Dear Eva,I’ve been single for a year or so now and trying out online dating for nine months. I’m a 35-year-old man and while not the best-looking guy on Earth, I don’t believe I’m hideous either. Yet on the various websites I have tried I am completely unable to elicit even a cursory response from a woman.  I have tweaked my profile with the help of an online forum with expertise in this area, and I send profile-specific messages to everyone I contact. But not a single woman has ever replied. I don’t only message really good-looking ladies, in fact I tried it with women who are very far from it and I still get nothing. Well, I got two messages when I sent out a request that someone reply to me to check that I actually exist.  I am beginning to think that I have overrated my own appearance and that I must be hideously ugly. What’s going on?  Before you write off the possibility that you’ll ever love (and be loved) again, consider this: a year is not a very long time to be on your own. It’s not always fun, but it’s not such a long time. When you’ve been coupled up for a long period of time, it can take a while in the aftermath, not only to process the grief of the breakup, but to get reacquainted with yourself as an individual, what you want and need and what makes you happy. Your preoccupation with appearances makes me think that may be the case.  There’s no question that people with “conventional” good looks do better in online dating, in terms of the sheer number of messages that they get, but does that mean that they make better partners? Maybe they’re fun and kind and loving. Maybe they’re mean and boring. A photo is just an introduction, after all.  Two pieces of advice for you, here: one, get a friend to go over your profile photos with you and make sure that you’re using the best ones. I can’t tell you how many men have asked me to critique profiles that feature photos in which they’re pulling funny faces, hanging out with large groups of women, hanging out with drugged panthers, at their own weddings (I’m not suggesting that you’re using your wedding photos, but just saying – it’s a thing).  Two: take a moment to carefully consider the criteria that you’re applying to women you approach online, and how you’re going about approaching them. Is it possible that your preoccupation with whether they’re “really good-looking ladies” or “very far from it” might be flavoring your messages? If so, then I’d suggest that you take a bit of a break until you’re ready to get to know a whole person.
Swipe Right is our advice column that tackles the tricky world of online dating. This week: A man fears that his looks may be letting him down