Hi, I'm Susan Piver, author of 6 books on relationships and spirituality, including my latest, "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart," which is about how to deal with the tremendous grief, depression, and anger that can rise from a breakup.  I'm a long-time student of Buddhism. This book is about how to apply the wisdom of these teachings to your situation. I look forward to your questions!  Hi all, Thanks for joining us for another OnLove chat. I'm so excited to have Susan Piver with us today. She's written extensively about learning from our heartaches, asking smart questions before taking the plunge into marriage and many other relationship issues. She also teaches and writes frequently about meditation, spirituality and creativity. This is a woman with a lot to share, so let's get right to it!  This could not be a more timely chat! My fiance and I broke up last week and I'm completely reeling. I'm angry, sad, lonely, feel like I'm never going to be happy again, and feel like this was my last chance at love and family. I know that all of this is normal and that it will recede, but how do I emerge from this whole, healed, and willing to open my heart again?  The best answer I can give you is what the American Buddhist nun Pema Chodron once said:  "Feel the feelings. Drop the story."  This--making room for all your feelings without trying to manipulate or explain them away--is what helps them to metabolize most quickly.  Please be gentle and patient with yourself and, if it holds any appeal, try to learn to meditate!  – April 27, 2011 12:00 PM  When you think you have found a new love, how do you trust yourself to not make the same mistakes you did in a previous marriage?  You can only trust what you are capable of in each moment. Thinking too much about what problems may arise in the future is very intelligent--but only up to a point. Try to notice when pragmatic, earthy intelligence might be turning into spinning-in-the-air anxiety. When in doubt, return your attention to what is occurring in the present. Are you being genuine? Trying your best? Opening your heart? Then you are creating a trustworthy moment and these moments will create an unbreakable chain...  – April 27, 2011 12:03 PM  I ended a five year on-again-off-again relationship about a year ago this spring. He moved on to the next person within 6 weeks. I haven't been interested in dating until just recently. Ending the relationship was the right decision, but I still find myself thinking about him almost every day. I have a feeling that soon, he is going to marry his new girlfriend, and I am afraid of the emotional fallout when I hear the news. After all of my hard work in learning how to be alone, learning to love who I am and know what I want, when does the payoff come? Why am I still so afraid that I'll be the last one standing without a chair when the music stops?  It is totally understandable to experience what you describe: dread. When you've worked this hard to right your balance, it makes sense that you'd fear anything that could knock you down. Rest assured: something will. And you will get right back up again. The payoff is that your wisdom will deepen and continue to deepen each time you are challenged (because you are willing to work with your situation) and you will become more loving and seasoned each time.  In terms of the "payoff:" this is it. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees but, rest assured that the more you are capable of love, the more you will find love everywhere you look. Don't mean to sound like a pollyanna; this is simple common sense. Good luck to you!! S.  – April 27, 2011 12:05 PM  ...But I'm (surprisingly) heartbroken over feeling rejected by someone with whom I thought I had great chemistry. Long story short - he and I had a series of GREAT dates a few years ago (he admitted so to a mutual friend) but then he dropped me for his ex who wanted to get back together. Fast forward to this year, when our paths crossed again (both of us single, he no longer with the ex) and I thought we'd just be friends, but to me the chemistry was still there. He's everything I want, and yet he's disappeared again. I get it now -- he's just not that into me. But after all these years (I will be 35 this year) I felt like I'd FINALLY found a great guy and yet he obviously doesn't feel the same. That is the heartbreak I feel. I feel like I got dumped twice and we never even had a relationship. I know that I REALLY need to get over him but I'm having a hard time (especially when I go out with someone new and the date is just so-so, or worse, and I want to smack the guy I really like for not wanting me). (sigh). What can I do to move past this? Thanks!  Patience with yourself... And learning to work with what is really tormenting you: your thoughts. They are what is causing the pain, not the person you are focused on. I'm not saying AT ALL that you should get rid of your thoughts or change negative thoughts into positive ones or any of that other "positive thought police" stuff. Instead, make room for your thoughts just as they are. THe practice of meditation is exactly this art. If you'd like to learn it, go to my website. Even 5 minutes a day can really help. Good luck, sistah! Susan  – April 27, 2011 12:05 PM  I wonder if you can draw a parallel for me -- I've dealt with a broken heart over a romance, but I was laid off with one days notice in 2008. I had gotten a raise and a promotion just months earlier, it was strictly the budget was cut. But I am having a hard time regaining my confidence and blossoming in my new job.  It's understandable to have some self-doubt. Is there anyway you can recategorize your lack of confidence as what it really is: tenderness and openness? Underneath self-doubt is always some kind of sadness. If you can access your sadness, you see that it is simple, human tenderness which is always workable. You can do it. xo S  – April 27, 2011 12:07 PM  Hey Susan, the subtitle of your book is, "How to turn the pain of a breakup into healing, insight, and new love." Can you tell us a little about what you mean by that? And how you came to believe that breakups offer an opportunity for strength and growth?  I learned more about what it truly means to love from my breakup than from any love affair, ever. When my heart was broken, a number of things happened:  1. I could feel everything without filter, and not just my own joys and sorrows, but those of everyone else.  2. I was keenly attuned to the presence or absence of love in every single interaction.  3. I knew beyond doubt that love was the most important thing of all--not money or success or looks.  These 3 capabilities/insights are what the great beings--Desmond Tutu, the Dalai Lama--espouse as the greatest wisdom we can ever find. So my Buddhist studies taught me ways to work with my broken heart as an OPEN heart rather than something to be fixed--and how to stabilize within this openness. Very important turning point in my life.  The thing is: there is no way to make love safe. Not ever. Trying to make it safe is not love. Learning to love anyway is a very deep and important capacity--make you capable, in fact, of true love beyond conventional ideas of what it SHOULD look like.  – April 27, 2011 12:12 PM  I broke-up with a boyfriend of 5 years a few months ago. I am having a hard time getting back to my "old" self despite being the one who initiated the break-up. I'm struggling with the thought of becoming meaningless to him. I don't want to tumble meaninglessly through other peoples' lives. Can you offer any advice for coping with these feelings?  Hello, meaningful one. Of course you want to mean something to those you touch, and you want those in your life to mean something to you. Thinking of your ex--he meant one thing to you during your relationship and now means something different to you. Does your present view of him change the meaning he once had? My guess is no. So the takeaway here is that meaning is always of the moment--and the more we can embrace this truth, the less likely we'll be to torment ourselves by retroactively re-categorizing what once was (truly) meaningful as something other than this. Know that what you had can neither be taken from you nor recreated. Cherish/regret it for what it was and keep moving forward. Sending love. Susan  – April 27, 2011 12:13 PM  Hello. I've been divorced for more than a decade and I don't even bother to look for anyone new anymore. I've had a few dates, all of which caused me to sit there looking at a new face and wondering, "How long will it take before you turn into Him [the Ex]?", and then getting home as quickly as I can. I feel like my heart was torn out of me and that its life ended with him. What is wrong with me?  Nothing is wrong with you, beyond the truth that you are still hurting. There is no timetable for getting over heartbreak. I hope you will be patient with yourself (and those you date) for as long as it takes...  – April 27, 2011 12:13 PM  My counselor recommended a local group called New Beginnings when I was going through separation and divorce. I found having a place to go to be around people in the same situation and talk with them, sharing experiences, thoughts, and feelings, to be invaluable. Are you familiar with them, or any other similar groups in the DC area? Is that sort of thing something you would generally suggest as potentially helpful?  No, I'm not familiar with them, but I'm so glad you found them helpful.  My main suggestion for people going through a broken heart is to learn meditation. So very, very helpful. Imperative, in fact. I recommend learning it at the Washington Shambhala Center on the 3500 block of Connecticut Ave NW--although there are certainly other good places to learn. This, though, is the place I can vouch for.  – April 27, 2011 12:16 PM  My boyfriend of 4 years and I have decided to take a hiatus as we reevaluate our personal priorities and determine whether we can have a future together. We have several key issues that we are trying to sort out--namely, he is a workaholic and I'm more about balance, I am religious and he is not. We have to determine whether we can be satisfied with compromising some key issues. The separation is still fresh and I have no idea where I stand at the moment, but I know that apart me is struggling with being apart since we have been together (living together as well) for such a long time. How do you determine whether its time to move on, despite still loving the individual? How do you know if you are really ready to move on in your life?  This is such an important and difficult question. Meeting your differences with kindness and generosity is one thing--but some issues are deal-breakers and no matter how kind and generous you are, nothing will change that. When it comes to workaholism: can you reconcile with that and support him in his intensity to accomplish and achieve--and can he understand your discomfort with this and make space for it? If so, you've got a good relationship. However, it may not be the relationship you want forever. Only you can decide. Same with religion: can you imagine growing old, side by side, holding different views of what family, celebrations, and aging mean? For me, I'm a devoted student of Buddhism and my husband is not. Sometimes I may wish it was otherwise, but I love him dearly and, at least so far (13 years on), my love for him has always trumped our differences. But that's us. Not saying it should be that way for everyone. Good luck! Susan  – April 27, 2011 12:18 PM  I now realize I should not have married my husband 6 years ago. I've told him I want a break, we aren't compatible, we'd be happier going our seperate ways, but he perseveres. Now, I realized I've retracted myself from reality in order not to be depressed and angry. I don't really have any emotions, I note that I should be angry or happy about isolated events. I'm not living. The only living I do is in my fantasy head thinking about a single friend I feel simpatico with. It's like two ghosts living in the same house. The only emotion I feel is anger when the wool slips a little.  This sounds so difficult. Underneath anger is always some kind of precision and clarity, although it takes a very skillful person to work with its positive aspects. As you report, it has a wakeful quality and this is a very good place to start when trying to recover your own heart--which can never, ever be dulled completely, rest assured. xo S  – April 27, 2011 12:18 PM  How does meditation play into the process of dealing with a broken heart? What benefit does it offer people who are grieving?  Meditation helps you make room for all of your emotions, which runs counter to the traditional breakup advice which is usually about distracting yourself from them---whereupon they return stronger. Taking a few minutes everyday to allow your feelings to be as they are (without attaching a further story line to them) is the direct route to healing.  – April 27, 2011 12:20 PM  I'm in my mid-twenties and recently broke up with someone I'd been dating for about two years. I've ended every serious relationship I've ever been in. I broke up with this last person because I didn't see us getting married. Still, I really miss the relationship and keep wondering if something is wrong with me, and if I'm ending relationships not because the other person isn't right for me but just because I'm not willing to work hard enough? People often talk about "knowing" when they've found the right relationship, but I don't know if that happens for everyone. Should I stop dwelling and accept the fact that I broke up with someone based on a gut feeling? Or should I worry that my gut feelings are a cover for some deeper problem that I have?  Just because you love someone, does NOT mean you can create a life together that you will both love. We think that if we love someone, that will ensure a good relationship. This is simply not the case. It's smart of you to wait until you can commit both to a person AND to a shared view of life. It has nothing to do with working hard or not. Examine your gut and then, when it seems clear, go with it.  – April 27, 2011 12:22 PM  What a timely discussion topic. This weekend my boyfriend of more than a year broke up with me. We're in our late thirties, had a strong, supportive relationship, and he has told me many times that I'm the best woman he's ever known, let alone dated. His explanation was that he's not over the divorce he went through about three years ago and he needs some time alone to work through those ghosts. He said he thinks he's probably making a mistake by breaking up with me but it's something he has to do right now. I'm just at a loss as to where to go from here. I thought this was the relationship I'd been waiting for and I don't know how to re-envision my life and get on with things. I don't even have the benefit of being able to hate him because he's a good person and I know he loves me. How do I adjust and change my whole concept of relationships, which was that when you love and respect and trust one another you can work through anything? How do I ever trust anyone again?  Devastating, for sure. And so extremely fresh. Not a time to be asking yourself questions about whether or not you will ever trust again. Try your best to take care of yourself, day after day, moment to moment, by softening to your experience, feeling it fully, and then this (and other) questions will answer themselves. Sending love--Susan  – April 27, 2011 12:23 PM  Good afternoon, i'm several years out of a long-term relationship. we have both moved on and have very limited contact with each other. i've dated several people since our breakup but nothing serious has blossomed. is it possible that i'm not really "over" him? i work, i have friends, i volunteer, and generally lead a very active life. however, in my alone time (or sometimes on holidays) i wonder, "what if..." Is there anything I can do to be completely ready to start fresh? i feel like it's been more than enough time for me to get into something serious with someone else.  I don't think there is ever a moment when you are "over" someone, like everything before this moment, I was not over him and everything subsequent, I was. We get over someone on some days, and not on others. So don't worry about not having done your work and therefore being unable to start anything fresh.  When you connect with the right person, a fresh start presents itself, not the other way around.  – April 27, 2011 12:26 PM  You mention the importance of allowing feelings to be as they are. Obviously this could feel overwhelming to some people going through personal turmoil. Is this something people can do on their own, or do you recommend seeking the guidance of a therapist or teacher?  I recommend seeking the guidance of a teacher or therapist. I especially recommend learning the practice of meditation which IS the practice of learning to let things be as they are. This is most helpful. Instruction is in my book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, but you can also find instruction at a local Shambhala, Zen, or Vipassana center.  – April 27, 2011 12:28 PM  I have made the mistake of jumping right into another relationship after a previous long-term relationship ended. The rebound relationship ended badly with my being heartbroken, depressed and lonely, but finally ready to face working on me so that I would be better prepared for a new relationship. While I wouldn't go that route again and would not recommend it to anyone, I was just wondering do you think rebound relationships can ever work? Is it possible that if you are honest with yourself and the other person and keep it as casual as possible without the expectation of the relationship lasting that it can provide a soft landing? I know in my younger days, I had flings with people where I don't think either of us expected anything substantial to come of it, but just enjoyed each other's company for a limited duration till we both decided it was time for us to move on. In those relationships we both maintained our independence and they never had the emotional intimacy of a committed relationship. Can a rebound relationship operate like a fling?  There are no hard and fast rules about such things. There is a chapter in my book called "Sex Might Help" which is about the (very rare) times when just connecting with someone else can really help. But that is not usually how it turns out...  I also don't think there is any way to keep a relationship casual. When your heart and body are involved, it's not casual. It takes tremendous skillfulness and intelligence and kindness to be in relationship that you know will not last without hurting each other.  – April 27, 2011 12:31 PM  And now fear I never will. The 'love of my life' dumped me and married someone else. I married (now I realize) out of fear of being alone at 43. Now I'm 50 and fear it's too late to EVER know reciprocal love in my life and it makes me sad and jealous and mad.  The age thing is a big problem--as if being 50 made happiness any more or less likely than at 43 or 23 or 83. If you can find some way to relate with your feelings of sadness, jealousy, and anger, your chances of happiness (whether or not you change your external circumstances) will increase greatly. Good luck!! S.  – April 27, 2011 12:33 PM  My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up about a month ago, and since then I just haven't been interested in the hobbies I did individually before he and I broke up. I was much more interested in making adjustments to my surroundings -- my home, my yard, etc. -- and now I have much less interest in those hobbies and much more interest in taking care of myself through exercise, better eating, generally trying to look good, and focus on my career plans. None of these things are terribly unhealthy, but I wonder which state of my being was really the truer/healthier version of me. Part of me feels like I've abandoned one of my passions and worries that this is some sign of depression, while another part of me wonders that, being in a relationship, my focus on those hobbies meant that I neglected being in touch with true self for a long time. What are your thoughts?  My thoughts are that BOTH of them were you--different "yous" for different times. If you stay focused on what is important to you now, that is great.  If you feel that you may be depressed, it is good to seek the insight of a therapist. But it's also possible to experience some depression AND a genuine shift in interests at the same time, and that they are not causally related.  I love that you're being this kind to yourself, btw...  – April 27, 2011 12:36 PM  You're very clear in your book that heartache isn't something we should try to avoid in seeking love -- that in fact we can love more deeply without trying to make it safe or free of risk.  But of course we all want to do everything we can to make the most of the relationships we value so deeply. What are some of the questions you suggest people think through before committing to marriage?  Actually, I wrote a book of 100 such questions. It's called "The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say 'I Do.'" It contains very down-to-earth questions about money, family, religion, and so on , with the idea that more you know each other (whether or not you agree or disagree), the more likely you'll be to create a life that you both love.  – April 27, 2011 12:38 PM  Kind of a different question. What do you do if someone who you've been dating for a while has what can only be described as a panic attack and breaks things off. But then later comes back and tells you he was wrong and just scared about the serious nature of the relationship. So, you take him back, but all the while you feel like your heart broke in some way because you weren't expecting that to happen? How do you recover and learn to get things back to how they once were (but more improved)? Or should you just move on?  Trust is a key issue. I'm not saying that because this person flip-flopped he is untrustworthy. A better question is can you work together to process issues of trust and allow for each other's doubts and human frailties? If so, time will be your ally in setting to rest such issues. Good luck! Susan  – April 27, 2011 12:40 PM  You talk in the book about treating yourself and acting like a Queen in times of heartache. Can you talk a little about what you mean by that?  Yes, in the book I put forth some "rules" about acting like royalty in the face of heartache, rather than, say, a diva or a doormat. They include things like:  1. A Queen is never summoned. Not even by her ex.  2. A Queen's surroundings are impeccable. Don't let your body or home fall to peices...  3. A Queen never complains and never explains. She takes responsibility for her emotional life, no matter how it got screwed up...  – April 27, 2011 12:44 PM  Thank you for reminding me why I should stay single. I believe I am on going to live this life one time and am very conservative about what I give out: after all, you don't get time, energy and tears back  Nor do you get love, joy, and openheartedness back--unless you give them out. IMHO.  – April 27, 2011 12:45 PM  I dated a guy about 15 years ago and then we reconnected about two years ago. I thought this was going to be it and we would live happily ever after. Turns out, he started dating another girl on the side that ultimately broke his heart. We were close friends before and I now, more than a year later, I cant get him out of my head. I have not returned any of his emails. He broke my heart and ruined our friendship. But I still desperately wish he would wake up and realize what an ass he was. How do I move on?  Moving on is happening every day. With each day that passes, you literally and figuratively move a little further down the line. It sounds like you're very smart to not re-engage in dialog. I admire that. Here's the thing, though: even if he woke up and realized what an ass he was, nothing would change. Sure, maybe you'd feel all vindicated for like 3 seconds, but it wouldn't really make much difference in the long run... So be patient with yourself...  – April 27, 2011 12:47 PM  What one piece of advice would you give to someone reading this who is in the midst of a breakup right now?  To be very, very gentle with themselves. And to learn to meditate, which IS the practice of gentleness toward one's self.  – April 27, 2011 12:48 PM  Thank you for this chat. Your first answer -- Feel the Feelings, Drop the Story -- hit me right in the gut... I have isolated myself for years now, after a few failed romances and two traumatic sexual experiences. I try to look as unattractive as I can, refuse dates, etc. I don't want to feel anything romantic. But I am lonely. I know that it is just fear. Do you have another pithy saying that could help me out of this rut? thanks!  Yes, "feel the feelings, drop the story" is like the best answer of all time. (Thank you, Pema Chodron.)  For more such pithy sayings, please check her book "Comfortable with Uncertainty." I also highly recommend "Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior" by Chogyam Trungpa, because what you are asking about is the path of warriorship.  – April 27, 2011 12:50 PM  Are there useful "after breakup discussions" that can happen between a couple to analyze what went wrong and perhaps even, after a cooling off period, seeing if there might even be a resolution that would allow the couple to re-unite and try again?  I think it is different for each couple. What I can say is that taking each step, one at a time, is what is useful,rather than analyzing what went wrong with an agenda, even if the agenda is to reunite. Instead, if both are willing, talk to each other in order to learn as an end in itself. And then see where that takes you... Good luck!! Susan  – April 27, 2011 12:52 PM  Susan, thank you so, so much for being with us today. Your insights and hard-won wisdom are greatly appreciated. Awesome of you to share!
Has your heart been broken? Author Susan Piver will join On Love's Ellen McCarthy to discuss her latest book