For many of us, Christmas is a time when we’re forced to leave our cosseted liberal-elite filter bubble of identity politics and small-batch quinoa snackpots and plunge back into the dark heart of Brexit. Spending time with your family – especially when your family doesn’t share your progressive values – can be excruciating at the best of times. But it’s going to be far worse this year, because this year they won.  There are four ways that you can face this onslaught: with a) militant counter-arguments, b) gentle persuasion, c) desperate attempts to find common ground and d) outrageous personal insults. Here are the topics most likely to crop up this year, along with all your potential responses.  a) “Donald Trump has insulted women, Mexicans and the disabled, and all signs point to him being ruinous for western democracy.”b) “Don’t forget that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote, so his mandate isn’t as great as you think.”c) “I’ll admit that his victory is in keeping with a growing mistrust of the political status quo; I was rooting for Bernie.”d) “Well, you would say that, you dimwitted oaf.”  a) “He won four Brit Awards, two Grammys, an Ivor Novello award, sold 140m records and is widely regarded as one of the most influential recording artists of all time.”b) “Oh, come on, I’ve been in the car with you while you were singing along to Jean Genie.”c) “You know who I miss most? Paul Daniels. Now there was an entertainer with mainstream appeal.”d) “Oh yeah? Well, I never really understood why Mum ever had sex with you.”  a) “The leaders of the leave movement were a former Times columnist with strong links to Rupert Murdoch, a man who went to the same school as PG Wodehouse and someone called Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. You would be hard pushed to find a more elitist crowd.”b) “Please tell me one thing that’s genuinely changed for the better since the Brexit vote.”c) “I’m not happy about the referendum result, but I guess that’s democracy for you.”d) “You’re just upset because you think quinoa is a type of Nissan.”  a) “Does he? He has stood for election as an MP seven times, and lost seven times. He hijacked the leave campaign despite being officially sidelined, and all but ambushed Donald Trump to further his own grimy career. The man is a rat.”b) “Really? Remember that anti-migrant poster he unveiled during the referendum? That seemed especially unpleasant.”c) “I’ll agree that the moustache he grew was quite funny.”d) “I can’t wait for you to die.”  a) “The latest migration report from the Office for National Statistics shows that applications for asylum in the UK are almost half of what they were 14 years ago. Your paranoia is the result of a decades-long fearmongering campaign by the rightwing press.”b) “With the greatest respect, one Nepalese family moving into a house three streets down doesn’t constitute a lot of immigration.”c) “Yes, but look at how much better the restaurants have got.”d) “Pipe down, you racist tit.”  a) “Clearly, that isn’t the argument. This is a movement aimed singularly at a judicial system that’s statistically weighted against black people. What you’re doing is the equivalent of pulling up outside a food bank in a Lexus and whining because nobody is giving you any free baked beans.”b) “Surely, you can understand the outrage that many felt after George Zimmerman’s acquittal?”c) “You know what else matters? Stuffing. What a delicious meal this is.”d) “Yours doesn’t, you absolute spanner.”  a) “One, Harambe was an ape and not a monkey. Two, his shooting raises a number of important questions about the nature of keeping animals in captivity that we would be stupid to ignore at this juncture.”b) “Of course it makes sense. Zookeepers had to decide between killing a gorilla or potentially allowing it to harm a child. That’s a huge choice.”c) “People should concentrate on the bigger issues, such as Trump and Farage and ... actually, never mind.”d) “I wish you would go to Cincinnati so someone could shoot you, you obnoxious tool.”  a) “Really? According to Nasa, the six-month period from January to June 2016 was the warmest half-year on record. Plus, the Arctic sea-ice extent is now 40% smaller than it was 40 years ago. The Earth is undeniably getting warmer.”b) “That simply isn’t true. You know that outbreak of fungus on your pear tree? The Royal Horticultural Society believes the upsurge of the disease could be linked to climate change.”c) “Hey, I’m all for anything that lets me wear shorts more often.”d) “Then this must all be down to the hot air you spout, you flatulent gasbag.”  a) “Did we lose? As well as Hillary Clinton gaining more than 2m more votes than Donald Trump, 62.5% of the British electorate did not vote to leave the EU. Your victories are products of imperfect systems and nothing more.”b) “The right to freedom of expression is a core foundation of every democratic society. If the results had been reversed, you would want to complain about it, too.”c) “Win or lose, aren’t we all just people? Aren’t the relationships we have with one another more important than the broad and temporary sweep of international politics? Surely what matters more than anything is our ability to accept each other’s superficial differences.”d) “I hate you, I hate Christmas and I’m pleased that Auntie June left you for her watercolour tutor.”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, struggling to eat sprouts while spouting ONS immigration figures to defeat an undiplomatic uncle. Here’s how to have the last word