- Authoritative parenting is a little bit of everything: Parents set rules and boundaries that they enforce with consistency, but nurture kids so they can meet those standards.
- The term was developed by psychologist Diana Baumrind, who studied preschoolers and found there were three types of parents who used one of three different parenting styles: authoritative parenting, authoritarian parenting, and permissive parenting. (A fourth style, neglectful parenting, was added to address severely uninvolved parents.)
- Studies show that authoritative parents are likely to have children who are more well adjusted than those with authoritarian or permissive styles.
Authoritative parenting is the "sweet spot" of parenting.
Katie Hurley, LCSW, author of The Happy Kid Handbook says the characteristics of authoritative parents are positive. "It's a powerful combination of connection, empathy, and high but age-appropriate expectations," she explains. "Authoritative parenting has the potential to help kids thrive emotionally, socially, and academically."
Authoritative parents seem to be clued in to what's going on with their kids, which is good for child development. "They're attuned the emotions of their children," Hurley says. "They listen to their kids and support them as they work through obstacles and mistakes, but they also set clear boundaries and follow them up with consistency. Relying on positive parenting instead of punitive measures, authoritative parents earn the respect of their children by modeling healthy relationships and problem-solving strategies. They make plenty of room for autonomy and encourage independence."
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The effects of authoritative parenting are almost all beneficial.
"Research consistently demonstrates that the children of authoritative parents are more likely to enjoy positive relationships with their peers, to do well in school, and to become independent and self-sufficient than children whose parents take an authoritarian, permissive, or neglectful approach," says Lisa Damour, Ph.D., author of Untangled and the upcoming Under Pressure.
Parents are less stressed in this arrangement, too, which makes the child feel a secure attachment — it's a win-win for everybody. "When parents set developmentally appropriate expectations and help kids reach those expectations, both kids and parents feel calm and confident," Hurley says. "It contributes to greater overall happiness for both children and parents."
How authoritative parents discipline their kids
Before authoritative parents get around to disciplining their kids, they start by laying a lot of groundwork first. They are more likely to model the behavior they're looking for, and also be clear in communicating their standards to their kids. Most importantly, while parents can adjust their approaches when they see what's working and what's not — and constantly reassess as their kids age — most of the time the parents are enforcing consistent expectations. Therefore, kids have a clearer understanding of how they're supposed to behave, and have an easier time following rules.
But no kids are perfectly behaved all of the time. When they get out of line, authoritative parents are more likely to have clear, consistent consequences — and they are also more willing to work on things like problem-solving, decision-making, and self-regulation together. Studies show this is more effective than the style of discipline used by authoritarian parents — the because-I-said-so, my-way-or-the-highway form of parenting. According to Psychology Today, while both kids of authoritative parents and kids of authoritarian parents are equally well behaved and high-achieving, children of authoritarian parents are also more likely to have low self-esteem and be more depressed.
How to get started with authoritative parenting
Want to start incorporating authoritative parenting techniques into your approach? Follow these four steps.
- Reflect on where you might be inconsistent in your enforcement of rules. "From there, you can work on reliably applying rules you have already articulated," says Damour. "Then, spell out new, and higher, expectations for your children as they age."
- Learn what kind of nurturing your little one requires. Some children need connection and snuggles time when they feel stressed, while others need to be alone to recharge, Hurley notes. "Teach kids emotional regulation by helping your child build a feelings vocabulary," she says. "A feelings faces chart is a great way to begin discussing the wide range of emotions kids experience."
- Avoid getting bogged down in the tiny details of daily life. "When adults hear that they should aim to be structured in their approach to parenting, they sometimes worry that they need to have rules for everything," says Dr. Damour. "In truth, it's okay to have strict rules about some things, such as crossing the street with care, and lax guidelines about other things, like keeping the bedroom dresser organized."
- But enforce your priority rules uniformly. "It’s crucial to focus on developmentally appropriate expectations for children," says Hurley. "Research shows there's an expectation gap among parents of toddlers. Many parents assume that young should be capable of doing things — managing impulses, for example — that their brains aren’t ready to do yet." In other words: Frustration City, for both parents and kids.
Marisa (she/her) has covered all things parenting, from the postpartum period through the empty nest, for Good Housekeeping since 2018; she previously wrote about parents and families at Parents and Working Mother. She lives with her husband and daughter in Brooklyn, where she can be found dominating the audio round at her local bar trivia night or tweeting about movies.