“Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.” Anon
“No" is a complete sentence.” Anne Lamott
The practice of acceptance can lead to profound peace. As we accept others the way they are and drop the need for them to change we become more loving/accepting to them but also to ourselves. When we stop fighting the way things are we make peace in our bodies too. we no longer feel the frustrations and tensions that arise within us when we try to control others.
In addition when we accept ourselves just the way we are, despite our flaws and our imperfections then we drop the depression, the guilt and the ‘need’ to be a better person and we begin to feel better.
But sometimes the practice of acceptance can be misconstrued. We may believe that we have to accept everything that others do to us. Or we may think that acceptance means that we have to say yes to whatever is asked of us.
The more we say yes to what we can’t control the better. But just as important is learning when to say no to what we can control - ourselves.
If we start to allow others to control us we are in danger of becoming non-assertive. There is nothing wrong per se with going along with others wishes as long as our bodies don’t get hurt by them.
The problem with being non-assertive is that we can give away our time and our energy to others even when we don’t really want to. We may give away the time that our bodies need to keep healthy i.e. time for exercise, sleep or eating well. In some cases we may overextend ourselves to the point of exhaustion or ill health. In extreme cases we may end up allowing ourselves to be physically or emotionally abused in some way.
It is therefore vitally important to have healthy boundaries in our relationships with our friends, families, partners/spouses, colleagues, bosses, customers etc....
What is a healthy boundary? A healthy boundary is a ‘no’ which makes us feel good in our bodies. Here are some examples:
- If we are tired and someone asks us to help them out then a healthy boundary is a polite but firm ‘no’.
- If our boss asks us to stay late to work and we feel like we need to exercise, rest or eat then again a healthy boundary is a polite but firm ‘no’.
- If we already have a busy schedule and we are asked to add another appointment to it which will cause us to rush between appointments then we care for ourselves when we say ‘no’
- If we are set a deadline that we cannot achieve without over-working ourselves then we set a healthy boundary when we tell people that we cannot achieve the deadline.
- If we find we don’t often enjoy the company of a certain person then we can decide how often we want to see them. Maybe we decide to see them less regularly than they would like. That is a healthy boundary.
- If we are asked to do two things at the same time, we set healthy boundaries when we do the thing we feel more inclined to do and say ‘no’ to the other.
- If we are asked to do something that hurts us physically in any way then we set healthy boundaries when we say ‘no’.
We set healthy boundaries when we focus on what our body wants and not what our ego thinks we ‘should’ do or ‘should’ allow.
By doing this we end up living a life which is in alignment with what our body really wants. We stop sacrificing ourselves on the altar of ‘should’.
As we develop with our own self-enquiry we will start to distinguish between what we want and what we don’t want in our lives. i.e what makes us feel good and what does not.
We will also begin to understand what beliefs have kept us from putting the boundaries in place sooner. As we start to question and drop these beliefs we liberate ourselves to do more of what feels good and less of what doesn’t.
Ultimately we become kinder to ourselves; to our bodies, and less focused on our egoic ‘needs’ and ‘shoulds’.
The kinder we are to ourselves the more energy we have to be kind to others.
Also as we start to be kind to our bodies we find that we only help others when it gives us joy to do so. We no longer ‘help’ others through gritted teeth.
This ultimately leads to a more joyful life for us and for those around us. We set the best example we can to others. We are true to ourselves.