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It all begins with you. From birth, your baby will look to you to meet his needs. At first, these will be food and comfort. Gradually, though, as he becomes more alert, he will want more attention and stimulation.
You are your baby's first playmate and his favourite person. He will rely on you for his every need in life: love, food, comfort, and learning. He will delight at the sound of your voice, the sight of your face, and the touch of your hand.
Your baby's feelings of security with you will give him the confidence to start developing deeper relationships with others. With your help, he will begin to enjoy their company, too. This is how your baby will develop his social skills.
When will my baby develop social skills?From the moment he's born, your baby will start to learn to respond and adapt to the people around him (Murray and Andrews 2005).
During his first year, his focus will be on discovering what he can do, such as picking up objects, walking, and chatting and playing with you. He'll enjoy seeing other people, but will definitely prefer his parents for company.
Around the time he turns two years old, he will begin to enjoy playing with other children (Sheridan 2008). But as with any other skill, he will need to learn how to socialise by trial and error. At first, he will be unable to share his toys (Sheridan 2008). Later, he'll learn how to empathise with his playmates. By three years old, he'll be on his way to making real friends.
How does socialisation develop?One month
Even newborns are social creatures. Your baby will love to be touched, held, cooed to, and smiled at (NHS nd, Murray and Andrews 2005, Sheridan 2008).
As early as the first month, your baby may begin to experiment with making faces at you. He'll enjoy watching your face and may mimic some of your gestures (Meltzoff and Moore 2002, Sheridan 2008). Stick out your tongue and watch as he does the same (ICAN 2007, Murray and Andrews 2005).
At this age, when you hold your baby in your arms, you will naturally be holding him about 20cm to 30cm from your face. When your baby is born, this is the distance at which he can best focus. Nature is ensuring that yours is the first face he will recognise.
By two months, your baby will spend his waking hours watching what goes on around him. He may even flash his first gorgeous smile, a momentous and heart-warming moment for you (Sheridan 2008).
Your baby will become an expert at "smile talk", starting a conversation with you by sending a smile your way and gurgling at the same time (Murray and Andrews 2005). Be sure to respond to him and take turns playing the game.
Your baby will also enjoy playing face-to-face games with you, for example, playing boo, or being tickled under the chin repeatedly (Murray and Andrews 2005).
Four months to five months
Your baby's becoming more open to new people, and greets them with squeals and glee. Still, no one comes close to mum or dad. Your baby will reserve his most enthusiastic reaction for you. This is a sure sign that you have bonded with each other.
Six months to 12 months
As your baby becomes more mobile, he may start to take an interest in other babies (Sheridan 2008). He'll happily play alongside another baby, and once in a while, they'll smile and coo, and imitate each other's sounds. But they'll mainly be preoccupied with the task in front of them and won't actually play together yet. You, or perhaps an older brother or sister, will be your baby's best playmate for some time to come.
At about seven months, you may notice that your baby starts to become wary of unfamiliar people and becomes anxious if he can't see you (Sheridan 2008). If he gets upset when you leave him alone or give him to others to hold, try to stay close by. In time, he will become more independent and willing to explore the world around him with you at hand to reassure him.
Towards the end of his first year, you and your baby will have developed a strong attachment. However, there may be times when he becomes angry or frustrated when you are not at his side.
Separation anxiety often peaks some time between 10 months and 18 months, but can appear anywhere between six months and 20 months (Sheridan 2008). Your baby will prefer you to hold him, and may get upset when you're not around.
13 months to 23 months
Your toddler is interested in the world, but mainly in how everything in it relates to him. As your child learns to talk and communicate with others, he'll also learn to make friends. He'll enjoy the company of other children now, both his age and older. He will play alongside children at this age rather than play with them. That comes later.
At about 18 months, your toddler will show he's aware of another child's distress if they are crying or upset (Sheridan 2008). He may be uncertain how to respond, though.
Your toddler will be fiercely protective of his toys. Learning to share takes longer, which can be difficult for parents to manage at times (Sheridan 2008).
You may also notice your toddler imitating you and his friends, and spending lots of time watching what they do. He'll also want to assert his independence. He may refuse to hold your hand when you walk down a street, or throw a tantrum when you say no to something he wants to do (Sheridan 2008).
24 months to 36 months
Between the ages of two years old and three years old, your toddler will understand love and trust. He will be able to show affection now (Sheridan 2008). However, he isn't yet able to put himself in other people's shoes or understand that other people have feelings, too. But your toddler is becoming better at sharing his toys, and is likely to label all his playmates as friends (Sheridan 2008).
As your child grows, he'll learn how to share and take turns, and may even have one or two special friends he prefers over others.
He will also be developing language rapidly. As a result, he will copy phrases and words that you use to him directly and also what you say in front of him generally – both good and bad! Language is an essential part of communication and socialisation.
How can I encourage my baby's social skills?Spend lots of face-to-face time with your baby, especially in the first few months. This will help you get to know him and tune into his needs. He'll love the attention you give him and will enjoy making faces with you (Sheridan 2008). Also invite friends and relatives over. Your baby will love visitors, young and old alike, especially when they are friendly and give him lots of attention.
If your baby shows signs of separation anxiety, don't be upset or embarrassed. Be kind and patient. It's a sign of how much your baby loves you. Babies normally become nervous around unfamiliar people at around seven months (Sheridan 2008).
If he cries when you put him in an unfamiliar relative's arms, take him back and try a slow desensitisation process. First wait until he is comfortable in your arms while the other person is around. Then, have the person talk and play with your baby while you hold him. Then, hand him over to the other person for a short time, and stay close.
Finally, try to leave the room for a few minutes, and see how it goes. If your baby starts crying or becomes distressed, take him back and comfort him, and try again another time. Your baby will gradually learn to regulate his emotions. He'll come to realise that even though he may feel upset or disappointed, it won’t last forever. He will also learn that there are people (usually you, his parent) who will help him to contain his strong emotions (Douglas, 2010).
Toddlers can benefit from having peers around, so arrange to have friends over to play. Make sure you have plenty of toys for everyone as children this age have difficulty sharing things with others. Be prepared to intervene when disagreements over toys develop.
You could also join a playgroup, or a music or baby gym class. This will give your baby a chance to be with other children and eventually he'll learn how to make and keep friends.
My baby isn't interested in other people. Should I be concerned?You may want to walk to your doctor or health visitor if:
- By the time your baby is one year old, he seems uninterested in relating to anyone except you and your partner, even if you try to draw him out.
- He doesn't even want to interact with you by the time he's one year old.
- When he's aged between one year old and three years old, he seems overly aggressive and can't spend time with other children without biting, hitting, or pushing them.
Your baby's behaviour may arise out of fears or insecurities. Your health visitor may be able to suggest ways to handle them and meet his needs.
Some toddlers go through a period when they can't seem to resist biting their playmates. This is usually because your toddler is exploring new activities and sensations, and finding out what he is allowed to do.
Stay calm and tell your toddler a simple, but firm, "no" and remove him from the situation. Praise your child when he is playing nicely to help encourage good behaviour. This should sort out the problem.
While all children are unfriendly to others sometimes, especially when they're fighting over toys, it's unusual for them to be aggressive all the time. Their mood is more to do with the fact that they are learning to explore and express different behaviour.
Last reviewed: June 2014
ReferencesDouglas, H. 2010. Supporting emotional health and wellbeing: the Solihull Approach. Community Practitioner, 83(8).
ICAN. 2007. Stages of speech and language development: a guide for early years practitioners. www.ican.org.uk [pdf file, accessed May 2014]
Meltzoff, A.N. and Moore M.K. 2002. 1983, Imitation of facial and manual gestures by human neonates. Science, 198:75-78
Murray L and Andrews L. 2005. The social baby: understanding babies' communication from birth. Richmond, Surrey: CP Publishing
Sheridan M. 2008. From birth to five years: children's developmental progress. London: Routledge