Grief is a normal and natural response to significant change or loss. When a parent dies, there is a finality that helps the child come to terms with the loss. Divorce does not have the traditional rituals for mourning. Each family member experiences the loss in a different way.
A child’s grief for the loss of the original family may be deep and prolonged. There may be a sense of powerlessness about parental decisions. Typically, the child has less contact with at least one parent and extended family. This may mean a change in family traditions. The economics of divorce often mean at move of households, and the child may lose a familiar neighbourhood or school.
Some children whose parents are divorced must deal with the conflict that may continue long after the legal work is done. In most cases, the child remains loyal to both parents even though the parents may have difficulty tolerating one another. There may be silent pressures on a child to side with one parent or the other. Many children describe feeling “caught in the middle” between their parents. Almost all children of divorce describe feeling helpless at this time of far-reaching decision-making.
For children, there is not usually a good guy or a bad guy when parents divorce. This may be difficult for an angry or hurt parent to understand, let alone supporting the child in a relationship with the other parent. Yet the success children have adjusting to divorce seems to depend on how well parents protect them from the conflicts of the adult relationship. A child who is not expected to take sides is likely to adjust more quickly and more fully to the family changes. On the other hand, a child caught in the parental conflict is likely to feel unsettled and powerless in the family war.
An adolescent is trying to become a self-sufficient human being. Such independence can only come after the teen has gone through a period of being very self-centred. This may be a trying time for all concerned. When parents divorce during this stage, the teen’s normal search for independence may be interrupted. Some teens must suddenly assume more responsibility and others are stopped in their tracks as parents sort out the changed family.
As well as the usual developmental tasks, the adolescent in the divorcing family must deal with the reality of separation. This brings with it grief for that change. The adolescent who is just developing as a sexual being may be anxious or cynical about intimate relationships. Important chances to learn about healthy relationships may be lost. If mom or dad has started dating, adolescent girls especially are more likely to date and be sexually active at an early age.
One of the important ways adolescents find a clear sense of self is to hold and declare strong opinions about almost everything. When divorce occurs, they often express strong opinions about that too. The younger teen especially is liable to side with one parent or the other. Parents who understand this will be more inclined to accept the child’s anger and to maintain the important parent-child relationship.
Custody and visiting planning must include the child’s needs. The teen who has begun the push for independence will be less and less family-focused. A parent who insists on this child’s presence as part of the fair share of time may meet rebellion and sometimes outright hostility on the part of the son or daughter. The fact a child wants to spend less time with parents in favor of more time with friends and other activities reflects normal adolescent development, not loss of affection for either parent.
A teen in a divorcing family likely faces more hurdles than teens in two-parent families but most can survive the transition relatively unscathed. Parents who respect the teen’s feelings of grief and anger and do not include the child in conflicts help create a healthy adjustment to a changed family. Also, parents who understand the normal adolescent testing of limits are more likely to respect their teen’s strivings for independence. Teens who have this kind of guidance are then free to deal with double challenge of growing up and coming to terms with changed families.