In a speech before the General Assembly this week, United Nations Secretary General António Guterres warned global leaders that the world may one day run out of Middle Eastern countries to invade.
“While as recently as the 1980s there still was a variety of fresh Middle Eastern nations to invade, those numbers are rapidly dwindling,” said Guterres. “If international tensions continue to rise, our scientists predict that there may not be any uninvaded countries left by the year 2030.”
Guterres called on world leaders to preserve Earth’s remaining non-war-torn countries in the region, otherwise “there may not be any left when we really want to invade one.” Some proposals from the UN Commission on the Preservation of Invadable Countries include forcibly splitting current countries into multiple smaller entities so there will be more available to invade, and setting strict timelines for invasion that will ensure there are still plenty left by the year 2100.
“By splitting some of the worst places like Iraq and Yemen into multiple small countries, we’ll have plenty of war fronts to fight on without necessarily having to use up our precious supply of Mid-eastern countries,” said geographer Joelle Baumgartner. “Many experts argue that these invasions are a naturally occurring phenomenon, but our research indicates they are most definitely man-made. Preserving our Middle Eastern countries will take decades of concerted effort so that our children and our children’s children can one day enjoy the benefits of invading them.”
If the world runs out of Middle Eastern countries, says Guterres, the only alternative would be for major powers like the United States to start fighting their wars in other places the rest of the world doesn’t care about, like Africa.
Added Guterres, “And they don’t even have that much oil.”