Some Thoughts about Victimization, Anger and Abuse
With shame and humiliation, you turn your disgust/upset/rage inward and with Depending upon the relationship and circumstance, different responses are. Shame as a compromise for humiliation and rage in the internal of the dynamic relationship between shame and humiliation associated with. Humiliation involves an event that demonstrates unequal power in a relationship where you are in the inferior position and unjustly diminished. Often the painful.
This is key, because your partner is NOT a mind reader. Avoid giving mixed signals which confuse them.
This makes them uncertain of what to say or how to act. Check in With Your Partner. Were they just trying to have a good time and tell a great story, not thinking about how it might hurt you? Or, was it deliberately mean-spirited?
When Shame Becomes Rage
Are they actually angry at you, so they brought up past hurts and threw them in your face on purpose? Find out what they were thinking and why they said what they did. An occasional slip up is one thing, but abuse is a pervasive, consistent and on-going pattern. Abuse is all about power and control over you. Because of this broad and sound perspective on her significance, the truly humble person cannot be humiliated.
Humility reduces our need for self-justification and allows us to admit to and learn from our mistakes. Our ego stands down. Humiliation and Shame Shame is private, humiliation is public. The essential distinction between humiliation and shame is this: Humiliation is suffering an insult. If you judge the insult to be credible, then you feel shame. Others can insult and humiliate you, but you will only feel shame if your self-image is reduced; and that requires your own assessment and decision.
A person who is insecure about their genuine stature is more prone to feeling shame as a result of an insult. This is because they give more credibility to what others think of them than to what they think of themselves. This can result in fragile self-esteem. People believe they deserve their shame, they do not believe they deserve their humiliation. Humiliation is seen as unjust.
Forms of Humiliation Humans have many ways to slight others and humiliate them. Overlooking someone, taking them for granted, ignoring them, giving them the silent treatment, treating them as invisible, or making them wait unnecessarily for you, Rejecting someone, holding them distant, abandoned, or isolated, Withholding acknowledgement, denying recognition, manipulating recognition, Denying someone basic social amenities, needsor human dignityManipulating people or treating them like objects it or animals, rather than as a person thou.
Treating people unfairly, Threats or abuse including: Being the victim of a practical joke, prank, or confidence scheme.
5 Ways to Handle Being Humiliated by a Loved One
False accusation or insinuation, Public shame, disrespect, or being dis'ed, downgraded, defeated, or slighted Forced nakedness, Seeing your love interest flirt with another, induced jealousy, violating your love interest, cuckolding, Seeing your wife, girlfriend, sister, or daughter sexually violated, Dishonor, Poverty, unemployment, bad investments, debt, bankruptcy, foreclosure, imprisonment, homelessness, punishment, powerlessness, Denigration of a person's valuesbeliefsheritage, race, gender, appearance, characteristics, or affiliations, Dependency, especially on weaker people, Losing a dominance contest.
Being forced to submit. Trespass such as violating privacy or other boundaries, Violating, denying, or suppressing human rightsLosing basic personal freedoms such a mobility, access, or autonomy; being controlled, dominated, intruded on, exploited, or manipulated, Diminished competency resulting from being disabled, immobilized, tricked, weakened, trapped, mislead, thwarted goals, opposed, sabotage, or let down.
Diminished resources resulting from being defrauded, robbed, cheated, evicted, or being deprived of privileges, or rights, Having safety or security reduced by intimidation or threat, Dismissing, discounting, or silencing your story, Being treated as an equal by a lower stature person.
This sort of attitude is always a bit of a shock to me.
I personally tend to think that there are absolute standards of abuse; that it is never really okay for one person to physically or emotionally beat on another person. I can't really think of a situation where it is ever all that appropriate for one relationship partner to physically strike another when that strike is not desired by the receiving party. But what seems like clear abuse to me is not recognized as such by someone who is in the middle of an abusive situation. So there is an attitude evolution that occurs, wherein abused people grow to see themselves as abused people; as true victims.Narcissistic Humiliation and Injury
The shift that occurs here is that they go from seeing themselves as deserving victims to undeserving victims. Becoming angry about it; leaving the relationship The majority of comments are from people who feel undeservingly abused.
The defining feature of such comments is that they are emotional and upset in nature. These authors express an awareness that their situation is fundamentally unfair; that there is no reasonable justification for what has been happening to them.
The emotion expressed over this unfairness is not consistent, however. Where some authors are angry, others feel hopeless or frustrated. The main difference between whether people end up feeling hopeless or angry seems to come down to whether they end up blaming themselves for what is happening, or their abusers, and also to a lesser extent on how much control they feel they have over their situations.
People can become angry regardless of whether they feel they have control or not, but it is easier and safer to feel angry when people feel that they have a little control versus when they feel they have no control.
Being able to feel angry about being abused is, in general, a good thing. Anger has the capability of acting as a motivating force. Anger's ability to motivate is never stronger than situations in which people feel they have been put down unjustly and that they have a right to take action to correct their situation.
So here is another step in the evolution of understanding what it is to be a victim.
Emotional Competency - Humiliation
When you identify yourself as an undeserved victim, you may start to feel angry about your situation, and that anger can become and often does become the rocket fuel you need to get yourself out of a terrible abuse situation.
Here is a case where seeing yourself as a victim can have a positive outcome. Anger as rocket fuel. I like that analogy, because though anger can fuel someone's escape if that anger is properly channeled, it is always a potentially dangerous thing as well.
If handled poorly, the same anger that can motivate someone to leave a dangerous relationship can also cause that person to attack the person who has abused them, increasing the chances that they are harmed, and making that relationship ever more volatile and dangerous. It doesn't help abuse victims much if they attack their abuser directly. Legal complications may occur as well and it is not always the abuser who goes to jail sometimes the police get it wrong and the abuse victim goes to jail!
How Shame Affects Our Dating Relationships in Middle Age
Better to use anger as a motivation to simply leave the relationship. Perhaps simple is the wrong word. It is seldom a simple thing to leave a relationship.
Sometimes it needs to be done, however. Letting the anger go The third step, which cannot readily be accomplished until after one has become free of the abusive situation, is to let the victim identity go, and with it, the need to be angry. Becoming a victim - identifying one's self as a victim - is a true achievement for many abuse victims. It is an achievement of personal independence to realize that you are not simply an extension of someone else; not there to be a punching bag, but rather that you are an independent person who is entitled to be treated decently by others.
The anger that comes from such awareness helps to motivate the courage to escape. It is not a good thing, however, to live your life angry all the time.