text:
Assure Jokes
I was told I was addicted to cocaine, but I can assure you I am definitely not.
I just love the way it smells.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.
"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.
Still showing reservations, the woma...
Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?
Me: The vampire
Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does
A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by
He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.
So of course they stop fighting immediately.
"Right," says the wizard, "why don't you go first, bear?"
The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, "I wish that every b...
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she starte...
A Guy's Mom Comes to Have Dinner at His Apartment
She notices that his female roommate is very attractive, and drops a few hints to him, wondering if they are more than just roommates. He assures her this is not the case. Dinner and the visit conclude, and mom goes home.
The next day, his roommate notices that their large silver serving spo...
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...
Surprise...
I took a girl home from the club last night and while I was in the bathroom rummaging for condoms, she shouted "I hope you won't be grossed out when you see that I'm in bed."
I rushed into the bedroom to assure her that there was nothing wrong with her but I was met by a sight that took me by su...
A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...
The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a gre...
A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine
He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."
The ma...
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we...
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car
Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.
Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.
"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.
"Well, i...
Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.
Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to d...
The Voodoo Dick
A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...
The Stretcher
A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:
Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup
Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...
Breaking news: After reading Matthew 19:24, megachurch pastor Joel Osteen has begun donating large sums of money.
"*Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.*" This simple verse inspired a startling change in one of the richest pastors in history, Joel Osteen.
With great enthusiasm, Mr. Osteen assures the public ...
I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it's not much he goes in anyway.....
To his surprise the madam says, "We have something for every price." She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, "...
A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.
He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...
The Nigerian king
Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...
After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...
"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...
3 presidents were in hell.
Nelson mandela, JFK and Stalin are all in hell.
Nelson Mandela walks up go the devil and says I want to make a call back home. The devil allows him to use the phone. 5 minutes later he hangs up and the devil gives him the bill, Its $100.
Next comes stalin. He makes the sane request and af...
A man with chronic vision problems...
A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...
A young couple gets married....
....and on their honeymoon, the young man asks his bride for a blow job. She refuses, saying "I'm afraid if I do that you won't respect me anymore". The husband assures her he would always respect her but she refuses.
Every year, on their anniversary the man makes the same request and the w...
A dentist is terrified of women
A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.
One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....
A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance
The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.
"What's the matter sir?"
"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last ...
[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.
All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...
Today my wife visited me at work. And this kid I was dealing with was really afraid of getting the vaccine shot.
So I told him "Don't worry, I'll be really quick and I assure you that you won't feel a thing."
And my wife whispered "That's what you should have said to me last night."
[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness.
Stevie says, "I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go." The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try.
"Ok" she says, "it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will h...
Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...
He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.
Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...
A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
[NSFW] A man goes to a prostitute...
A man goes to a prostitute and asks, "How much is a blow job?"
"$150."
The man says that's really expensive but the prostitute assures him that is worth it. The man agrees and hands her the money. He pulls out his penis and begins masturbating furiously.
"Hey what are you doin...
One of the nurses came over when she saw me crying in the waiting room.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I don't believe it," I wept, "I reversed my car into my mother-in-law."
"Sir, I can assure you that she'll be perfectly fine," the nurse replied.
I said, "Exactly."
A women wants to surprise her husband so she visits a sex shop
And asks for something special for her husband. The owner says that he has a one of a kind frog that gives the best blowjobs a men can ask for.
She buys the frog and in the evening surprises her husband.
"I got you this frog as a present"
The husband is perplexed:
"Why did yo...
A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident.
They find themselves meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he's about to let them in to Heaven. Before they go in, the woman says "St. Peter, we were planning to get married in a few months, is there any way we can get married in Heaven, so we can spend the rest of eternity together?"
The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.
The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...
One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...
Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.
Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...
On an undisclosed Singapore Airline flight..
Passenger: Hello Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him….
Flight Attendant: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir..
Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la…even the Captain is always looking f...
The dick inside the pickle slicer! Posted originally by u/delvach on r/Damnthatsinteresting
One dude worked at the pickle factory. He's been there for years and his wife start to notice that he's acting strange around the house. One day she asks him what's wrong. He's hesitant but eventually tells her, "Lately I've been having this really terrible urge to.. stick my penis in the pickle...
A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...
They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies ...
A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she ha...
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...
A man goes into his son's room
to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later...
The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.
All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.
The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."
The frightened passengers look at each other.
The pilot speaks again...
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have eve...
A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)
*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*
A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.
The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"
Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...
Official Rules for Indoor Golf
(an oldie, but a goodie)
1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.
2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...
NSFW An old woman buys a parrot.
She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner.
When she gets home and puts the parrot in it's cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words.
She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the sho...
An American brings a Chinese Man to a hotdog stand.
The American orders a hotdog and assures the Chinese Man that the food here is very good.
When the hotdog is served, the Chinese Man begins to look pale.
The American asks, "What's wrong?"
The Chinese Man replies, "When we eat dogs, we typically remove this part of the body. No...
A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach...
...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out.
"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.
The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."
Poof.
They are transported to a beautifu...
A pilot finds a solution
A man in his early 60's has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.
One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
Grand Misunderstanding?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?...
An Icelander takes a trip to Norway but is worried because he doesn't speak the language.
His friend assures him that this shouldn't be a problem: just speak very slowly and the Norwegians will understand you perfectly fine. Once in Oslo the Icelander goes to a bar and tries to order a beer in very slow Icelandic:
"I... want... a... beer."
The bartender gives him a beer. It...
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, "I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts."
So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.
The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."
The mortician agrees and thanks...
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.
I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket." I wrote back, "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."
Hitler asked a fortune teller what day he would die
The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you sure of that" he asked. "Any day" she replies "you die will be a Jewish holiday"
The painter in the brewery
A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.
The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her...
Jason and Charlie go golfing
After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few...
Shotgun to the Crotch
Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.
Ephis screams in pain!
"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line
The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure...
Severance Packages
The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.
A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...
A man and his wife are driving down a highway...
...and the man is not wearing his seatbelt. He cruises down the Interstate when he notices a couple of cops seated by the road. Quickly, the man reaches for his seatbelt and continues to drive. Unfortunately for him, the cops have already spotted him and have started to catch up to him. The sirens s...
A man goes to the doctor
The doctor says "what's wrong?"
The man says "well, I have a problem down there but I'm afraid you'll laugh at me"
She says "sir, I assure you I will not, I have worked here 10 years and have not once laughed at a patient's body"
He says "Well, alright." And drops his pants.
Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?
Oman the whole story is ridiculous.
I basically had to Qatar cross the border.
Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.
I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.
Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...
WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"
WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
WAITER: "Sir,...
Special High Intensity Teaching
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that...
Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.
The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.
The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...
I used to work at an airport
One day a man came up to the counter absolutely seething.
He said 'first of all, I think that's my bag' and pointed to a suitcase sitting in lost property behind me.
'and second of all, I have it on good authority that my wife has been cheating on me behind my back with a member of t...
Three men die and go to heaven
When the first guy arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says "my son, we're a bit crowded here, and you're only allowed in heaven if you had a traumatic death". "Traumatic death?" the guy exclaims, "I just caught my wife cheating. I came to my apartment early and she was naked on the bed. And th...
Have you heard that joke about Peter Pan
Never gets old.
[I can assure you this is a repost. I've just not seen it for ages.]
How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.
Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him
but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid
A Well-Argued Court Case
The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...
An old Persian joke
Long ago, there lived a poor peasant in the Persian Empire. The man had, some years before, lost his luck. His wife died, his meager wealth ebbed further away, and the poor peasant was on the verge of starvation. Realizing his life was growing grim, he decided that he would find his luck out there i...
A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly
the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assur...
Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...
This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...
A man is strolling past the mental hospital
and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...
A man takes home a prostitute
After they get back, she starts undressing him, first starting with the socks.
Once she gets them off, she sees that his toes are all mangled. She asks the man what happened and he replies, "When I was a child I had toelio"
The prostitute asks, "Do you mean Polio?"
He assures her it was...
A Chinese man is on his death bed...
With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?
The doctor assures him she is.
"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"
"They are."
"What about my sister?"
Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, alo...
A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.
The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."
The man says he can handle himself, he's ...
An old forest ranger is retiring.
At his retirement party he tells his successor, "Jerry, whatever you do, don't fire Hugh Williams".
Well Jerry doesn't really like being told what to do, especially by some guy on his way out the door, but he assures the old ranger he won't fire him.
A few years pass without incident, but as ...
The 2016 Presidential Election ended in a tie
So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the n...
A man buys a parrot...
And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.
In a rage, he finally throws the bird i...
A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.
The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...
Moses and Jesus golfing
So Jesus and Moses are playing some golf, and Jesus has a pond in between him and the hole. Jesus says "I'm going to bounce it off the water and into the hole."
Moses shakes his head "That's never going to work."
Jesus assures Moses "Nah don't worry, I saw Tiger Woods do it."
Jesus hits the...
So I took my girlfriend's virginity and her father found out
It went a bit like this
Father: I can't believe you two did that! You're supposed to stay pure until marriage!
Me: I'm very sorry sir. I assure you it will never happen again.
Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.
They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...
An 15 year old girl got pregnant.
After few days she told her mother about it.
Mother: "WHO IS THE FATHER? CALL THAT SON OF A BITCH NOW".
30 minutes later, a Rolls Royce Phantom stops in front of their house.
A matured grey haired man in a very expensive suit steps out.
Man: "I am sorry for the situation....
A Monk And A Nun Are Playing Darts In A Monastery.
The monk throws his dart, and misses the board. "Oh shit, I missed" he says. The nun says, "Don't say that here, this is a holy place."
The monk assures her he will not, and throws his next dart. It misses the board. "Oh SHIT, I missed!"
The nun exclaims, "DO NOT SAY THAT HERE, THE LOR...
A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.
He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.
"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"
The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The ...
Donald Trump is so keen on his new Border Patrol Squad he recruits them all personally.
Donald Trump is so keen on his new Border Patrol Squad he recruits them all personally. A young applicant comes in and Trump greets him. 'There's no formalities here,' Trump assures the nervous young man, 'it's just a simple test. Here's a gun with six bullets. I want you to go out, shoot five M...
The Pope, Trump, and a Polak walk into a bar...
While they're walking in, the bartender hears them finishing up some discussion.
Trump says, "It's a deal, tremendous idea. A billion dollar contract, screen doors for every submarine in our fleet. Very, very impressive."
The pope says, "I assure you, guaranteed entry into heaven, no...
A young woman lived alone in an apartment on the top floor of her building. One day, she got a phonecall on her landline from a number she didn't know. She answered it. "Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. And I am coming to your apartment soon." Then the person hung up.
The woman didn't know ...
In a first grade class on the first day of school
In a first grade class on the first day of school, the teacher wanted to get to know all the students, so she had them all stand up and say their names. A little boy stood up and said that his name was "Mother Fucker."
"Excuse me?" asked the incredulous teacher.
"That's right ho, my name is Mo...
The Wrestler.
There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.
In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a t...
A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...
The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.
"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find tho...
Lady Golfer NSFW
Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...
Yasser Arafat calls George Bush the morning of 9/11.
"Speaking in behalf of all my population, I am truly sickened by the tragedy that happened and I wanted to assure you that we do not condone terrorist acts in any form or way."
"Sorry Yasser, but what are you talking about?"
"Oh shit guys why didn't you remind me of the different timez...
A German engineer, an Indian engineer, and a Chinese engineer die and go to Heaven
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.
"As part of our skilled migration scheme, you will each have to propose a design for a planned 200 storey mixed-use development here in Heaven. The person with the most attractive proposal will be granted entry into Heaven. You have 4 day...
Wilson Nails
There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.
He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...
Email Blunder
A young married couple just got news that they were able to purchase their dream house in miami. The man tells the wife he'll go down a day early and make sure everything is in order, then she can fly down the following day. Upon arriving and making sure everything is how it should be, he emails his...
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how mu...
A blonde loses her checkbook...
When she reports this to her bank manager, he scolds her, "you need to be careful. Someone can forge your signature and steal your money!"
She assures him, "nah, I signed all my checks, so there's no space to forge my checks"
A lady goes to the doctor..
And the doctor prescribes testosterone. The lady was like, "Testosterone? That's a male hormone. Won't there be side effects?"
The doctor assures her that for her condition it's the right drug and the side effects will be minimal.
So she says okay, goes home and starts taking it. A fe...
A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and th...
guaranteecheckensurereassuresecurecontrolverifypromiseseetellconvincemaintaindeclareconfidentpledgesureplightsurelysweardeterminepersuademakeinforminsistsatisfyurgehopedemonstrateremindsustainacknowledgeadviseobligationprotectprovecalmcardlearnwatchcovertickproofdoomswanlullstillquietmarkcontractassurance


Now that's a brilliant idea! Wonder where I can get them?
This is a great invention needed by all of us.
Funny! I bought the very same thing last week Good for someone to see the need for such a product.
I got mine at Sur La Table!
Bernie ~ I got mine at Kroger's.
Mom ~ You're kidding me! Where did you get yours?
Sheila ~ I'm not familiar with that store. I'll bet it's a fun one, though!
Lona ~ I just couldn't resist them!
You bet they are cute and useful.


text:
SBA Announces Application Opening for Restaurant Revitalization Fund
Chris Popper Published: April 28, 2021
Brian Jackson
We all know that restaurants have been and continued to be hit hard by COVID-19 restrictions. The Small Business Association will begin taking registrations on Friday, April 30th at 9 a.m. and applications on Monday, May 3, 2021 at noon for the Restaurant Revitalization Fun. The online application will remain open to any eligible restaurant until all funds are exhausted.
The Restaurant Revitalization Fund provides a total of 28.6 billion in direct relief funds to restaurants and other hard hit food establishments that have experience economic distress and significant operating losses due to COVID-19. The program will provide restaurants with funding equal to their pandemic-related revenue loss up to $10 million per business and no more that $5 million per physical address. Funds must be used for allowable expenses by March 11, 2023
The SBA recommends qualifying applicants familiarize themselves with the application process in advance and do the following
Registering for an account in advance at sba.gov starting Friday, April 30, 2021, at 9 a.m. EDT.
Reviewing the official guidance, including program guide, frequently asked questions, and application sample.
Preparing the required documentation.
Working with a point-of-sale vendor or visiting sba.gov to submit an application when the application portal opens. [Note: If an applicant is working with a point-of-sale vendor, they do not need to register beforehand on the site.]
Attending a live recorded virtual training webinar.
1. Wednesday, April 28 | 1 p.m. EDT | Register here
2. Wednesday, April 28 | 2:30 p.m. EDT | Register here
For the first 21 days that the program is open, the SBA will prioritize funding applications from businesses owned and controlled by women, veterans, and socially and economically disadvantaged individuals. All eligible applicants are encouraged to submit applications as soon as the portal opens. Following the 21 days, all eligible applications will be funded on a first-come, first-served basis.
Thanks to the Bar Harbor Chamber of Commerce for sending the information
Filed Under: Coronavirus, COVID-19

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaCommonCrawl


decades now. I am a food blogger, dog lover, party thrower, gift giver, liver and lover of life.
When I was growing up, and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said "A Mom." I loved having a stay at home mom, and I always wanted that for my kids. When I got married, my husband and I had the same ideals of what we wanted our family life to be like. Even though I grew up in the city, in Omaha, and he grew up on a farm in rural Iowa, we were raised very much the same. We appreciated that our family sat down at night to eat dinner together, and that big family get togethers with our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, didn't just happen on the holidays. We wanted this for our kids, too.
We were married in 1991, only 11 months after our first date. In 1994, we had our first child, a son, and in 1997 our second child, a daughter joined the family. I did in-home day care for a short time, to make it possible for me to stay home with our kids. I had an online scrapbooking business for a few years, and enjoyed the creative outlet it gave me. In 2002, we were surprised when the doctor told us that we were expecting TWINS. Blessed from above, our family size grew again, and I gave up on my scrapbooking business. Those first years were really busy! In 2001, we added the first of our "fur babies," Gabby a West Highland White Terrier, and in 2004, a boxer, Sully, joined the family. We lost both of them within a year in 2015-16. In December of 2015 we added Theo, a Flashy-Fawn Boxer, to our family, and then 9 months later, his biological sister, Libby, a Flashy Brindle Boxer came to join us, too.
I have always enjoyed entertaining, cooking and baking. I love the creative outlet that blogging gives me, to experiment and develop recipes, photograph them and share them with my readers all over the world.
These days, our oldest son lives about an hour away, and is completing his final year of college. Our oldest daughter has completed her degree in cosmetology, and is a fantastic stylist at one of the top salons in Omaha. She is very independent, and moved out on her own in early 2017. Our twins are beginning their first year of high school this year. It's so hard to believe! Even with our busy schedules, football, musicals, show choir and homework, we sit down every evening at the kitchen table (no electronics allowed) and eat together as a family. Whoever is here, or whoever may stop by, there is always plenty; but nothing makes me happier than when EVERYONE is home, and I can look around my table and there is a "seat in every seat." Then my heart is full.


text:
Spanish tablet computer maker NT-K brings indictment against Apple for alleged extortion
In early November 2011 I reported on the acquittal of a small Spanish tablet computer maker, Nuevas Tecnologías y Energías Catalá (doing business as "NT-K"), after Apple had alleged "counterfeiting", and translated the relevant court order. Today, NT-K issued a Spanish-language press release announcing the filing of an indictment against Apple for the alleged act of extortion. NT-K's owners filed those charges with the office of the district attorney (public prosecutor) for the Valencia region.
I have only seen the press release and the front page of the indictment. NT-K plans to publish some of the accompanying documentation on its corporate blog, starting next week.
Back in November I already pointed out that I believe NT-K's Android-based tablet computers didn't represent an act of counterfeiting in the narrow sense of the word: NT-K wasn't building iPad clones. At the most, they may have infringed a Community design, an EU-wide design-related right (comparable to a U.S. design patent), that belongs to Apple. In my view, any dispute over that type of infringement should be resolved under civil law without raising, directly or indirectly, issues under criminal law.
But this goes both ways. I understand that NT-K was offended by having to defend itself in a criminal proceeding that was more or less directly triggered by Apple asking customs authorities for help against an alleged counterfeiter. However, that doesn't make Apple's aggressive enforcement activities a crime. For now I don't see evidentiary support for the claim that Apple sought to "extort" NT-K and possibly other small companies.
I have looked up (on Wikipedia) the definition of extortion according to Spanish criminal law. It comes down to someone with the intent to enrich himself forcing, through violence or intimidation, his victim to commit or desist from an act or transaction to the economic detriment of the victim or a third party. NT-K argues that Apple sought to enrich itself to NT-K's detriment by intimidating NT-K, with the force ot its legal machinery, into the destruction of its products, the discontinuation of their commercialization, a waiver of its legal rights and the surrender of its customer list. In the alternative, Apple was going to -- and did -- shut down NT-K's importation of allegedly infringing products for at least a certain period of time.
While NT-K's representation of the events appears to match the aforementioned definition on the surface, aggressive enforcement of rights -- in this case, intellectual property rights -- is not necessarily a crime. Apple's lawyers threatened with legal action that may have been based on a very far-reaching definition of "counterfeiting" and probably also on the assumption of a very broad scope of the asserted Community design, but so far I don't see any signs of a criminal act. Since Apple's allegations of counterfeiting were dismissed, NT-K can try to recover damages and pursue other legal action, but it appears to me that Apple's conduct was above board. What NT-K has described so far looks to me like a case of bullying and I don't support it, but there was most probably a genuine legal dispute. In such a dispute, each party is allowed to assert its rights, state its views, and threaten with further legal action in the event of continued non-compliance with its requests.
NT-K's press release mentions that its lawyers sent Apple's counsel a letter that "dismantled, item by item, Apple's allegations" of counterfeiting, but subsequently, Apple reported NT-K's tablet to the Spanish customs authorities regardless. While I don't rule out that it might have been more appropriate for Apple in this case to engage in a constructive dialog with NT-K's counsel, it's nothing unusual for a right holder to take the next step if the recipient of a cease-and-desist order or notice of infringement disagrees.
I don't want to speculate about NT-K's intentions here. I believe that NT-K is probably entitled to the recovery of a reasonable amount of damages, but if I were Apple, I wouldn't pay more, or more quickly, just because of an indictment that may be no less overreaching than Apple's original "counterfeiting" claim was.
If you'd like to be updated on the smartphone patent disputes and other intellectual property matters I cover, please subscribe to my RSS feed (in the right-hand column) and/or follow me on Twitter @FOSSpatents and Google+.
Eingestellt von Florian Mueller um 8:25 PM
Labels: Android, Apple, Community design, iPad, Tablets
ITC throws out Barnes & Noble's antitrust claims a...
EU launches full-blown investigation of Samsung's ...
German appeals court upholds Galaxy Tab 10.1 injun...
Legendary judge hands Apple key patent interpretat...
Samsung loses second German 3G patent lawsuit agai...
Judge ups the ante for Oracle with respect to two ...
Samsung allowed to show Apple-Qualcomm contracts, ...
Google authorized Motorola to seek an injunction a...
Apple appeals ITC decision on complaint against HT...
Overview of Microsoft's and Motorola's petitions f...
Oracle accepts judge's proposal, will submit new d...
Dutch appeals court says Galaxy Tab 10.1 doesn't i...
Will Google break or save the Internet?
Judge refuses to separate patent claims from Oracl...
Apple says Galaxy Nexus infringes slide-to-unlock ...
Mannheim court rejects the first one of Samsung's ...
Google doesn't dignify Oracle's proposed priority ...
Microsoft asks ITC to take closer look at Motorola...
Oracle says each day's worth of Android activation...
In surprise move, Oracle asks court to stay its pa...
Apple attacks 15 Samsung products with new German ...
Preliminary ITC ruling doesn't hold Motorola to in...
Judge says Oracle-Google trial will take two month...
Microsoft-LG agreement shows Android (and Chrome) ...
Oracle proposes speedy path to injunction or settl...
Samsung wants to show Apple's contracts and corres...
Eastman Kodak sues Apple over four and HTC over fi...
Microsoft streamlines Barnes&Noble case by withdra...
Spanish tablet computer maker NT-K brings indictme...
Requested ITC review could find Motorola in infrin...
Financial analyst believes patent litigation could...
Chief judge of District of Delaware reproaches App...
Microsoft and Motorola both ask the ITC to overrul...
Motorola drops emergency call GPS patent from ITC ...
Incontrovertible evidence: Oracle raised, not slas...
Italian court denies Samsung motion for preliminar...
Thanks to Apple's flawed litigation strategy, HTC ...
Oracle-Google jury will be informed of status of (...
Oracle's lawsuit against Google to go to trial on ...
Jammed schedule in January: mobile patent litigati...


text:
IFR Asia - Debt Capital Markets 2015 By Frances Yoon
Debt Capital Markets: Clouds gathering
IFR Asia - Debt Capital Markets 2015
Asian investors have grown comfortable with the new flavours of bank capital and remain as hungry as ever for yield, giving issuers the freedom to choose different structures and to narrow premiums.
If 2014 was a record year for offshore Asian bank capital supply, 2015 is shaping up as a seller's market as issuers take a breather from jumbo offerings and eager investors remain hooked on the tempting returns associated with this still relatively new asset class.
Chinese banks have become the largest international issuers of Basel III-compliant paper in Asia since the region's first trade in 2013, but, so far, only Bank of Communications, China Minsheng Bank and China Construction Bank are in the pipeline to sell Additional Tier 1 bonds.
Those issues are expected to pale in size to Bank of China's US$6.5bn and Industrial and Commercial Bank of China's US$5.7bn AT1s sold in the last quarter of 2014.
Back then, the BOC transaction was the world's largest at the time of issue, while ICBC was the first to sell AT1s in Asia across three currencies.
"The investor base is hungry for higher-yielding products. So, as long as they understand the risk, I think there will be pretty good demand. Asian investors are pretty sophisticated now and understand banks well."
"There are constant discussions with Chinese banks to look at pref shares and Tier 2, though the total volume is expected to be significantly smaller than 2014," said Lee-Shin Koh, director of debt capital markets origination for Citigroup.
Bankers expect Asian bank capital supply to reach as much as US$15bn this year, compared with the US$22.1bn issued in the region in 2014. The AT1s from BOC and ICBC alone accounted for a combined US$12.2bn of last year's total.
CCB plans to sell up to a quarter of its approved Rmb80bn issuance offshore, while BoCom is looking at around Rmb15bn away from China from up to Rmb60bn in AT1s.
"It is possible that other regional banks will look for capital to refinance redemptions, but will be subject to local currency pricing for many of them," said Koh.
BoCom and CCB are expected to tap the markets relatively soon, especially because bankers have suggested issuers take advantage of a rate environment that is still cheap historically.
"Given that the rate cycle does look like it might rise before the end of the year, the window of opportunity is more likely post-summer for the expected issuance of T1, AT1 and T2 bonds," said Frank Kwong, head of debt syndicate for Asia at BNP Paribas.
"Away from the Asian banks, there is a possibility that they will look at T2 as well."
Insatiable demand
Despite recent volatility linked to the Greek debt crisis, Asian demand for bank capital is likely to hold steady. Regulatory regimes in Hong Kong, South Korea and Singapore have already proven more investor friendly with regards to bank resolutions than those in Europe. In addition, Asian credits have not been rocked to the degree of many in Europe, and the region's investors continue to seek higher returns.
"The investor base is hungry for higher-yielding products. So, as long as they understand the risk, I think there will be pretty good demand," said Kwong. "Asian investors are pretty sophisticated now and understand banks well. We're seeing some conformity in the structures and also see repeat issuers, who may have done T2s and are now looking at AT1s."
The combination of a thinner pipeline and strong demand is expected to be conducive for future supply. Banks also have the flexibility to choose between different types of bank capital.
"What we see in the market today is that both AT1s and T2s are well supported," said Kwong. "The issuer has a choice to go to the market with both, which I think is unlike Europe, perhaps, where we see more volatility. There, you will see certain markets come and go in both AT1s and T2s."
Premiums for loss absorption have come down significantly since the first deal from ICBC Asia two years ago. South Korea's Woori Bank has shown that AT1s can be priced without new-issue premiums, but the performance of those bonds exemplify the merit of paying an extra spread for a stable execution process, especially in more volatile markets.
"Investors are no longer expecting huge new-issue premiums to get involved in transactions, but, given where the global markets are today, issuers are going to have to pay up," said another senior banker on July 3. "In Europe, it was customary to pay new-issue premium of 30bp in the last two weeks."
"This is a stark contrast from the first half, where new-issue premiums were passed over, depending on your window."
TLAC buffers
One factor that may affect the current supply-and-demand dynamic of bank capital is the introduction of rules on lenders' total loss-absorbing capacity, or TLAC.
Lenders in Asia have largely been spared the debate raging in Europe and the US over TLAC capital buffers, intended to prevent taxpayer-funded bailouts of banks deemed too big to fail.
Regulators in the region have yet to announce formal TLAC guidelines, but many bankers say they expect Asia to align standards with the rest of the world over time. For now, only global systemically important banks (G-SIBs) need to hold additional capital buffers and the big-three Chinese lenders are exempt for now, although they will have to conform eventually.
Citigroup's Koh says discussions on TLAC beginning in November may start affecting the views of Chinese banks of further capital issuance.
"The biggest major challenge is if TLAC does drive a global increase in capital or quasi-capital issuance impacting supply," said Citigroup's Koh.
To lift TLAC ratios, banks are likely to issue far more T2 capital and create a new class of loss-absorbing senior bonds. However, Asian regulators have shown their uneasiness so far with the concept of bailing in senior debt, which is why Koh is still hesitant to consider TLAC as a serious issue at least for now.
Indeed, the Monetary Authority of Singapore has recently tabled proposals to limit its statutory bail-in framework to subordinated debt.
"This is unlikely to affect Asian demand dramatically though, unless Asian regulators do try and follow TLAC to some extent." said Koh.


News may hit you about riots,,, we are fine and well away from anything. No rioting here and all very calm.
Today we visited Kawoko church because the school was being used as a polling station for the elections. Firstly we were taught how to count to ten in Luganda and vice versa.
We then took the children outside where we arranged a mini sports day where Olly and Rory did some expert cheerleading. The children were surprisingly good at running whilst collecting tennis balls, considering they had never done it before.
After this we went back inside and Rory, Sam and Katie read the story of The Lion and the Mouse to the children. We then gave them some activities to do such as colouring in mice and lions and making bracelets with beads and string.
Finally we blew up balloons and blew bubbles for the children which they enjoyed very much before we had to say goodbye.
As a treat, Dodie then took us to Esuubi cafe where she kindly bought us all a drink and a snack. We also had the chance use some of our spending money to buy some gifts to take home. This money would all go to the orphanage that we had visited two days previously. Some of us also bought something for a new rule that had been introduced the night before which was known as 'a random act of kindness' to which we had to do to one of our peers that we had chosen out of a hat that morning.


text:
Cerco group
TM Bohrtechnik
Geoprobe®
Gertec pumps
Techniwell pumps
Movax vibrators
Eurodrill
Marini drilling mast
Second-hand-machines
Foundations, geotechnical, water drilling
Second hand accessories
Rotary head
CERCO can rely on 65 years of experience to face the future
Founded by René Peeters, Cerco initially carried out large-scale road infrastructure and civil engineering works in Congo…
After ten years of operating road-building machines, Cerco added drilling machines to its range of skills. The contract with the "Union Minière" for the extraction of Cobalt – for which 150 persons were employed – continued until 1963 and enabled Cerco to gain knowledge of a large part of the techniques involved in quarrying.
Following the events in Congo, Cerco engaged in laying bare quarries in Belgium. Our principal customer, the quarries of Quenast, became and remains the European leader in the sector with a total output of over 2.000.000 tons. Many other quarries have been uncovered afterwards using our equipment…
Growth reached its apogee, car ownership became widespread and Belgian motorways were developing at lightning speed, until the oil crisis struck…. We then called back our civil engineering equipment, which had been considerably modernized in 10 years, in order to carry out landscaping works on an appreciable number of motorways then under construction.
After 25 years of experience in the on-site operation of machines, we decided to use our detailed knowledge of the technical aspects of these powerful and precise machines. The mastery of mechanical power for construction purposes no longer held any secrets for our team and we decided to share our know-how with our customers. A "Purchase & Sales" department was set up with a specialization in dumper trucks (with initially a maximum capacity of 45 tons). Step by step, the department grew around a seamless team working in all sectors of large-scale users of this type of machine, namely: cement works, quarries and large companies involved in public works.
Cerco became the exclusive distributor of drilling equipment from Ingersoll-Rand, selling new and refurbishing second-hand equipment while keeping a close eye on the sector. Ingersoll Rand is the undisputed leader of drilling equipment…
Return to our previous activities with the creation of a new structure specialized in quarry work. Founded under the name Swalmec, this new company proposes rental machinery and specialized on-site teams: laying bare, drilling, mining, loading, transport, crushing, all aspects of quarrying are dealt with for the customer's benefit. For more information, please consult www.swalmec.be.
Creation of Cefor, an on-site specialist of drilling works in quarries.
Renovation of our buildings (offices and workshops)
Following the acquisition of Ingersoll Rand by Atlas Copco, Cerco decides to partner with Sandvik and becomes their distributor for drilling equipment: purchase, sales and maintenance of new and second hand equipment for the Benelux.
Cerco further diversifies its drilling operations by taking over Geoprobe® Environmental Technologies, a company specialized in the sales and service of probing machines and tools from Geoprobe®.
Based in the United States, Geoprobe® develops and manufactures equipment that is mainly intended for the environmental and geotechnical industries in order to collect soil, soil gas and groundwater samples, to detect the presence of contaminants, to optimize remedial actions, and to assess their efficiency.
For more information see www.geoprobe.be.
For over 60 years, Cerco controls mechanical power for construction purposes. Today, as specialists in the trade of new and second-hand equipment and as agent of different renowned brands, Cerco is proud to say that it has made the most of its long and varied experience for the benefit of its customers…
Copyright Cerco S.A./N.V.


Mla research paper outline sample, jung, c.
London, Viking, Did I avoid using contractions? Full sentences means that each point of your outline would be a full sentence that could be included in your final paper.
This method will enable you to quickly put all your resources geneva convention research paper the right place as you organize your notes according to your outline.
The discrepancies are confusing and I suggest correcting this. The Sydney Morning Herald, 25 Oct. Four main factors have been determined possible characteristics of any successful fictional work: Arrange the sources alphabetically by title. MLA follows specific guidelines for how to format the labels and notes for these.
This was really helpful for my final paper in one of my classes. Otherwise the site was very helpful. Abrams, List of Works Cited An MLA works cited list appears at the end of your paper and must include all sources referenced in the text.
Algebra 2 homework practice workbook answers hydraulic hybrid vehicle research paper business plan for toy manufacturing reflective essay pharmacist cover letter when sending cv by email help with essay for free curriculum vitae efficace esempio.
Re-read your paper for grammatical errors. Did I use third person as much as possible? Referencing As you can see in the presented MLA format essay example, it is necessary to use certain system of citation in MLA format essays.
Did I follow my outline? In essay format MLA, you should put the name of the author and the number of the cited page after the sentence.
This is the most important stage in writing a research paper. Begin with a strong argument, then use a stronger one, and end with the strongest argument for your final point. Do not include any information that is not relevant to your topic, and do not include information that you do not understand.
Do a spell check. Arrange and rearrange ideas to follow your outline. Borroff, Marie.
My final project is a page research paper, to be done in MLA style. Concluding statement The purpose of an mla research paper outline sample is to help you think through your topic carefully and organize it logically before you start writing.
Verbal Artistry in Frost, Stevens, and Moore. Accessed 2 Jun. A new Verse Translation.
Contents include: The unusual symbol will make it easy for you to find the exact location again.


Have an out-of-date or dingy upholstered chair seat that's seen one too many spills? Our DIY Re-Cover Chair Cushions video shows you how to easily re-cover dingy chair cushions — or just give them an updated look. Most chair cushions can be re-covered in just minutes and our video shows how to get nice, crisp, professional-looking corners, too — without sewing a stitch! Plus, we'll show you some great fabric options that are spill-resistant, kid-friendly, and generally ideal choices for busy homes and lifestyles.
Step 7: Reattach newly-covered cushion to chair – and Enjoy!


Rodolfo and Beatriz are the parents of teenagers Jessica and Juan. Together they form a perfect dysfunctional family. Rodolfo leaves for work every morning, but actually he's unemployed. Beatriz, worrying that she is looking older, has a flirtation with her buff gym trainer. Jessica finds herself in a love triangle with her boyfriend and her best friend. And, Juan's girlfriend has a little surprise for him. This is the life of an ordinary middle-class family in Tijuana. While living under the same roof, they scurry about their days, trying to hide their secrets from one another. A fresh, clever and humorous portrait of a modern family unit.
Rodolfo y Beatriz son padres de dos jóvenes: Jessica y Juan, juntos forman una perfecta familia disfuncional. Rodolfo sale todos los días como si fuera al trabajo, pero en realidad está desempleado. Beatriz, quien se encuentra en medio de una crisis existencial por su edad, es seducida en el gimnasio. Jessica juega a un triángulo amoroso entre su novio y su mejor amiga. Y Juan, se entera que será papá. Una familia común mexicana en la que cada uno esconde sus propios secretos, a pesar de vivir bajo el mismo techo.
Gilberto González (b. 1983, Tijuana, Mexico) has worked as an editor for different films. His short film Conversaciones de un matrimonio was nominated at the Mexican Academy Awards. The Hamsters is his first feature-length film as a director and has been selected in over 15 film festivals around the world.
© The Vancouver Latin American Film Festival Society. All rights reserved.


thunder gun impact wrench rand 1 2 inch super duty air impact wrench thunder gun free air hose nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench image 1 nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench basic 1 2 inch air impact wrench ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench rand 1 2 inch super duty air impact wrench thunder gun ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench pit crew titans screenshot ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench open in the to the mobile website nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench rand thunder gun street legal 1 a impact gun with nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench jet 3 4 impact wrench ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench 1 2 in air impact wrench nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench buy rand 2 1 air impact wrench gun tool extended anvil in cheap price on ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench 1 2 angle impact wrench ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench rand 1 2 inch super duty air impact wrench thunder gun nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench air impact wrench 1 ext anvil nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench rand ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench impact wrench review rand thunder gun the tool boxes of the section the kind that hold tools guys rand thunder ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench 1 2 inch drive air impact wrench ft lbs nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench the rand is the weapon of choice for all tire changers show caption hide caption ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench impact wrench nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench 1 2 inch drive standard air impact wrench ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench tap to expand nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench rand heavy duty air nibbler ingersoll rand thunder gun air impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench nascar thunder gun impact wrench.
thunder gun impact wrench rand 1 2 quiet air impact wrench nascar thunder gun impact wrench.


text:
AD Universidad de Oviedo is the women's basketball team of the University of Oviedo. Is based in Oviedo and plays in Liga Femenina 2. The men's team (1971-2012) was based in Mieres.

In other time, the team was known as Club Atlético Universitario (CAU).

Season by season

References and notes

External links
Profile at Asturcesto
Men's basketball team on FEB.es

Sport in Oviedo
University of Oviedo
Basketball teams in Asturias
Women's basketball teams in Spain
Basketball teams established in 1982
1982 establishments in Spain

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaWikipedia


New Assessments have been updated to our Property Locator.
Property Tax Freeze Credit questions: 518-453-8146.
Our office staff is trained to assist the public with general data, valuation and equity questions, exemptions and grievances. We are available to aid the public in any way possible.
Determine and maintain assessments, property inventory records, ownership and exemptions on approximately 13,500 parcels.
Locate all taxable Real Property in our town and identify the ownership of each. Establish a taxable value for all Real Property subject to taxation. List the values of all property on the Assessment Roll.
Assist taxpayers with completing their exemption applications and determine their eligibility.
Examples: Senior Citizen, Alternative Veteran, Basic STAR, Enhanced STAR, Disability, Business, Clergy, Agricultural, Non-Profit, etc. Please see the Forms section of this page for instructions and applications.
The Assessor is available throughout the year to discuss assessment related topics.
The Town of Queensbury's Assessors' Office annually processes 10,667 property tax exemptions. Renewal applications are mailed in the fall every year for return by March 1st. Due to the large volume of exemption forms mailed to property owners that require return, review and in many cases necessitate follow-up phone calls, we firmly adhere to the State legislated March 1st exemption deadline for ALL exemption applications. As a public service we attempt to send second notices and even call as many people as we can to remind them that the exemptions are due, but staffing and time constraints limit our opportunity to reach everyone.
March 1 (Taxable Status Date) – deadline for all exemptions to be filed with the Assessor. Property improvements & condition, as of this date, will be the basis for the coming assessment cycle.
May 1st Tentative Assessment Roll is filed containing all values and exemptions for the tax year. Change of assessment notices are mailed this week.
4th Tuesday in May (Grievance Day) – Board of Assessment Review meets to hear all complaints regarding assessments.
July 1st Final Assessment Roll filed. Town, County and School taxes are based on this roll's information.
Information for specific properties located in the Town of Queensbury can be accessed through our property query.


text:
Home›College and University Profiles›Cal State Dominguez Hills Admissions: Everything You Want to and Need to Know
Cal State Dominguez Hills Admissions: Everything You Want to and Need to Know
Overview of Cal State Dominguez Hills
Situated in Carson, California, Cal State Dominguez Hills' 346-acre campus sits within minutes of downtown Los Angeles and the Pacific Ocean. The institution offers 45 bachelor's and 24 master's degree programs. Students are backed by a robust student/faculty ratio, and professors take a personalized approach to the teaching and learning process. Outside of the classroom, students will find plenty of opportunities to engage with the campus community via the university's many clubs and organizations. The CSUDH Toros play in the NCAA Division II California Collegiate Athletic Association.
Total Enrollment: 15,741 (13,737 undergraduates)
Gender Breakdown: 37 percent male/63 percent female
77 percent full-time
Books: $1,900
Percentage of Students Receiving Aid: 94 percent
Percentage of Students Receiving Types of Aid
Grants: 92 percent
Loans: 21 percent
Most Popular Degree options: Business, Management, Marketing, and Related Support Services; Psychology; Health Professions and Related Programs; Social Sciences; and Homeland Security, Law Enforcement, Firefighting and Related Protective Services
First-Year Student Retention (full-time students): 78 percent
Transfer Out Rate: 4 percent
4-Year Graduation Rate: 10 percent
Men's Sports: Golf, Baseball, Basketball, Soccer, Track & Field
Women's Sports: Track & Field, Softball, Soccer, Basketball, Volleyball
Overview of Cal State Dominguez Hills Admissions
Dominguez Hills has moderately selective admissions with an acceptance rate of 54 percent. Many admitted students have a "B" or higher GPA in high school. The institution is test-optional, meaning that students can choose whether or not to submit scores from the SAT or ACT. This institution has a robust admissions process that involves a multitude of academic measures. A persuasive essay and glowing recommendation letters can bolster your application, along with being involved with student organizations and attempting a challenging course load. Students with unique talents and accomplishments can still receive strong consideration even if their GPAs are outside of the admissions offices mean range. After applying, students will receive a message from an admissions counselor about the next steps of the application process. Interested students should check out the university's website, which has helpful tips and contact information for the admissions offices.
Cal State Dominguez Hill Acceptance Rate: 54 percent
ACT Math:
If past admission data predicts that you would be a competitive candidate for Cal State Dominguez Hill, then it should be easy for you to gain admissions to the schools below. If Cal State Dominguez Hill is currently out of your reach, then you are sure to be a competitive candidate for the schools below.
If you're a competitive candidate for Cal State Dominguez Hill, then you should have an equal chance of gaining admissions at these schools.
Finlandia University, Sul Ross State University, Texas Southern University, Bennett College, Johnson C. Smith University, Cheyney University of Pennsylvania, Lincoln University
These schools are more challenging to gain admission into than Cal State Dominguez Hill. If you improve your GPA and SAT/ACT scores, then you'll be a competitive candidate for these schools.
Applying to Cal State Dominguez Hill
https://www.csudh.edu/future-students/more-info/undergrad-majors-programs/
Undergraduate Application Link(s):
https://www2.calstate.edu/attend/freshman/Pages/applying-to-the-csu.aspx
https://www.csudh.edu/gsr/graduate-studies/degree-programs/
Graduate Application Link(s):
https://www.csudh.edu/gsr/graduate-studies/graduation/how-to-apply/
Butler University Admissions: Everything You Want to ...
Cal State East Bay Admissions: Everything You ...
DiversityHigher Education
What Should We be Teaching Minority High School Students about College?
EquityHigher EducationMatthew Lynch
Diverse Conversations: College Life, Military Veterans, and Mental Illness
Improving College Diversity in 2018
Bradley University Admissions: Everything You Want to and Need to Know
Arkansas State University Admissions: Everything You Want to and Need to Know
Diverse Conversations: Let's Talk About Financial Aid


It's normal to feel rather ambivalent about the prospect of getting older (unless you're very young, of course). But for some people the idea of hitting a certain specific age, or of impending physical difficulties can be so overwhelming that it's hard to enjoy life to the full.
The Accept Your Age Hypnosis Script from The Script Collection was created to provide a way for anyone who's feeling stressed about their current or future age to come to terms with their life's journey and make the most of what they have.
The pretalk explores the different aspects of aging and how we respond to it at different times in our lives. Practical suggestions are offered for leading a healthy life, and the benefits of being older are highlighted. Openness to change is the real key, and hypnosis is a great way to develop more openness to what life brings.
A gently relaxing induction prepares the client to make significant changes at a very deep level as they identify and connect with the key aims they have for the session.
The trancework guides the client through a metaphorical process that allows them to respect everything within themselves and all their feelings about what is happening or will happen to them. From this self-acceptance they can move towards a new welcoming approach to the adventure of life, drawing on powerful inner resources to help them on their way.
Future orientation allows the client to get a strong sense of what life will be like when lived within this new framework so that it no longer feels scary to engage with it.
This script will ensure that the new paradigm soon becomes firmly established and fully integrated, allowing the client to get on with enjoying life.
Add the Accept Your Age Hypnosis Script to your script library today!
Accept Your Age is also available as an MP3 download.


text:
Nirim (, lit. Meadows) is a kibbutz in the northwestern Negev in Israel. Located near the border with the Gaza Strip, about 7 kilometers east of Khan Yunis, it falls under the jurisdiction of Eshkol Regional Council. In  it had a population of .

History
The kibbutz was established in June 1946 as part of the 11 points in the Negev plan aimed at establishing a Jewish presence in the Negev in order to claim it as part of a future Jewish state. It was named after the Nir brigade of the Hashomer Hatzair youth movement, some of whose members helped establish the kibbutz, and was originally established on a site called "Dangour", where kibbutz Sufa is now. One of the founders was Dan Zur, who became one of Israel's leading landscape architects.

At the outbreak of the 1948 Arab–Israeli War on 15 May 1948, the kibbutz was first Jewish settlement in Israel to be attacked by the Egyptian army, in the Battle of Nirim. It had 39 defenders. During the battle, the Egyptians came within 25 meters of the kibbutz perimeter and eight of the kibbutz defenders were killed, before Egyptians withdrew. All of the houses were destroyed in the attack.

Nirim remained an Israel Defense Forces (IDF) outpost against the Egyptian army throughout the war. After the war, the IDF wanted the site because of its strategic location, while the kibbutzniks wanted to move north, to the line of 200 millimeters of rain a year, so the kibbutz moved some 15 kilometers northeast to its present location, next to the site of an ancient synagogue at Horvat Maon.

During the Mapam split of 1952, Moshe Sneh's supporters were banished from the kibbutz. Until 1956, it was targeted by Fedayeen attacks from the Gaza Strip.

Since 2000, Nirim has been hit by Qassam rockets fired from the Gaza Strip.  After Israel's launching of Operation Cast Lead, in January 2009, most of Nirim's members, as well as other villages near the Gaza Strip, were evacuated. Dozens of families from Nirim stayed at kibbutz Mishmar HaEmek in the Jezreel Valley for a month, until the end of the operation. On August 26, 2014, on the last day of Operation Protective Edge, the head of security, Ze'ev "Ze'evik" Etzion and the assistant head of security Shachar Melamed, were killed in a rocket attack. They were both working with a team of electricians and other kibbutz members, attempting to reinstate the electricity to the community after the high voltage tower that supplied electricity to the whole kibbutz was hit by a rocket earlier the same day. The same rocket attack that killed Ze'evik and Shachar, blew off the legs of Gadi Yarkoni, who has since been elected mayor of the Eshkol Regional Council, and currently serving his second term.

Economy
Nirim produces organically grown peanuts, sweet potatoes, turnips, carrots, wheat, barley, avocado and  other vegetables, and exports them to Europe. The farmers work the land right up to the Gaza Strip barrier. After Israel's disengagement from Gaza in 2005, the Defense Ministry decided to construct a security strip in the area surrounding Gaza, which was to run through Nirim agricultural territory. Nirim was asked to concede NIS 1 million of its compensation funds.

References

External links

Official website

Kibbutzim
Kibbutz Movement
Populated places established in 1946
Gaza envelope
Populated places in Southern District (Israel)
1946 establishments in Mandatory Palestine


text:
Bitmunk BuyMusic Emusic GreatIndieMusic GroupieTunes PassAlong QtrNote Tradebit Audio Lunchbox MusicIsHere PayPlay Apple iTunes
United States - Oregon
Folk: Modern Folk Folk: Singer/Songwriter Moods: Type: Acoustic
Choose 3 or more different CDs from our Sale Bin and get each CD for just $5. Each CD will be listed at full price until you place at least 3 different eligible CDs into your shopping cart. You can get 3 or more CDs for $5 each, so sample as much new music as you want!
NOTE: Download purchases are not eligible for the $5 sale.
Find more eligible titles here.
by Beth Hamon
© Copyright - Beth Hamon / Beth Hamon (634479745829)
Beth's refreshingly lo-fi sound combines liturgical Hebrew and original English texts with a contemporary folk-grass-roots feel. NOT your typical synagogue worship music.
Genre: Folk: Modern Folk
1. City Of Love/Ahavat Olam
2. Rom'mu
3. Yih'yu L'Ratzon
4. Mi Chamocha
5. Hashkiveynu
6. Lamps Of Peace
7. Maoz Tzur
8. Adon Olam
9. Hard Times Come Again No More
10. May God Bless
Sept 2012 Update! The title song from this album, "City of Love/Ahavat Olam", has just been selected as a finalist to be performed at the 5th Shalshelet Festival for New Jewish Music, being held in February 2013 in Miami.
The daughter of nightclub musicians, Beth Hamon is a bicycle riding, autodidactic singer-songwriter whose original material straddles the fuzzy line between Jewish and secular themes of social justice and peace. She serves as a youth and family songleader and religious school instructor at Congregation Beth Israel in Portland, Oregon and is also a music-leader at Havurah Shalom in Portland.
When not teaching, performing or writing songs, Beth can be found plying her other trade as a bicycle mechanic. She is also a visual artist whose folk-art Judaica (made from recycled bicycle components) is in the permanent collection of the Yeshiva University Museum in New York.
Beth serves Jewish congregations and camps as an artist-in-residence; is a repeat performer at the Northwest Folklife Festival in Seattle; and performs regularly in coffeehouses and pubs in the Portland/Vancouver area. Her music enjoys airplay on multiple online and radio sources including Butterflies Radio.com and WISA's Kol Isha program which showcases Jewish music by women artists. Beth holds a B. A. from Portland State University and has over twenty-five years of teaching experience in the fields of high school instrumental music, Judaic Studies and Hebrew. She is a member of the Women Cantors' Network and the Guild of Temple Musicians. Beth has released the self-produced CD, City of Love and is at work on a second CD of original Jewish folk/roots music.
"There's nothing else like it! It's bright acoustic pop and folk, performed with hearty, honest joy."
--Tom Petersen, Victory Review Magazine
"Very melodic! Beth Hamon takes a fresh, hip approach to contemporary Jewish music."
--Cantor Wally Schachet-Briskin
"...with melodies that make you want to sing."
--Sari Peterson, CD Baby
Lisa Baydush
I LOVE Beth's music! Her melodies are wonderful, her guitar-playing is exciting and fresh, and her lyrics are beautiful! My favorites on this cd are "Mi Chamocha" and "Lamps of Peace." I've listened to Beth's cd nearly every day... it's a must-buy!
Malcolm G Hamon
Sounds wonderful
The sound of this CD was fantastic. I could listen to it for a long time.
Shandra Bauer
This is a great cd. Beth really makes some of the traditional Hebrew prayers her own, and yet they sound comfortable in the synagogue service, too - as if they've always been there, just waiting to be heard. Extremely enjoyable!
Diane Parker
Very spiritual and relaxing.
I was so taken by Beth's fresh voice and the sound of her guitar that I bought the CD for myself and another for my mother for Mother's Day. We both love it! Beth's rendition of the Hashkiveynu is almost haunting. Definitely a must buy.
Barbara Seidman
A very pleasant surprise!
I'm enjoying this CD very much...the guitar playing is wonderful. Very singable melodies to prayers we know well and several inspiring original pieces. I great find!
Fran Schwartz
Lively, upbeat, soul restoring
Very rhythmic, great to sing along with and harmonize. Beth's guitar playing is outstanding. Her original melodies are beautifully married to the Hebrew words. This is a CD to enjoy over and over again.
Sari Peterson
Great music, timely and timeless lyrics that will appeal to all!
Beth's songs transcend religious boundaries offering something for both Jewish and non-Jewish listeners. Her lyrics are moving and thought provoking. With melodies that make you want to sing, the music ranges from traditional to contemporary and is always engaging. Bound to be a CD that gets worn out from being played over and over!
D. Guillaume
I enjoyed the guitar playing immensely, but was disappointed in the quality of the recording of the vocals. There are a couple of songs which I would want to learn to play and sing, which is a measure of the success of any cd. I look forward to hearing more.


You don't always need to have pocketfuls of cash to get your wanderlust kicks. With the emergence of budget airlines, comparison websites and companies eager to get your money, there are a ridiculous number of deals to be had. You don't even have to consider scrimping, saving and succumbing to dorm-like rooms in hostels to travel on a shoestring budget. If you know where to look, and how to plan effectively, you can travel well on a budget by following these three easy steps.
Before you hotfoot it overseas, you need to be responsible and get your finances back into the black. Head online and compare the best guarantor loans to allow you to consolidate all of your debts into one monthly payment. This allows you to simplify your finances, set yourself a manageable monthly budget, stick to it and start saving for your travel adventures.
Consider where you fancy hot-footing it to, and start planning straight away. The longer you have to plan, the more money you can save. If you know that the peak season for a particular destination is May to September, think about venturing there offseason. It'll be cheaper, less crowded and you might find it easier to get into tourist sites and landmarks. Sought after restaurants will have fewer diners on their waiting list, and you will be able to enjoy a more chilled out travel experience.
If you have a brood in tow, you may need to venture overseas during school holidays, when flight companies put a premium price tag on tickets. While this is unfair, there is very little you can do about it if you are heading to a typical kid-friendly resort. However, if you choose a destination like Japan, Canada or Brazil, that is less family orientated, there are deals to be had.
By booking your accommodation early through a specialist hotel booking website, you can reserve a room without paying, and you can cancel at late notice. If you're willing to take the risk, an Airbnb property could be perfect, cost you a fraction of the cost of a hotel, and you have an entire property to yourself.
When you are finally sorting out flight schedules, train tickets and excursion bookings, consider opting for less busy times. Fly in the early hours of the morning, don't venture to touristy sites at the weekends and book your train tickets early. Yes, things might be a little more awkward, jet lag may become your nemesis, and the trains you select might not be the most direct, but they will be cheap. You can still travel well, in a timely manner, and reach the destination you want to explore.
Travel in the twenty-first century has made the world a whole lot smaller and infinitely cheaper. There are always deals to be had, so start planning early, seek out the best deals on comparison sites, travel off season and seek out free activities. Follow this guide, and you can travel well on a budget.