As reported in The New York Times, a new study conducted by humans shows that wolves first became “domesticated” into dogs in the Middle East. Before this research, humans thought dogs “joined the party” in Asia.
“Humans figured this out using old dog bones, wolf bones, and something called ‘genes’,” said LoLLy Maltese, a resident of Austin, Texas. “Personally I’ve got issues with that. I don’t care if the bones were left a kajillion years ago. It’s rude to dig up somebody else’s belongings.”
Further concerns were raised…
by a conversation LoLLy had with her good friend and fellow Austinite, Daphne.
“My Girl [human] says my stunning beauty, radiant smile, and charming personality are the result of ‘good genes,’” Daphne was saying. “This is troubling because according to my Girl, good jeans come from The Gap and I have never even stepped paw into that place, so how could I possibly have jeans from there?!!”
LoLLy shook her head in disgust. “So apparently these scientists were hanging out in The Gap looking at old dog and wolf bones. It’s gotta make you question their level of commitment. Like were they really focused on dogs, or whether to wear bootcut or straight legs to work that day?”
Despite widespread concern about the “stupid denim pants methodology,” “illegal confiscation of somebody else’s material goods,” and the fact that Daphne feels she’s provided sufficient evidence that her human “is not the sharpest tool in the shed,” canines across the country agreed the new study demonstrates a “massively important” point: the contractual obligation of dogs to bark loudly at the drop of a hat.
“This study says a relationship formed between wolves and humans because humans were slobs and left a bunch of scraps behind when they ate,” said LoLLy. “The wolves tried to teach the humans to pick up after themselves, but you know how humans are. After a while the wolves were like, forget it, and started eating the leftovers themselves to keep things tidy. Meanwhile the humans figured out that not only did the wolves leave the campgrounds a whole lot cleaner, but that the wolves were outstanding guards as well.”
And thus a mutually beneficial relationship was born. Humans would provide food; wolves would serve as guards.
“It’s contractual,” said LoLLy. “We bark, humans feed.”
“YEAH!” barked Daphne. “Those are the rules!”
“Like the human in the blue outfit who shows up every day and shoves letters through the mail slot,” LuLu said. “That guy’s a stalker if there ever was one. The only thing that drives him away is my barking. I don’t care how many times my Humans tell me to cool it. I’m the only thing keeping the house safe!”
According to the research, humans encouraged wolves to breed into a smaller species that eventually became dogs. To read more about these recent discoveries in wolf-dog evolution, click here!