Interviews with more than a dozen families and travel experts also seem to suggest that regardless of the final choices, a new set of internal checks and balances has emerged. People are weighing a trip's merits against its emotional cost. More conditions must now be met.  Some who can afford it are chartering private planes; others are splitting up on different flights, or driving. Some want to stay in the United States, even if that means Hawaii. Others feel better about crossing borders if it means Canada.  More than a few families are choosing remote places, figuring they make unlikely terrorist targets, or are picking spots close to home, in case they need to shorten their vacations. It seems no one wants to be stranded far from the familiar or feel guilty for staying home.  ''People are changing their plans,'' said Stanley Rhodes, a travel agent at Linden Travel in New York, ''but I can't find a consistent pattern. If anything, people just want a comforting place, somewhere with blue skies and healing.''  Airlines and hotels are trying to gauge how and where families will travel in the next few months. So far, their assessments differ greatly.  The airline industry is still reeling from the attack's aftermath, and as of the first week of October, few in the business had started tracking reservations for the holidays, said Cindy Kurczewski, a spokeswoman for Delta Airlines. Many families typically firm up their plans in October, she added.  ''Right now, we're more focused on keeping afloat day to day,'' Ms. Kurczewski said. ''We're not thinking Thanksgiving yet.''  The situation was similar at United Airlines, and Chris Brown, a spokesman, said United could not yet release reservation figures for November or December.  Hotels with elaborate holiday programs are closely watching their reservations, and several owners say bookings are holding steady. Openings are few and scattered at perennial family holiday destinations like Colonial Williamsburg in Virgina, the Greenbrier in White Sulphur Springs, W.Va., the Woodstock Inn in Vermont, the Arizona Inn in Tucson, and the Cloister in Sea Island, Ga.  Rooms are also scarce at some resorts in the Bahamas, said Mr. Rhodes, the travel agent. But most Caribbean bookings are for the January-through-March period, he said.  Many places that rely heavily on regional drive-in business, like Williamsburg and Woodstock, say such business has increased in recent weeks. Merry Tipton, a spokeswoman for the Cloister, said she had noticed a jump in visitors making the 11-hour drive from Washington. Few did so before Sept. 11, she said.  Even some faraway resorts like the luxurious Little Dix Bay on Virgin Gorda in the British Virgin Islands remain fully booked for the holidays. Immediately after the attack, the resort softened its cancellation policies and extended deadlines for Christmas deposits. About 10 families that had reserved one or more of the resort's 86 rooms canceled, said Julie Zirbel, a spokeswoman.  Those rooms have since been booked, but by couples rather than families with children, according to Ms. Zirbel. ''Some people didn't feel comfortable putting their entire families on one plane,'' she said, ''but our couples don't seem to have a problem traveling together.''  But while the industry scrambles to meet conflicting needs, families are left to decide where they feel safe enough to celebrate.  Sandy Tegnelia of Albuquerque, N.M., for example, spent two weeks talking with her husband, Jim, and their two children, Abby, 24, and Steven, 16, before deciding not to make Thanksgiving reservations at a resort in Cabo San Lucas in Baja California Sur, Mexico. It would have been their first trip to the resort, but she said they felt nervous about leaving the country, because of the possibility that airports could close again.  They also worried about the expense if they had to stay additional days. So, the Tegnelias are going to visit family in Orlando.  ''Anytime something happens, the borders get tight,'' she said. ''When they clamp down, people are sitting in cars for miles. That leaves flying, but what if we couldn't do that?  In Florida, she added, ''We have options.''  Peggy Anderson, a nonfiction writer living in Philadelphia, plans to spend a few days before Christmas with her sister in Banff, the ski resort in Alberta. Her sister is from Chicago and will take a separate flight, she said. The two will then continue on to Vancouver, British Columbia, to visit a cousin.  Ms. Anderson said her concerns had intensified since the fighting began overseas, but she has maintained her plans for now. Banff is isolated, and she likes that.  ''If I were flying overseas, or even to New York, over the holidays, I might think this was a time to stay home,'' she said. ''I just feel better about going west and north, for some reason.''  Some people are determined to travel despite a lingering sense of foreboding. Maryanne Boscarino, a Spanish teacher in Wethersfield, Conn., said her family usually travels during the holidays to see relatives. She said that she, her husband, Enzo, and son, Alessandro, 14, would fly to Fort Lauderdale for Christmas, as planned.  ''My friends and my parents keep saying, 'Please don't go' because they're worried,'' Mrs. Boscarino said. ''I know because I'm horrified, too, but I find I've gotten more resolve. I feel like telling them: 'Let's not be defeated. Let's go forward.' ''  Lynn Nicholas, a clinical psychologist from New York, is another frequent holiday traveler. She generally spends Thanksgiving with relatives, often in California, and New Year's at her vacation home in Colorado. After the attack, she changed none of her plans and has reassured herself that she will be safe when she flies to San Luis Obispo, for Thanksgiving. She and her husband have not yet decided whether to fly to Vail for New Year's.  There are moments, however, when Ms. Nicholas catches herself wishing she weren't flying across the country, wishing she could take small planes instead of a jet.  ''I have these fantasies,'' she said, ''where I'm watching to see who gets on the plane, but I know I won't. I can't be controlled by this. I just have to keep going.''  For people like Carmel McGill-Siegmund, a real estate developer in Jamestown, R.I., such anxieties are reminiscent of a childhood in which small acts of terrorism were commonplace. She was born near Londonderry, Northern Ireland.  Now she has a family of her own, one that usually stays home at holidays. After the World Trade Center disaster, though, she got angry and decided to make travel plans.  She and her husband and 8-year-old daughter are going to spend Thanksgiving with family in Fort Lauderdale and on Jupiter Island in Florida. She deliberately booked all three of them on the same flight.  ''I guess I'm a little more adjusted to terrorism, so fear be damned,'' she said. ''It doesn't bother me to stand in line and be checked. And if we go down, at least we go down together.''  ''I've even thought about getting my will in order,'' she continued, ''but all my beneficiaries will be with me on the plane. We decided none of us could bear to stay behind.''  But if concerns about traveling are greater this season, nostalgia for longstanding holiday traditions can be a comfort.  George Hause, a retired sound mixer who lives near San Francisco, has spent nearly every Christmas since 1934 at the Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite National Park. The hotel is famous for its annual Bracebridge Dinner, a medieval pageant, and tickets are sold by lottery. Even so, a few seats are always reserved for the Hause family.  This year, Mr. Hause told his family they could stay home. Still, all eight of them -- five generations -- are going. The decision was made easier, he said, because the trip is only a seven-hour drive, with wonderful views.  ''It's a family reunion, a tradition,'' Mr. Hause said. ''When we pull up, the doorman we've known for years gives us a hug. We feel like we built the place, so we couldn't consider for a minute not going. It's Christmas, and that goes beyond any fears.''
Kelly Crow travel article on polls and interviews with families and travel experts that suggest that people are weighing merits of holiday trips against emotional costs in wake of terrorist attacks; photos (M)