Some movies keep you in a state of suspense. “Zoolander 2,” a dud glitter-bomb of a sequel, eventually leaves you in a state of suspended animation, with eyes glazed over and brain in sleep mode. Ben Stiller is back as Derek Zoolander, the pursed-lipped, squint-eyed male model who makes an art of self-involvement, even though he has no self to speak of. But the film has no plot to speak of, so it opts for celebrity cameos separated by semblances of a story that could have been churned out by HAL, the computer in “2001: A Space Odyssey,” during the machine’s final descent into incoherence.  Spotting celebrities can be a game worth playing, up to a point. The first of many cameo appearances in “Zoolander,” the 2001 original, was turned in by no less an omnipresence than Donald Trump, who told an interviewer, “Look, without Derek Zoolander male modeling wouldn’t be what it is today.” Now, more than 14 years later, it’s fun, for a while, to wonder: Was that Willie Nelson? (Yes.) Benedict Cumberbatch? (Yes.) Marc Jacobs? (Yes, together with an orange mocha Frappuccino.) Sting? (Yes, that’s why it said “Sting” on the screen.) Anna Wintour? (Yes, and her one-line performance suggests strongly that she should stay with Condé Nast.) Bill Clinton? (No, he can’t be everywhere.) Neil deGrasse Tyson? (Yes, people still come when Hollywood beckons.)  Justin Bieber shows up too, though his appearance, in the opening sequence, qualifies less as a cameo than as the loosely wound mainspring of the narrative, which involves the mysterious deaths of top pop and rock stars—including Mr. Bieber and Bruce Springsteen—and brings Derek out of his self-imposed retirement in the snowy Alpine vastness of “extreme Northern New Jersey.” Most of the action plays out in Rome, where Derek, once the toast of the fashion world, discovers that he’s out of fashion; where he finds his long-lost son and rejects the poor kid because he’s fat; where he encounters, yet again, his runway rival Hansel (Owen Wilson), and his nemesis, Mugatu (Will Ferrell); and where Penélope Cruz, as an Interpol cop on the fashion beat, manages to lift the movie’s leaden spirit with her bright smile and charmingly out-of-context sincerity.  When “Zoolander” opened in 2001, only 17 days had passed since 9/11, and the nation wasn’t ready for silly nonsense. Gradually, though, the movie found its audience, because its nonsense was sweet-spirited, unpretentious and genuinely fresh. “Zoolander 2” will find an audience too—its fractured frenzy may prove a good fit with our chaotic times—but that doesn’t make the spectacle any less dispiriting (or deafening, since the dim-bulb dialogue as well as the herky-jerky action is accompanied by a mock-momentous score that operates at a steady three-digit decibel level). For the record, Mr. Stiller directed from a script he wrote with Justin Theroux, Nicholas Stoller and John Hamburg. Theodore Shapiro perpetrated the music, presumably under duress.  Ben Stiller is Mel Coplin, the hero of David O. Russell’s sensationally funny second feature. Mel is adopted, and has always wondered who his real parents are. He’s also married, with a 4-month-old baby boy. But he and his wife, Nancy ( Patricia Arquette), haven’t yet agreed on a name for their son because fatherhood has plunged Mel into an identity crisis that can be cured only by finding his roots.  Write to Joe Morgenstern at joe.morgenstern@wsj.com
Derek Zoolander, Hansel and Mugatu return in this cameo-dense sequel; starring Will Ferrell, Penélope Cruz, Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller