Few sandbox moments are more stressful than when your otherwise very sweet two year old bites a playmate that dared to touch his digger. I can only credit luck with the fact that I never had a biter. Both of my kids were bitten by other kids, but for some reason they never did the biting. Phew.
It had nothing to do with my parenting skills.
Biting is a very “normal” toddler behavior. When you have a lot of thoughts racing through your head but struggle to verbalize those thoughts, you do what whatever it takes to get your needs met.
Toddler biting is not an indicator of future aggressive behavior and it can be extinguished fairly easily.
Below are some tips to help your toddler stop biting:
1. Write it down: I know; writing down the circumstances under which your child decided to take a bite out of another is not your top priority in the moment. But you can do it later. While biting is often the result of frustration due to a language barrier/communication issue, it can be due to hunger, exhaustion, teething, boredom, or needing a little extra adult attention. Keeping a journal of the events for a few days will help you determine the pattern of behavior. Once you can pinpoint possible causes, you can take steps to avoid those triggers.
2. Be firm, avoid hysteria: No one wants to be the parent of the biter. Shock, embarrassment, and fear of judgment can cause parents to sound the alarm and overreact. Say a firm “no biting” followed by “biting hurts”. Avoid lengthy explanations, as these will be lost on a toddler. Help your child apologize to the other child and move on. Toddlers bite sometimes; try not to let it stress you out. Repeat offender? Remove your child from the situation and try again another day. The behavior is an indicator of something (see #1). Sticking around despite frequent biting is generally not a good idea.
3. Snacks & sleep: Exhaustion and hunger are common culprits when it comes to biting and other aggressive behaviors. Make sure your child is well slept with a full belly before heading out for a play date or an afternoon at the park. Always bring extra snacks and water. Toddlers generally don’t stop to tell you that they are hungry, thirsty, or tired. Stay a step ahead and leave when you see exhaustion setting in.
4. Provide close supervision: Toddlers require close supervision. I often see parents walk away when they see their children busy in the sandbox or engaged with other kids at the park. Stay focused on your toddler when around other kids, particularly if your child has a tendency to bite. You need to be there to intervene and teach your child alternatives. You can’t do that if you aren’t supervising your child.
5. Sharing starts at home: It always amazes me when parents seem to think that their toddlers should just know how to share. Praise acts of sharing (whether it’s feeding you a cracker or sharing a toy) at home and call it what it is. Point it out when you share something. Kids arguing over the same toy? Set a timer so that each child gets two minutes at a time with that toy. Sharing does not come overnight and can be very difficult to do at the park. Practice makes better.
6. Teach baby sign language: Toddlers often become frustrated when they are unable to verbalize their thoughts and needs. Baby sign language has been shown to decrease frustration in toddlers and increase verbal skills. It’s a win/win. Riley used 14 signs at a year; Liam stuck to his 6 favorites. They were both able to communicate frustration and ask for help.
7. Teach alternatives: To some degree, toddlers truly don’t know any better. But that doesn’t mean that you should just let it slide. Teach alternative behaviors so that your child knows what to do when frustrated, scared, or in need of help. Liam learned to pick up his toys and move to another space if he needed time to play alone. He’s also not afraid to speak up and ask to go home if he’s overwhelmed. Yes, kids need to share. But they also have the right to play independently if that’s what calms them down.
8. Provide special time: Kids often engage in negative behavior when they need a little extra attention from a parent. It’s part of being a toddler. Make sure you have some special time each day where your child can count on you to focus on him. Reading, drawing together, art projects, and puzzles are all great opportunities to make the most of quiet play time and really spend time together. Needing a little extra TLC is very normal part of toddlerhood, and often providing that special time helps increase positive behaviors and extinguish negative ones.
Two quick things to avoid when dealing with biting: Never shame your child and never (I mean never) bite back. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there advocating for these negative strategies. Please avoid these.
Has your child ever bitten another?