Life has a way of throwing us curve balls, and you cannot go through life without facing the occasional uphill struggles.
When this happens, couples can choose to engage in constructive and healthy ways to attack the problem, or one or both people may choose instead to “attack” the other person. Name-calling, blaming, defensiveness, raised voices, threats, even physical violence can result. Words can be said that cannot be taken back. Actions can be taken that cannot be undone.
Left unaddressed and without intervention, the relationship often deteriorates as the unhealthy behaviors increase in severity and frequency. Couples can quickly go from wanting to see their partner happy and wanting to do nice things for their partner to feeling so unheard, undervalued and hurt by their partner that they may no longer want to do or say nice things to the other, may hurt their partner in return or try and leave the relationship.
Ultimately, when one or both of the people in the relationship engages in unhealthy forms of problem-solving, the resulting behavior or actions can become abusive.
Some couples become caught in the “cycle” of abuse, going from the calm phase, where everything is going fine and everyone is getting along, to the tension-building phase, when a problem or stressor arises. During this phase, the abuser may become angry and there may be a breakdown in communication. The partner begins walking on eggshells and becomes uneasy about what may happen next. Next comes the explosive phase, where any type of abuse occurs — physical, emotional, sexual, verbal. This is often followed by the honeymoon phase, where the abuser apologizes, blames the partner for the abuse, minimizes it or denies it even happened. The couple then begins the cycle again.
Some who are in this cycle find it very difficult to get out, no matter how badly they may want to. They may not have anywhere to go, they may have limited financial means, family may be far away or they may lack other forms of support. They may have children, or their spouse may have threatened harm to them or others if they try to leave.
This is why it is so important for friends, loved ones, co-workers and even acquaintances to speak up and not remain silent if they are aware that someone is in an abusive relationship.
This is why the Navywide campaign this year for Domestic Violence Awareness Month is “Silence Hides Violence.” There are resources available to offer assistance, and often it can be kept confidential.
So please, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call an advocate at the Fleet & Family Support Center at Naval Base Ventura County. You can speak confidentially to Laura Hanson at 805-982-4117 or Rosie Flores at 805-982-3788.