My mother-in-law plays favorites, openly doting on my husband’s brother and his family. I ignored it for years; it didn’t seem to bother my husband. I also ignored that I was treated worse. But things changed when I had children. After a visit when my mother-in-law spent little time with my children, praising her other grandchildren instead, I sent a letter telling her what I had noticed. It was badly received. We have settled into an icy standoff. My children have not noticed their nana’s absence, but I hate to think of them not knowing her. What should I do?  Apologize to your husband, for starters. This woman is his mother, the original Big Cheese. And you seem to have fired off a letter of complaint (another terrible idea) without asking how he felt about it. I get that Mama Lion instincts run fierce, and watching your cubs treated as second best is hurtful. But extended families are complex ecosystems, and expressing yourself does not trump all. Imagine if someone had wedged her way into your relationship with your mother (or child) like this.  Her “playing favorites” has probably been going on for 30 or 40 years. It’s not so unusual. Line up any brood, and most of us can tell you who Mommy’s favorite is. Some parents hide it better than others, and some favoritism reaches into the next generation. Still, if affinities become hurtful, a son going to his mother, in person, will almost always yield better results than a letter from a disgruntled daughter-in-law. (The letter was another misstep. Complaints reduced to writing tend to read more rigid and angry than we actually feel.)  Now that you’re in the soup, consult your husband. He has the most experience with the old bird. Personally, I think you should both go to her. Fall on your sword (as sincerely as possible) and kill her with kindness for the foreseeable future. Her behavior may improve. As for your children, take it from someone who has sat on both sides of this fence (as son of the favorite and also of the distant runner-up): It won’t make a huge difference to them. The dynamic may gall you, but better for the kiddies to collect stories about their history (and Nana’s sweets) than suffer a blood feud by marriage.  A friend at work has complained about her job for as long as I have known her. We have had many, many discussions about what bothers her, whether it can be fixed (probably not, in her view) and whether she should move on (probably so). But nothing changes. She doesn’t leave; she just keeps complaining. How would you deal with this?  Your colleague reminds me of Kafka: “I am in chains. Don’t touch my chains.” You were kind to lend your ear and talk through her issues — twice, maybe three times. (Some people have a longer runway to action than others. And this isn’t the easiest economy for switching jobs.)  But when she starts complaining in lieu of action, or to blow off steam, say: “Things don’t seem to be getting better. Any thoughts on how to move forward?” This way, you short-circuit the annoying rehash, while inviting productive conversation. Let her find another audience for the same old moan.  A dear old friend is moving away. My wife and I want to give her a big party, but our friend has refused. I think she may have done so out of politeness and would really like a party — maybe a surprise party — but my wife disagrees. Thoughts?  I assume your friend is “Downton Abbey,” which I, too, am going to miss, not because it’s good — it hasn’t been good in years — but because it was that rare show you could talk about with your mother or your meditation coach. Unlike the splintered world of “No, I haven’t gotten to ‘Transparent’ yet,” or “Sorry, I stopped watching ‘The Good Wife,’” we all watched “Downton.”  As for the party, assume no means no. Suggest a dinner instead. Ask your pal whether she would prefer a table for four, eight or 12, and then listen. Some people aren’t comfortable at the center of crowds (especially ones screeching, “Surprise!”). A small dinner may be an intimate and loving send-off for your dear old friend.  If my partner and I have a debate, and the next day I see an article in the newspaper that proves my point, may I send her the article to show that I was right, or does that make me a smug jerk?  Yes. As the Persuaders sang, “The sweetest woman in the world can be the meanest woman in the world, if you make her that way.” And receiving “told you so” articles is a fresh-paved road to meanness. No need to stop your discussion, though. If you want to show her the article because it gives fresh perspective or makes the point better than you did, go for it. As with many things, it’s all in the attitude.
Plus: an unhappy colleague who doesn’t hesitate to share, a party for a departing friend and prolonging a debate.