The question about aggression in young children and how to deal with it is age old. When people refer to aggression in young children, they are mostly referring to hitting, grabbing, kicking, biting, yelling or demanding behavior. These behaviors are what this article will address when referring to aggression. Aggression is often seen as bad behavior. However, aggression needs to be understood at it roots and also in light of the developmental stages and needs of our young children. It is with this understanding that aggression can be dealt with the appropriate responses and consequences.
Understanding Different Reasons for Aggression:
1. Developmentally aggression emerges more significantly in the “me mine” stage in the toddler years. Aggression at this age is often due to a lack of verbal capability. In addition children this young are beginning to individuate by mastering their own bodies with potty training and developing independence. The ages 2 to 7 are considered the pre-operational stage by Piaget when children are ego-centric. However, while aggression at this stage is developmentally appropriate very often, it needs to be addressed. Modeling for children the words they need to get help and positively reinforcing behavior that you are teaching is a way to redirect this behavior without shaming, yelling or over talking to your child. Comments like, “You’re being such a kind friend sharing that toy” are an example of positive reinforcement.
2. Children are sometimes aggressive to get attention needs met. We live in a busy world often consumed with our smart phones, media, phone calls, chores, and often forget that a little quality attention goes a long way. I’ll admit to being a smart phone junkie. When I realize that my child’s aggression might be due to an appropriate need for attention, I address the aggression with an appropriate consequence of some quiet time, and then focus on giving him what he needs when the demanding has been redirected. I coach and model for him how to ask for what he needs and teach him how to be patient by being patient with him. As parents we need to then find the time to prevent these negative attention seeking behaviors. We can do this by providing quality time. Try not fall into the trap of giving in or giving negative attention. Either choice will encourage your child to continue to use aggression to get his /her needs met.
3. Children, like adult humans, get agitated when physical needs such as hunger, need for sleep and rest, or for exercise are not met. Some children have sensory processing issues which make regulating harder with the above needs, in addition to having difficulties with noise, sensitivity to touch or their environment. It is very important to be able to recognize these needs, and provide for them before the child becomes distressed and resorts to aggression. It is important however, not to meet the need right after the aggression occurs or you will be encouraging it to continue. Most children enjoy rough housing. Rough housing meets a need children have for contact that provides sensory needs being met, as well as a component of emotional needs as well. Create safe opportunities for your child to engage in rough housing whether with you or with their peers as prevention and fun!
4. Sudden increased aggression can be a sign of distress and/trauma. If we address aggression with physical or verbal aggression, we only reinforce it as a defense mechanism. Redirecting aggression with quiet time, and taking the time when the aggression has subsided to ask questions when the children are verbal creates a safe environment that your child needs most at this time.
It may seem complicated as to how to handle these different causes of aggression, even if we learn to identify them. Attempting to cease aggression by using physical or verbal aggression as the lesson simply only reinforces the pattern. While a firm commanding voice is often appropriate and necessary, this is distinctly different from yelling. As parents we are our child’s teachers, and modeling emotional regulation is very important. This kind of parenting takes effort and attention, but it really can work. It is important though, to forgive yourself when imperfect, and move on. Practicing, learning, and growing is also part of the equation for parents.
Image Credit: Janice Fransisco