Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Statement Analysis and Romance: Part One, The Setting
There are not only specific linguistic indicators within romance that are revelatory, but there are principles which we apply, including one specific principle that cannot be overlooked:
The shifting of language over time.
In 1981, President Reagan was challenged on a point in a debate in which he was on shaky ground. He finally said to his opponent, "Google it and you'll know that I am correct in what I say!"
Language shifts and there are new words added, and some old words subtracted, and there are words which change over time.
Recent examples: "He is making love to me" in the 1930's or 1940's meant that the man was saying words to a woman in which he was attempting to win her over. Today, it is used to reference sexual intercourse. This is a change, just as much as, "I feel so gay, today" means something different, in just one generation, than it did earlier in time.
Context should include era. See above faux quote of Ronald Reagan.
We must consider that the subject has spoken or written with the intention of being understood. This is the crux of communication: the hope and/or belief that the transmission of information will be precisely understood, as intended.
It is when one intends deception that the language often reveals them.
Facebook has given a wealth of information to psychology, profiling and linguistics. In this, some will:
a. Use Facebook to update disjointed family. The user posts pictures of the children, for example, that the grandparents, living far away, are able to instantly enjoy, along with aunts, uncles and friends, who may be also living far away from the user.
b. Business advertising. I post on Facebook various articles here, which is then able to catch the eye of business professionals and law enforcement to hire me for training, or analysis. I also enjoy looking up business' FB pages and am able to compliment, for example, a customer service that was a positive experience, and share this with the public.
c. Connection with friends, especially from the past.
d. Connection with people of similar interests, such as high school reunions, sports teams, fanciers, and so on.
e. Some use FB and other social media to meet potential love interests.
For many, Face Book is a tool to reach the public.
This is key.
Remember: if someone wanted to have the information sent to another kept private, they could do that just as easily; therefore...
We take careful note of context especially in the realm of romance and can ask:
Why is this person posting a highly personal message to another in a most public of means?
It makes for interest, but we will save that for profiling later. It is done by the language, but within the context.
Let's begin with Statement Analysis and the painful posts that frequently arise, even here in our comments section, when one seeks answers. Let's also presume the poster is seeking an honest answer, rather than holding court over readers, who may have an agenda behind the posts.
Is he lying to me?
Google will quickly reveal an endless posting of "12 Steps to Know He is Lying to You" and often contain such things as:
Does he hide his phone from you?
Does he become nervous when you look at his text messages?
Does he seem to have lost interest in you?
Has he suddenly become interested in losing weight?
Has he bought new clothes lately?
Is he suddenly dressing much younger?
Did he buy new cologne?
...you likely have come across these things. Some may be helpful and some may not be. Far better is to learn to analyze words by listening carefully.
When we examine the pain of deception, it will make sense that there is an entire industry dedicated to lies within romance. I even saw a husband and wife team of psychologists who wrote a book about their affairs and how much stronger "your" marriage will be from an affair. They are literally lying to one another, and then lying to the public, in order to cash in. There are many such sites that for a fee you will be advised on how to handle the heartbreak.
The romantically deceived are often most vulnerable for snake oil peddlers to cash in on them.
Sadly, this is reminiscent to the vulnerability of families of missing persons who find that 'psychics' from Facebook descend upon them in their weakness. I am unable to enter into even a reasonably full picture of what it must be like to not know where my son or daughter is. Hour after hour, frightened by the unknown, only to get an email from someone who said, "I have heard from your son...he is alone, and he is afraid and he..."
The words of psychics show deception. The words do not flow from experiential memory. They flow from things they have read or heard, are often reveal a very psychologically damaged person in desperate need of relevancy, who, with incredible selfishness, do not care how badly they might hurt someone, as long as they feel 'important' and part of a case. It is cruelty to some of the most vulnerable people in the world. Thus I find some of the snake oil peddlers who prey upon the broken hearted to be in the same category as these deceptive ghouls who think they have "gnostic-like" hidden knowledge that no one else has, and can't be taught. Whether they call themselves "intuitive" or outright say "Let me process your credit card and I will communicate with your dead mother..." makes no difference: they are deceivers.
The person who has been damaged in romance by deception is also vulnerable. Before we get to how vulnerable, let's define a few terms first, so we are on the same playing field.
Facebook has caused a new need for definition. Like President Clinton's personal subjective internal definition of "sexual relations", we need to put cheating and lying into context for us.
Let's go basic:
Lying or deception is when one intends to deceive the other, either using words, or by leaving out words. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, will be our basic standard. This means that one who brings additional information to the table in order to divert attention away, is called a "deceiver" since we are seeing his intent to change the topic away from the sensitive or relevant topic.
The truth, the entire truth, with nothing left out, along with nothing but the truth, that is, nothing added for any purpose of even distraction, is our standard.
Facebook has given an entire new realm of definitions of cheating. For some, flirting is not cheating, while others insist that cheating is sexual contact.
We will use a much simpler context instead.
Any contact that fills an emotional, intellectual or physical need with one of the opposite sex which rightfully belongs to your spouse but is given to another will be cheating. Therefore, texting, sexting, holding hands, kissing, and so on, do not need to be debated. If it hurts, it hurts.
If a married couple is discussing divorce, and are no longer together as husband and wife, but still under the same room, neither will be "surprised" by the other having contact with potential love interests: this means the expectation is very low. It may still hurt, but it is not the same hurt when one is in utter shock at deception.
Next, let's look at the damage to the victim of deceit.
Let's assume that the expectation is fidelity. The reason I am using this to clarify is because in a broken marriage, the couple may not have an expectation of one another, therefore, one may "go out" on the other, but there is not the element of shock.
The element of shock is what is identified by studies as being the single most devastating issue.
Recall in previous articles the anecdote of journaling. For those unfamiliar with this, it goes back to a story of a writer from the 1920's. He had found good success in his career, loved his wife, got along well, and had raised children who were now out on their own.
He learned that his wife was having a romantic affair with a woman, and was stunned.
The shock was such that he was unable to process it, and was "stuck" in despair. Psychologists call this shock the "atom bomb" of marriage, where the victim, if he had no clue, was in a position where he had no discernible warning signs.
The lack of warning signs significantly added to the trauma.
This is in contrast to those who "could read the writing on the wall", or had been fighting with their spouse, or had drifted apart (and so on). These experience acute pain, but the trauma is often more successfully treated when there has been "time to prepare" via the hints, or the arguments, distance, and so on.
This man loved his wife, and after being with her for 30 years, thought she loved him, was content, and did not know there was a problem, nor did he know, or would ever have believed, that she was attracted to a female.
The trauma to the brain was such that he could not process it.
He felt that his whole world was a lie, that every holiday was a lie, and that every photo, even every good time they spent together was a lie.
He felt not only "no reason to live" but felt a powerful self loathing and wanted to not just kill himself, but to "destroy himself." (This is why the method of suicide is relevant, as some wish to no longer live, and find peaceful means to die, while others, in self-loathing, want to harm themselves first, with violence to 'punish' himself, before death). Hanging, by rope, is often a 'violent' outworking of self loathing, for example, while overdosing on pills is often more a passive, depressed type (without rage) where the victim barely feels enough energy to put the water to the mouth to swallow the lethal pills.
All of this can be seen in the language prior to the suicide, or sometimes in the suicide note.
Back to the writer.
He had found his entire self worth in his love for his wife, his children and his work. He believed he was a success. He had a solid marriage with his wife, well governed adult children, and a successful career.
When the center of his life was taken from him, he felt not just worthlessness, but disgust of self, so much that he felt that he deserved to die.
He packed up a few things and went to the family's cabin in the woods where he planned to shoot himself in the head.
He made the decision that he owed his grown children an explanation. In the midst of the trauma, he thought of his children, and even though the impact upon them was not enough to stop him, it did, at least, slow him down.
He began to write...and as he wrote, he thought of more and more of his life; his autobiography, to which he felt was important for his kids to hear.
By the end of the night, he was not even close to finished. He went to sleep, woke up, and began his next portion...
over the course of several days, he wrote out his life, in factual detail, and then on to what he experienced, and specifically, the shock and pain of the trauma.
He found that the overwhelming desire to destroy himself passed, and what was left was terrible sadness, still plenty of shock, but the desire to destroy himself, which was overwhelming, was now 'manageable.'
He was able to live.
Since that time, psychologists have long seen the value of journaling through pain. Specifically, what appears to be the most successful writing therapy is done in two parts:
1. The facts
2 The pain
1. The facts. The subject is instructed to write out, in great detail, what happened. For many, this means starting "from the beginning", wherever that may be, it is chosen by the subject. This brings a sense of 'control' to one who's life is 'out of control.' This person writes facts, but refrains from the impact of the facts.
2. The pain.
The writer now turns his or her direction back to the facts of what happened, and specifically what damage the facts did. This is what is believed to help alleviate the 'pressure of unresolved trauma' on the brain.
As we continue to set the stage for romantic deception and heart ache, and what the language will indicate, we must know:
1. That language shifts over time, and we must be willing to shift with it.
2. That medium for language also changes, including abbreviations and phonetic spelling.
3. Statement Analysis can be successfully applied to all of these
4. Deception in Romantic relationships can be lethal.
5. The trauma is directly related to the degree of preparation, or lack of preparation, of the victim.
6. The greater the shock, the more severe the damage. This is due to the expectation between the couple.
7. Language reveals intent and intent to deceive is picked up by sensitivity indicators taken in context.
In response, if you would like to post specific statements used, do so "anonymously" in the comments section.
This first section should show that those who are deceived in a trusted legally bound relationship (a good marriage) suffer trauma.
The victim of the deception was unaware of the cheater's activities and the cheater does not want out of the marriage. He wants his wife but he also wants his affairs. This goes both ways in gender.
The victim is often:
a. left feeling hopeless
b. self esteem through the floor
c. no self worth
d. males often report devastated confidence
e. females often report devastated self image
f. suicidal ideation
g. suicide attempts, often violent
h. depression, anxiety
Those who were shocked by their spouse's affair report the day they learned or confronted the wayward spouse commonly as "D Day", which is something we will reference repeatedly.
In the months and years after "D Day":
most marriages end
the victim's immune system is compromised whether or not the the marriage stayed in tact
men report downturns in their careers, as they 'stumble'
women report more willingness to seek professional intervention, including medication
"Retaliation affairs" generally lead to divorce
Men report "retaliation affairs" gave them self respect while women more often report that it made them feel "ugly" and "dirty" and not good about themselves.
Victims may resort to substance abuse
Both genders as victims report weight change; men stop eating, for example.
This part is a bit tricky but anecdotal evidence suggests a strongly negative impact upon the children both while the couple remains together, and afterwards.
When the children learn, they often demonize the parent, or blame the victim for "causing" the affair. In any case, they are impacted negatively.
All of these elements come out in the language.
Next up: D-Day and the "Trickle Truth"