Executive coaching clients over the years have come to me with a key dilemma: “What do I do when I hate someone at work and feel he (or she) is out to get me?”  This question always intrigues me up because I lived through this experience personally, and I completely blew it. I handled it so poorly that my “enemy” actually contributed to my demise at my workplace.  So what do I advise my coaching clients to do about this situation? Here are four critical steps for dealing productively with an enemy at work.  1) Get to the bottom of your beef with them and theirs with you  You’ve got to understand the context and systemic factors around the issue and the core conflict with this individual. It’s almost never what you think it is – there’s always something deeper. Before you approach him/her or try to handle it directly, take a critical step back, neutralize your emotions, and uncover as best you can both your own issues with this person, and the problem they have with you.  As a trained marriage and family therapist, I learned this: we are 50% of a relationship problem – not more, not less. We’ve co-created and co-attracted this problem, and it’s vitally important to figure out how we’re maintaining it. In the case I mention above, my “enemy” was a beautiful marketing director who was the apple of my senior leaders’ eyes at the company. I was downright jealous of her because I felt she wasn’t smart or contributive enough to be achieving the recognition and promotions she received. In short – I wanted more recognition and accolades like hers. It stuck in my craw, and I truly couldn’t get over it. But I can tell you this – when you hate someone, they’re most likely going to hate you back.  If you are too emotional too see things clearly, ask for an outside perspective from someone you trust who can see more clearly what could be contributing to your problem with this individual, and their hatred of you.  Narcissist Alert – The only condition that doesn’t fit my “we are 50% of the problem” rule is when you’re dealing with a full-blown narcissist – someone with a true narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, narcissists are rampant in corporate America, particularly at high levels, and you’re best course of action is to 1) identify when you’re dealing with true narcissist, and 2) if you are, get out from their sphere of influence as soon as possible (read here for more about how not to get fired by a narcissist).  2) Evaluate The Type of Emotional Conflict You Have  There are numerous types of conflicts we have with co-workers, and we can categorize them by emotions or feelings they evoke in us. Several primary categories are:  - Jealousy – You’re jealous of what they have and do
Hate someone at work? Time to address it before your problem relationship gets the better of you, and your career.  Here's how.