With one of its rulings the Supreme Court mandated federal recognition of gay couples married in places that permit it; with another, it reopened the door to same-sex marriage in California, our most populous state. These practical consequences are huge.  But the two decisions together also have another kind of effect, deeply emotional, potently symbolic and impossible to measure â but arguably much more sweeping. Like all that happens at the highest levels of our government, like all the judgments rendered and statements made by the officials chosen to guide us, the courtâs actions set a tone. They send a signal. They alter the climate of whatâs considered just and whatâs not, of whatâs permissible and whatâs intolerable, and that change ripples into every last corner of American life, shaping peopleâs very destinies.  This was hammered home to me by the time I spent recently with a mother, a father and a brother who have known terrible heartbreak and, in its aftermath, spent no shortage of time thinking about the messages that gay Americans receive from the laws and the leaders of our land.  Their surname, Clementi, is probably familiar to you. So is much of their story, though maybe not the current chapter.  In September 2010, Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old freshman at Rutgers University in New Jersey, hurled himself from the George Washington Bridge.  And in the months following his suicide, the pain preceding it came into disturbing, shameful focus. Heâd been harassed online by his college roommate, who had deemed his homosexuality worthy of taunts and titters. Heâd worried about his motherâs comfort with his desires, his identity. He was a young man filled with dreams but also with a special set of concerns, with the knowledge that a fundamental part of who he was would cause some people to look down on him and others to reject him.  Is that why he jumped? Thereâs no way to know. âSuicide is an irrational action, so to try to rationalize it I donât think can really be done,â his father, Joe Clementi, said to me.  Even so, Joe and his wife, Jane, along with one of their two surviving sons, James, have dedicated themselves to educating people about the problems that perhaps conspired in Tylerâs fate.  Through public speaking, lobbying and other work with the Tyler Clementi Foundation, theyâre trying to stop young people from hurting one another, and theyâre trying to call out aspects of American life that pass judgment on LGBT people and make some of them, teenagers especially, feel fear and despair.  The Defense of Marriage Act, a central provision of which the Supreme Court struck down on Wednesday, was one of those aspects. Jane said that she didnât see this clearly before Tylerâs suicide but that she did after, when she left her evangelical church over its opposition to gay marriage and its other anti-gay stances.  âItâs not only people who can intimidate and harass,â she told me during a conversation at the Clementisâ home in Ridgewood, N.J. âItâs institutions. Itâs legislation. With laws the way they are, weâre teaching that thereâs a group of individuals who are âless thanâ others.â  The haters are thus given license, and the hated are further isolated. âAnd you never know,â said Joe, âwhere a person is at their particular point in life and what could drive them to a bad decision or to taking a wrong step.â  Heâs right, and thatâs why it mattered when President Obama mentioned Stonewall in his second Inaugural Address, putting heroes of the gay-rights movement on a par with heroes of any other.  Thatâs why it matters that he hasnât yet signed an executive order demanding that federal contractors not discriminate against gays and lesbians in hiring. Heâs indulging, and thus excusing, possible bigotry.  As for the Supreme Court, it didnât go as far on Wednesday as it theoretically could have, nor did it speak in a unanimous voice. The journey toward full equality for LGBT Americans is a long way from over.  But what happened was progress. It was hope.  James Clementi, Tylerâs brother, is himself gay, and he told me on the phone on Wednesday afternoon that he felt different than he had a day earlier. He felt more included.  Jane said that while the courtâs rulings in the DOMA and Prop 8 cases were âjust a start,â they affirmed her belief in âthe trajectory of where weâre going.â They might even save lives, she said.  From what sheâs lost and from what sheâs learned, she knows that there are many wounded and fretful young gay people out there, along with many straight peers who may or may not decide that itâs O.K. to ridicule them. And thereâs a chance, a crucial and wonderful chance, that the ripples from Wednesday will reach and teach all of them.
The rulings on gay marriage have consequences beyond the law, as Tyler Clementiâs heartbroken but hopeful family can attest.