In the novels of Jane Austen, being able to carry on a pleasant conversation is a mark of a virtuous character. (Although not a sufficient one—the villainous Misters Willoughby and Wickham are enchanting conversationalists.) But most of the best conversations in her novels—and in our own, twenty-first century lives—assume the same six principles, all of which stem from intelligence and thoughtfulness. By following these principles we not only make conversations more enjoyable, we can also become better, wiser people.
Principle One: Propriety
Mrs. Bennett is the paragon of impropriety. In Pride and Prejudice, she loudly speaks to her friend, Lady Lucas, about her daughter’s impending marriage long before she is even engaged.
Even today, it is completely inappropriate to gossip in public, especially when the subject of our gossip is present to hear us. Instead of loudly sharing what shouldn’t be public, Mrs. Bennett ought to act with propriety—adherence to the rules of common etiquette, particularly about what it is and isn’t appropriate to say in polite company.
Principle Two: Civility
In Pride and Prejudice, Miss Bingley acts uncivilly toward Elizabeth Bennett out of jealousy. She intentionally tries to embarrass Elizabeth for her sisters’ behavior toward the soldiers quartered near their home:
Miss Bingley treats Elizabeth badly because she does not like her. On her best behavior, a woman should show civility—basic courtesy—to everyone to whom she speaks.
Principle Three: Agreeableness
In Sense and Sensibility, Lady Middleton values her children over all else. Lucy Steele wins Lady Middleton’s esteem by noticing what Lady Middleton enjoys and speaks about it.
Lucy is agreeable—pleasant and eager to please.Of course, Lucy’s agreeableness is selfish and insincere. She makes a pleasant conversation partner for Lady Middleton, but she doesn’t demonstrate any real virtue. The best kind of agreeableness comes from amiability—real affection for the people around us simply because they are people.
Principle Four: Solicitude
In Emma, Mr. Woodhouse is a cautious, nervous man. Emma carefully watches him so she can address his concerns before they can cause him concern. He wonders how he will visit his friend’s new home, especially where the horses will stay if he takes his carriage:
For all her faults, Emma treats her difficult father with perfect solicitude—she thoughtfully anticipates and meets his needs.
Principle Five: Discretion
In Sense and Sensibility, Elinor chooses not to reveal Lucy Steele’s secret. Even though Lucy intended to be cruel by sharing the secret, and even though Elinor has every reason to be jealous in return, she keeps Lucy’s confidence.
When Elinor chooses not to share the private information of herself and others, she is acting with discretion.
Principle Six: Liveliness
In Sense and Sensibility, the silly Miss Steele bores the Dashwoods with her constant talk about beaux because she has nothing else to say:
Liveliness isn’t about saying something with enthusiasm. (In fact, Austen’s characters are often acting badly when they speak with warmth, or strong emotion.) Instead a lively conversation is a conversation marked by intelligence. Austen’s heroines dread insipid conversations with acquaintances like Miss Steele.
What do you think makes for a great conversation?