A good friend invited us to a dinner at a restaurant to celebrate his marriage. My friend noted that only close friends and family were included. After I accepted, my friend replied that he had money to put toward the bill, so it should be affordable. I was taken aback to be seemingly invited to a wedding dinner that I have to fund. Is this a trend? Am I off base to be annoyed?  Nope, you are squarely on that base. A blind umpire wouldn’t call you out.  There’s a subtle but crucial difference between inviting people to an event and alerting them to it. Inviting people to a dinner — especially in the context of a celebration, be it for wedding or promotion or birthday — implies that the host will pay. Period. If the intent is for friends to gather together, with invitees picking up their own tab, the announcement is more properly phrased as “We’re going to Chez Fancypants [or House Modesto] if you’d like to join us.”  There’s nothing wrong with that kind of Dutch treat celebration if your social circle has limited means. I’m not picking up that whiff of impecunious ramen from your letter, however. If your friend couldn’t afford to subsidize dinner at, say, a four-star restaurant, he or she should have chosen a more affordable venue — especially for what was billed as an intimate group. It’s better to provide a modest party than to charge your friends to attend a lavish one.  (We can’t blame the interwebs, but in general, rudeness and miscommunication on both sides — tab-evading inviters and non-RSVPing invitees — can be exacerbated by social media that collapse passive and active invitations. “I’m going to see this band on Friday, come if you want” is not the same as “Can you come to a dinner party at my house on Friday?” though that distinction isn’t easy to make on Facebook.)  I do at least have to give your friend credit for setting your expectations up front. Dip your toe into the time-sucking quicksand of etiquette blogs and you’ll read horror stories galore of invited guests being presented with surprise bills. Forewarned is forearmed, dear readers: Don’t attend a party at a public venue without either your credit card or a high tolerance for awkward confrontations.  As we move into wedding season — and graduation and Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and cookout season — it’s important to remember that invitations are not commands. We should, as much as possible, try to celebrate important life events with people we love and be good sports when their tastes differ from our own. But if an invitation offends your sensibilities in some way — because you hardly know your co-worker’s kid and don’t want to go to her “dorm shower,” because pigs are intelligent animals that should not be roasted at luaus — then gracefully decline. (This is one of the reasons that it’s good to get in the habit of not compulsively offering excuses for why you can’t attend things. Sooner or later there will be invitations that you want to decline without explaining why.) But don’t show up and then be a resentful buzzkill about the activities. That’s not fair to the other guests.  Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
You accept a request to help celebrate a wedding, then find out you’re expected to help pay for it. What gives?