Maybe you didn’t watch the MLS playoffs on Thursday night – Maid in Manhattan was on the Oxygen Network, after all, and there was some football match or other going on in Foxborough – but, like the one-eyed dog who can’t catch his Bonio, you missed a real treat. Portland Timbers played Sporting KC in the last of the first-round MLS playoff games, and it was a real doozy, as they say: records broken, thrills galore – and one of the feeblest Panenkas you’ll ever see.  Related: Sport picture of the day: Portland Timbers show off their slices of log  One each after 90 minutes, two all after extra-time, and then the party really started. The Timbers won 7-6 in an exhilarating penalty contest that featured a couple of bullets and some lamentable sidefoots, but you have to watch the spot-kick from Saad Abdul-Salaam, who had the chance to win it for Sporting at 5-5. Jeez Louise, how the did that stay out? Off both posts, and Adam Kwarasey managed to keep out of the way and stop it from bobbling in. Just have a look!  In sudden death Kwarasey tucked his penalty home, and his opposite number Jon Kempin left his very much untucked. Portland advance, and Sporting, who were top of the Western Conference heap in those dog days of summer, were made to pay for their late-season slump. Whether Portland are a better side than KC is a moot point, but that’s why we love these wildcard playoffs! (Isn’t it?) The Timbers take on Vancouver in a crunch Cascadia clash that should have the fans in the north-west biting their fingernails. On paper it looks extremely tight: both sides finished with the same number of points in the regular season, and two of their three matches ended all-square. Who wins? You decide!  Now it’s all finished, here’s how we look for Sunday’s first leg matches:  DC United v New York Red Bulls  Montreal Impact v Columbus Crew  Funny little octet in some ways, isn’t it? No NYC or Orlando, obviously, but no LA, no Sporting, no New England. And no Toronto, either. Yep, the men from the 6, who this year made their first postseason in history and celebrated by turfing Stephen Harper from office, got crushed 3-0 by Montreal on Thursday in what the Toronto Star described as the Reds’ worst display of the season “No excuses,” coach Greg Vanney said afterwards. “That was not a good enough performance, especially in the first half.”  Quite so. Toronto’s defence has been mildly shambolic all season – no team in MLS has conceded more than their 58 regular-season goals – and they were 3-0 down before 40 minutes had elapsed. So the team with the biggest wage bill in the league, which spent lavishly to bring Michael Bradley and Jose Altidore back home, and to bring Sebastian Giovinco from his home, is kaput. It’s a shame Giovinco won’t be involved in the most important games of the season, but if truth be told, Toronto are a world away from winning the MLS Cup. As Bradley pointed out: “In a perfect world it can go quickly, smoothly, but that’s not always the case. Unfortunately a lot of the time there’s going to be these steps along the way. You have to keep going.”  Montreal, on the other hand, could be a dangerous sleeper. For some reason, the Impact don’t seem to get the hype as some other teams in the East, but they’re a well-balanced team, have now won four straight, and with Piatti and Drogba in form, they’ll fancy beating the Columbus Crew over two legs. (The Crew might jab their fingers in my face and say: listen you, we finished above Montreal, just hammered DC United 5-0, and our top striker’s better than yours. To which I say: all good points! Please don’t hurt me.)  That’s a really good tie, actually, Montreal v Columbus, and a better prospect in the East than DC United v Red Bulls. Does anyone believe Red Bulls won’t prevail over two legs? Maybe Ben Olsen, I suppose, but even he, deep down, probably fears the worst. DC United showed some fortitude, grit and cojones to beat New England 2-1 on Wednesday, although they were thankful to some top saves from Bill Hamid to keep his side in business. “That’s why we have Bill,” Olsen said afterwards. “That’s what he does for us. Some teams have Giovincos. We’ve got a Bill.”  Incidentally, take a look at Juan Agudelo’s opener for the Revs:  Elsewhere, Dallas take on Seattle, after the Sounders beat 3-2 in a match in which, as my esteemed colleague Graham Parker put it, “the Galaxy only have themselves to blame.” Not just on Wednesday, although they might have won on another day against a reasonably ordinary Seattle side, but I just can’t fathom how they were in the wildcard game in the first place. In August, when they hammered New York City 5-1 and could have scored eight, they looked for all the world like the probable Supporters’ Shield champions. Since that game, they managed just one win in eight.  How to explain it? Bruce Arena had a bit of a wink-wink towards Messrs Gerrard and Giovani when, after the Sounders loss, he said of his midsummer signings: “I knew it wasn’t perfect the way we went about doing this. It was, at time, a little bit awkward. I don’t think you do anything in the very short term. When you make those investments, it should be over a couple of years, not a couple of months.”  Burn! Well done to Seattle, anyway, after a miserable start to the regular season. Sigi Schmid said on Wednesday night: “Basically, we haven’t done anything easy all year, but it’s all about momentum at this time.” Quite so, and if Ozzie Alonso is fit to play with Nelson Haedo Valdez and Clint Dempsey, the Sounders could do give the Texans a hard time. Dallas’s home form has been excellent, the best in MLS, but it’s not as hot in Frisco in November, and Seattle won’t have to face the blast furnace of Toyota Stadium. Dallas have class and talent, though. They’ll make it count.
Portland sneak it 7-6 on penalties after 2-2 draw; Toronto crash out to Montreal; last eight face off in playoff round missing LA, Kansas City and New England