 What didn't Feetch discover?
Here's why you should ask for a "Feetch M-D" next time you get a can opener! [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Worlds of If Science Fiction, August 1958. "Feetch!" grated Ogden Piltdon, president of the Piltdon Opener Company, slamming the drafting board with his hairy fist, "I want results!" "But Mr. Piltdon," remonstrated Feetch unsteadily under his employer's glare, "don't you remember? It has dignity...." "Dignity," pronounced Piltdon, "is for museums. Four months, Feetch! I want it completely developed, engineered and tooled-up, ready for production. Otherwise, Feetch—" Feetch's body twitched. Four months, Feetch, no more!" A designer had to dream at his board, investigate, search, build, test, compare, discard. He had always wanted to devote all his time to research, but Piltdon Opener had not given him that opportunity. What had happened, to the proud dream he once had, the dream of exploring uncharted engineering regions, of unlimited time to investigate and develop? Ah, well, thought Feetch straightening his thin shoulders, he had managed somehow to design a few good things during his twenty-five years with Piltdon. Well, he had to start— "Chief," said Hanson a few weeks later as they entered the lab, "I'm beginning to wonder if the answer is in the hand mechanical type at all." "Got to be," answered Feetch tiredly. Departures, such as the thermal or motor-driven types, would be too expensive for mass production." They began testing, Hanson operating the openers and Feetch clocking. "Four point four," announced Feetch after the last test. Twenty-five years of your life you put in with Piltdon, and he'd fire you just like that if you don't do the impossible. The Piltdon Company is built upon your designs and you get handed this deal!" "Well, well," said Feetch. Piltdon is a household word, but who has heard of Feetch? Eleven experimental models designed to date. Nine completed and tested, two in work. "Hello," said Feetch as an aproned machinist entered carrying a glistening mechanism. "Yes," said Feetch. "Spinach, I think," said Feetch. "Dear, dear," said Feetch, regarding the piles of food on the bench. What motions can we plot in the area of disappearance and what are their analytical mathematical formulae?
 The fastest-opening can opener
 Where the cans were going  The fastest-opening can opener  Multiple different universes  How to make the cans disappear safely