CAMBRIDGE, Ma. – While Millennials account for just twenty-two percent of the U.S. population, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology say that in the age of COVID-19, Millennials are consuming far more oxygen than the earth is capable of producing.
“Current trends show Millennials are on track to inhale upwards of twenty-five tons of oxygen per year -more than twice the global average,” explained Dr. Ross E. Geller, the study’s chief researcher. Geller, who holds a PhD in paleontology from Columbia University, warned that oxygen consumption in the United States alone has risen by more than 700% since February.
Due to social distancing guidelines and stay-at-home orders, Millennials -often referred to as the Privileged Generation- are leaving their apartments in droves, gallivanting through otherwise deserted streets and neighborhoods, and assembling in parks and other public spaces for the purpose of exercising, socializing, and other “extracurricular” activities such as vaping and dog walking.
“Our planet only produces so much oxygen per year,” said Dr. Gordon Freeman, an MIT alumni and researcher who holds a PhD in theoretical physics. “Millennials nowadays have so much free time on their hands due to COVID-“19, and, as we’re seeing, the vast majority of the ‘elitist generation’ insist on being outdoors where they’re sucking up sixty to seventy percent of the world’s oxygen supply.”
As scientists race to find a solution to the Millennial question, experts say older generations may soon find themselves short on oxygen. “Those in the greater and greatest generations could be inhaling close to 100% carbon dioxide by the end of the year,” Dr. Geller predicted. However, younger generations such as Z and Alpha are known to have much smaller lungs than full grown adults and therefore require very little, if any, oxygen to survive.