“Listening looks easy, but it’s not simple. Every head is a world.”
It’s a relief when we know someone has really heard and ‘gotten’ us.
But most of us, especially in heated situations, aren’t really very good listeners. We don’t really hear what is being said to us because we are so emotionally reactive, we are busily planning our response/retaliation—interrupting, justifying and defending ourselves, instead of listening carefully and attentively.
Constructive dialogue is a communication process that creates real contact, and deepens the connection and level of empathic attunement between two people. It is a way of speaking from a place of equality, openness, respect and compassion.
Reflective listening is a means of clarifying communication so the breakdowns do not occur. Good reflective listening includes presence, interesting with the person has to say, and respect for their perspective and inner wisdom.
The procedure involves three parts:
Mirroring, or reflecting the content of what you’re hearing,
Validating the logic of what you’re hearing, and
Empathizing, or reflecting the feelings being expressed in what you’re hearing—without judgment.
Here’s how the process works:
Mirroring is paraphrasing what is said to you, and the requesting confirmation that you have received the whole message correctly.
“What I’m hearing you say is______. Did I get that right? Is there more?”
This replaces the reactive response, and helps people grow towards greater contact, connection and understanding. The listener’s job is to stay as close as possible to what is being said, without interpreting, responding or reacting to the content. The speaker keeps speaking and the listener keeps mirroring until the communication feels complete. This also gives the speaker the opportunity to correct and clarify if the listener didn’t ‘get it’ quite accurately.
Validating means seeing from the other’s point of view and telling them that you can understand the logic in their perspective. Validating doesn’t mean you agree with what they’re expressing, however.
“I understand that this makes sense to you because ________”
Empathy is being able to image what the other person is feeling, and helping them feel emotionally understood.
“I imagine you might be feeling _______ about that . . . “
Even though this can be challenging and stressful, especially at first, with practice it becomes easier and more natural. When you become able to do this more fluidly and automatically, it helps de-escalate the feelings of distress in your relationship, thus alleviating the need to defend against each other.
This process works wonderfully with children, as well. And with employers, employees, clients, parents, friends. It slows down reactivity and pacifies stress, as the listener just listens and is present with their partner, knowing their turn to speak will come when the other feels complete.
It is important for the speaker to present themselves in short, manageable sound bites, so that the listener isn’t overwhelmed with so much information they’re unable to successfully mirror back what’s being said. A few sentences at a time works most effectively, remembering that they have as much time as they need to complete the expression of thoughts and feelings. Concise and deep is best.
The point of all this is to create a relationship where both parties ‘win’. Where the goal is care, clarity, support and cooperation. This allows you to have more happiness, peace, understanding and compassion—internally, and in your relationship with others.