With another school year off and running, it's a good time to talk about sexual harassment at school. Teens and tweens can be victims, instigators or witnesses of sexual harassment. But parents don't have to stand by helplessly.
First, some statistics. The American Association of University Women, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization that works to advance equity for women and girls, last year issued a report called "Crossing the Line: Sexual Harassment at School." The report focused on a national survey of 1,965 seventh- through 12-graders, 48 percent of whom reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment during the 2010-11 school year. The report found that:
- 87 percent of students who reported sexual harassment said it affected them negatively
- 56 percent of girls reported harassment, compared with 40 percent of boys
- 30 percent of students reported being sexually harassed through electronic means, including text message, email and Facebook
- 18 percent of students reported being called gay or lesbian in a negative way
- 56 percent of students witnessed sexual harassment at school at least once
- 9 percent of students who were sexually harassed reported the incident to an adult at school
- 27 percent of students who were sexually harassed discussed the incident with a parent or other family member
- 50 percent of students who were sexually harassed did nothing in response
Do keep the lines of communication open.
If a parent and child don't have a history of frequent and open communication, that can hinder a child's telling the parent about sexual harassment, said Kathryn Wolff, a counselor at Portland's Wilson High School who in a previous job facilitated a teen program on interpersonal violence. It's a sensitive subject that even confident and chatty teens might bring up only in a roundabout way: "Someone keeps flirting with me but I don't really like it."
Kathy Masarie, Portland-based founder of www.family-empower.com and the author of "Raising Our Daughters/Sons," said, "Make sure your kid is comfortable telling you about something like this. If you go off the wall and overreact, your kid will never tell you another thing."
Do watch for nonverbal clues.
Stephanie Schares, Sellwood Middle School counselor, said in an email that a student who shows stress or anxiety about going to school could be experiencing sexual harassment, especially if the symptoms come out of the blue and there aren't any other problems. That's when a parent can start asking questions about whether everything is going all right at school.
Do consider the teen/tween psyche.
Adolescence, Wolff said, is "a natural time in life to perceive yourself as a sexual being and what does that mean and how do you express that in your world." So some students might try out sexual comments or behavior that they see on TV or elsewhere, "and sometimes they just miss the mark," Wolff said. If a comment or behavior is not repeated, then it's more a social faux pas than harassment, she said.
The bottom line: Sexual harassment consists of repeated unwanted or unwelcome comments or behavior that make a student feel unsafe and uncomfortable at school, Schares said.
Do emphasize that sexual harassment is serious.
Many kids minimize the issue, Wolff said. They think, "If I ignore it, it'll go away ... They didn't really mean it," she said. But those who sexually harass others often enjoy their power and are trying to make others feel uncomfortable, Wolff said, so ignoring the situation isn't an acceptable solution.
Do get school officials involved.
Schares suggested asking your child's teacher whether he or she has noticed a change in your student's behavior and whether he or she has any idea why. "Once teachers and staff have a heads up, they are more than happy to help a student feel more safe," Schares said.
"It's definitely something that gets dealt with," Wolff said.
Masarie said, "I would actually ask them as professionals to do their due diligence to get the best information they can. ... Be patient with that as long as your kid is protected from further incidents." Keeping a child protected might include having him or her stay home for awhile, she added.
Don't just hand out advice to your student.
"If you are just going to tell them what they should do, your student may just clam up and feel you don't really understand where they are coming from," Schares said.
Do listen, ask questions and provide support.
Wolff said that if a student confides in a parent about sexual harassment, it's important to note the effort it takes to speak up. Then, she said, reassure the student: "It's not your fault that this is happening and I am going to help you figure out how to deal with this."
Masarie said, "I would do a very thorough job of gathering information." She recommended parents keep a written log of all incidents the child reports.
Masarie also advised parents to make sure the child is not blaming himself or herself for the sexual harassment. "That might involve seeing a professional for their mental health," she said.
Do tailor the response to the child.
Some students, Wolff said, may have the confidence to confront a harasser directly with statements such as "I don't like it when you say that" or "Please stop whistling at me." Other students might prefer to write a letter and have it delivered through an intermediary such as a counselor.
Do discuss empathy.
If your student is the one harassing others, talk about how his or her comments and behavior are perceived, Wolff said. She said she's counseled students who didn't realize that making crude comments which other kids can overhear is a form of sexual harassment. "They're often thinking, 'Well, the person I was talking to was just fine with it,' " she said.
Parents could use the line that Wolff has used with students: "You're at school now and this is a community. ... You're expected to have certain behaviors for everyone that's in the vicinity."
Masarie said she would focus on motives and tell a student, "Let's come down to why you're doing what you're doing and think about different ways to get that satisfaction." Common motives for sexual harassment are getting attention, getting peer approval or getting revenge, she said.
Do be tech-savvy.
A parent of a student who's being victimized electronically can help protect him or her by installing screening software that allows calls or messages only from approved senders, Masarie said.
Do remember that you have legal recourse.
When it comes to sexual harassment, "there's some legal teeth behind it to help protect our kids," Masarie said. She recommended the organization Equal Rights Advocates, whose website includes a page titled "Sexual Harassment at School: Know Your Rights" and which maintains an advice and counseling hotline at 800-839-4372 (its fall 2012 hours are 9:30 to 11:30 a.m. Monday and Wednesday and 3:30 to 5:30 p.m. Thursday and Friday). Counselors there can help parents decide whether to seek legal advice.