To Clarify what we mean by Assertiveness or Assertion let’s take a look at a continuum of human behavior: On the far left of the continuum is the non-assertive individual, often referred to as passive or submissive. This person prefers to avoid potentially unpleasant confrontations. For whatever reason, this individual chooses not to defend or protect himself or herself from infringements by others. As a result, such a person rarely gets his or her needs met. At the other extreme, on the far right of the continuum, we find the aggressive individual. This person pursues getting his or her needs met without much thought for the needs of others. The assertive person is between the two extremes of the spectrum. Assertive behavior enables a person to act in his or her best interest without violating or trespassing upon the rights of others. It permits an individual to stand up for his or her rights, get his or her needs met, and at the same time remain sensitive to the rights and needs of others.
FlipChart the definition from the participants
Have Participant read out loud. Not only a form of behavior but a mode of communication as well. Verbal and non verbal Another way of looking at ASSERTIVENESS….
And most importantly it is a learnable skill – and why is it important? What do you think the advantages would be in your position as Business Development Managers? Have each table come up with 3 to 4 advantages of being assertive. Give then 10 minutes…. Have each table quickly read their list of advantages.
Say: Good job of capturing the advantages of being Assertive… Let’s look at a few more to make sure we captured them all. Clearly there are advantages to assertiveness and individuals who are assertive but what prevents us from being assertive?
Now each table should come up with 3 or 4 things that prevent them from being assertive. Give 10 Minutes…. Have each table read their list. Debrief that the benefits outweigh the obstacles/reasons that get in the way.
Just some other reasons…
Debrief Assessment here: Did you land where you expected? Based upon your results: What are your individual strengths? What are your opportunities? Based upon the results of the quiz: Divide into 3 groups. (Closest to where they fell) Passive……Aggressive…….. Assertive. Have each group identify on a blank flip chart for their style: One for Behaviors and One for Communication Style Have the Passive group debrief first Have the Aggressive group debrief second Have the Assertive group go last. Now you can also use the following slides as a debrief….. But have each group present their finding in front of the group.
The non-assertive person typically pretends that everything you do is okay, while inwardly resenting your behavior as intrusive. Such individuals stay submissive just so long; then, like the straw that broke the camel’s back, they lash out in anger. Their uncontrolled expression of aggressive behavior usually hampers the relationships in question. The non-assertive individual often begins to feel so guilty for expressing emotions aggressively, that he or she quickly returns to the familiar non-assertive style. Passive/aggressive behavior tends to result and emotional distance and lack of trust is created.
Nagging, griping, demanding, controlling, and dominating – are simply ineffective ways of expressing one’s needs. While the aggressively behaving person might get his or her needs met temporarily, such behavior tends to alienate others in the long run. Aggression breeds defensiveness, resulting in relationships with no winners.
Enables one to openly share thoughts and feelings so as to enhance an existing relationship. Assertive individuals believe that they have the right to speak out and get their needs met. For example, if you want others to stop doing something that is getting in your way, you can’t expect them to change such troublesome behavior if you don’t tell them. The openness and responsiveness of assertive behavior can ultimately improve a relationship and lead to mutual understanding and acceptance Assertive behavior will in most cases improve interpersonal relationships. When an individual is dealt with assertively, he or she feels respected because of the manner in which the message is sent. When an individual communicates assertively, self-respect is maintained because of the manner in which he or she has chosen to send the message. The relationship is strengthened through the reinforcement of each person’s well being.
Assertive sales encounters are another story. Assertive is far from aggressive. Assertive salespeople do not tell the customer what to do, but rather they help lead them to an educated decision by providing them all the necessary facts. They are confident in themselves and what they are selling. They do not let pride stand in their way, if they have made a mistake they will admit their mistake and learn from it in order to move on. Assertive salespeople are always looking to the future and preparing themselves for change. This approach is memorable because the salesperson leaves his customer with a good impression about what he is selling.
If assertion is clearly the most effective and productive choice for getting our needs met, and building satisfying and productive relationships, what then compels us to so often resort to non-assertive , passive aggressive, or aggressive behavior? The source of the problem actually is the incredible capacity of the human mind. You see, we have the ability to think at the rate that is five to ten times faster than people can speak. Consequently, when someone is talking to you, that person can never speak quickly enough to occupy all of your thoughts. With the extra mental energy you have operating, you tend to make connections between he speaker’s appearance, sounds and ideas and other people and things from your past experience. If these connections are positive, you may assume additional things about the speaker that further draw you to him/her and his/her ideas. If the associations are negative, the reverse is true, and the feelings that well up from these associations may cause you to reject the person and his/her ideas. For example, if you were speaking to an individual who kept looking at his watch, you might begin to think he was finding what you had to say unimportant, that he was in a hurry, had another appointment, or was just plain rude, In addition, these thoughts of yours mighty elicit feelings of anger, frustration, rejection, or hurt. We call this process the development of “stories” The problem with our developing such “stories” about one another is that we often do not share them or throw them out. Thus, the emotions that they generate tend to build and linger, interfering with our interactions with those we have stories about. The story becomes a filter for our listening through which we may misinterpret what the other person has to say. Wee hold people accountable every day for the stores we create and don’t communicate. Instead of assertively objecting, Hey I notice you are checking your watch a lot, and I am finding it distracting… What’s up? We interpret the behavior and react to the resulting feelings as if the interpretation was true. To be effective, we must check our stories in an assertive manner in order to avoided passive-aggressive or aggressive behavior.
Broken Record: How do you say no to someone who is trying to convince you otherwise? Remain persistent. Simply repeat the same response over and over. This technique can be very impersonal but very effective. Try to limit its use to people with who you are not trying to cultivate lasting relationships (e.g. salespeople, contribution seekers, etc. Be polite, be gracious, and most of all be persistent. Don’t get trapped into giving reasons; don&apos;t accuse. Just sound like a Broken Record. “
“You May be Right” Use this technique when you want to end a discussion or avoid an argument. When two or more people find themselves in a debate, where emotions run hot, there is a risk of hurting relationships. This technique can help you emerge gracefully from such a situation. If you find yourself backed against the wall with the other trying to shove his or her “rightness” down your throat, simply respond with “You may be Right” By saying, “You may be right”! You are acknowledging that the other may have a good point. This does not mean that you are wrong, nor that you agree with them. It merely takes the argument out of the discussion Have two people read the following: Have as a handout. Boss: “How could anyone be so naïve as to think that anything other than a big raise and a fat paycheck motivates people? You: “There’s a lot of research out there that concludes that the employee of today is strongly motivated by recognition, autonomy, and the chance for growth and accomplishment as long as their basic financial needs are met” Boss: “Not in my book they’re not. Ive yet to have an employee who has told me that the most important thing about promotion for them is more responsibility.” You: “you may be right” Boss: “We live and breathe in this country by the almighty dollar and don&apos;t let anyone tell you differently!” You: “You may be right” Boss: I’m going to lunch. Want to join me?” You: Sure, but who’s paying? Only kidding!”
Straight Talk is a powerful, direct, and open means of communicating what you want and need. Use it when you wish to modify the behavior of others in order to get your needs met. Let’s take a deeper dive into this technique. To increase your chances of being understood, be specific and concise. Formulate a statement that answers the question. “What Do I want or Need?” You may wish to use this model for your Statement. I want…………… + Because………………………. This explanation seems to soften the request. Once again, it may be necessary for your to merge this technique with the broken record technique. In repeating your message take care not to alter the intent behind the message. In addition, remember to use your Active Listening Skills., which are extremely valuable, since most all assertive message tend to trigger defensiveness
Have each participant write an “I want…. Because” statement based upon the scenario on the above scenario… have them debrief with a neighbor. Ask a few folks to share.
This technique is challenging, yet the most powerful of all the assertive techniques. It is used when you are not getting what you want, or when your’re getting what you don’t want. It is most appropriate when you really care about the relationship and hope to improve it. The Three-part “I” message differs from straight talk in that it provides the other person with an opportunity to choose how he or she will satisfy your needs. The three-part “I” message is structured in three distinct parts: The order of the message is not as important as the inclusion of all three parts. The message would look like this” When you……………I feel…………………..Because. The “I” part of the message is an especially important ingredient. The person sending the message is accepting full responsibility for his or her reactions to the behavior that is creating a problem. A “you” message would be blaming and would carry a high risk of harming the relationship “I” messages decrease the level of defensiveness triggered in others and thus increase your chances of getting your needs met. An “I” message allows the other to examine the specific behavior that is causing you difficulty. Seldom is an “I” message viewed as a personal attack. When you allow others to examine their own behavior in a non-threatening atmosphere, they tend to be more willing to change their behavior to meet your needs. When you use this technique, remember, however, that the other person can choose NOT to change his/her behavior.
Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident
without being aggressive.
It is a form of behavior and mode of communication…
“…characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a
statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights
or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights
of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively
permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view.”
Good Business practice
It is a learnable skill
• Improved Personal and Team Performance
• Improved Negotiation Skills
• Improved Interpersonal Relationships
• Business deals can often be settled
• Reflects confidence
• Indicates decisiveness
• Empowers the individual
• Keeps distance
• Hunched shoulders
• Little or no eye contact
• Smiles when criticized
• Frequent throat clearing
• Overtly conscious of the implications of the conversation
• Quite or soft spoken
• Pauses frequently as if not sure about the appropriateness of the
• Eager to finish the conversation and move on
• Hesitates or is slow in responding
• Uses accusatory phrasing in their language.
• Uses a lot of “I” statements. It is all about the person who is delivering
• Uses threatening language. There can be many “if” statements which
lead to punishment if the request is not satisfied. For example, “If you
don’t comply, I will …”
• Delivers opinions as facts.
• Uses sarcasm and mockery.
• Uses forceful words such as “must”, and “will” frequently.
•Posture: Rigid, Tight fists, Clenched Teeth
•Facial Expressions: Tight Jaw, Glancing, Frowning, Eye Squinting, Tense
•Gestures: Pointing, Finger wagging, finger stabbing, Invading personal space,
•Speech and Voice: Fast, Loud, Clipped, High pitched, Demanding,
• Composes sentences logically
• Emotionally relaxed and reserved
• Good eye contact without seeming to want to demean
• Thinks through the request and has an obvious solid structure to the
• Uses clear and concise statements. The receiving end has no problem
understanding what is wanted of them.
• Cares about the opinion of others and is willing to compromise as
necessary to achieve the higher aim
• “I” statements are present but are used sparingly when appropriate.
Assertive Body Language
• Posture: Upright, Relaxed, Open
• Facial Expressions: Committed, Concerned, Interested, Responsive
• Speech and Voice: Direct, Relaxed, Friendly, Well Moderated, Not
• Gestures: Open, Hands not raised above elbow, Parallel shoulders
Assertiveness General Guidelines
Get to the point as clearly as possible and deliver it confidently
Less is more. Don’t confuse the other person by extra details or
vague conservative requests. Deliver your request and stop
To support your requests, provide a number of rational reasons.
Make sure to present concise reasons directly related to your request
Assertiveness General Guidelines
Seek clarification and confirm understanding
Make good eye contact:
Make eye contact appropriate for the culture, always with a friendly
gaze and never seeming to demean.
Keep good posture and body positioning:
Don’t seek to dominate or to subjugate yourself. Keep an open
posture at angle to the listener.
Assertive Selling / Aggressive Selling
Assertive vs. Aggressive behavior traits:
• Results focused vs. lack of focus
• Enthusiastic vs. shows indifference; not excited
• Honest vs. unable to trust
• Courageous vs. afraid of rejection
• Understanding vs. lack of empathy or compassion
• Committed to growth vs. uncommitted to change or growth
• Respectful vs. shows lack of respect
Techniques for Assertive
There are four basic techniques for assertive behavior:
• Broken Record
• “You May be Right”!
• Straight Talk
• Three-part “I” Message
Situation: You are busy working on a project that is due today. A co-worker
comes to you and ask you to join him/her for lunch:
Co-Worker: “He, why don’t you join me for lunch today?
You: “I’d love to, but I can’t. I have a two o’clock deadline to meet”
Co-Worker: “You’ll be back on time. Don’t worry so much; it will get done.”
You: “I’d love to, but I really can’t. I have a two o’clock deadline.
Co-Worker : “But everyone will be there. The department is going”
You: “I’d love to, but I can’t”
Co-Worker: “Okay, maybe you’ll join us next time.”
You: “Sure, I’d like that. Thanks.”
“You May Be Right”
Situation: You find yourself in the midst of a discussion with your boss
on the value of money as a motivator for today’s employees and sense
the conversation is getting heated. You fear the situation, if it escalates,
may jeopardize your relationship
I want…….. + Because…….. The Total Process looks like this:
5)Repeat steps 1 – 3 as needed
6)Once you hear a willingness from
the other to change or comply,
show appreciation (i.e. Thank you!)
Straight Talk Practice
A Co-worker keeps interrupting you while you are busy at work. These
Interruptions are not only annoying, but you find yourself unable to get Back
into what you were doing. What would you say?
Three-Part “I” Messages
When you….. I Feel…… Because……
(Guttman Development Strategies)
Three-Part “I” Message
One of your Brand Ambassadors has not been getting out new product and
is behind on the visual guidelines consistently. You have asked them
before to follow the guidelines and have showed them several times, every
time you visit this account our Brand Standards are compromised. You are
upset and angry, and you want to avoid such embarrassment in the future
by ensuring the visual standards are completed on time and represent the
Brand in a positive way.
You realize one account consistently opts out of promotional programs.
Once again, they have decided not to buy into this season’s promotional
offering. They are currently down 10% from last years sales and 30% off
projected plan for the year.
Your Assertive Response:
A Brand Ambassador fails to maximize the consumer experience by clearly
discovering the customer/s needs and adding on appropriate items. When
you recommend they take advantage of specific eLearning courses, they
scoff at their validity
Choose the following situations that you have found difficult to
handle in the past:.
• Disagreeing with something someone has said.
• Handling customer complaints.
• Not able to sell in a program
What did you do?
How would you respond assertively the next time you are in a similar