WILBRAHAM – Parents need to empathize with their children before they can help them solve problems, Dr. Christopher Overtree, director of the Psychological Services Center at UMass Amherst said.
Overtree gave a workshop Wednesday night at the Minnechaug Regional High School Media Center.
The workshop on teen decision making was sponsored by the Hampden-Wilbraham Regional School District Safe Schools/Healthy students grant.
Gina Kahn, Risk Prevention Services Coordinator for the school district, said that the end of the school year and beginning of summer can be a challenging time for adolescents and their parents.
Overtree said that adolescents are seeking autonomy and parents have to realize there are things they can control and things they cannot control.
Even with young children it is more effective to expose children to a variety of foods to get them to eat their vegetables than to tell them vegetables are good for you.
“Autonomy will win out over broccoli,” if parents just say that vegetables are good for you, Overtree said.
Parents should realize that parenting an adolescent is a stage of development for them as well as their children, Overtree said.
If a child is resisting taking action to advance to a new stage such as writing his college application essays, it is useful to realize where the child is – whether he is not yet acknowledging that he needs to take action or if he is determined to take action.
Overtree said that adolescents should be given some freedom to fail, but not enough that they end up derailed in life or incarcerated.
“Challenges are opportunities,” Overtree said. He added that resistance to parental authority is normal.
Parents should be seeking to “empower kids, not to control them,” he said.
To motivate change, parents should express empathy with children of all ages and respect their autonomy.
He added that parents are more effective if they have a lot of “micro-conversations” with their teens, rather than seeking to have one long conversation.
If you need to take away the car keys of a child who has been drinking, be confident about your action, Overtree advised.
“Part of your job is to keep your adolescents safe,” he said.
All people have the same basic needs, Overtree said. He described those needs as survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun.
Sometimes they need to change their behavior to better meet their needs, he added.