrooms. You know what they say, you can live in a car but you can't drive a house…
The X7 was developed to fill what BMW noticed was a gap in the sport utility vehicle market. Luxury SUVs like the Audi Q7, BMW X5 and Mercedes-Benz GLE had been well-established but apart from the Range Rover and Mercedes GLS, there was nothing bridging the size (and price) divide between the smaller cars and hyper-luxe off-roaders like the Cullinan and Bentley Bentayga. That's where the X7 comes in.
READ MORE: Looking for a superb SUV? The X7's smaller brother should be on your shortlist:
BMW would like you to think of its biggest ever model as a 7 Series that's been stretched upwards (hence the "7" in its name), but in reality it's more an X5 that's been stretched lengthways (it's 23cm longer), and with the luxuries turned up a notch.
With its upright, enormous kidney grille, the X7's face does bear more resemblance to the company's big limo than the X5. Its looks may have courted controversy when it first debuted in concept form in 2017, but finding acceptance for it isn't too tough- it's hard to deny the massive grille (which is wider than a banquet serving tray) sort of makes sense in the context of the rest of the car's size. Particularly so if you've seen the absolute nightmare that is the snout on the new 4 Series Concept.
Its upright and boxy profile though, speaks volumes about the X7's utility, which is far more appealing than the absurd concessions to "style" that plagues coupe-SUVs like the X6 and GLC/E Coupes. Indeed, you immediately feel it when you're aboard the X7.
Space and roominess play a big part in the perception of luxury, and the X7 has these in spades. Unsurprisingly, with a wheelbase just 10cm shorter than a 7er lang, the electrically-adjustable middle row offers nothing to criticise, but even the seats right out back are commendable. The X7 isn't the first three-row BMW of course (the X5 has a third row setup, and there's the 2 Series GT MPV), but unlike those, its sixth and seventh seats are actually usable by adults.
Like the X5, the middle row moves out of the way with just a button prod, and the X7's long doors make it a doddle to climb in the back. Once there, you'll find there's an entirely decent amount of headroom and legroom on offer. I'm 1.8m tall, and genuinely wouldn't mind a trip into Malaysia back there.
BMW X7 auto electric rear seats Carbuyer Singapore
Of course it certainly helps that there are amenities aplenty, with rearmost occupants getting their own USB ports, sunroof, and climate controls.
Such a square body naturally also makes for excellent cargo-carrying capacity, with 326-litres available with all seats in place, up to 2,120-litres once you drop the five rear seats (again via a single button in the boot).
Up in front, anyone who's driven a new X5 will be instantly familiar, as the X7's dashboard is nigh-on indistinguishable save for nicer trim materials and extra toys to play with.
Apart from space, luxury also comes from how insulated the inside of a car feels from the outside world, and here the X7 excels. Air suspension means all road imperfections are simply flattened beneath the monstrous 285/45R21 wheels, acoustic glass means there's never more than a hush of noise from wind or traffic, and the silkiness of the familiar 3.0-litre straight-six "40i" engine means that if you've not got an eye on the speedo, you could get up to illegal speeds completely without noticing.
That's right, in spite of its size and 2.4-tonne weight, the X7 can pile on speed at an improbable rate, with 100km/h coming up in just over six seconds. Not that you'd want to go quickly on anything other than the highway though, because capable as the X7 is, it can't surmount the laws of physics.
When he drove it in the US, big chief Ju-Len summed up the X7 as feeling "smaller than you'd expect" to handle. That's true to a certain extent – it's remarkably composed for its size – but you never forget how tall the car is, with the high centre of gravity making it wallow noticeably more than an X5 at low speeds.
Where it certainly doesn't feel at all small is in our carparks. Never mind that its 5.15m length is longer than the Land Transport Authority's minimum stipulated parking lot size of 4.8m (thank goodness for parking cameras), it's the X7's 1.8m height that causes anxiety.
You'd need to do a lot of homework beforehand to make sure you can actually get into your destination, and avoid embarrassing predicaments like being unable to enter a carpark with a line of cars behind you (ask us how we know).
So, is BMW's biggest worthy of your attention? That depends on where you're coming from.
If ultimate luxury's what you want, then a limo like the 7 Series is more pleasant to drive and more palatial in the back.
For family use meanwhile, it's hard not to bring up the equally versatile Land Rover Discovery, or if you don't need the extra seats, the similar-feeling X5, both of which cost S$100k less. Amongst three-row SUVs, that's pretty much your lot, as the similarly large Mercedes GLS is really long in the tooth now, and all other competitors are a size down from the X7.
Ultimately, where the X7 finds its own niche is in offering a larger package that still feels like a BMW. It's got one of the lustiest engines in the business, drives better than you'd expect, and the tech onboard is amongst the most intuitive across the whole car industry. In short, it's the best large SUV out there at the moment, if you can afford it. Being bigger and bolder can mean better, but it comes at a price.
BMW X7 xDrive40i Pure Excellence
Engine 2,998cc, inline 6, twin-turbo
Power 340hp at 5500rpm
Torque 450Nm at 1500rpm
Gearbox 8-speed automatic
0-100km/h 6.1 seconds
Top Speed 245km/h
Fuel Efficiency 9.5 L/100km
Agent Performance Motors Limited
Price $453,888 with COE
Jon Lim
CarBuyer's staff writer was its fourth historical Jonathan. Old-fashioned in all but body, he thinks car design peaked in the '90s and is enthusiastic about vintage cars and old machinery.
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(Originally posted Nov 13, 2006 on randehle.com) Many of the leading voices in the emerging church prefer the term "conversation" to "movement." In that vein, D.A. Carson has attempted to join the discussion with his book, Becoming Conversant With The Emerging Church (Zondervan, 2005). In his preface, Carson writes, "Whenever a Christian movement comes along that presents itself as reformist, it should not be summarily dismissed." He expresses his desire to engage in the conversation in a manner that encourages mutual learning – certainly an admirable and necessary aim.
Likewise, those in the emerging church who tend toward a carte blanche rejection of all that has preceded them must put aside such prejudices and listen attentively to those who have truly investigated and become prayerfully convinced of their convictions. When a couple become parents for the first time, it can be tempting to reject all the methods of their parents, believing they can do a better job raising their own children. Wisdom suggests otherwise; wisdom would have the young parents thoughtfully consider both what their own parents did well and what they did poorly, then emulate the former even as they seek to avoid the latter. And in this they must recognize that they, too, will make mistakes…which their own children will one day need to redeem.
Finally, engaging in a mutually-beneficial dialogue will require that evangelicals recognize the value in allowing for uncertainty while emergents recognize a similar value in certainty. Key to both of these is appropriately – and biblically – determining where to allow for uncertainty and where to look for certainty. Let us consider two examples, baptism and homosexuality. In baptism, is it really essential that an individual be completely soaked – especially if, as most evangelicals believe, baptism is purely symbolic and has no effect on salvation? Many times I have seen someone immersed whose head didn't quite go all the way under the water. Does she, like the mythical Achilles, somehow have a spiritual weak spot as a result? Or could it be that in our desire to stay true to the most accurate translation of the word baptize, we have become like the Pharisees who so narrowly defined exactly how much work was allowed to be done on the Sabbath without breaking the fourth commandment?
In choosing the topic of homosexuality as my second example, I recognize that I face the great risk of having the rest of my comments overlooked and of having the reader focus only on expressing their own views on this important but controversial topic. I beg you to flee that temptation and remember that I am merely using this as an example of an area that many in the emerging church are viewing with a measure of uncertainty. Could it be, however, that God really does detest homosexuality as much as our English translations of the Bible suggest? Scripture is certainly unambiguous about God's hatred of sin; no less certain is the biblical mandate that my attitude and behavior toward a homosexual – or any other sinner – be constrained by God's grace as exemplified by the life and teachings of Jesus, such as his words to the woman caught in adultery (John 8). Thus constrained, is it really so harmful to conclude from diligent study that homosexuality is sinful? Perhaps not.
If the church in any of its manifestations is to reclaim its place in God's redemptive plan for a world separated from him, then we must work together as the body that we are – and that means that the various parts of the body must communicate – with each other and with the world around us – in grace and truth. Doing so will require from all sides that we put off our personal prejudices, our biases, our preferences, and that we learn to communicate much as a missionary does: crossing barriers of culture, language, and theology, and so opening the doors to meaningful, life-changing dialogue focused on the eternally life-changing message of salvation in Jesus Christ.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized on November 14, 2006 by Randy Ehle.
I am a contemplative by nature, but a rushed one. The demands of life in the 21st century – as husband, father of three, employee/manager, graduate student, lay minister – compel me to action, sometimes to a flurry of activity. Reading of some early church fathers impressed me with their strong calls to balance between the contemplative lives they preferred and the active lives demanded by their roles as pastor. Pope Gregory the Great called this balance consideratio. Both John Chrysostom and Gregory of Nazianzus, in the 4th century, at first fled the call to pastoral ministry, preferring the monastic life that would allow them to pursue the study of God's word and the prayerful meditation they believed so necessary for holy living in a corrupt and decaying world. Yet for both of these men, the compulsion of God's call to ministry (i.e., to service) drew them out of the monastery and into the torrent of life where they would face the grime and dirt and bruises and messes of people who, too, need to learn to live holy lives. Within this torrent, though, these early pastors sought to find times of solace and refuge where they could meet deeply and meaningfully with God in order to restore their souls and find new energy and purpose before returning to the rapids.
It is certain that life has become far more harried – and hurried – over the centuries. The world is not only continually changing; the speed of change itself is increasing exponentially. The face of ministry is changing on pace with the rest of life. In our (right and appropriate) desire to stay relevant to a world in constant transition, we find ourselves racing just to maintain that pace, let alone anticipate and possibly precede it. I suspect that most of us involved in ministry – while recognizing the need for balance between contemplation and activity – tend to err on the side of activity. Some of us are by nature Type-A, driven, task-oriented people, so action comes easier to us. Others are introspective and meditative…yet we still feel the need to perform. The motivation toward tasks and activities may come from within (our driven personalities) or from without (e.g., from the expectations of others), but the truth is that most of us probably find ourselves caught between the whitewater in the river valley and the peace of the mountaintop monastery.
This entry was posted in sabbath on November 9, 2006 by Randy Ehle.


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Angus and Julia Stone With Jack River and Bic Runga
Following the release of their fourth studio album 'Snow' last year which features the lead single of the same name and the follow-up track 'Chateau', the duo completed a hugely successful sold-out tour of Australia. Now it is New Zealand's turn.
Angus and Julia has secured themselves a staple name in the indie realm over their twelve-year career. After growing up in Sydney in 2006 where their musician father encouraged the siblings musical talent, Angus and Julia moved to London in 2006 where they recorded their second EP Heart Full of Wine in their flat. Their four albums have amassed multi-platinum sales and numerous ARIA and APRA awards at home, and won a fanbase of millions over spiralling tours of the UK, Europe and North America. The band have over 5 million listeners who tune in each month to stream their music from all over the world. They've also played at some of the world's biggest festivals such as Coachella, Lollapalooza, & Austin City Limits.
The album Snow continues a process the siblings began at the suggestion of producer Rick Rubin on their self-titled album of 2014. "That was the first time that we actually started writing together, in the same room, and I guess we took a leaf from that chapter into this record. This time round though
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AdviceNeeded2
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I have come here to both educate myself and try to understand what my boyfriend may possibly be going through. We have been together for 6 years (he is 27 and I am 23), and up until last summer it was all online until I moved state to be with him. I knew he has a history with depression when we first started dating, though never it was diagnosed. To give a brief history, his mom and dad ended up getting divorced when he was about 9. His mother seemed to be a bit controlling of his father to the point where he had to get out and married a new woman. His mom didn't like this (didn't want a divorce to begin with) so she filled her son's head with all sorts of negative notions about his dad being a terrible father, that he left them and when punishment was needed she would send him to his dad. For a while growing up he did resent his father and would lash out at times and up until the last few years he did not accept his step mother. He lived with his mom up until we moved in together. Over the years she would tear him down, make him feel he wasn't good enough and that he has an obligation to help her (though she rarely returned the favors). At one point she kicked him out for not having a job and he spent 3 days being homeless. His dad and stepmom found out and he moved in with them for a few months then back with his mom when he got a job. Because of all the verbal and emotional abuse he is now closer with his dad and step mom. He also fully sees how his mom is and looking back on it he does not see his dad as being terrible and resents his mom for putting those ideas in his head. He has had a very difficult up-bringing and his coping mechanisms are games and isolating himself for the most part it seems. Another important aspect to this is that he had previously pushed away all ex's (all online) he seemed to care for a great deal for no reason other than not feeling good enough, isolating himself once more.
He has always been super affectionate and sweet. He loves to cuddle/kiss me and he hugs virtually EVERYONE. he once ran up to my mom and hugged her for buying his favorite brand of fries. He is a "give his shirt off his back" kinda guy.
Fast forward to the last few months:
He has been crying/agitated more so than I have ever seen him. He has cried out of the blue for several reasons. One time he said he feels he ruins everything and that he sometimes thinks everything would be better if he just disappeared. Having no idea where that came from, I sat with him drying his tears telling him that is simply not the case and he has a lot of people that care for him. We went to visit my parents and he isolated himself in a room due to having an allergic reaction to their cats (no one was mad at him, everyone understood) and again he said he ruined the fun because we were hanging out and he had to leave. Again, I assured him he didn't ruin anything and everyone just wants him to feel better from the reaction. Recently, he reconnected with an old ex online who is married now. He claims to have no romantic feelings for her anymore but some of the messages seemed a little inappropriate for "just friends". Examples: calling her "babe" (he only called me that before, as far as I know), having full blown conversations about what her butt looks like, her describing outfits to him so he can compliment her, her saying she'd be jealous if he looked at other women, etc. I got really upset over this and called him out on it and he totally blew it off saying its just how he talks (he had done the same this with another ex online a year ago, but they lost touch again. I told him he can talk to women, but to keep it less flirty as it upsets me. This sparked trust issues with me to the point where I didn't want to give him space, and when he asked to be alone I'd give him attitude (not healthy, I know). At this point I was working 10 hour shifts 4-5 days a week, I was hardly home to begin with, I usually worked on his days off so he had lots of space, so I didn't understand, was tired and angry. I told him I feel like a maid since all I do is work, come home to clean/cook and you talk to people online for the better part of the evening/go to bed them. Not much room for US to spend time together. a few days after I asked if he wanted to be alone, he said "I don't care" I pressed him to give me an answer because if I chose wrong I would have to deal with his irritation. He got so mad when I asked for a straight answer he punched walls and left for an hour,he came back with bloody knuckles from punching concrete. I had never seen him this way before. Another day his boss got him mad and he told me to stay away so he doesn't hurt me. He was shaking hard and punching pillows. Again, not like him at all. During this time he and his childhood best friend also got into a huge fight and have still not talked to each other. He is working overtime right now so I am sure he is under a lot of hard stress. He has also been slowly distancing from family.
A month ago he cried again and told me he no longer wanted to get married or have kids. He didn't even want the dog we were planning to get anymore. Both of which we talked about for years and he always expressed he wanted this. I told him it's ok, I would give that up since I love him. Then he told me he "can't hurt me anymore" and hes "not good for me" and shut down. Crying to the point where he couldn't move. Obviously, I got upset and told him he does make me happy and was crying as well. After a few hours of talking and telling him I wanted to be with him he perked up again, smiled, kissed me and took me out to eat saying he loves me. A week or so goes by and hes back to normal, hugging/kissing/I love you's, all that. The NEXT day he did it again and was sobbing to the point where he couldn't move and could hardly talk. He said he couldn't feel his body. I tried to comfort him the but ultimately he wanted to be alone so I gave him a week alone. He said everything is my fault and by saying I felt like a maid destroyed everything he's built for us and that my jealousy for how he talks to his ex's is crazy. Honestly, we have probably have had 3 fights in 6 years, that being the most recent. and he claims the fights have gotten worse, though we hardly even argue. He told me he no longer loves me, though a few days ago he said he did. I asked him if he wants to be with anyone else to which he said no, he only wants to be alone. A few days later he told me we could try to fix the relationship. He also has said it usually takes him "months to a year" to deal with his emotions.
Right now he is isolating himself in a room and I am giving him the space. He talks to his online friends/ex's and he eventually comes to hang out with me but doesn't make effort to see anyone outside of the internet. Sometimes he seems depressed, other times hes joking/laughing, Other times he wants sex and sometimes he just seems irritated by my presence. Though he doesn't show much physical affection right now he has hugged me, kissed the top of my head and helped me into bed when I wasn't feeling well. I never know what to expect right now. For the most part he wants nothing to do with me, which hurts a lot but I am taking the time to better myself and focus on me (sometime I need and he suggested). I talked to his stepmom because I am concerned/ wanting to build both him and I a support system. She suspects he does have a mood disorder based on how he has isolated himself in the past, pushes people away, lashes out (he's normally a quiet guy) and exaggerating events she was present for. She had also talked with him in private and he seems interested in wanting to fix this. She told him if he really wants me to leave then he can chose that, he didn't pick that option. My question is could this possibly some sort of mood disorder? How can I help him? I am not saying I know whats wrong with him I am just hoping someone here can help me with some insight.
tic chick
Distinguished Community Member
dear adviceneeded2 !
welcome to braintalk!
ok. so you've been with this man for 6 years, since you were 17 and he was 21. has he ever said he thinks he has a mood disorder? has he ever seen a therapist? his family doctor? if not. these are the most important words i can say:
YOU CANNOT CARE MORE FOR YOUR PARTNER THAN HE CARES FOR HIMSELF!
you can't change anyone but yourself. if he doesn't think he has a problem or he doesn't want to see a professional, you do not have a romantic relationship. you are his caregiver, babysitter, mom, sex partner all rolled into one. if you put this much interest into yourself, you would realize that this is not working out for you and one day, in the future, you are going to be angry with yourself for wasting this wonderful time in your life with this person. yes, you can care about him, but you cannot care for him; meaning you have to detach yourself from his illness and let him accept the consequences of his actions or inactions and you cannot enable him by doing everything for him, as if he were a baby.
you let go with love!
he seems to be able to spend time on the computer with his ex's and shut you out. you set boundaries for him to not flirt and he breaks them. and you're still with him. i know it's painful to let go after 6 years. it will be harder after 10 years. this is a lot of drama and heartache. why do you want to join him in his world and lose your own soul?
i am 62 yrs. old. i separated from my husband at age 57, having been a mom all my life. i don't regret that and it was a decision we both made. what i didn't expect was for my ex to start drinking again after 20 years of sobriety. i live on a fixed income with my working son, but he is saving to buy a house. but, i haven't had as much peace in my whole life as i have these last 5 years since my separation and my ex moving out. i am becoming me again, not the watchdog trying to find bottles of booze my ex has hidden around the house. i lost my security, but regained my soul.
your profile says you are in canada. here are 2 links to mental health associations:
http://www.obad.ca/canada_supports
http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/bipolar-disorder
you wrote that you moved to the states. i don't know which one, but there are mental health support groups in the usa. use google and google the name of your state and add "mental health support". this might help you understand, but understanding does nothing unless your bf is willing to take responsibility for his own life. give him any info you find. tell him to get help and when he has been getting help for a year, maybe you might want to go back with him. you can still support his wellness journey without being his gf.
i know i might sound blunt, but i have lived through a similar situation to yours. i empathize with your problems. i wish you joy in your life, i wish your bf healing in his. i do care.
but it doesn't matter unless he cares about himself.
thank you for sharing,
Last edited by tic chick; 08-23-2017 at 11:49 AM.
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