Same-sex marriage is now legal throughout the USA. This is a good thing, it’s always nice when people get equal treatment under the law. Sadly, not everyone agrees. Such is the speed of modern news and communication that announcement of the Supreme Court decision was essentially immediately followed by furious objections and doom-laden predictions of the collapse of society for various reasons.
It’s easy to dismiss these objections as angry incoherent bitterness from people who can’t or won’t accept that the rest of the human race doesn’t have to conform to their antiquated views, and many people do just that. But what if they’re not? What if there are genuine scientific reasons to fear same-sex marriage? After all, we in the UK know that same-sex marriage caused extreme flooding when it was legalised here, and now that it’s permitted in a country with the size and influence of the USA the consequences could be even more catastrophic. Here are just some possibilities we should brace ourselves for.
The overturning of nature
Governor Mike Huckabee pointed out that for the Supreme Court to legalise same-sex marriage is to overturn nature, which is impossible.
However, same-sex marriage is now legal, so clearly it is possible for humans to overturn nature. This opens up a wide variety of problems, given how nature is responsible for everything that keeps the planet running. Clearly LGBT people have the power to overrule nature to suit their own needs. While we can hope they restrict this ability to things like increasing the number of rainbows, there’s no guarantee of this. What if some careless homosexual is struggling with a heavy suitcase and decides to lower the mass of the planet to reduce the strength of gravity? We’d all be flung out of the atmosphere without warning.
This wouldn’t be a problem if same-sex marriage were natural, like opposite-sex marriage. Opposite-sex marriage occurs all the time in nature. Numerous species are regularly seen in naturally occurring registry offices signing naturally occurring forms to ensure their marriage is recognised by naturally occurring legal frameworks. Penguins are especially known for this, which is why they look like they’re wearing suits.
Too many rainbows
As already hinted at, the celebrations of the legalisation of same-sex marriage have resulted in a stark increase in the number of rainbows seen everywhere. The rainbow is the symbol of the LGBT movement, so this makes sense. No harm in rainbows, right?
Wrong! It may seem like harmless celebration to put rainbows in every possible location, but what about the effect this is having on the eyes of those who have to look at them? The retina in the eye relies on photoreceptors, specialised cells that detect light. Because they’re organic and rely on biological processes, these photoreceptors can become exhausted if exposed to a particular stimulus for too long. Constant exposure to rainbows could mean people can’t see colours as well, and this could be disastrous. How will they know when to stop or go at a traffic light? Or which wire to cut when defusing a bomb?
This isn’t even considering the possible damage to children. The young brain’s visual cortex is still developing and this development is based on what the young person sees. Constant exposure to bright primary colours in the same regular pattern could potentially disrupt or warp their visual system leading future generations to have altered colour perception. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!
The climate damage
Legalising same-sex marriage has one obvious result; more marriages. This means, more weddings. Weddings mean a lot of people gathered in one place, a situation which normally makes a place very warm, seeing as how people give off body heat. People also have to travel to weddings, often over long distances. This requires vehicles, the vast majority of which give off CO2.
This situation is even worse if you include destination weddings, where the happy couple and guests fly to other countries to tie the knot, and flying gives off even more CO2. Increasing the number of weddings will no doubt lead to more of this, and thus increasing the threat and potential damage of climate change.
Overall, opponents of same-sex marriage could make an effective and logical case against marriage simply by highlighting the dangers of climate change. None of them seem to be doing this though. Weird.
The slippery slopes
One of the main arguments against same-sex marriage is that marriage is for procreation, and a couple of the same sex can’t reproduce. However, given that legalising same-sex marriage overturns the laws of nature, this means the laws of nature preventing same sex couples from reproducing are now null and void, so maybe same sex couples can reproduce.
Another argument is the slippery slope argument, which says that legalising same sex marriage will inevitably lead to people entering polygamous marriages, entering into incestuous marriages, or even marrying animals like dogs and cats.
What if this happens? What if people enter into legal marriages with animals? With the laws of nature now obsolete, this would mean such marriages can include procreation. And where will this end up? A race of half-human half-animal hybrids, that’s where! We’ll turn Earth into a veritable planet of Doctor Moreau, bringing human civilisation to an end.
Admittedly, most of the things discussed here aren’t exactly “likely”, more “the fevered ramblings of an unhinged mind” at best.
Dean Burnett has yet to be invited to a same-sex wedding but definitely isn’t bitter about that. He’s on Twitter, @garwboy
- The Idiot Brain by Dean Burnett (Guardian Faber, £12.99). To order a copy for £7.99, go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99.