As you might have heard recently, we solved racism with the announcement of a black Hermoine in the new Harry Potter stage play, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. The casting of Noma Dumezweni in the upcoming play strikes a fatal blow for the cause of equality: a made-up wizard can be black. In this kooky, mixed-up, pre-apocalypse we call society, these are our victories. Substantive policy changes are difficult due to systemic quirks in our politics like gerrymandering, patronage and outright malice. Republicans gleefully roll back landmark civil rights legislation like the Voting Rights Act because it’s not politically advantageous for black people to vote. I’m happy to ignore that for a while as long as we cast a black dude in high-profile fantasy roles like Star Wars or as president of the United States.  Related: Can Hermione be black? What a stupid question  Yes, these are fun moments for those of us who grew up at a time when the best you could do for black heroes was Carl Weathers, Wesley Snipes, Boyz II Men and Urkel. But what practical good does all of this do when black men are still being incarcerated at record levels? Those brothers don’t even get to see Star Wars on cable, let alone go to the West End to see some snooty play about people riding brooms for sport. For the sake of experimentation, let’s look at a few other classic fictional characters and wonder what making them black would actually do for the world.  The most popular race-bending suggestion of all time is casting Idris Elba as Commander James Bond of Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Never mind that Elba is 43 and by the time he’d have a chance to make a second Bond film, he’d have to put human growth hormone in his vodka martinis in order to do all those stunts. Elba is very handsome, British and black, in addition to being a fine actor. As such, he is uniquely eligible to make history as the first black Bond. The actual social outcome of this would probably be negligible, save for Sir Roger Moore burying himself alive a week before the premiere of the film out of sheer horror.  Making Batman black is highly intriguing because of Bruce Wayne’s relationship to crime. Bruce Wayne is a wealthy man who witnessed his parents’ grisly murder, and then creates an alter-ego to fight crime in the middle of the night. Batman must end up fighting a few black people during his evening S&M romps, but doesn’t stop to ask about the sociological factors at play that have led his victims to a life of crime. While he’s clubbing some poor bastard’s skull in with some sick medieval gauntlet, he definitely doesn’t pause his assault to lob any questions. “Hold still for a second while we discuss some important issues! Did you attend an urban public school? Did you feel there were enough job opportunities for you when you graduated? Would you have been more inspired to achieve if you knew the girl from Harry Potter is black now? ANSWER ME!” Yeah, he doesn’t have time for that. So, if you make Batman black, it would make one wonder why he doesn’t do more to address the underlying issues behind crime. By just using brute force and a creepy voice to solve problems, a black Batman would basically be Ben Carson. That sounds awful.  He’s elderly, insane, homeless and constantly kidnapping young women. I don’t think black folk want any part of this, thank you very much. It’s bad enough we have to answer for Bill Cosby.  At last, a truly noble character that could easily be black. Think of all the wise black plumbers you’ve met. At my last New Year’s Eve party, someone clogged my toilet so thoroughly that I had to call someone out the next day to handle the situation. A wise, mysterious, Bagger Vance-esque “magical negro” plumber came to my home with a smile on his face, happy to be of assistance. Shall I remind you that plumbers also have to touch human waste all day? Not even their own waste. Your waste. Really, the fighting of lizard monsters and anthropomorphic mushrooms is the icing on the proverbial race relations cake. The important thing is that being associated with the plumbing profession would finally, at last, dispel the image of black people being lazy. How can you call anyone lazy who gleefully handles excrement for a living? I’d like to see Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity handle some filth for a day instead of spewing it out of their mouths. Lastly, there’s already precedent for great Marios in black culture. I think we have room for another.  Oh, one other thing: we’d have to make the princess black too. I’m not quite sure America’s ready for an interracial video game couple. Let’s circle back on that one and see how everyone feels in a few years. If Kanye can’t even marry Kim without racists getting pissed, I can’t begin to fathom the outrage over Mario marrying Princess Daisy.  This is the holy grail for black folks, for sure. Consider, if you will, the power in an icon of southern culture and corporate chicken mascot becoming black. KFC recently brought the Colonel – he of the all-white suit that’s a hood and a flaming cross away from being truly problematic – back for an absurd, self-referential ad campaign. Already they’ve switched actors portraying the Colonel, pivoting from SNL alum Darrell Hammond to another SNL alum, Norm MacDonald. I think it’s high time for a brand refresh, so why not Tim Meadows or Tracy Morgan for the next Colonel? This might have the unintended consequence of sending yet more black people to an early grave due to the fact that eating enough fried chicken can turn your heart into a rather large rock-type thing, which is incapable of pumping your gravy blood to the rest of your lardy, stuffed-crust body. Never mind that. Just think about how inspiring it will be for the orphaned children of those obese corpses to see a black man selling fast food.
Casting a black actor in the role of a traditionally white character never fails to cause an outcry, so who could be next – and what would the consequences be?