“We judge ourselves by our intentions. And others by their actions” Stephen Covey
How often do you feel regret? Have you ever wished you had held your tongue instead of jumping straight in? Think of your words and actions like toothpaste – once it’s out of the tube, it cannot be put back.
See yourself as others do – they don’t know what you’re thinking, they can’t hear your internal dialogue. They can only assume what you’re thinking by interpreting how you act. It is, therefore, fundamental that your actions represent your intentions, are consistent with your higher purpose and values and are true to the person you want to be?
Our emotions act as signposts, with guilt and regret signalling that we have been incongruent to our core values in some way – notice when they arise, reflect on your behaviours and actions and adjust your actions accordingly.
How do we choose our actions?
Going back to our brain’s functionality, the core aim of our brain is to ensure our survival, which it does through a combination of minimising danger, maximising rewards and conserving energy.
When faced with a threatening situation our brains provide an immediate emotional response that focuses our attention on the threat as well as ‘suggesting’ a fast response when there is insufficient time to think through alternative options.
However, when there is no immediate threat posed by the current situation, other than a perceived threat to our ‘ego’, we can engage our thinking brain to construct a more intentional and rational response that is more likely to result in a better outcome for all.
What leads to inappropriate automatic responses?
Our limbic brain responds in the moment, without any conscious effort, and is influenced by how we ‘see’ the situation, what we have paid attention to and what we have learned from our past. It provides an emotion-fuelled response that it perceives to be most appropriate based on the interpretation together with the most suitable response learned from similar experiences. However, each situation is unique and inconsistencies arise due to the following:
- It may have triggered memories of a difficult past situation that is not comparable to the current circumstances
- The situation may have been presented such that our attention has focussed on certain details and omitted others leading us to have a biased view
- The environment (physical, culture and people) may be influencing our behaviour
- Our current mood or emotional state may have derailed our core capabilities to think rationally and manage our response
How can we develop better rational and intentional responses?
If you tend to respond automatically, set an intention to develop a habit of intentional response and take the following steps:
Step 1 – Pause
Mentally count to 10 and allow the initial emotional response to pass so that you can engage your ‘thinking’ brain
Step 2 – Show compassion – to yourself and others:
- Acknowledge the emotions at play – what do they tell you about yourself and others? What fears or memories could have been triggered?
- Reinstate a state of calm through acknowledging any perceived threats and allaying fears. When we are in a state of fear, we tend to be positional, defending our corner making collaboration almost impossible
Step 3 – Seek to understand the perception of others
Their actions and behaviours are displaying their reality (not yours) – what evidence do they provide about their intent, values and beliefs and how do you need to respond to take that into account?
Step 4 – Clarify
- What is important to you for the present moment but also in the longer term
- What are your intent, values and beliefs?
Step 5 – Construct a response
- True to you
- Shows compassion and understanding for others
- Enables you to ‘co-create’ a ‘win win’ solution that works for everyone
By following the steps above, you will be able to have difficult conversations and experience disagreements in a ‘psychologically safe’ space where everyone is able to express their opinion without fear.
Furthermore, with input from many perspectives drawing on a wider level of experience and knowledge, it is possible to achieve a better outcome as ‘the whole is greater than the sum of the parts’.
Notice when you experience guilt or regret and use it as an opportunity to refine your response patterns so that you remain true to yourself and enable others to do the same. Aim to be the best version of yourself, every day, and in every situation.
The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert
In this fast paced world success is measured more in terms of what we have or what we have achieved, rather than whether we are enjoying our experience of life.
Compassion is key in helping us slow down and re-connect with what is truly important. Without it, our bias towards negativity leads us to experience suffering, over calm and contentment.
This book explains how we have 3 systems at play in our brains focussed on:
- Threat and self- protection
- Incentive resource seeking
- Soothing and contentment
Through allowing our systems to balance each other we balance our emotions and our overall experience improves.
There are several practical exercises to develop the skills of compassion defined by the Dalai Lama as “sensitivity to the suffering of self and others with a deep wish and commitment to relieve suffering”
Whole-hearted parenting by Joshua Freedman
This book focuses on accepting and embracing all emotions as useful and arising for a logical reason. By acknowledging them wholeheartedly we can use the energy in them to help us achieve our goals.
It recognises that whilst certain behaviours can be judged as unacceptable, the feeling that is driving that behaviour is there for a reason and needs to explored with curiosity. Through demonstrating empathy for the cause we can then help children make better behaviour choices when they experience that feeling.
The book is broken down into three parts:
- Know yourself – be more aware of yourself and others
- Choose yourself – be more intentional and proactive rather than reactive
- Give yourself – be more purposeful and work towards a noble goal
Whilst this book focuses on parenting skills, it is a great book for developing emotional intelligence skills valuable for any setting.
More recommended reading:
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
This book represents the lifetime’s work of Daniel Kahneman about judgement and decision-making.
It explores the ‘dual process theory’ about how people make decisions using one of two systems:
- System 1 is unconscious where decisions are made based on perceptions and intuition representing our automatic responses. These can be influenced by how a situation has been framed and personal biases.
- System 2 is conscious where decisions are based on cognitive analysis representing our intentional rational responses. These are less open to influence and bias.
Our core capabilities to think rationally and manage our responses develop throughout our lives and can be derailed by our current emotional states and environment.
Furthermore, our life experiences may have impacted our development and habitual choice of response. Having a greater understanding of how we process information and make decisions helps us make better choices for better outcomes.
Feel the Fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers
To quote the book: “Fear seems to be epidemic in our society. Whatever the fear, this book will give you the insight and tools to vastly improve your ability to handle any given situation. You will move from a place of pain, suffering and depression to one of power, energy and excitement.”
My key learnings were:
- Acceptance – learn to accept yourself whatever
- Frame mistakes as ‘mis-takes’ to adjust
- Self-belief – whatever happens “I will handle it”
- Action is the key to success
Taking action creates a fundamental shift as it allows you to face the fear head on and move to a different place where you will have a different perspective with different options. Ultimately, action loosens the hold that fear has over you.
I highly recommend this book to anyone that is paralysed by fear, suffers with high levels of anxiety and worry or recognises a pattern of procrastination.