People in the current generation are not fit and active. This will cause health problems in the future. What could be the reasons for the inactivity? Suggest solutions for this problem.
A recent study shows that there
is (1) has been an increase in the number of people , in today’s society, (2) who are living with a sedentary lifestyle. This is becoming an alarming issue since being inactive can cause a multitude of problems, especially in on one’s physical health. (Or – can cause a number of physical ailments ranging from high blood pressure to cardiovascular diseases.)
1. The use of “is” is incorrect in this context. The study is RECENT in nature. That is, it was done in the immediate past. The correct tense, in this context, seems to be the present perfect tense (= something began in the past and continued till the recent past – when the report was published.).
2. Since you’re using the present tense, it is obvious that you’re referring to today’s society.
People, nowadays, spend most of their time at work. Gone
were are the days wherein when the employment rates are were (3) lower and individuals spend spent lesser fewer (4) hours at work. Since people they (5) need to provide for their families, they spend more time at work, and, as a result, they has have (subject-verb disagreement – GR issue) less time to perform any forms of physical activities after work. Another reason for the increased in inactivity (6) is the prominence of multimedia and cellphone use. People often spend their spare time on (be specific in your response and mention the consequences) Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube which are passive activities. different multimedia platforms and/ or watch TV. They often claim that , after work, since they are physically tired after working for several hours, they prefer to spend time to sit and relax in front of their TV television sets or their cellphones. (Though the idea is fine, you’ve not expressed it in a concrete form. Make it less ambiguous by sprinkling a few names like icing on the cake. Note my use of Facebook, etc above.)
3. Wrong tense selection. The first part should be in the present tense since you’re speaking it TODAY – Gone are the days. The latter part should be in the past tense since you’re talking about things that used to happen but no longer do.
4. Though the difference is small, it matters in the IELTS exam. Fewer is used with countable nouns. Lesser is used with uncountable nouns. Please give me less water. Please give me fewer biscuits.
5. You’ve used people and individuals multiple times. Prefer the use of a pronoun to refer to a noun.
6. Either write “increased inactivity” or “increase in inactivity”.
As a solution, local government should be involved in combating the issue of inactivity because it can cause a debilitating effect
to on one’s health especially when it leads to obesity. For example, in my city, there is a competition (Can you name the competition? Be more specific. Concrete.) that is held every summer that encourages people to be active. They (Who are they? The pronoun does not refer to any noun.) advice advise (7) individuals to submit hours spent outdoors performing any form of activities and in return, whoever wins gets an incentive. (That’s a weak example. – 8) Another solution is to create an app or software that will encourage people to be active while having the pleasure of using the app. For instance, the (Remember the construction: the X of Y.) developer of Pokemon Go has a good platform (Good is an ambiguous word. It does not convey anything. Using it will impact your LR score. – 9) that has made users to play outdoors while enjoying the video game. (This is a weak example. Same problem as mentioned in point number 8. See underlined words in point number 9.)
7. English is a strange language. I don’t know why, but somehow advise is a verb (an action) while advice is a noun. Since they are performing an action, you should prefer advise. The government has advised people to stay indoors due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. I seek your advice and guidance.
8. An example, unlike an idea statement, is very specific. That’s why it is called “EXAMPLE”. Note the underlined words. They create specificity. For example, since the residents of the New York city work for more than 10 hours every day and, consequently, are the most inactive people in the United States, the city administration organizes a marathon every month. With active support from the corporates, people are awarded one day’s holiday to run for a healthy lifestyle.
9. For instance, the developers of Pokemon Go, a famous mobile game, have devised an innovative feature to promote outdoor activities. The game allows a player to scan the surroundings such as parks and gyms to launch a virtual reality game.
To sum up, I think
each and every individual should recognize the need for their own (10) personal health but with local government support and usage of different other (Differnt = other. Another tautology.) means like apps or software to combat the issue inactivity , any form of help will go a long way. (This part does not make any sense.)
10. Two issues: A. EVERY is singular in nature. You can’t use a plural pronoun (their) to refer to every individual. Plus, “their own personal” creates multiple tautologies. A tautology refers to an expression in which more than one word is used to convey the same meaning. Note that their = own = personal. In fact, there is no need to use any of them. HEALTH, unless otherwise stated, is always personal. This is a LR issue. Another example of tautology: This is my personal wallet. (my = personal)