As we all know, the Earth is flat, and The United States of America lies almost directly on the eastern edge. Over the past few decades, America’s population has gotten more and more obese. According to the findings of prominent researchers in the field, the Earth could soon flip over if America does not get their obesity epidemic under control soon. If no action is taken, then at best we have ten years before these fat Americans flip over the Earth and send us all hurtling into the empty vacuum of space.
According to a transmission received by NASA, the denizens of Pluto have declared that they no longer consider Earth to be a planet. This is incredible news, as it is the first time we have ever had proof that life outside of Earth exists. However, this is also terrible news, because apparently life outside of Earth is incredibly petty. The Plutonians have based their decision on the fact that Earthlings declared that Pluto was not a planet way back in 2006. What a terrible way for us to meet our celestial neighbors.
Just days after announcing that a lack of funding had put future Mars missions on hold, NASA released a new plan for scraping together the money to continue operating. NASA will take a page out of the Girl Scouts of America’s playbook, selling candy and cookies door to door as well as sending astronauts to local grocery stores to bag for tips.
It is unclear how effective the campaign will be and how long raising the estimated 100 billion dollars needed for the next Mars mission will take, but NASA administrators remain confident that their Moon Cakes and Astronaut Ice Cream will be big sellers nationwide. Photo Credit: Robert Markowitz / NASA.