The latest trend in women’s leadership circles today is telling women they can’t have it all (at the same time), and they should stop trying. So many top female political and corporate leaders in a wide range of industries and arenas have been quoted in the past few years as saying “You can’t have it all – it’s a pipedream.” For instance, Pepisco CEO Indra Nooyi shared her views recently, explaining her personal story that ‘having it all’ is an illusion that comes with painful sacrifices and compromises.  I was a corporate Vice President when my children were little, and I personally lived the grueling experience of feeling guilty and ashamed that I was letting down everyone and everything I cared about in my life – my children who needed me, my husband who needed my parental and spousal support, and my professional life that needed full-time attention. I got sick frequently, and felt depleted, depressed and exhausted (my book Breakdown, Breakthrough shares more of that story). So I truly get how challenging it is to juggle both identities. I’m absolutely not saying that it’s easy or simple to build a satisfying and enriching personal life while also being a highly-contributive professional. Not easy at all.  I am saying, however, that to frame the entire discussion – and the way you view your life and your world – in this negative, limiting and pessimistic way sets us up to believe, “I can’t have everything I want in my life when I want it, and I’m doomed to fail. So why try?” It also makes us think that there is some objective standard of “all” that we have to live up to. I’ve been in leadership and career workshops by the dozens with young women who express how fearful they are to go for a big career, because all they hear today from women leaders is how they can’t have it all. And the phrase “We can have it all, just not at the same time,” isn’t an accurate representation either.  From my view, this is 100% the wrong way to think and speak about life and work. And it’s not what we need to teach and demonstrate to our young girls as they’re about to embark on their adult lives and careers. If it were up to me, I’d banish this phrase “having it all” forever.  What’s a more positive way to frame how you think about your life?  A more positive way to approach it is to adopt a mindset of “I know what matters most to me, and I’m honoring that, every day, with every choice and decision I make.” Stop thinking about and defining life in terms of “all,” because that just leads you to think you’ve ended up with “nothing.” Think instead about what you’ve already created in your life, and how to relish and appreciate that more, and build on it to pave the way for greater happiness and success, on your own terms. Where you are today is your “all.” If it’s not to your liking, find new ways to shift it.  I learned in my training as a marriage and family therapist that one of the most positive things we can do with clients who are struggling emotionally is to teach them how to “reframe” their problems. A reframe is a positive reshaping of an issue and a new telling of their story so that it fits the facts equally well (never lie and never twist the truth), but allows for more positivity, expansion, and growth. It’s not about seeing it with rose-colored classes. It’s about looking at the situation clearly but from a positive perspective that can open doors for more growth, happiness and change, rather than slam those doors in your face.  An example of this is when a client came to me recently after being laid off from her high-level public relations role, and she simply couldn’t get a job. She was emotionally devastated by the layoff, and had been on five interviews for similar public relations jobs that seemed to go well, but didn’t move forward. She literally said to me, “I’m a big loser – nobody wants me.”  That story – of being a complete loser and unable to create opportunity – framed the entire way she experienced herself, and how she was viewing her present situation and her future opportunities. After some time of “peeling the onion” and learning more about her situation, I asked, “Hang on here – it sounds like you went for these jobs, but in your heart, you really didn’t want them. Sounds like what you really want is to start your own business. Is this right?” She answered, “My gosh, that is right. I don’t want more of what I had. I’m so done with it. I want a complete change.”  Now that’s a positive reframe. She realized that there was positive root underlying her seemingly “negative” situation and that her life was teaching her something important. She realized, “I’m not a loser. There’s a reason behind what’s happening is my life, and I need to honor that.”  So how should we reframe the issue of “having it all?” I’d suggest these steps:  Be ever-vigilant about how you view, and talk about, your life and career – the lens you use to see it through, and the language you use to describe it  The story you tell about something dramatically shapes what happens and how you experience it. If you think, “There’s no way I can have it all” you’ll end up feeling like you have nothing that you want. See it through a new, more empowered lens. Think about what you want now, and what you’ll give up everything for to have that, and follow that. For instance, I knew I never wanted to have any regrets about how available I was for my children, and my involvement in their lives. I (personally speaking) couldn’t live with blowing that. They are 17 and 20 now, and I don’t have regrets. Throughout their childhoods, I elected to do what was required to be in the fabric of their lives, but at the same time, build new skills and capabilities in my career. You can too (if that’s what you want – you decide).  Understand that your career – and your life – has seasons. It’s not all about today.  At 54, I see my life so differently from how I viewed it at 34. I wish we all had the hindsight and clarity of vision that age can bring. I see now that one reason the final stage of my corporate career was so challenging to juggle was that it was a terrible fit for me. It didn’t offer me any meaning and purpose, so being away from my kids for something that felt meaningless to me, was heartbreaking. Now, doing work I love that matters to me makes focusing on it exciting and rewarding.
"Having it all" or not is the wrong way to frame success and happiness for women (and men).