Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?
Once, in a typical inner-city school, there worked a science teacher who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because it kept swearing at the children. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's rudeness any more, so she took it to the top of the school building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
How many teachers does it take to change a light-bulb? Well hang on a minute! You can't go changing a light-bulb just like that. You need a plan - long, medium and short-term - or your method of changing the bulb will be in question. And of course, you need to be very clear what you are trying to achieve by changing it - that will need writing down and handing out to anybody who happens to be watching you change the light-bulb. Furthermore, some account will need to be made for the fact that the light bulb may not be very bright - you can't just discard it. You will also need to spend time assessing your procedure after the event, with a clear emphasis on taking the bulb-changing process to the next stage. Oh and there is the question of changing other bulbs on a voluntary basis after hours...
How many OFSTED inspectors does it take to change a light-bulb? None, it will either change itself, or it will be failed!
Little Jimmy was a very rude boy who, given any opportunity, would embarrass his teacher. One day, during an OFSTED inspection, Jimmy's teacher told the class that they were going to do some impressions of different animals. However, feeling aware that Jimmy would use this opportunity to be extremely rude and to show her up, she decided to leave him until last. Emma did a marvellous impression of a cow, David did one of a pig, while other children did their own interpretations of donkeys, dogs, cats, parrots etc. Eventually, the teacher could avoid Jimmy no longer and reluctantly allowed him to do his impression. However, she felt that there could not possibly be any animals left, about which Jimmy could be rude or obscene.
"I'm going to do the mating cry of the deep-sea oyster," explained Jimmy.
That doesn't sound too bad thought the teacher.
At this point Jimmy stuck his head between his two hands and shouted "ANYONE FANCY A SHAG?"
A science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"
An engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"
The business graduate asks, "How much will it cost?"
A drama graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one student rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Well done!
A biology teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked. One bright boy raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."
Why do people take an instant dislike to Ofsted inspectors......
It saves time!
You Might Be a Schoolteacher if...
you have no time for a life from August to June.
you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
you refer to adults as "boys and girls."
you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."
you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
you know hundred good reasons for being late.
you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
The reception children were trying to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words" she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."
A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday? Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt. Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope? Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't screw around at those crematoriums.
Doris a wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.