1. Don’t try too hard  All that “man crèche” guff is so reductive and patronising, it makes my fists itch. We don’t need glossy lad mags and Playstations to occupy us like over-grown toddlers. Want to make sure men are looked after? Just give us a chair in a quiet corner and leave us be. We’re not complicated creatures.  2. Throw us a communication lifeline  Although having said that, one thing that would be appreciated is free wi-fi. Or even a small screen showing Jeff “the nation’s dad” Stelling on Soccer Saturday. Any male out and about at a weekend, jabbing at his phone while moaning about signal, isn’t checking work emails, Googling theatre reviews or regaling social networks with witty bon-mots. He wants to know the football scores.  3. Enforce checkout rules, with violence if necessary  Queue-jumpers. Slow-coaches. Till time-hoggers. Mind-changers. “Ooh, I forgot one thing” merchants. Express checkout abusers. Taser them or equip security guards with truncheons.  Our poor wallets are bulging already and still they come. Nectar cards. Clubcards. Advantage cards. Dog-eared coffee cards bearing one stamp out of ten, destined to never be filled. Stop doing them and stop asking if we want one. We never claim anything back and it makes us feel like our mum, collecting coupons for things she doesn’t really want.  5. No couples on Saturday afternoons  Saturday mornings, Sundays, after work… Any time is better than running the Saturday afternoon gauntlet, when all the world’s worst people (and their children) seem to shop. It’s a guaranteed argument-starter, like airports, DIY or Ikea.  6. Train shop assistants properly  They go from one extreme to another: rude ones who ignore you while they gossip inanely, or over-bearing ones who pester and hard-sell. Good, politely charming, smoothly efficient service is a neglected art, so invest in it. While you’re at it, tell cashiers to stop handing us our change on top of the receipt. And ban the phrase “bagging area”.  Just talking on them, you understand. Texting or web-surfing is fine, as long as the clicky key strokes are turned off. Wandering around shops, braying loudly into your handset, isn’t. Don’t get me started on people who continue their call while being served. Rude. Disrespectful. All-round tw*tty.  8. Set time limits and restrict repeat visits  Men shop like ninjas doing a bank heist: go in, buy what we want, get out fast. Women like to linger. Then visit another shop and linger in that. Then return to the first one. Then go away, umm and aah about it, then go back to both shops again. This is the bit that does our bonce in. Shops should allow one re-entry at most and set a 15-minute time limit.  9. Turn the heating down and soften the lighting  Just me or are shops often heated like saunas and illuminated either by squinty strip lighting (supermarkets) or unflattering spotlights (clothes shop changing rooms)? It’s like retail Guantanamo.  10. Don’t make us go shopping in the first place  Seriously, women should take anyone but us. A mum, a sister, a friend, a paid-for personal shopper, a randomly selected unlucky punter off the street, that moustachioed lady with the tartan shopping trolley who sits in the park muttering at pigeons… Anyone at all. Better still, make online shopping so efficient that physical stores become a bygone relic, like Ceefax, powdered egg or white dog poo. We’d honestly be happy to never go shopping again. Can you arrange this please, Posh Spice?
Victoria Beckham says her womenswear boutique is designed to appeal to men.   Perhaps she doesn't understand how men feel about shopping, says Michael   Hogan