My daughter is 10 years old and I have been with my lesbian partner for four years. My daughter’s father and I separated six years ago and we remain friends.
My daughter is having problems at school. When she drew a picture of her family, she drew two stepmothers, a mom and a dad. Kids asked her about the additional women in the drawing, and without thought she said “those are my stepmoms.”
Now the kids in school make fun of her for having a lesbian mom and they say she is gay, too. This hurts my daughter who is still learning about gay and lesbian people herself. She knows she loves her mom, her dad and her two stepmothers (my partner and her father’s wife) but doesn’t know how to deal with her peers. What can I do?
Your family has discovered what every LGBT family discovers sooner or later: Even the most innocent childhood activities become political acts when our families are not accepted or viewed as “normal.”
I remember the “draw your family” assignment well. I consciously decided to omit my father’s partner. When I brought my drawing home, my mom thought it was because I was fantasizing about my mother and father getting back together. In reality, I was just trying to avoid presenting anything that would invite unwelcome attention from my peers.
For other kids, the assignment is the epiphany that their family is viewed differently by other people. As 33-year-old Derek explains in my book, Families Like Mine: “I drew our family. Dad, my brothers, me, Mom, and Donna. The teacher asked who Donna was. I told her ‘Donna.’ I thought every family had a Donna.” (p.97)
How involved is your daughter’s teacher? It’s critical that he or she understands your family and supports your daughter in speaking matter-of-factly about it. Have as many conversations with her teacher — and principal, if possible — as necessary to make sure they know they need to intervene when they hear your daughter getting teased.
Practice with your daughter the types of responses she can say to the kids who tease her. Try role playing different scenarios. Take turns playing the role of your daughter and playing the bully. Listen to her closely when she is playing the bully; she will give you a realistic peek into what she is dealing with in a way which she might not tell you when directly questioned.
Let her know that how ever she chooses to react — provided it’s not mean or violent — is okay with you. She needs to know that it is not her responsibility to stand up for you or protect you. If she wants to stand up for herself using respectful language, she can. But if sometimes she feels safer saying nothing at all, you will not be disappointed and she is not letting down her family.
Finally: as much as parents tell their children that it is really the bully, not the victim, who has the real problem, that doesn’t take away the fact that teasing is scary, hurtful and causes anxiety. Make sure you validate these feelings, or your daughter will worry that her feelings are a sign of weakness and she will stop coming to you for help.