Many people are brought up to always be kind to others. But how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion, or self-love, can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home.
Self- compassion and self-love are not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which are usually indicators of a lack of self-love. Self-compassion has nothing to do with faux superiority and everything to do with being kind and gentle with oneself. It allows us to treat ourselves as we do our greatest loved ones. Instead of harshly judging ourselves for any personal shortcomings, we can instead give ourselves unconditional love and acceptance.
Why is Self-Compassion Important?
Over the last decade, research has shown a correlation between self-compassion and overall psychological well-being. Self-compassion helps us recognize the difference between making a bad choice and being a bad person. It also helps us have greater connections with others and less depression, anxiety, and fear of failure.
A lack of self-compassion can take a toll on our personal and romantic relationships. How we treat ourselves is typically an indicator of how we let others treat us. The less love and compassion we have for ourselves the more likely we end up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. But, when we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth or “complete us.”
Here are 3 ways you can begin practicing self-compassion:
1. Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child
You would never treat a small child the way you may sometimes treat yourself. You wouldn’t demand that a child push through a crazy schedule without a break to recharge, and nourish themselves (Think nap-time, snack-time, play-time, quiet-time, story-time!). You wouldn’t condemn them for making a mistake or a poor decision. You wouldn’t tell them they were unlovable if they had a meltdown.
Adults need rest, nourishment, fun, encouragement and forgiveness too. It may be hard treating yourself with such kindness if you are not used to it. But when you’re feeling brittle and exhausted or like you’ve failed in some way, decide to treat yourself as you would a child. Nuture, rather than punish, yourself. Maybe you do need a nap, or some some fun! When you choose self-care and compassion, you will grow.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Self-criticism is a mental habit. In order to replace self-criticism with self-compassion, we must practice mindfulness.When you find yourself caught up in that negative noise and mind chatter—stop, take a deep breath—and refocus your thoughts on your “best self”. Imagine a time or place where you’re happy, relaxed, comfortable…for me this is on water and in nature. I can easily access my best self on a boat.
Visualize an atmosphere in which you feel you are your “best self”. What qualities do you embody? Are you centered, calm, curious, creative, confident, connected, courageous? When have you felt like your “best self” recently?
When you do find yourself having negative thoughts, DO NOT berate yourself for having them OR get stuck in them. Take some deep breaths. Thank those negative thoughts for the reminder to visualize your “best self” and make room for positivity.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
At the end of the day, self-compassion is about being okay with our own humanity. It’s important to recognize that being human means being flawed, and that’s okay. You and the rest of the world have imperfections in common. We’ve all thought things like: I need to get into better shape; I should be a better parent/partner/friend; I should have accomplished more; I should have known better.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes and accept yourself as you are. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you will feel. Sometimes I remind my self to think of my favorite people in the whole world— they are people that have great energy, make me laugh, put me at ease. My favorite people aren’t perfect. They are different shapes, sizes and ages. They have all made mistakes and have their unique issues…but their imperfections are part of what makes them authentic. My imperfections make me authentic too.
While it’s incredibly important to learn self-compassion, it’s not always easy cultivating new thought and behavior patterns on your own. A therapist can give you the support, encouragement and guidance you need to help you make these positive changes in your life.
If you or a loved one needs to exercise more self-compassion, contact me (615) 415-8884 or Christy@CGBcounseling.com. I will be happy to show you compassion and help you cultivate more of your own.