Too often we are also uncomfortable with the child’s strong emotions and we want them to go away. We might say things like, “Oh, relax, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” But to the child who is feeling afraid, this is another way of saying, there is something wrong with you. Such a statement can also be interpreted as “I don’t have time for your problems”.
Instead, a powerful technique is to acknowledge the child’s feelings (Faber & Mazlish, 1999). You can do this by labeling his emotions, or simply saying “oh”, or “uh huh” or “mmm” which lets the child know you are listening. Often, the child will open up and tell you more about what is bothering him or her. For example, one day Jeremy was crying in the corner of the classroom and his teacher approached him and said, “what’s up, Jeremy?” He replied, “I hate school”. Although his teacher was disturbed by this and tempted to contradict him, she kept her calm and just said, “oh.” After a moment, Jeremy added, “My sister gets to stay home all day, but I have to come here. I hate it.” Jeremy’s mom had had a baby a few months earlier and she was taking a family leave to stay home for the next few months. She said, “You must miss your mom a lot when you come to school.” Notice how she is focused on acknowledging the child’s feelings rather than fixing the problem. Later, when Jeremy is calmer, she will talk to him more about how to cope with his feelings. Right now, she just wants to help him feel understood. And he did. Jeremy leaned over and gave his teacher a hug, took a deep breath and went over to play with the other children.
Acknowledging children’s feelings helps them develop emotional competence, which is an important requisite for being successful in school – and later in life. It should be one of the important tools in your toolbox for preventing challenging behaviors and creating a positive classroom.
Responding to a Child Who is Upset
1. Put the child’s feelings into words. “You seem frightened by that noise.”
2. Encourage the child to talk by using “Oh” “Mmmm” or “I see” and not evaluating.
3. Use fantasy to help the child feel understood. “I wish I had a magic clock that could make it lunch time right now!”
4. Accept the child’s feelings, even as you stop unacceptable behavior. “You are so mad you really want to hit Danielle, but I can’t let you do that. Let’s sit in the Quiet Spot and you can tell me about being mad.”