Because many websites are designed to elicit responses, people feel quite free to say what they think and many brave souls do. But after reading through various comments it is obvious that the skills for communicating respectfully, rather than down or slightingly, are not apparent.
And to make it worse, some, in an expression of contempt, will sprinkle their remarks with all kinds of unwanted language, usually aimed at other people. More like a diatribe than a dialogue.
Feeding this tendency is the fact that we don’t see the other parties and will probably never meet them so why worry about the rage our comments provoke. Let it rip. Say what you really think. Fire off a response with no regard for the person at the other end.
And if anyone doesn’t like it, who cares! Haven’t we fought for the right to speak freely.
Yes, the first amendment protects the right to speak freely but those who wrote that principle into law were well experienced in making and responding to arguments respectfully. They sometimes spoke heatedly in the process of carving out constitutional rights but they remained focused on the issue not the respondents.
And they made the assumption that we, the constituents, would understand that insulting, hateful, dismissive, contradictory, vindictive and threatening remarks aimed at individuals were not fundamentals of free speech.
We have proven them wrong on that account and that is why recent laws have been written to curb our vicious free speaking tendencies.
Yes, it is a great privilege not only to think but also to share our thoughts but remember the following rules before and as you write.
- Don’t express your anger.
One of the reasons we post articles or make comments is to disagree and one thing that provokes us to respond quickly is anger. Being angry is OK but expressing it is not. Others might “care” that you are angry but they aren’t interested in having to absorb it.
Responding angrily reflects on you not the antagonist or their opinions. Every sensible person can recognize good thought when they hear it and are turned off and away at the sound of angry insults.
So, save your breath. If you wish to make an impact with your argument edit out the anger.
Your anger really doesn’t fool anyone anyway. People become aggressive for the same reason they become defensive. They don’t have an intelligent answer readily available and insult is their way of smoke screening their lack of thought.
So, don’t start a comment with “How can you say blah, blah, blah?” or “Do you really think…?” Those are euphemistic ways of calling someone a blockhead. It’s passive aggressive at best and, to be honest, useless in a dialogue format designed for brevity. Focus on the idea not the person.
If you don’t understand, be big enough to say so. If you need more information, ask for it. If you have something to contribute share it but don’t ask a question that makes no contribution or attacks the other person.
Oh, and don’t stray from the point. It’s OK to have a different perspective on the common thread but “the price of rice in China” may not be relevant, so save it for another post.
If another person’s comments make you uncomfortable say so but leave your verbal flame thrower out of the mix. Offering constructive arguments centered on the issue is the best way to understand another person’s point of view. You can’t expect them to acknowledge yours if you don’t respectfully consider theirs.
Remember this. We are all after the same thing, truth, and any person will consider reasonable ideas offered without malice and, who knows they might be persuaded if you don’t require them to apologize for entertaining thoughts different to yours.
Take your time and make your points carefully without being unnecessarily pointed.
- Don’t be accusing.
It is easy to judge a person’s motives but, again, it only reflects on you. It is the confessional equivalent of…
“I don’t understand you or your position and I am too afraid – or lazy – to think about it! Therefore, you must be a liar or thief or stupid!”
And, unfortunately, proving your opponent to be “bad” doesn’t actually prove them wrong. Once you’ve made your accusation you still need to make your argument and unproven accusations are, in fact, slander. So if you aren’t prepared to rigorously prove your accusation keep it to yourself for the time being.
If no argument is forthcoming, after vilifying the other party, you have succeeded only in alienating your disputant and possibly many others who sympathize with the other person’s situation if not their ideas.
- Do think thoroughly and choose words carefully.
Remember that communicating only with written words requires great precision. Francis Bacon said:
“Writing maketh an exact man”
…But only if he or she is very careful in what they say and how they say it.
Everyday communication is largely non-verbal. Tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, gestures and body language speak volumes in normal interaction but all of that falls away on the net. “Inflected” meaning must be written into the text.
If you are uncertain, say it. If you are sincere, say it. If you find an idea offensive, say it but do so humbly, with words people can understand and tolerate.
It’s very easy to open a response with “I disagree” followed by all the reasons why, but it might be better to say something like…
“I’ve always thought differently to what you’ve said in your post but I am curious why you think…”
You can’t judge or answer the other person’s ideas until you have unpacked them. Ask questions before you make arguments and consider the issues personally before hand. Don’t regurgitate what others have said. There is no honor in repeating someone else’s argument just because YOU respect them. They may be wrong. And making the effort to at least put their thought into your own words first may help clarify it.
Blogging can be a bit like driving angry only worse. When behind a computer keyboard – as with driving – we say things to people we would never say to their face.
The difference is every comment made on a computer is heard loud and clear and can be read over and over thus reliving the sensation repeatedly. It’s verbal abuse in the form of a letter.
We speak badly to others on the net for the same reason we do it behind the wheel of a car. We think they will never see us or know us personally.
However, if you wish to be heard – the point of blogging – you must speak as if you’re standing right in front of the other party. It makes all the difference in the world when you do.
And remember this. A very wise man made this statement a long time ago:
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
In other words, if you can’t say something nicely, don’t say anything at all.
What do you THINK!AboutIt?