We live in a high-pressure democracy, one in which we want our children to be engaged and successful. But, on average, a child is exposed to twelve hundred and eighty-seven provocative political positions daily. With so many passionate pundits attempting to influence our kids, it's important that we educate them on safe political intercourse and the dangers of engaging in the process before they're ready.
It is commonly advised that parents avoid talking about political intercourse until a child is of age (which can vary from state to state). Some even believe that preëmptively educating children about the process will lead them to become politically active too soon, which may result in premature registration with a write-in political party. But the extensive research we've conducted here, at the Center for Safe Political Intercourse, shows it's never too early to explain the elephants and the donkeys to your children.
Below, we have compiled the questions most frequently asked by the preteens who took part in our study and some of the most effective answers offered by their parents. Let them serve as inspiration on your path to encourage your child to explore his or her politicality.
Q: Where do delegates come from?
A: Well, honey, when a political party and a person love each other very much, they come together and decide to make a delegate.
Q: They just decide it?
A: Yes. They make the rules, but the rules can be changed. But, once they're made, the rules are the rules. Except when the state changes the rules, but then those rules are the rules because the previous rules allowed them to change the rules. And everyone knows the rules because Abraham Lincoln said so.
Q: But how is a delegate made, Mommy?
A: The political party opens its private doors to a public person whom other people have voted on, but maybe nobody knows who they are and nobody voted on them, not even their mommies and daddies, and then that person becomes a delegate.
Q: What's a superdelegate? Do they fly like Superman?
A: They do fly, but never coach. Always business or first class, and sometimes they might even fly for free. Their tickets might be gifts from a candidate. Those gifts are frowned upon, but a frown is a smile turned upside down. [Pinches cheeks.]
Q: What if I fall in love with an unbound delegate?
A: Daddy and I want you to love whomever you want, even unbound delegates. They're good people, but you have to be careful because they're not always loyal people. So if you're supposed to meet an unbound delegate for a dinner date at Olive Garden, he might change his mind on the way and go to Waffle House without telling you. But if he does show up at Olive Garden you'll have to pay for him because you want to make sure he stays with you.
Q: How old do I have to be before I can commit to a political party?
A: You can have your party in your heart right now. But you have to be eighteen to publicly declare your love for a party. At that point, you'll be free to go down to City Hall and sign papers telling everybody which party you're with. When the time is right, your body will know.
At the end of the conversation, we advise leaving your child curious and excited about the process but scared enough to avoid becoming immediately politically active. Periodically show particularly headstrong children pictures of unbound delegates and superdelegates—their haggard countenances will serve as a fair warning of the possible unwanted outcomes of political intercourse.
So make a plan with your spouse today to have a thoughtful conversation with your kids about their participation in the circle of political life. Sometimes their questions may be embarrassing, but your children should know that they have a dependable, honest source to turn to for answers.