Michael Grose is one of Australia’s leading parenting writers and presenters. Michael has appeared on television programs such as The Today Show, Sunrise and The Morning Show and regularly comments on family matters on radio around Australia. He was also the first person to conduct a parenting seminar for our nations' leaders. Here, 9Mums presents an extract from his latest book on how to build resilience in our children.
Some kids are resilient by nature – their temperament helps them to be mentally and psychologically tough. You know those kids. They get straight back up after a setback or disappointment. Rejection in the playground doesn’t faze them. They are flexible enough to cope with changes such as moving from one school to another. They keep working hard in school even if they don’t succeed at first. They have a resilient spirit.
Unfortunately, not every child has such natural resilience. The good news is that most of the research on the subject indicates that resilience can be nurtured and developed, particularly when parents themselves are resilient and actively foster this characteristic in their kids.
Resilient kids share four basic skills: autonomy, problem solving, optimism and social connection. There are many ways parents can develop these skills in their children, but perhaps the easiest and most accessible way is to allow kids to fully contribute to their family. By developing your child’s self-help skills, you will promote independence and resourcefulness in them.
Children’s life experiences contribute to their resilience
The seemingly small disappointments that kids experience – not being invited to a party, missing being picked in a sports team, not achieving success in a school project the first time – help them learn to cope with hardship and frustration. Coping with minor development issues such as change, sibling conflict and even failure build up a psychological hardiness that will help them when they face some of life’s big challenges in adolescence and beyond.
That means that you, as a parent, need to resist sorting out your children’s social problems for them; rather, you need to skill them up to solve their own friendship challenges. Sometimes parents can create problems by interfering in children’s disputes. From the resilience perspective you are better off coaching kids through some of their more challenging moments and reviewing what they may have learned for next time.
You also need to put children and young people in situations where they need to draw on their resourcefulness. Camps and adventure activities are great ways for kids to stretch themselves and test their problem-solving and coping skills. My second daughter, Emma (she of the Danish Adventure), believes that a ten-day adventure camp she went on as a fourteen-year-old was the defining event of her early adolescence. It involved real physical endeavour, which stretched her to the limits, literally bringing her to tears on many occasions. It was the first time she realised that she could cope with being separated from her friends and family as well as the comforts of home. While away in Denmark she frequently drew on the coping skills she had learned on her ten-day camp to overcome homesickness and deal with the challenges of living in an unfamiliar environment for such a long time.
Seven resilience robbers and what to do instead
Sometimes, despite your best intentions, old parenting habits can actually feed children’s fears and anxiety.
Check out the following common parenting mistakes that reduce children’s resilience.
Robber #1: Fight all their battles for them
There’s nothing wrong with going in to bat when kids struggle or meet with difficulty inside or outside school, but make sure this is the last resort, not the first option.
Resilience alternative: Give kids the opportunity to develop their own resourcefulness.
Robber #2: Make their problem, your problem
Sometimes parents take too much responsibility for issues that are really up to children to work out or decide. We put jumpers on them even when they don’t feel the cold, remind them to return library books and wake them in the morning when they are capable of getting themselves up.
Resilience alternative: Make their problem, their problem.
Robber #3: Give kids too much voice
In this era of giving children a voice it is easy to go overboard and allow them too much of a say in what happens to them. Kids often take the easy option to avoid hard or unpleasant situations.
Resilience alternative: Make decisions for kids and expect them to adjust and cope.
Robber #4: Put unrealistic or relentless pressure on kids to perform
Expectations about success and achievement are important. Too low and kids will too easily meet them. Too high and kids can give up. Too much and kids can experience anxiety.
Resilience alternative: Keep expectations in line with children’s abilities and don’t put excessive pressure on them.
Robber #5: Let kids give in too easily
Resilient learners link success with effort. They don’t give up because they don’t like a teacher or when confronted with complex activities. Similarly they don’t bail out of a sporting team halfway through the season because the team is not winning or they are not enjoying it.
Resilience alternative: Encourage kids to complete what they have started even if the results aren’t perfect.
Robber #6: Neglect to develop independence
Don’t wait until they are teenagers to develop the skills of independent living. Start early and promote a broad skillset so that they can look after themselves if you are not around.
Resilience alternative: Don’t routinely do for kids what they can do for themselves.
Robber #7: Rescue kids from challenging or stressful situations
There are many times kids are put in situations outside their comfort zone for a period. For instance, giving a talk, singing at the school concert or going on school camp may be challenges for some kids. They are all situations that kids usually cope with, so show your confidence in them and skill them up rather than opt for avoidance.
Resilience alternative: Teach kids that overcoming challenges enables them to grow and improve.