Dangers of Peanut Butter
Know the dangers, and avoid peanut butter-related death and injury!
Fact: Peanut butter is delicious, so it can attract a swarm of squirrels, hungry bears, or even humans... the deadliest animal of all.
Fact: Peanut butter may make your hands too sticky to let go of a live hand grenade.
Fact: Peanut butter contains resveratrol, which is good for your heart, but may cause you to feel overconfident and eat a lot cheeseburgers, causing massive heart failure.
Fact: Some people are allergic, which can cause anaphylactic shock even at a distance.
Fact: There is no cure for peanut allergy, and it can kill within minutes.
Fact: Peanut butter contains p-courmaric acid, which may be just as scary as it sounds.
Fact: The peanut can have Aspergillus flavus on it, which despite sounding tasty, is actually a mold. Aspergillus flavus produces a carcinogen called aflatoxin.
Fact: Peanuts are the most common cause of deaths from food allergies.
Fact: Peanut butter in the United States only has to contain 90% peanuts. The rest could be live army ants and killer bees.
Fact: 1.3% of the human population would drop dead if peanut butter was mandatory.
Fact: The peanut is known under a large number of aliases, and is likely trying to hide something.
Fact: Having peanut butter in your mouth can be very sticky, making you unable to scream out a warning as your loved one is about to step out in front of a bus, forcing you to abandon your verbal warning and leap in front of the bus yourself to push them out of the way.
Learn to prevent the dangers of peanut butter!
If you see peanut butter coming, use these methods to escape its sticky deathtrap and minimize your risks:
- Use a water gun. Peanut butter's natural enemy is water. If you spray enough of it around, it may go away on its own.
- Run for it. The increased adrenaline will help stave off anaphylaxis, and running will get you out of the peanut butter's killing zone as fast as possible.
- Open the jar away from you. Remember, every peanut butter jar could contain up to 10% of a swarm of angry insects. You want their first target to be somebody else.
- Never shake your peanut butter. It just makes them madder.
- Never eat peanut butter when you are near anybody you care about, just in case your sticky mouth or sticky hands leads to their death or yours.
- Never touch the ground. Peanuts grow underground. You never know when one might be right under you.
- Don't handle anything that could explode. If you need to suddenly get rid of a ticking time bomb by throwing it out of a window, let somebody else handle it if you've just been near peanut butter.
If you are suddenly caught in a sticky peanut butter deathtrap, there is still hope to escape and prevent it from happening again:
- Rinse and repeat. If you wash your hands, they will no longer be sticky, allowing you to avoid grenade blasts or getting stuck with the hot potato.
- Drink something. Don't lose your ability to say the password to get into a private club during prohibition on your time travel adventure. Wash down all traces of the gooey evil with a nice glass of milk first.
- Use your epi. If you do have an allergy to peanuts, and feel a reaction coming, take your epinephrine autoinjector, and get to a hospital.
- Don't eat peanut butter in excess. The more you eat, the greater your chance of a bear attack or cheeseburger binge.
- Avoid jellies and jams. These are the natural ally of peanut butter. Bread can also be a gateway food.
- Get checked for cancer. This is a good idea anyway, but if you're eating peanut butter, you're basically eating carcinogens.
- Remember the nine aliases for peanuts. Be less likely to be caught unawares by committing these names to memory: earthnuts, goobers, goober peas, jack nuts, manila nuts, monkey balls, monkey nuts, pindas, pinders. It might just save your life.