Why does my 4 1/2 year old always push his brother and will they ever have a ‘good’ relationship? Mostly, my question is how to discipline my son when this happens. Are timeouts appropriate?
A child with Aspergerâ€™s Syndrome exhibits many characteristics that have positive and negative effects on behavior. Children with Aspergerâ€™s have difficulty with social interactions and communication skills, which is why you see some problems in teaching your son how to interact with others, specifically his brother. It will take time and specific interventions before their relationship gets better, but, keep in mind that children without Aspergerâ€™s often have the same kinds of problems with siblings.
Regardless of whether or not your son has Aspergerâ€™s he can learn social skills to help him get along with his brother and others as well. Young children are very self-centered and often do not empathize with other children, so your son may not realize that pushing makes his brother uncomfortable. And, while your son is intelligent and may have language skills, chances are, at his age, he doesnâ€™t know how to voice his wants and needs to his brother, so he pushes him instead.
Be realistic about your sonâ€™s level of maturity, but remember that he needs discipline and supervision. Watch him when heâ€™s playing with his brother. Try to notice if he can pick up on verbal or physical clues his brother sends. Tell your son using a calm, quiet voice how you want him to behave. â€œYour brother wants to see how the truck works. Can you show him?â€ It helps to encourage a different activity immediately. Aspergerâ€™s children need to hear specific reasons why they should or shouldnâ€™t do things, such as pushing. Just saying, â€œMama doesnâ€™t want you to do thatâ€ isnâ€™t good enough. He needs to hear that if he hurts his brother, he will lose some play time. Use praise when he behaves well.
Be specific and set limits on inappropriate behavior, for both boys! Be consistent. If your son doesnâ€™t stop an unacceptable behavior when asked to, remove him from the room for a few minutes. Make it clear that hurting someone, in any way, requires an apology and a kind deed to make up for the hurt. For example, he would have to apologize for pushing his brother and let his brother play with one of his toys for five minutes. Gradually, your son will stop pushing and learn to voice his wants and needs. In the meantime, if he cannot speak, using a picture communication system like PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) might work. With this system, he chooses a picture of something he wants or needs. Log on to www.pecs.com to find out more.
Explain to your other son what Aspergerâ€™s is and how it affects his brother. Use words that are appropriate to his age and ability to understand. Teach him to be patient. Praise him when he demonstrates patience and kindness. Teach him how to help his brother; he will model himself on you.
Also, be sure to have your sonâ€™s doctor check him over to make sure his medications are appropriate. He may be ready for Sensory Integration Training to help him become less sensitive to noise, light, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes.
It helps Aspergerâ€™s children if you can say â€œYesâ€ as often as possible and â€œNoâ€ or â€œDonâ€™t do thatâ€ as little as possible. For example, if your son refuses to go to bed, ask him if heâ€™d rather walk or be carried to bed. If he canâ€™t or wonâ€™t make a decision, make it for him.
Progress may be slow, but it will occur. Be patient.