Some say that it's not so much the homework as the extracurricular activities that are to blame.  ''We purposely don't do much after school because of homework,'' said Jamie Pearlman, a Mount Kisco resident whose two children attend Chappaqua schools. ''I didn't want her to go to bed at 10 or 11.''  The ways that teachers, schools, students and families choose to deal with homework are as varied as the players themselves.  Many parents who extol the virtues of their challenging public schools also complain that homework assignments, especially long-term projects, intrude on weekends, vacations, family meal times and children's sleep time, play time and down time.  Extracurricular activities are particularly at risk. Some Conservative Jewish congregations have scaled back their twice-a-week afternoon Hebrew school programs to once a week, because parents were reluctant to make that kind of time commitment for their children.  Other stresses are obvious, too. Dr. Karen Benedict, assistant superintendent for curriculum in Katonah-Lewisboro, said: ''People's lives are very busy. There are lots of dual parents who are working, and family time is valued. When students have to spend a lot of time on homework, family time is reduced.''  Beyond that, many conversations about homework include the assertion that ''my parents never did my homework for me,'' even Mom, who in a boomer's family might not have worked outside the home. Yet homework is now an issue not just for parents, but also for those who care for the children of working parents.  ''The first question parents ask when they come here is, 'Is your homework all done?''' said Pam Koner, who runs the Homework Club in Hastings-on-Hudson. It is a private after-school program that has as one of its goals the completion of homework. ''At 6 at night, the last thing most parents want to do is homework. In the last six to eight years, the amount of homework has stayed the same -- but it feels to me that intellectually, things have been bumped up. Third-grade work is now in second grade, and it can be challenging for some of these kids.''  Despite any coping mechanisms, conflicts about homework -- between parents and children, or parents and educators -- are not unknown.  A White Plains parent, Barbara O'Keefe, said in a telephone interview: ''My youngest child, a freshman in high school, has more difficulty. I have to become a policewoman.''  Style differences, and students' own abilities and affinities for subject matter, can also come into play.  ''One of mine can't start homework until 8 p.m.,'' Ms. Steinberg said. ''In my family, math goes quickly, but writing pieces are a nightmare.''  These forces have led to thriving tutoring industries in some communities. Some parents hire homework tutors to supervise or assist their children, reluctant to leave the task to nannies or non-English speaking housekeepers. And if tutors were once used to help struggling students, now it's not uncommon to find tutors engaged to help ''A'' students maintain their class standing.  ''We know that there are a lot more tutors,'' Mr. Both said. ''In a community like ours, everyone is looking for that edge.''  Many districts have embraced after-school (and even before-school ) centers.  ''Some kids have more help than others at home, so we try to build in more support at school,'' said Marjorie Holderman, principal of the Dobbs Ferry Middle School. The school is open before classes start in the morning as well as after school.  The Boys and Girls Club runs similar programs at its Mount Kisco, Yorktown and Tarrytown sites.  ''The amount of homework children are getting has been increasing,'' said Barbara Cutri, the director. ''An hour is not enough to get all the homework done, beginning in third grade. Parents' expectations are that they want the homework done. We're an after-school program, and the main focus is on fun activities after school. We're not an education center, and want to give kids a break -- but kids are not going home with all the homework finished.''  Colleen McNamee, a regular at the Mount Kisco Boys and Girls Club, said she prefers to do her homework on her own. ''My Mom won't even know some of this stuff,'' she said. ''Homework takes over everything.''  Although private schools are known for tough academics, being liberated from state requirements means that homework has a different flavor.  Bob Cook, head of the upper school at the Harvey School in Katonah, said high school students usually have 30 to 40 minutes per subject each night. ''I've been in prep schools for 27 years, and I don't see that the amount of homework has changed much,'' he said. ''We limit homework on three- to four-day weekends, and over long vacations, there's no written homework, except for AP classes. That's really family time. And my department heads get together to make sure kids don't get make work. We tell teachers that if they don't have homework on a given night, don't give it for the sake of giving homework. In our middle school, the students get one night off per week per subject.''  Granted, homework doesn't have to be an overwhelming experience. And, educators say, it certainly shouldn't be in elementary school.  Mrs. Dempsey, who taught in Scarsdale for 17 years, said: ''I had a second-grade teacher this year, a terrific teacher, who said she was going crazy because the first hour of every day is spent with homework, and many of the kids haven't been doing their homework. I said there's another way. I told her, 'Don't give homework.'''  When Mrs. Dempsey was in Scarsdale (she left in 1987) the district's unofficial custom was not to give homework until the third grade, a practice that has since disappeared.  ''I believe children should be reading every night, but not a multitude of math problems or reading assignments,'' she said. ''I can see how homework helps children when they're having struggles -- like doing math facts for a second grader, as opposed to 21 drill problems every night. If kids have worked hard in school, they should be out playing.''  In the high-powered Chappaqua schools, there is no regularly assigned kindergarten homework, although teachers may sometimes give assignments, mostly as a means of getting students accustomed to the idea of homework. First graders are supposed to have short assignments. It's not until second grade that students are expected to get regular language arts and math assignments, with daily reading part of the routine.  In response to a perception that there is too much homework, many of the county's middle schools have tried to find solutions.  Gail Kipper, the principal of the Farragut Middle School in Hastings, said that a few years ago, a committee of parents, teachers and administrators developed a pamphlet and policies about homework that is distributed at the fall open school night. Each grade hallway in the school, for example, has calendars with assignments posted.  ''There should be no more than two major tests in a day, and long-term assignments are to be staggered,'' Ms. Kipper said.  At the Dobbs Ferry Middle School, coordination among the teachers is vital, said Ed Feller, a sixth-grade English teacher and team leader. ''We meet daily to discuss projects that we've given, so we stagger due dates.''  One solution has been to use technology. ''In middle school, kids want to break away from mom and dad, and parents want to hold on to that connection,'' said Peter J. Mustich, the superintendent of the Rye Neck school district, where the middle school recently began posting homework assignments on teachers' Web pages. ''Parents and students can look at the homework assignment, students can do the worksheet online.''  Some educators, and parents of children who are in college and beyond, caution that the homework umbilical cord needs to be cut sooner, not later. What seems like an innocent practice of helping a fourth-grader with a science poster can set a dangerous pattern. Between faxes and e-mail technology, it's not uncommon for college students to send term papers home to their parents for comments or editing, meaning that the homework issues can go on indefinitely.  In many households, homework stress is constant. Patty Warble, a mother of five grown children, speaks both as a parent and as a professional, because she is the executive director of the Bedford-Lewisboro-Pound Ridge Drug Abuse Prevention Council, as well as a staff member for the Tarrytown-based Student Assistance Services Corporation, a private nonprofit substance abuse and prevention organization.  ''There's more pressure on kids to succeed, and homework becomes a power struggle,'' she said. ''Parents need to disengage from the power struggle. The idea is 'whose problem is it?' Let the people at the school who are the professionals handle it.''  Still, that's not necessarily an easy lessons for parents to absorb completely.  ''When parents take over, it sends two messages,'' said Ms. Wallace, guidance director for the middle and high schools in Rye Neck. ''One is 'I'm supporting you, this is important.' And the other is 'I don't think you can do this on your own.' As parents, we don't want to see them fail.''  WHILE homework will never go away, experts say there are ways to reduce stress among the various parties: students, parents, teachers and other educators. Homework has to get done, and done on time to meet teachers' requirements -- but exactly how and when can be different for different people. Before they buckle down, some children need to decompress after school, maybe by taking a half-hour to instant-message friends, nap on the couch or work off excess energy by jumping on a trampoline. If children and parents understand this about one another, it can reduce a lot of family stress on homework, just as it may well pay for a parent to understand that her work style is different from her daughter's.  1. Once you get past the earliest elementary grades, remember that it's your homework -- not your parents'.  2. Establish a regular routine to do homework, so that you have the habit of doing your work at the same time, and in the same place, most days.  3. Pay attention to due dates for long-term projects, and keep to that schedule.  4. If you're struggling, or an assignment is taking you longer to complete than anticipated, do as much as you can and discuss your problem with your teacher.  1. Support and supervise your child's efforts, but remember that it's not your homework. Your role should be that of a monitor or coach, not a partner.  2. Step back. Your value as a person isn't dependent on how your daughter does on her seventh-grade science lab or what your son gets on his fourth-grade poetry folder.  3. Provide a quiet time and study area for your child, to establish good study habits and encourage independence.  4. Expect regular assignments, and contact the teacher if there are problems or if homework doesn't arrive home regularly.  1. Be sure that you're assigning work that students can do on their own, based on what they've learned in class, and that the assignments are clear to them. If parental input is expected on a long-term project, or extra credit assignments and challenge activities, define parents' role during open school night or at some other appropriate time.  2. Monitor the ease or difficulty of homework assignments for your students.  3. Check and return assignments promptly. Think about the value of homework. Maggie Worell, a third-grade teacher at the Hillside Elementary School in Hastings-on-Hudson, and a 35-year veteran of the profession, said: ''Homework should address the needs of diverse abilities. So teachers make adjustments for students.''  1. Set clear homework guidelines, and be sure the classroom teachers follow them.  2. Have a definite time limit for each grade. Ten minutes times the grade level appears to be one common standard.  3. Homework isn't about introducing new skills or concepts, but about reinforcing what happened in the classroom. Make sure that teachers understand that policy.  4. Keep in touch with parents. Find out if they're satisfied with the quality and quantity of homework assignments, and be prepared to adjust your policies if community expectations change or evolve. Merri Rosenberg
Both students and parents in academically ambitious Westchester County schools are feeling pressure of increased load of homework; photos (L)