"No one will respect us if we lack respect towards ourselves"
Boundaries can be defined as defining the limits that people can access your personal space and make demands on you. This includes not only declaring the limits of your physical accessibility to another Self but it is also about declaring your mental and emotional accessibility to another person i.e. your privacy and how much you are prepared to give your attention and time to them.
Simply speaking, creating boundaries is simply you telling your desires clearly and honestly to other people.
So should we have boundaries?
And if we have boundaries, how much should we have and how to create it?
This article will address these questions
Boundaries In Depth
We all have a “sixth-sense” as to how much someone will do something for us before we ask them and how much someone will be willing to listen to us or answer our personal questions.
We thus all have a keen sense of how much other people will allow us to access their personal space. The more we know the person, the easier it will be for us to gauge this.
Thus when a person’s individuality is very clear, i.e. when someone is simply emotionally transparent, showing their anger when they are angry, showing their happiness when they are happy, it becomes easy to gauge what that person’s boundaries are. However when a person’s “individuality” is not that clear, then the lines of how much we can enter that person’s personal space will be unclear as well. And furthermore when that individual lacks "individuality" then it can make us feel that it is ok to intrude upon their personal space (since that person has not yet declared a boundary.)
So realize that if you lack "individuality" then others will not know your boundaries and thus step over the line (because they do not know where the line is.) The more honest you are with yourself and honest in expressing to others how you truly feel the clearer your boundaries will be. Thus if you are not clear about the limits you are willing to help someone then obviously there will be people who will "take advantage of you."
The issue of “Boundaries” thus is not so much about when and where to have boundaries but rather it is about developing honesty with oneself and to otherselves in a clear manner.
The lack of being honest with oneself and being honest with others thus can be said to be the Seed of all sufferings concerning the issues of Boundaries. Once this is addressed then the issues with Boundaries will naturally be resolved.
Importance Of Addressing Boundaries
To address issues to do with Boundaries involves firstly with the intention to do so. So let us took at the ways that issues of Boundaries can affect our life in a Negative Way.
When we fear saying no to others we can end up exhausted from meeting everyone's demands. And it can make us feel a state of guilt if we were to say no to them which is again another suffering state of mind. To make it worse, Other Selves will be able to pick up on this "Guilt" and come to the belief that you actually did something wrong by saying no to them which will make you appear even worse in their minds.
Thus in the beginning when we attempt to say no to others we can find an inability to do so. The Inner Resistances and Confusion will always be caused by the Fears and Sufferings surfacing in the depth of our mind. So let us look at some of these Sufferings in more depth.
Although the fears may vary from one individual to another but they generally will all recede to the fear of not being loving enough. This is especially common in people who have an excess of love directed outwards. Thus great confusion is created when a situation demands The Self to question about the Direction Of Love – See Catalyst Love Direction.
The fears that we have can also create the illusion that people will get angry and leave you if you were to speak out your mind honestly. This can create unnecessary hatred towards others and towards oneself. Thus without addressing the issues of Boundaries it can greatly impede the quality of life and the ability to create healthy relationships.
Will Creating Boundaries Limit My Relationship With People?
Realize that the fear of loneliness can often drive this confusion.
The Truth is that once your boundaries are clear, the people who used to take advantage of you will naturally distance themselves from you because you are no longer “useful” to them. So this can greatly improve the quality of your life.
And this will give the opportunity for others who “truly loves you for who you are” to come into your life.
Path Of Creator
Boundaries In Relation To The Path Of Creator
The Path Of Creator is about creating greater Happiness in our lives through transforming the mind / our beliefs.
Thus here we will look at the ways to how best utilize Boundaries in our lives to create Greater Happiness and the ways setting too much Boundaries can limit our relationships with people.
Let us realize first that our happiness is at the greatest when we are able to simply “Being Ourselves.” Thus the point here is not about learning when or where to apply boundaries by simply reading it from a book but rather it is more so about developing the Knowing of who we really are. This is our primary goal because then we can Know when we really want to say no and yes to other people accessing our personal space.
Thus the journey will involve many situations when we will have to say "No" to Other Selves. This is important, because when we do this we can encounter inner-resistances in saying no to Other Selves. This is an opportunity for us to discover our spiritual lessons – i.e. the Causes of our inability to say no.
And as we look Within what we will discover is that the inability to say no or to create boundaries when we need to will always be driven by our Sufferings – In particular our Fears of being judged and rejected.
The destination is to be honest with ourselves and communicate ourselves clearly to other selves. It is about developing the ability to say no or yes when we feel the need to, not out of fear, but out of wisdom. It is about becoming a Clear Self for others to see.
Excess of Love Outwards
When we are strongly attached to the "Need" to be “Loving” all the time it can create an Excess of Love Outwards. When this happens, we can easily lose ourselves to serve others without considering the need to serve ourselves.
To bring clarity into the picture we first realize that the greatest love comes when we can Love others as much as we Love ourselves. Thus the journey in which all Selves will all go through will involve the development of Self-Love / Self-Acceptance.
To begin this journey begins with the intention to develop such Self-Acceptance and this will involve developing the understanding that it is ok to Love oneself.
Develop Experienced Knowledge
1. Instead of deliberating back and forth on whether or not to create boundaries just do it and then see if it's "right" or "wrong" from experience.
It is through the experience of making mistakes that we learn how to get something right.
2. Accept other people when they create boundaries between you and them. It is through accepting them that we can allow ourselves to do the same.
The Creator's Meditation / VipassanaLink here
When you experience “Unpleasant” sensations on your body journey, simply accept them as is rather than trying to suppress them or to run away from them.
This will help you to be honest with yourself especially when experiencing the “imperfect / ugly” parts of The Self.
Thus when you experience pain, embrace it with a calm Mind and allow it to happen in its full force without exaggerating or diminishing it. Then try to overcome it with Stillness.
Through the continual practice of honesty in the Inner World it will allow help you to become honest outwards in your daily life.
Know and Transform The Self!
Try the 22 Days Creators Meditation Course to develop Self-Knowing of who you are, of your deepest fears and desires so that you can create the life that you truly desire.