In this escape game from 5ngames, a hunter is trapped in a bear cave.
The chaser fell in his own trap which he set for the animal.
Now, he must get out of the cave before the bear returns!
Play the game Bear Cave and have fun!


Bathroom Safety for Elderly Adults Griswold Home Care Impressive Bathroom Safety For Seniors is the best image that can use for individual and non-business reason since all trademarks referenced thus are the properties of their respective owners.
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Now, I am not sure whether the above mapping is correct or not. If its correct, what does it mean in simple words, what does <key> column mean with respect to the above mapping.
With my understanding of Hibernate I will try to explain.
-This mapping file is for Designation.
u can have a set of responsibilities related to this Designation.
This refers to the foreign key property of the responsibilities field.There will be a designation_id property in the responsibilities class/table mapping to the primary key of designation.
From a desigantion to many responsibilities!


We had the dream, went on a mission, after its execution, it's time to ride! Enjoy an adrenaline and endorphin rush on your way to and from work. Transform your need to get from A to B into the feeling of powder turns and surfing waves. Compensate for a short moment that you live in the city instead of the mountains or by the sea.


text:
The J!Effect Alumni Stories
Were you a Jeopardy! contestant? Submit Your J!Alumni Story
J!Alumni: Decades of the J!Effect
Career changes, charitable donations, school tuitions and new homes: These are just a few ways Jeopardy! has changed contestants' lives. Read updates from your favorites below.
Pictured: Maryanne and Michael
- Any -Job/CareerGiving BackEducationTravelHomeCarRecognitionRelationshipsOther
CreatedSeasonName
- Asc- Desc
Dave Rowswell
Just before Alex came around to get our picture taken with him.
Alex tugged my mustache
Just before Alex came around to get our picture taken with him. He stopped in front of my podium and tugged on my mustache. Some day I'd like to see Alex bring back the 'stache... I am so appreciative of each person on the J! Staff and beyond that made my experience in this year's "Teachers Tournament" a memory I will always treasure. Thanks everybody.
Jo-Ann Raines
I didn't realize that everyone in my office was as much of a fan of Jeopardy!
Acknowledged in unusual ways
I didn't realize that everyone in my office was as much of a fan of Jeopardy! as I was until about a year later on my job, we had a Women's History Month celebration with a Jeopardy! style game at an event. My appearance on the show was the Final Jeopardy! clue and guess what?...almost everyone got the correct response!
Samuel Deutsch
I won the 2016 Jeopardy! College Championship with my correct response for Final Jeopardy!
Vice President and Jeopardy!
The clue: "During his Senate service, which lasted from 1973 to January 2009, this man cast 12,810 votes." I initially thought of people who were in the Senate for a long time and (West Virginia Senator) Robert Byrd came to mind. However, at the last second a light bulb went off in my head when I remembered when President Obama was inaugurated and responded with "Who is Joe Biden?" It's crazy to think that a sudden a-ha moment won me the College Championship.
The best part was that Joe Biden happens to be a big fan of Jeopardy! , because not only did he tweet a picture of that Final Jeopardy!, he sent me a personal letter of congratulations. It's crazy to think that the Vice President of the United States takes time to watch Jeopardy!, and for a day, he was watching me on TV instead of the other way around.
Jake Houser
At 12 years old, as a contestant on Kids Week, Alex tried to convince me I should change my caree
Alex's Career Advice
At 12 years old, as a contestant on Kids Week, Alex tried to convince me I should change my career aspects on national television. I'd told him I wanted to go into genetics and he suggested I become a doctor instead. Today, almost 15 years later, I haven't ended up doing exactly what I said I would back then, but I'm working at a company using genetic sequencing to help cancer patients find more effective treatments. I didn't win my episode, but the memories I have of my experience competing on Jeopardy! are one of the highlight of my life. Experiences like the interactions I had with Alex remind me of why I wanted to pursue this career in the first place.
MICHAEL PASCUZZI
During the show, I proposed to my long-time girlfriend, Maria, who was in the audience that day.
WHAT IS YES?
During the show, I proposed to my long-time girlfriend, Maria, who was in the audience that day. We kept it secret until the air-date, and everyone found out at once. "What is Yes?" went viral - so much fun seeing the proposal pop up everywhere! And then, on April 7, 2019 we finally "tied the knot" in a small ceremony with family, friends, and a few nods to Jeopardy!...the show that truly changed our lives.
Sarah Bauer
Greer Mackebee and I met as participants in the 2012 Jeopardy!
A Daily Double Shot at Love
Greer Mackebee and I met as participants in the 2012 Jeopardy! College Championship - we were even in the same Jeopardy! audition months before getting the call to be in the tournament. We both come from families that watch a lot of Jeopardy!, so being on the show truly fulfilled lifelong dreams. Greer beat me in our first round match, but I've managed to forgive him. When we both found ourselves working as attorneys in Washington, D.C. several years after our tournament aired, we naturally put a trivia team together. Eventually, we went on our first date over six years after Jeopardy! first brought us together, and we're still happily together today. And, of course, we still watch Jeopardy! together every chance we get!
What's Your J!Effect Story?
No matter if your story is big or small, personal or shared, touching or just plain funny – we want to hear it! Submit Your Story:
I was a CONTESTANT
J!Effect Fan Stories
Fan J!Effect
Natalie's J!Effect Story
The J!Effect: Pets Who Love J!
J!Effect All Over The World

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


text:
<?php

/*
 * To change this license header, choose License Headers in Project Properties.
 * To change this template file, choose Tools | Templates
 * and open the template in the editor.
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            $data['data_user'] = $this->Users->panggil_data_user();
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}

?>

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaGithub


text:
New to MoMA
Marwan Rechmaoui's Beirut by the Sea
The artist discusses the power of maps and stories in his sprawling work, newly on view at MoMA.
Paulina Pobocha
Marwan Rechmaoui's Beirut by the Sea (2017–19) depicts the coastline of Beirut in 13 panels made of beeswax, brass, and cement. For the Lebanon-based artist, the work not only references geography but functions as an atlas of the city's rich and troubled history. "Each curve, each corner has a story in it," he has said. Recently, Paulina Pobocha—the associate curator in the department of Painting and Sculpture who helped bring the work to MoMA—spoke to Rechmoaui about mapmaking, Beirut in the 1990s, and the power of stories.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity
Paulina Pobocha: I wanted to start by acknowledging that the extreme financial crisis Lebanon is going through makes today seem like maybe not the best time to talk about art. But then, when I was thinking about how much your own work deals with not only the history of Lebanon, but also the current economic situation, I realized that maybe it isn't so odd. And you've just had a show that opened against this backdrop.
Marwan Rechmaoui: Yes, after a year of delays and postponing. And I learned from that experience that everybody needed it. Me, the gallery, the staff of the gallery, the audience that came. It had a lot of positive energy in it. I think it's important to keep going. I mean, that is what artists do, and that is what galleries do.
I want to talk about Beirut by the Sea, the work in MoMA's collection. I am struck by its materials. The sea is made of beeswax, and there's a brass line delineating the coastline. But then, the city of Beirut itself, the landmass, is made from concrete. And what I feel is particularly resonant at this moment is that the concrete is cracking.
When you're watering the concrete after it dries, you can control the cracks, so it's deliberate. But I don't want to add the symbolic layer to it. It's simply aesthetic. And it keeps repeating in my work. Of course time is a factor in the work itself. When I was back in art school, the archiving and the age of the materials were very important. You know, the age of oil paint and the canvas and the paper. So it's in the back of my mind, and it keeps coming out in an inverted way. Almost like, "Show cracks. Show decay. Show yellowing."
Installation view of Marwan Rechmaoui. Beirut by the Sea. 2017–19
This work was preceded by Lebanon by the Sea. That was the first work that mapped the coastline. Are you planning to further develop this idea?
One new project is a series of wall pieces, made of beeswax, but colored. They're going to be called The Satellites. This new work depicts the 22 Arab capitals, the members of the Arab League. So, you have the Middle East, North Africa, and East Africa. Until recently, I was also focusing on a project titled If I Only Had a Chance. I started doing replicas of structures designed by Oscar Niemeyer, the Brazilian architect. He designed a cultural park in Tripoli, the second city in Lebanon, that was never completed. It's basically a skeleton now. It was supposed to have had an experimental theater, an amphitheater, a space museum, many different things. So I started replicating those structures. So far, I've done three out of the 24.
Tell me about your interest in mapping. It seems to me that your work falls into three groups. In the first, like Beirut by the Sea or the new project that you're working on, Satellites, there's an almost literal form of mapping, documenting the topography and, within that, the history of the city. And then there are works that are smaller scale models of buildings, like Spectre or Monument for the Living. And then there's a third kind of work that you're making, like your Pillars, where there is a one-to-one scale representation of a city, but one that is imagined, or seems imaginative. How do all these pieces fit together? How do you go from one to another? Because they're not only about shifting scale, but really about shifting perspective, too.
For me, a map is travel. Even when you are sitting at home and looking at a map, studying it, and imagining the situation, you're traveling in your mind. This is my interest in maps, the innocent interest. You will notice that with my colleagues of my generation, archiving and mapping is part of their work because we were trying to create a base of historical documentation. You know, all these things that will make us understand how and why the war happened, because it was not given much thought. The two sides decided to stop fighting in the early 1990s, but nothing was resolved. This is why the situation now is very complex. And we've been without a government since around 2005. So we're back at point zero. You know, all the work we did in the '90s and early in this millennium is gone. And that's part of the destruction of the cultural scene here. You know, to start again, that's a bit difficult.
And you attribute this largely to the fact that, at the end of the Lebanese Civil War in the early '90s, there was a handshake, but none of the underlying issues that caused the war were dealt with?
A handshake and a kiss. What made peace was the promise of money coming to the country. But the problems of the society and the country's identity are still unsolved. So this is where mapping comes in. The buildings are, basically, different kinds of failures. None of them were ever completed, but they have real addresses. You can take a cab from the airport to the site. They are still there and you can see them. The idea was to document those failures, to keep them as artworks so people will look at them. And this way they will look at the original thing that they pass by all the time without noticing.
What's interesting about your works with maps is that they bring certain aspects of cities to the surface, maybe in the same way that the buildings that you make draw our attention to things that would have been overlooked.
In mapping the lines in my work, accuracy is very important. In Beirut by the Sea, the coastline's curves are almost identical to the real coastline. And I'm very strict with that, because every centimeter has an event or a story. So it's important for me to show all these details, because they are like characters.
Can you talk a little bit more about what you mean?
Hypothetically speaking, if you place your finger on one spot along the coastline in Beirut by the Sea, your finger might land on the fisherman who goes there every afternoon. An amateur fisherman who fishes as a hobby. He stands on that rock for two hours; what does he have in his bag? How is he preparing the line and the hook? That is a story.
Another story might be about the guy who sells corn, and where he puts his cart. At another spot there is a V in the coastline, which resembles a small fishing port. Right next to it, a high-rise went up in the '90s, and the developers wanted to buy out the fishermen, to bulldoze this place and use it for parking, probably. So, the fishermen refused, and there were a lot of protests near the location. And the fishermen stayed. But now, 20 years later, the fishermen are retired or dead, and their kids are not into fishing. They're probably educated and do something else. So this place is still there. It's not a parking lot, and it's no longer used as a port, either. It was lost in translation.
There are many stories like this. And that is why it's important to keep these details. Because a person who knows the city can read a story there, or remember a moment. People can read maps very well.
I learned this when I made Beirut Caoutchouc. It's a big, black rubber map that's also very accurate, and people are allowed to walk on it. You wouldn't believe the amount of conversations that come out of that work. Conversation between viewers, not with me. People trying to find a location, arguing about a location. "Is it here or is it that one over there?" So they follow the lines, and they get to the right place without having the names, you know? It's very abstract. But, because the map is accurate, they can follow it.
You had been living in New York and you decided to move to Lebanon in the '90s. Can you talk about that?
Even though I love New York, it was probably the best move I've made, because it gave me the opportunity to be what I am now. This is thanks to Beirut in the '90s: how ambitious it was, how feverish it was, and how it gave us the energy to do all this. I was very lucky to live there. And even now, with the crisis and the gloomy situation, you still see some sparks of energy here. And probably, in a few years, it will change again.
Associate Curator, Department of Painting and Sculpture
A Call for Beirut
In the wake of the Beirut blast of August 4, Akram Zaatari, Yasmine Eid-Sabbagh, and Rachel Tabet discuss their city and the future of the Arab Image Foundation.
Clément Chéroux
Support the People and Culture of Beirut
An incomplete list of initiatives to help rebuild Beirut and aid the people affected by the August 4 explosion
Ruba Katrib
Reckoning with Meret Oppenheim
Read four responses to the influential artist's provocative work.
Bice Curiger, Lazaro Hernandez, Jack McCollough, Wangechi Mutu, River L. Ramirez
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Apple Inc. finally unveiled Apple Watch, iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus, on September 9. Despite the various rumors on what the Apple could have planned, the long wait was over. Most did not anticipate the new way of payment through an iPhone that was introduced by Tim Cook, Chief Executive Officer of Apple.
The Apple Watch that had been a buzz a week before it was even introduced, was estimated to fetch $349 when it gets to the stores on 2015. The timepiece has fitness sensors and communication capabilities. It can receive messages and phone calls, play music, be used as a wallet for payments, and monitor health, however, it needs to be tettered with an iPhone. If a person wants to have an Apple watch that comes in three styles of band straps, then he must also possess an iPhone. This seemed to be the downside some considered.
Also, rival companies with smartwatches were not able to fetch more in the market. According to Jon Cox of Swiss watch company, he thought that the anticipated smartwatch was not as knock out as he thought it would be.
Also, the company took pride of their firsts larger smartphones, 5.5-inch iPhone 6 Plus and 4.7-inch iPhone 6. These iPhone would have the service 'Apple Pay' that would give people the ability to pay for their goods without cash or card. Apple's partners are McDonald's, Whole Foods and Walt Disney Co.


Skyway Capital Markets, LLC, a Tampa, FL-based boutique investment banking, managing broker dealer and wholesale securities distribution firm, is pleased to announce Joe Millo has joined as National Sales Director.
In his new role, Millo will be responsible for all sales efforts for Skyway's managing broker dealer and distribution platform. This will include leading the wholesaling and national account teams and expanding the selling groups within the independent broker dealer and registered investment advisor (RIA) channels. His position comprises a cross-product strategy, including all current and future offerings.
Mr. Millo is a 27-year veteran of the financial services industry starting his career at American Skandia in 1992. Since that time, he has worked to build distribution for Genworth Financial, Grubb & Ellis and most recently for Great-West Financial.
At Great-West, Mr. Millo was tasked with developing and executing a strategy to expand the firm's distribution to include the independent advisor channel and from 2012-2016 he served a dual role as National Sales Manager and National Account Manager for the newly-established sales organization. During his tenure, Millo was instrumental in expanding the firm's selling group, it's sales force and sales volume, which contributed to significant sales growth through 2018.
Mr. Millo began his college years at Berklee College of Music in Boston before moving over to Sacred Heart University in Connecticut where he completed his degree.


The SecurityScorecard ratings platform helps enterprises across the globe manage the cyber security posture of their vendors. Our SaaS products have created a new category of enterprise software and our culture has helped us be recognized as one of the 10 hottest SaaS startups in NY for two years in a row. Our investors include both Sequoia and Google Ventures. We are scaling quickly but are ever mindful of our people and products as we grow.
The Senior Data Analytics Engineer will build meaningful analytics that inform companies of security risk. You will be working closely with our Data Science team, implementing algorithms and managing the analytic pipeline. We have over 1 PB of data, so the ideal candidate will have experience processing and querying large amounts of data.
Provide technical leadership and mentorship to the existing engineering team.
Leverage cutting-edge technologies to support new and existing and services and processes.
Improve the effective output of the engineering team by managing quality, and identifying inconsistencies.
5+ years of experience with proven experience as a technical leader and mentoring junior to mid-level engineers in a rapidly-growing start-up or organization.
Strong understanding of Software Architecture principles and patterns.
Quick-thinker that takes ownership and pride in their work, and is very passionate about technology.
A commitment and drive for excellence and continual improvement and a strong sense of adventure, excitement and enthusiasm.
Participate in technical staff augmentation by interviewing and helping to make decisions around prospective hires.
Excellent systems analytical, problem solving and interpersonal skills.
Bachelor's degree (CS, EE or Math preferred) or equivalent work experience as well as interest in a fast paced, complex environment.


To use Opsview's 'Agentless' Windows monitors, an account that has access to Windows Management Instrumentation data counters is required. There are two methods to accomplish this.
Create a standard Administrator account.
Configure a restricted user that is only allowed access to standard user functions and WMI performance counters.
Creating an Administrator account solely for the purpose of monitoring may lead to security concerns, hence Opsview has outlined instructions on how to create an appropriate privileged user below.
Our guide will implement three core tasks.
The account will need access to 'DCOM'. This is the facility used to execute WMI queries.
The account will need access to the WMI tree. At a minimum, the 'root/CIMv2' branch permission must be granted.
To allow for performance monitoring, the user needs to be a member of the Performance Monitor Users group.
Ensure This namespace and subnamespaces is selected under the apply to object.
If the Windows Firewall is running on your monitored host, there are some configuration changes that need to be implemented to allow WMI requests to be authorized.
Once everything is confirmed, select OK then OK again to close the remaining control panel dialog.
You should now be ready to utilize this account for monitoring within Opsview.


The river rises at Calderhead on Heald Moor, west of Burnley in Lancashire.
There are two rivers Calder at the source: one flowing west to join the Ribble and going on to the Irish Sea, and the Yorkshire Calder.
The Yorkshire Calder flows eastwards for a distance of around 56 miles, through Todmorden – where it forms part of the Yorkshire-Lancashire border – Hebden Bridge, Mytholmroyd, Luddendenfoot, Sowerby Bridge, Copley, Elland, Brighouse, Cooper Bridge where it joins the River Colne, and on to Wakefield, joining the River Aire at Castleford. From there, it flows on into the Humber and the North Sea.
The river drains an area of approximately 365 square miles. It falls from 1300 ft above sea-level to around 50 ft when it joins the Aire. There are around 800,000 people living in the catchment of the river.
At Black Pit, Hebden Bridge, it is joined by Hebden Water.
At Sowerby Bridge it is joined by the Ryburn. It is one of the few local rivers with enough power to turn the wheels of the mills.
At Brooksmouth it is joined by the Hebble.
The river is only navigable in parts – see Calder & Hebble Navigation.
Major river crossings are at Elland and Brighouse.
Another suggestion is that the name derives from 2 tributaries: the Cal & the Der which meet at Todmorden.
Today, there are several species of coarse fish in the river, including barbel, bream, brown trout, carp, chub, dace, grayling, gudgeon, ide, perch, roach, silver bream, tench.
The last salmon in the Calder was caught in 1850 before increasing pollution did considerable damage to the wildlife. On 8th April 1881, a trout weighing 12 ounces was caught in the Calder at Carrfield, Portsmouth, Todmorden.


The City of Wichita is holding an internet-only auction of surplus vehicles, equipment and miscellaneous items. The online auction closes at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, May 10. Items include cars, trucks, dump trucks, vans, buses, trailers, air compressors, office furniture and miscellaneous equipment, etc.
Inspection times are from 4 to 7 p.m. on Wednesday, May 4, and 12 to 4 p.m. on Saturday, May 7, at the Central Maintenance Facility (1801 S. McLean).


Early openers on the rise: Kiwis +0.8%, Aussies +0.6%, Japan +1.6%, Sth Korea +0.9%.
Aussie sectors ranging from Energy +1.6% down to Gold -1.9%.
A surprise surge by All Ords left the index +1.3% for the day. Most sectors jumped: IT +2.6%, Financials/Energy +2%, REITS +1.6% with Gold the main loser, -1.4%.
Over in Asia, China +0.3%, Hong Kong +1.7%, Japan +2.2%, India currently +0.9%.
I think a theme in 2019 will be a sell off in European bonds.
3 day cycle projection 2700.
Both under water one quite a bit under.
5 day cycle projection 2697.
The Brits digged their own grave with that Brexit. In a few years Boris Johnson will run for his life.
Is it just me or is the action just plain weird?
Yep, looks like completely rigged today. Think they do this to avoid a massive sell off if May lose the support of her own party today.


View our latest testimony and comments submitted to the Oregon Legislature. More here.
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← Contact Your Senator and Stop Wendy Vitter!


The narrow margin of the Ravens' 9-6 win against the Kansas City Chiefs might have been more comfortable if Deonte Thompson had not committed the biggest gaffe of his rookie season.
The kick returner opened the second half by returning a Ryan Succop kickoff 32 yards. But at the 29-yard line, former Ravens wide receiver Terrence Copper reached out and stripped the football from Thompson's right arm and former Ravens linebacker Edgar Jones pounced on the loose ball at the 29.
According to both Thompson and inside linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, Copper's play was the only hurdle that prevented Thompson from reaching the end zone and giving the team what would have been a 10-3 lead.
In a span of a few seconds, the Ravens sideline went from elation to disappointment.
Thompson, who ranks sixth in the AFC with a 25.9-yard average on kick returns, echoed Ayanbadejo's sentiment. But he also emphasized that he can't afford to fumble any more returns.


text:
Joke tags
dead baby
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!"
Joke has 85.85 % from 469 votes. More jokes about: animal, cop, drug, life
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Joke has 85.58 % from 2588 votes. More jokes about: cop, drunk, husband, wife
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Joke has 85.41 % from 864 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, wife
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Joke has 85.40 % from 1279 votes. More jokes about: cop, lawyer, marriage, wife
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Joke has 85.31 % from 645 votes. More jokes about: cop, wife
A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer and he walked away.
Joke has 85.20 % from 764 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, wife, women
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
Joke has 85.04 % from 399 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, marriage, wife
The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"
Joke has 84.53 % from 233 votes. More jokes about: age, cop, marriage, wife
The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet. The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Joke has 84.40 % from 231 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, wife, women
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Joke has 83.94 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, time, wife
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