What's The Big Deal Over
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Uh-oh. A new report reveals that high
self-esteem may not be the best thing in the world for you. People with high
self-esteem, it finds, may be more of a threat to society than those with a
lower sense of self-worth.
According to the report, by a psychologist
at the prestigious London School of Economics, people with high self-esteem are
more likely than others to be racist, violent and criminal. Those with low
self-esteem might do violence to themselves via eating disorders and suicide,
but they are not a threat to others.
The London report is just one of a host of
recent studies bashing self-esteem. But Im not so sure that self-esteem
is a bad thing. Id still rather have more of it than less. The real issue
is what is meant by self-esteem, and whether you realize how we get it.
Theres a common notion afoot that we
cant succeed at anything unless we have unqualified high regard for
ourselves, and it springs from some source deep inside (if only we could find
it). If thats what you think self-esteem is, then chances are youll
go around looking for it in all the wrong places, attempting to bolster your
sense of self from within. You might even resort to repeating simplistic
A very reliable line of new research shows
that self-esteem is really more a reflection of our relationship to others. And
when self-esteem gets low, the appropriate response is not to fix your inner
self but to repair your standing in the eyes of others. In other words, to
behave in ways that maintain your connections with other people.
According to this work, we are built to be
in social relationships (although those of us who live in Western cultures have
been a tad oversold on the merits of individualism).
Evidence comes from clever studies showing
that most of us are exquisitely sensitive to signs of disapproval and rejection
from others. A raised voice or a grimace of anger from someone we like can
launch us into high anxiety and wreck our feelings about ourselves.
Self-esteem, then, is really a monitoring
system of our social approval. And its weighted in such a way that we
need clear demonstrations of acceptance for self-esteem to be positive. Neutral
feedback registers almost as low as outright rejection!
The London report probably confuses cause
and effect. The truth is those who are violent, racist and criminal are not
nasty because they have high self-esteem. Both their capacity for meanness and
their high self-esteem stem from something else... a more basic defect. They
lack the ability to "read" the feelings of others. They have no social or
With an inability to detect signs of
disapproval from others, they never know what others really think of them. As a
result, they develop an unrealistic sense of themselves. And as something of a
threat to the rest of us, who is going to risk telling them the truth?
So, when your self-esteem is low, take
heart. Check your own behavior for things that could be turning other people
off. Say youre talking to someone and you notice the person is suddenly
frowning (a clear sign of disapproval). Its time to think to yourself, "I
probably said something they dont like. Ive got to let them know I
was just kidding."