When there is a communication breakdown, couples are at risk for violence. Agitation over a conflict can escalate toward an irrational state of rage. When it reaches that point, base impulses to hurt or hurt back overtake human sensibility. Regrettable words are spoken, and regrettable actions take place.
Taking a timeout before things get too intense is a violence-prevention measure. Couples and families make a detailed dispersion plan. Like a fire drill, the plan is rehearsed or at least discussed ahead of time. All must agree to disperse when timeout is called. The difference between an agreed upon plan and one partner just leaving without a word during a fiery episode is that the latter leaves the one(s) left feeling abandoned. This is not so with an agreed upon plan.
The following are time-out elements you can use to avoid any hurtful aggression.
First, learn to recognize your internal reactions to tension. Do you experience a sense of hopeless frustration or rising tension? Do you start to yell? Interrupt? Monitor yourself internally for these signals. Internal tension in areas such as your neck, back or stomach will help notify you when you must use the timeout call. If practiced consistently, you will improve in your decisions to disperse by more quickly recognizing the internal signals of rage.
Second, when either partner calls for a timeout, both must agree. Both must be immediately quiet (no last words) and leave the area. The plan should designate a safe place within the home for each partner to go. No one is to intrude in another's place. Going for a walk outside is OK. Leaving in a car is not OK unless the destination has been mutually approved as a neutral place. Turning to a relative, friend, alcohol or drugs is not a neutral choice. A partner who leaves by car must agree to return at a designated time that is set in advance. A length of time to cool down is predetermined in the plan.
Third, make timeouts productive. It is quiet time to think about what is not right and what you want instead. The most helpful conflict resolution approach is to say, "What I want is ...." Skip the complaints. Each partner should reflect on what his or her role was in the argument. Each partner should plan how to apologize, making sure each person solidly admits his or her error.
When the partners (and family) come back together, they should take turns sharing what they thought about. Most importantly, a timeout must end on a positive note. Mutual compromises, understanding each other, proposals to solve issues, even agreements to disagree to end the fight are all extremely important to keep goodwill.
If there are children present, they need to have a safe place to go during conflicts. Their place should be designated ahead of time. Thus, family members should be asked to take timeout whether or not eruptions include them. Even when they are not part of the problem, they need to feel safe. When time out is likened to a fire drill, children will feel secure in knowing what to do with themselves during conflict resolutions. Parents should admit they are having a disagreement and reassure children that they will work it out.
Parents need to maintain their authority. They are the only ones who can call a timeout. They need to stay calm, especially if a child is the problem. If a parent calls a timeout, children and parents should disperse. Establish rewards to be given when timeout is obeyed and consequences when it is not. This system needs to be spelled out ahead, when the timeout procedure is being planned.
Barbara Lonsdorf is a licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical social worker and professional counselor. She can be reached at 715-842-2444 or at Elmergreen Associates at 715-845-7175.