Are you struggling with the behaviour of one of your children?
Do you find managing behavour of your children challenging?Does everything seems a battle? Do they hit or lash out at a sibling? Do you find yourself then stepping in and conflict escalating?
How does this child feel? Instead of managing behaviour poorly, when we look under their behaviour to the difficult feelings underneath, we are more likely to resolve. Very often, if there is sibling rivalry, they feel less loved, less favoured by the parent. They react by saying ‘why do you always pick on me? Why do you punish me? You never give out to him! It’s not fair!”. When we listen, we learn and then we might rethink time outs, consequences and discipline which only serve to reinforce that feeling.
Change the feeling and they will change their behaviour – how?
- Start by regulating your own emotion and remaining calm
- Stay connected to the child by being warm and understanding
- Move from controlling them ‘I’m the boss; do as I say’ to guiding them with warmth and understanding. When we are different; they respond differently!
- Do not compare
- Do not take sides
- Give One on One time ‘8 minutes a day make a child feel loved, valued and secure. This means stop and spend some time with them (with no phones or screens). Take an interest in what is happening in their world. Build in snuggle time on waking and snuggle time on sleeping at night to create calm and harmony in the home. Oh, and get up earlier, so there is time for the meltdown without you getting stressed and shouting.
Understanding the Child’s behaviour
The child is craving the time with the parent, but unconsciously uses negative attention to get to your attention. Focus on giving time as the more positive attention you give, the less negative attention they will seek.
Troubled behaviour is a cry for help
A challenging behaviour is when you think that the child is trying to make your life difficult, wrong. The child is trying to draw attention that life is not easy for them. Therefore, choose love, and remember to ‘Separate the Child from the behaviour’ and say ‘I love you; but that behaviour is not okay. When I calm down and you calm down; we will talk about it; but not until then’.
Take Care of yourself
When we ‘Keep our glass full’ we have time for the child; if we have built in a little time for ourselves. When our glass is empty, we are running on empty, and we may feel cranky, irritable and impatient. Every day, build in a little time for you to do what you love; even if it means you have to get up earlier, it is worth it! That thirty minutes of exercise will make the rest of the day more manageable and keep stress at bay. Stress happens when we stop doing the things that are good for us, so remember you cannot look after anyone till you first take care of yourself. You deserve taking care of!