My little green car has gone under the sofa and Mummy won’t get it. I’m so upset I believe I will now turn into an S&M control freak later in life.  I wake up in a cold sweat. I can’t get away from that recurring dream where I’m rewriting the same book as before. The thought of the pain on readers’ faces when they realise just how badly they’ve been screwed makes my enormous cock harden.  I shower and think about my enormous cock. I then get dressed while thinking about my enormous cock. I drive to work thinking about my enormous cock. As CEO of one of the world’s richest companies that does absolutely nothing, I sit in my penthouse office thinking about my enormous ivory tower.  The phone rings. “Your appointment is here,” my PA says, while my cock throbs uncontrollably.  “Hello,” says a young woman called Anastasia. “I’m here to interview you for the student newspaper. Are you gay?”  I have a sudden urge to fuck her in the ass. Hard. With my enormous cock. Then my heart stops. Has she already seen how emotionally damaged I am? “No,” I say. “But I do have a sudden insatiable desire to use some genital clamps, flog you and mercilessly fist-fuck you.”  “I’m only a virgin,” Anna replies, “and I know that sounds like the sort of invitation a girl just can’t refuse but can we just take it a bit more slowly with a bit of vaginal sex.”  My head says no but my enormous cock concurs. “OK,” I say. “But I must at least attach a GPS tracking system to your clitoris.” I push aside her panties with my masterful fingers and enter her. She immediately orgasms as my enormous cock quite literally explodes like a car-bomb within her, releasing several pints of semen.  “I think I may be falling in love with you,” Ana garbles as I force my resurgent enormous cock into her mouth.  “Speak more clearly,” I command her, “Or I will have to suspend you from the ceiling by your pert nipples.” No one had ever told me they loved me before. Could she be the one to control the monster within me?  I instruct her in the basic rules of our relationship. I will buy her a laptop, a BlackBerry and a new car and in return she will sign a contract promising to allow me to abuse her in whatever way I want. She has two days to consider my proposal.  The two days pass in agony as my enormous cock waits for its answer. Even when I am donating billions of dollars to charitable causes in Darfur, I can barely concentrate. I have to have her. She is the ONE. My enormous cock concurs. Then it usually does.  I pick Ana up from her apartment in my private jet. “Have many of your ex-girlfriends agreed to this?” she asks as I strap her firmly into her seat. My cock is about to explode yet again.  “Then I will too. It all seems fairly reasonable to me, though as I said I’d like to go easy on the fist-fucking, electrocution and crucifixions early doors.”  She moves to take me in her arms. I recoil. “Don’t touch me,” I say, commandingly and sternly. She looks shocked. But how can I let her know about the emotional and physical pain I suffered as a child from my parents and how a friend of my Mum shoved a dildo up my ass?  “What happens now?” she asks.  I ponder this. “While I am wondering whether to fall in love with you,” I tell her, “I shall take you off on pointless trips to Georgia, get you to meet my mother and secretly buy the company you are interning for, while my enormous cock continues to explode inside you at regular intervals.” My enormous cock nods its approval.  “That sounds marvellous. Is there anything I can do to help?”  “You could always let me be steadily more abusive.”  “Very well,” she sobs. “Because I understand how damaged you are, I am going to let you flog me until I yelp and let your enormous cock explode wherever it likes, because I understand this is the only way you can be emotionally healed.”  I get out my rabbit-fur gloves, titanium manacles and elephant hide whip and get to work. I am so proud of her as she literally explodes into the biggest orgasm anyone has ever had.  “I love you so much, but I’m not sure I can do this again,” she cries, running out the room clutching her soaking panties.  I am distraught. I think a bit more about my mum. I hope she comes back to me. She is definitely the one. My enormous cock concurs.  An email arrives. “Let’s give it another go.” My enormous cock erupts in delight. Then it always does.  Digested read, digested: Fifty shades of spray.
John Crace grips the author’s tumescent retelling of S&M romance Fifty Shades of Grey and constrains it to a more submissive 700 words