“Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery. I quit such odious subjects as soon as I can, impatient to restore everybody not greatly in fault themselves to tolerable comfort, and to have done with all the rest.”
Jane Austen (English Novelist, from Mansfield Park)
“No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.”
Alan Watts (English Philosopher)
“So full of artless jealousy is guilt, it spills itself in fearing to be spilt.”
William Shakespeare (English Playwright, from Hamlet)
Your life, and what you do with it, is in your hands.
Never let anyone make you feel bad about who you are, or for the choices you’ve made.
While you’re at it, stop making yourself feel bad.
False guilt is not your friend.
It’s not going to make you better at life.
Sure, when you do something wrong and feel guilty, that’s a healthy conscience that’s trying to steer your behavior in line with your moral code.
In this way, guilt can be a motivator to improve and make positive change in your life.
But guilt fueled by self-criticism or other people is just the opposite.
Not only does it not help you become any better, it actually makes you feel and perform worse.
Self-criticism is associated with a lack of motivation, creativity, and productivity.
A self-imposed choice to be anchored to negativity.
You don’t get a badge of nobility for feeling bad about yourself, or the choices you make in life that bring you closer to your goals.
How Feeling Guilty Can Be An Addictive Trap
Why do people get stuck in guilt?
For one thing, there’s a myth that if you feel guilty, it will make you a better person.
And that’s not totally invalid.
Research in Current Directions In Psychological Science acknowledges that there is a sense of self-imposed moral correction and goodness in people that feel guilty — even when they haven’t done anything wrong.
The same study suggested that preemptive self-flogging individuals make better employees, more successful leaders, and even better lovers and friends.
So guilt might keep you from doing things you should not do in obvious moral dilemmas.
Moral compass, check.
You can sleep easy tonight.
But guilt can also work against you.
Particularly if you’re a people-pleaser.
Especially if you’ve got no backbone and can’t say no.
For one thing, even though it’s a negative emotion, it feels good.
This is how people get addicted to self-criticism and chronic guilt.
According to research cited in The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience To Reverse The Course Of Depression, One Small Change At A Time, “Pride, shame, and guilt all activate similar neural circuits… this explains why it can be so appealing to heap guilt and shame on ourselves — they’re activating the brain’s reward center.”
Well, that’s twisted.
And bad for your brain and self-worth.
Bioscience Technology agreed in the studies they published that show that guilt is harmful to the brain — “Pathological guilt can signal clinical depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive and bipolar disorders.”
What’s worse is that in addition to self-prescribed guilt, other people will use guilt against you to make you feel bad.
To control your behavior, or hold you back.
Guilt then becomes a maladaptive weapon you use to hold yourself back.
Or a manipulative tool others use to control you.
Why Feeling Guilty Is A Waste Of Time
So is this a recipe for nobility, or a mental health risk?
Stop living in extremes.
You can be a good person and set boundaries for your life without being encased in a guilt-ridden psychological prison.
You can ditch the personal guilt trip and still stand your moral ground.
And you can choose to reject the guilt trips from others.
Motivation and focus aren’t birthed by guilt, nor should your choices be dictated by it or the opinions of others.
Here are three common things you should never feel guilty about…
1. People who don’t like you.
Never feel guilt because other people don’t like you.
Not everyone is supposed to like you.
No one has a 100% success rate in making friends.
And your success does not rely on some manufactured popularity contest.
Some of the people in your life, no matter what you do, will never like you.
Don’t feel bad about it.
Instead, accept it.
The hard truth is some people won’t like you on purpose.
They will try to use your desire to be liked, and your guilt of not being liked, to manipulate you.
The only way to keep this from happening is to ignore those who don’t naturally enjoy your company.
Focus on quality, not quantity.
You want your circle to be tight.
You want to be surrounded and encouraged by people that get you — effortlessly.
With no agenda.
With no self-serving motives.
Stop giving your time to people who tolerate you and start giving it to people who celebrate you.
Trust that the people who don’t like you shouldn’t be near you and make sure you keep them far away.
Instead of focusing on the people who reject who you are, focus on the people that see your value.
Stop wasting time with people who want you to believe that you’re hard to like and that you should be grateful for their friendship.
2. Ignoring other people’s drama.
Never feel guilty about ignoring other people’s drama.
Too many people let themselves get sucked into other people’s problems.
These people feel obligated to help fix other people’s lives.
They hear a complaint, or some boo-hoo sob story, and immediately feel like it’s their duty to make things right.
Of course, you should give others a helping hand when they really need it, but you should never feel obligated to fix other people’s lives.
You can be a good listener the first time — by choice, not obligation.
But after that, make sure you don’t end up wasting your time while your friend drones on and on about the problems in their lives they aren’t taking action on.
Sure, sometimes bad things happen and people go through tough times.
It’s not your job to be their only sounding board.
It’s not your job to solve their problems for them either.
And sometimes those problems are drama that people choose.
They choose to feel helpless.
And they neeeeeeeed you.
Insert eyeroll here.
It’s a trap.
When people start to enjoy their own drama, you have to set boundaries to get out of it, or risk getting sucked into it.
Otherwise, you end up being an enabler.
You should never allow yourself to become a crutch to other people.
The reason why is simple — a lot of people like having problems.
They like playing the victim.
They like the attention it gives them.
These people don’t want you to solve their problems.
They just want to watch you try to make them happy.
They want to stay miserable and inactive in their own lives while you try and soothe them.
Don’t do this.
3. Leaving people behind.
Never feel guilty for leaving other people behind.
The best thing you can do for your life is to step out on your own to face new challenges.
Whether you want to be a successful business owner, artist, author, or inventor — whatever it might be — the act of creating value will add value back into your life.
When you take initiative, you become a better person.
You also make the world a better place to live in.
The problem is that stepping out on your own often requires you to leave others behind.
This is okay.
Just remember this, if other people want you to stay behind and miss out on fulfilling your full potential, they’re not really your friends.
They don’t really have your best interests at heart.
They don’t have to live your life.
Let alone your unfinished life — which is what it will be if you keep living for the approval of others.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to do your own thing.
Once you start this trend, you’re a permanent slave to the lowest common denominator of baseline living.
Stand up for yourself and your big goals.
Have the courage to go out and do what you need to do.
When you do that, you’ll notice how your real friends will rise to the top — applauding your drive and encouraging you to go and do and be whatever you need.
You’ll also notice the ones that get jealous and try to sabotage your momentum.
You’ll notice the negative people in your life the instant you step into a positive direction.
You’ll notice manipulators and the insecure.
Don’t pay attention to anyone who lashes out at you for leaving them behind.
Don’t pay attention to anyone who wants to hold you back.
Only give your valuable time and energy to people that support your happiness.
Never feel guilty about making something happen for yourself.
Guilt is a powerful emotion that can be used to motivate, or used against you. No one can live a guiltless life, but you can keep this emotion in check. Allow guilt to inform your moral choices so you don’t waste time feeling bad about yourself for decisions you regret. And never allow anyone else to make you feel guilty about how you live your life and chase your goals. Be okay with not being liked by everyone. Avoid people that want you to play into their drama. And don’t be afraid to walk away from negative people that don’t support you. Take control of your circle of influence and your emotions so you’re not crippled by guilt in your life.
To learn more about how drama and manipulation can leave you feeling guilty, and to get instant access to exclusive training videos, case studies, insider documents, and my private online network, get on the Escape Plan wait list.