Imagine for a moment how you’d feel if you had difficulty with simple, everyday tasks like holding a pencil or walking down a flight of stairs or bouncing a ball. Most children with Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD, often struggle with these things while they watch their peers doing them with ease. Knowing this can help us see how a child with SPD may develop low self-esteem and self-concept, which is why handling discipline with these children should be handled with care.
Now that doesn’t mean children with SPD shouldn’t be disciplined from time to time. My daughter, Jaimie, is an average six-year old in many ways: she tests her boundaries, asserts her independence and pushes my buttons. She can be full of beans and pick on her younger siblings as much as any child out there. But she often doesn’t know when to stop doing things and doesn’t always understand that not every one needs the same deep touch as she does. And in the lead-up to a sensory meltdown, she can destroy things in anger or even lash out. Such things can’t be tolerated as she can not only hurt herself or someone else but her siblings will also learn to think it’s okay to act the same way, and it’s not.
Disciplining Jaimie seems to have always been a bit of a challenge because she learns things at a different pace and in a different way than her three siblings. For example, smacking Jaimie’s hand when she hits or touches something she shouldn’t or spanking her when she misbehaves isn’t going to teach her that those behaviors are wrong. Some children with SPD, like Jaimie, actually bump into things on purpose, throw themselves on the ground or stomp their feet not to be disrespectful but more to “feel” their environment. Plus the sensation of spanks may not register as, “No!” for children requiring a heavier touch to relate to their world.
Essentially, discipline should always be a balance of rewarding good behavior, taking away privileges and sticking to your decisions. As Dr. Jean Ayres said in her book Sensory Integration and the Child, “To be effective, discipline must help to organize the child’s brain, rather than disorganize it.” (p. 157)
Through a combination of trial and error, as well as referring to what the experts, such as Dr. Ayres, Dr. Lucy Miller and Carol Stock Kranowitz have advised, here are a few tips on discipline and the sensory child:
(1) Understand mountains and molehills. Like with all children, not everything a child with SPD needs punishment. There are times when their actions merely stem from a need to experience something in their environment the only way they know how. For example, spitting their food out or playing with it at the table is often how they check food out. (Jaimie often touches new foods in order to “feel” it before she’ll stick it in her mouth.) Throwing a plate at someone because they don’t like their food is more of a mountain requiring action. The key is if the behavior can hurt themselves or someone else, is potentially dangerous or may cause a meltdown, intervene. Otherwise, help them work through the situation and always have options.
(2) Put on your sensory glasses. Once when I was alarmed by the fact Jaimie tried kissing some of her classmates out of the blue-when she can’t stand it most day to have that happen to her-I contacted my good friend, Lori. She told me that when she looked at Jaimie with her sensory glasses on she saw a little girl who found a different way to show her friends how much she loves them without having to touch them with her hands. Hugging for Jaimie-touching with her body-is almost a painful sensation for her. But she doesn’t mind giving kisses-if she initiates it. Lori praised Jaimie’s resourcefulness in finding different ways of expressing her feelings. This same insight needs to be done with discipline. There are times when our sensational children are merely testing out their environments the only way they can-squishing the toothpaste on the sink, feeling their food with their hands, smelling everything, or running around at top speed. If we remember to look at our children with those sensory glasses on first, we’ll know whether or not they’re doing something to “feel” it or if they’re doing something to test boundaries. Understanding this ahead of time helps them learn much better than yelling or spanking. (After they have their toothpaste smearing, for example, talk about that sensation with them then ask for help with cleaning up the mess.)
(3) Using words instead of actions. This was, and still is, a constant struggle in our house. Jaimie felt things deeply but didn’t understand why nor understood how to talk to us about it. But she is only six-years old, after all. Even we adults have difficulty putting our feelings into words. What we need to do is help our sensational children learn to develop words that describe what’s going on in their bodies. Then we can give them the counteractive tools to give their bodies what they need and calm them. Often, children with SPD struggle so much with coping with what’s happening in their little bodies they don’t see how their reactions affect the people around them. Feeling bad is okay; acting out is not. Use facial expressions and body gestures to help your child express what their bodies feel: Scrunched up face, furrowed brow, clenched teeth, fists and rigid body means, “Angry.” What can we do when we’re “angry?” Sit in our calm down IKEA egg with the lid closed and listen to Mozart. This is just one example. You can figure out your own expressions and gestures to help them work those negative feelings out. A great video to watch is “Happiest Toddler On the Block,” (see Chynna’s review) by Dr. Harvey Karp. He has many demonstrations on how to talk to a child about emotions and working them through tough situations.
(3) Help to organize. Children with SPD have very disorganized bodies. Those messages the brain gets from the sensory organs aren’t being processed. When the messages aren’t processed the body doesn’t know how to respond to that initial stimuli and can freak out. Maybe, when your sensational child acts out, try figuring out what their bodies need in terms of organization before giving them a punishment. Are they rangy and full of excess energy? Have them swing in a hammock or swing or play some muscle stimulating games or exercises (jumping, running, tag, sports, etc.) Are they floppy and sad? Do some yoga, massages or stretching. Are they overstimulated? Put on a nice classical music CD and read them a book (you can do some deep pressure during this too.) Try organizing them before punishing them. If they continue to act out, then proceed to some sort of Time Out. But I’ve found when Jaimie is yelling, screaming or not listening, it’s most often because her body needs something it isn’t getting.
(4) Three steps to taking action. When actions aren’t sensory-related but “six-year-old-I’m-cranky-and-taking-it-out-on-everyone” related then parents should intervene. What we do in our house is practice a method our Play Therapist taught us. There are three steps or ACT: (1) Acknowledge the undesirable behavior but don’t go into a deep discussion about it. “You hit your sister, Jaimie, and that’s unacceptable.” (2) Communicate the desired behavior. “If you’re angry with your sister then use your words, not your hands.” (3) Tell them the course of action that will be undertaken. “You need to apologize to your sister then we’ll go over here with your toys. When you choose to hit, you choose to play by yourself until you calm down.” The goal is to instill responsibility for actions. It takes a lot of repetition, and you’ll obviously have to change the punishment to suit the action and age level of the child, but eventually it works.
(5) Consistency is key. No matter what avenue you choose, you must stick to your decision each and every time. This is especially important for children who need consistency and sameness in order to understand. If you punish one time, then choose not to the next it can be confusing and you’ll have to start all over again. Even when you’re out somewhere, using the ACT set-up or even saying, “If you choose to continue ______ then you choose to leave.” This way your child will come to understand if they yell at Mom, they’ll need a calm down time on the couch and there’ll be a stronger punishment for such things as lying, hitting or other aggressive/negative behaviors.
(6) “Calm down time” versus “Time out.” This is very important with children, especially those with sensory issues. There’s a difference between needed calm down time-say when a sensational child is over stimulated and needs a quieter environment to calm down-and an administered time out when they’ve done something inappropriate. Time Outs and Calm Down Times always need to be done in different areas using different tactics so there is no confusion.
(7) The behavior is punished, not the child. Even I have let the infamous saying, “Bad boy!” slip. We must remember never to make our children feel they are “bad kids.” We don’t like the actions or behaviors they are demonstrating and that’s what we must tell them we’re reprimanding them for. Children with SPD are insecure and already in the frame of mind that people don’t like how they act. So saying something like, “Mama loves you but we can’t let you _______ (fill in behavior) because it isn’t fair to others.” tells them we love them, we’ll always love them but the way they’re acting at that moment isn’t okay.
All children act out once in awhile-it’s how they learn what is and isn’t socially appropriate. It also helps them figure out boundaries. Children with SPD aren’t any different in that area but we must handle the disciplinary route just a bit differently so they learn what they’re supposed to.
Sensory Integration and the Child, by Dr. A. Jean Ayres
The Out Of Sync Child, by Carol Stock Kranowitz