The dilemma My girlfriend doesn’t want me. I met her in France and when I left we made plans for the future, but despite my efforts a life together doesn’t seem hopeful. I’ve Skyped her a few times recently and we ended saying: “I love you.” I sent her a letter about how I want her here for Christmas. She said she’d apply for jobs in the Boston area, and I’ve been helping her. Yet I believe she only said this (and other things) in the moment, to appease me and continue on with something else. She just keeps taking her distance, pulling back. I know her dad is her chief adviser, and she said that: “He is against me.” She’s 26 and I’m 23 – I’m aware of the age gap. I feel strongly for her and there are some things about her I wish were different. I feel there are more compatible women for me out there. Yet this woman, the French one, I am really having difficulty letting go of, and I wonder why we aren’t together, and why she doesn’t feel the same way about me. Despite the I love you’s at the end of our Skype calls, when she writes to me it’s cold, logical, friend-like but not loving. A while ago her friend said that it’s best that I just forget about her.  Mariella replies She may have a point! Chasing down impossible dreams is a condition that’s at its worst in youth and one that I definitely don’t envy. I’m struggling to see indications that this is a relationship worth pursuing. There’s little substance here to grasp. Even now, while your pining is at its most intense, you say that there are obvious incompatibilities. So why are you allowing her to inhabit your romantic imagination to such an extent?  You think that age has nothing to do with your strength of feeling but I would suggest otherwise. Feeling that any single person or event will entirely change the dynamic of your emotional life is, at its core, no matter at what life stage it takes grip of you, an immature assumption. The insecurity that’s triggered when another human rejects us is also exaggerated to agonising levels when we are still part-formed creatures.  Telling you how you will feel in the future may seem unhelpful as you writhe in lovelorn torment, but truly the person making you unhappy right now is you. Love, like so many other inspiring and debilitating emotion conditions, is, pared down to its basics, simply a state of mind. You’re fixed on the matter of conquering this girl’s heart, but have you seriously asked yourself why and what you’ll do with it if she succumbs?  She’s far away, unenthusiastic, communicates with you coldly and seems to offer little emotional nourishment. Attempting to lure her from her home in France to yours, were it to work, would place enormous strain on the relationship. Not only would you need to continue the ardency of your devotion to make up for the family she’s left behind but also initially you’d have to take responsibility for her welfare, supporting her while she found a job, helping her to make her own friends and providing a home. It’s perfectly possible for an enthusiastic émigré to secure those things themselves, but only on a wave of their own determination, rather than your persuasion. Every way you look at this relationship it presents you with problems.  I suggest that at 23 years old you really don’t need to add to your burden. Focus your mind instead on all the myriad reasons she’s not perfect for you. Your mind should be set on forging a career, having fun and eventually encountering a girl who feels as strongly for you as you do for her. Skype calls may offer you faint encouragement, but with no follow- through this girl’s intentions seem to be being broadcast loud and clear. The best relationships – and the only ones worth investing in – are those that begin with shared enthusiasm for each other, not one member of the partnership being dragged reluctantly into a union.  She’s far away and elusive and as such has become a fantasy figure whose appeal is heightened by the distance between you. You’ve elevated her far above the position she deserves to occupy in your thoughts, which is why it’s causing you such torment. I guarantee the minute someone else walks into your life this girl will fade into memory more swiftly that you can imagine.  In the meantime stop wasting your energy trying to maintain your links, whether physical or cyber. If this girl wants you, leaving her to ponder your absence is far more likely to inspire the desire you covet. I’ve found that when absence fails to make the heart grow fonder you can be pretty certain that nothing else will. For your own peace of mind, discontinue the barrage of encouragement and wait to see how she responds. Forcing someone to love you is as foolish as it is impossible. I suspect that, untethered, you’ll both move on and be all the happier for it.  If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1
A 23-year-old man fears for his future with his French girlfriend: he loves her but she doesn’t seem so sure. Mariella Frostrup says it might be time to say adieu