For older kids, the routine is similar but a little more complex than with a toddler. Specifically, avoid giving your child or teen the answer to problems or concerns. To teach independence to school-age or teenaged kids, it is important to ask for solutions that they believe will work in specific situations. Be careful not to overreact if they say something you might disagree with or worry about. Instead, focus on asking about the consequences of the solution. For instance, your daughter tells you she had a fight with a friend about a comment the friend made to her. She proposes telling the friend that she is a jerk for her comment. Rather than reacting by saying that you disapprove, ask instead, what do you think will happen if you say that to your friend? Play this scenario out with your child if they need help by asking open-ended questions (e.g. How might she take that comment? What could this do to your friendship?). In all cases, avoid telling your child or teen what to do. Telling or doing for your child or teen is the route to dependence NOT independence. Similarly, if you always pick up your child's room, he or she will not learn to be independently responsible. Picking out your child's clothes until they graduate high school conveys dependence also. When they do activities, that are age appropriate for themselves, they learn independence skills. Allowing these activities is also a great way for them to feel they have some ability to make decisions in their home environment.
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