In the last article we talked about preparing for difficult and possibly emotionally charged conversation. In this article we will see how to actually conduct an effective communication that may promise the resolution of a conflict.
The Relationship Saver recommends agreeing with your partner. Disagreements are unfortunately, often more accurately called arguments. (See the definition of argument in a dictionary or in the previous article “Effective Communication vs. Arguments (1)”.) You must have heard the technique that helps in heated conversations to say “and” instead of “but” in reply to a statement. It is just a small part that points towards an agreement.
There are two parts to every conversation: speaking and listening. Well, this may seems very obvious but hold your horses, there is more to it than meets the eye. Let’s see what we say and how we say it when we speak and how we listen when we do not speak.
Psychologists have identified three categories of people and their behaviors when it comes to heated discussions: those who digress to threats and name-calling (tch, tch…), those who revert to silent fuming (making you, or themselves silently wrong), and those who speak openly, honestly and effectively. Not surprisingly, they discovered by following couples with all three ways of behavior for 10 years, that the 90% of couples who were able to resolve their high-stake, controversial and emotionally charged differences in a respectful and honest manner stayed together; those who did not, split up.
As far as speaking is concerned, if you want to be effective you need to be brave, not fearful, open, not closed, honest, not deceitful, cooperative, not competitive, willing, not withholding.
Courage is necessary when you are vulnerable, when you are about to disclose the underbelly of your reasoning, being the necessary component of honest conversation that will make your partner and sometimes yourself, understand your intentions behind your behavior. If you are committed to resolving difficult issues you must love truth, more than saving your face and satisfying your ego.
In starting a conversation it is always good to begin with agreeing with each other. So, find some common ground where you may share an opinion or describe the situation that both of you would agree on. Make sure both of you are clear on what you are going to have a conversation about.
“Just the facts, Ma’am.” Make sure you do not confuse opinions and facts. You can usually both easily agree on facts, but opinions are your own. Interpretations of the facts and meanings of the events are yours only. Own them and mention that they are yours. Do not say things like “You are a jerk. You were very rude and you hurt my feelings when you talked to me last night when you came home.” Notice that all these statements in one sentence start with you. Being rude and a jerk are totally your interpretation and the meaning you gave to his behavior. Maybe his intention was something completely different, so do not present that his being rude is a fact. Secondly, no one can make you feel anything. You generate your feelings, so be responsible for them. Yes, someone’s words or actions may trigger your feelings, but you must be response-able i.e., you have a choice in how to respond. Unconscious response is called reaction, which is automatic. Whenever you are expressing your opinion, start the sentence with “I”. So, this leaves us with facts: he talked to you last night when he came home. That is a fact. Every moment during the conversation you must strive to recognize what your opinions are and not confuse them with an objective truth. Saying, you are a jerk is not stating a fact. It is your opinion. The better way to say it is: “You came across to me (or, I saw you, or I thought you were) as a jerk and very rude last night. My feelings were hurt.”
Another part is making sure that you recommend some sort of action towards the resolution. If you want to have a conversation that will produce results you must deal with specifics as opposed to generalities. As I mention in The Gameless Relationship, effective communication consists of only two conversations: effective requests and effective promises. Effective means that requests and promises are the only conversations that will move possibility into reality. Nothing happens without requests and fulfilled promises.
Find out more about this on http://www.GamelessRelationship.com/
Always explain the reasoning behind your statements and be open to the input of the information from your partner. In this way you will cut the amount of often-wrong assumptions on his part. If you are correctly understood, it may very well happen that after your partner’s input and ideas you will change your mind for the benefit of a win/win outcome. Humility does not mean giving up your point of view. Your purpose is to explore the situation together, not to abandon your perspective. It may happen that your partner starts getting aggressive. As long as you stick to your values and follow the above recommendations you will not fall into the trap of automatically and emotionally reacting to his aggression. Remember you are in charge of your experience.
Now, a few words about listening, or shall we call it enquiry? Some call it active listening. However you call it, here are some helpful principles that if followed may produce nothing short of a miracle. We have two ears and one mouth, thus we should listen twice as much as we talk. A few suggestions on how to listen: no matter how charged a situation is you can always achieve almost complete discharge by paying complete attention while she talks. It is more than that. Listen as if nuggets of gold are pouring out of her mouth. It does not matter if you share her opinion or not. You are getting the information about her thinking process, mental state, and the intention behind her behavior. You are truing to get to the truth, to the bottom of it. Truth does not come out easily at the first attempt. It takes repeated enquiry and safe environment.
By intently listening and being genuinely interested instead of having conversations with yourself, preparing answers and having opinions, trying to finish her sentences and presuming that you know what she wants to say because you “heard it so many times before”, you will encourage her to say what truly is on her mind. Sometimes even she may be surprised by the truth that comes out of her mouth that she was not even aware of. During the process of listening, do not speak nor give answers or opinions unless asked to do so. The other justifiable time to say anything is to inquire as to understand better what she is trying to say. Do not offer your opinions, rebuttals, criticisms and such. Be very interested. Your body language has to be consistent with your intention to listen. Do not fidget, doodle, scan the environment, cross your arms and such. Concentrate on her words only. Once you hear what she had to say give it back to her by summarizing it, so that she a) knows that she was heard, and b) that you know that you got it right without your interpretations and arbitrary meanings that you might have slapped onto what she said.
Do not give your opinions, comments or solutions without her consent. Ask if she wants to hear what you want to say. Very often people just want to be heard. Strange as it may sound, just listening and “getting it” may be enough to dissolve any disagreement between you two.
Acknowledge her for whatever you can and even for what you cannot. You’ve heard about “pay forward” instead of pay back. Acknowledgment is a perfect platform for such a “payment”. Acknowledgment is not simply a reaction, polite explanation of what happened in the past and certainly not a manipulative tool. Acknowledgment can be a very powerful incentive to agreement, understanding and encouragement for intimacy and even behavioral change if genuine. The core of effective listening has nothing to do with technique; it is an attitude. By providing listening to her, you show that you care. As the saying goes: “I don’t care how much you know until I know how much you care.”
These few points in this article about speaking and listening are tools not to be used on your partner but with your partner. These are cooperation tools and not manipulation tools. So, do not keep this knowledge to yourself. Share it with your partner. Make sure you do not do it in a condescending way.
Lastly, keep the conversation in integrity, whole and complete, especially complete, when there is nothing else to say or learn. If you think that for any reason you cannot finish the conversation make sure that you have the time and the place set for continuing it until complete.
If you follow these principles in any conversation the likelihood of betterment and/or continuation of a good relationship is almost guaranteed.
Note: Fred Kofman’s phenomenal book “Conscious Business” inspired me to write this article. Thank you.