As children grow up, they will develop a sense of “self” or a “self image.” As parents, we hope our children can grow to see themselves in a positive light. One significant part of self-image involves a child’s relationship to his or her own body. In the earliest stages of development, most children view their bodies with a sense of awe and wonder. They are amazed at what their bodies can do as they learn to walk, run, jump, dance, and ride bikes. They tend to view their own bodies in a pretty positive light, and may even be proud of their “big belly” or round cheeks. They may notice differences between their own bodies and the bodies of those around them, but they have not yet assigned values to these differences. However, very quickly, children begin to absorb cultural messages. They learn, both implicitly and explicitly, that certain body shapes and sizes are valued more than others. They sadly will stumble upon a lie that is so deeply embedded into the very fabric of our culture, that it is truly unavoidable. They will be exposed to the toxic lie that thinner is better. So how do we prepare our children to enter into a world that is filled with such a dangerous lie? I would like to share 5 recommendations that can serve as an antidote to this toxic cultural message.
#1 Explicitly teach respect and tolerance for body diversity.
Just as we teach our children that people are born with a variety of skin colors, so we must teach that people are born with a variety of body shapes and sizes, and no size or shape is better or healthier than another. If we fail to explicitly teach respect for body diversity, then our children will rapidly absorb the prevailing cultural message which is crystal clear: thin bodies are good bodies, and big bodies are bad. We must be active in de-programming our children from this very powerful, prevalent and damaging cultural message. If we do not make the effort to “counter-program” our children early on, then they will absorb the body-prejudiced message that are ubiquitous in our culture. A terrific resource for young children is the book “Your Body is Awesome by Sigrun Danielsdottir.
#2 Demonstrate respect and compassionate care for your body.
Young children are developing a relationship with their own body. As with all other things, they do what we do, not what we tell them to do. If they see us being harsh and critical towards our own bodies, in our words or our actions, they will replicate this in their own relationship with their innocent bodies. They will learn to treat their bodies in much the same way that we treat ours. So be kind and gentle when you speak about your own body or the bodies of those around you. Feed yourself well by eating regular meals and snacks, just as you would expect your children to do. And if you are having a “bad body image day” keep it to yourself and do not share your negative thoughts about your body with your child. Even if you tell them everyday that they are beautiful, if they bear witness to your own self-critical attitude, they will likely adopt a similar attitude towards themselves.
#3 Do not equate thin with healthy.
A lower body mass index (BMI) does not equal better health, nor does a higher BMI equal poor health. Pursuit of thinness and over-valuation of thinness in our lives as parents often leads to children developing low self-worth and self-consciousness about their own bodies. Don’t discuss your weight or size, or the size /weight of others. Demonstrate healthy care for your body by feeding yourself regular meals and snacks, just like you expect them to. I recommend Linda Bacon’s “Health at Every Size” to learn more about the truth that healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
#4 Help your child to have fun in their bodies.
Don’t push an agenda of “exercise” or “getting fit”. Move your body in fun and enjoyable ways, and invite them to explore these forms of fun body movement with you. Dance together, explore nature together, play together. Help them find joy and freedom in their movement. Kids who have fun being active with their families grow up to be adults who have fun being active in a variety of ways. I avoid the term “exercise” because so many adults associate exercise with the goal of altering ones body shape or size. Movement is about having fun and discovering what joys our bodies are capable of, not about slimming down or toning up.
#5 Protect your children from exposure to diet talk and body slamming.
Be strong in setting boundaries with extended family/friends. Tell them you are not ok with your kids being exposed to talk about diets, weight loss goals, or body dissatisfaction. Tell them you have the aspiration of raising your child to become a teen/adult who doesn’t stress and worry about their shape or size. You want them to grow into an adult who won’t lose precious minutes, hours, days, and weeks of life, pointlessly trying to reshape the beautiful bodies they were born with, the healthy bodies they were blessed with. The truth is, healthy bodies come in ALL shapes and sizes. And healthy minds embrace that truth.
*If you are a parent struggling with body image and or an unhealthy relationship with food, know that it is not too late to seek help. It is never too late to change our perspective and our ways of living. You deserve to feel good in your own body and you deserve freedom from worry and stress about food, body and weight.