'At some point, your friends are going to have to figure out how to talk to their kid.' Photograph: Franck Allais for the Guardian  Dear Molly,My friends are worried about their 14-year-old daughter. She's spending more and more time in her room with friends, including boys, and refuses to talk to her parents.They're worried about what she gets up to. Last week they told me they want to put a surveillance camera in her room. I know they're desperate, but I think this is a terrible idea. What should I do?  Dear Friend,There's a very good reason that putting a camera in a 14-year-old girl's room is a terrible idea – because it's a terrible idea! It's disrespectful, unethical and kinda creepy. Just because she doesn't want to hang out with her parents doesn't make her a sex-crazed drug addict. It just makes her… a teenager. Teenagers are moody, secretive, sullen, sarcastic; sometimes, those are the good bits. This is a critical age for girls: peer pressure is at its worst, their body is morphing into something unrecognisable to them, but very interesting to others. Many parents remember what they did at that age, and the thought of their little darling doing the same thing understandably strikes fear into their hearts.  I remember sneaking out to meet a guy who was way too old for me, and dabbling with substances that were no good for me, but fortunately my parents instilled in me the importance of respect; not just for others, but for myself. That little voice kicked in at critical times in my life when they weren't around to do it. But respect is something that needs to be taught and shown. Installing a camera to spy on our children doesn't merit any parenting gold stars.  However, as parents, we all have certain rules that are reasonable to enforce. If we don't feel comfortable with the door being closed when boys are over, the door stays open. This is not to say that a teenager can't find somewhere else to have sex; and if the parents haven't had the "safe sex" talk with their kid, they need to get on that. At some point, your friends are going to have to figure out how to talk to their kid. Although my own kids are not yet teenagers, my eldest is on the precipice and I find that she is most receptive to real communication during the good moments – not in the middle of an argument, and definitely not anywhere in the vicinity of her friends.  Do the unpleasant thing, and be honest about how you feel and why. They might be defensive, but if you express what you feel with genuine love, they'll get over it. If the idea makes you too uncomfortable, direct them here. I'll be the heavy.  • Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com
Guardian Weekend magazine's new agony aunt, Molly Ringwald, on the tricky topic of how best for parents to keep tabs on a teenage daughter