Twice before I had heard that exact same expression, “a big black man”. Once, as said by a relative; the other time by a different client who was relating an issue of conflict in her workplace. In all three circumstances, it was a middle-aged (or older) white woman who gave that depiction.
This had me thinking. I too felt this statement was descriptive, yet innocuous. But was it?
I suggested to him that this expression was intended to be descriptive, not judgmental or racist. He shared how it felt unfair and biased. Together we agreed, the expression was used to describe a feeling of being fearful or intimidated. We continued talking.
It turns out that beyond the words, the context of the message had been missing. The colleague who casually made this reference, had not explained that she was relaying the fears of another person (an elderly white woman). Nor had she intervened in her conversation with the elderly woman, to defend the character of her black colleague. Instead, she merely informed him, matter-of-factly, as if the fear the old woman expressed was reasonable or even justified. This young man was subject to prejudice at work, as his colleague stood idly by.
There are several learning points here.
First - Context. It’s the “why” of what we’re saying. “Why” the elderly woman (might have) said that. “Why” the colleague wanted her co-worker to know. This essential part of our communication is lost more and more in part because we rely on a tweet, text, or a quick email, to share information. We need to work a lot harder to relay all the information at hand – including the “why?” Read more about the need for "Why".
Second – Teamwork. This colleague did not demonstrate that she had her co-worker’s back. She did not speak to his good character or gentle spirit, but instead let the prejudicial opinion sit unquestioned. If she felt compelled to remain quiet, she could at least share that with her co-worker (and offer context).
Third – Trust. This young man did not trust in the good intentions of his colleague. He didn’t question why she would so openly share the information she did. Instead, he jumped to the conclusion that she herself was racist and was lumping him into some stereotypical pile. Ironically, doing the same thing to her, that he thought she had done to him.
Fourth - Responsibility. The young man did not share his frustration or anger with his colleague. Instead he stewed about it. But without knowing how her comment came across, how could his female colleague learn what to change?
This is our biggest lesson. We are all responsible. For understanding the “why?” For sharing what upsets and hurts us. For learning what we’ve done wrong and what to change. For making the changes that matter. Without this, we are likely to remain stuck. Stuck in our own sheltered, often misinformed opinions of each other. Stuck following rules (like political correctness) that don’t necessarily help, but separate us more. Let’s be better. Let’s make new rules.