Last week, I wrote about how counter-intuitive, yet essential Play is to learning. As ethologist Robert Fagen has said, “In a world continuously presenting unique challenges and ambiguity, play prepares [animals] for an evolving planet.” This is as true of humans as it is of other mammals.
However, as central as Play is, we cannot loose sight of basic skills. All advanced learning sits on a foundation of basic skills. Algebra, geography, and calculus rely on a student’s number sense and command of number facts. The bedrock of Literacy is connecting a symbol to a sound. For example, the symbol “c” represents two sounds, "s" and “k”. (City & cent are "s"; cat & cow are "k"). In SEL, the three most foundational skills are self-regulation, working memory, and cognitive flexibility. Without mastery of basic skills, kids get bogged down when they are expected to learn more advanced skills, and soon come to distrust or hate school, or themselves.
If you think that I’m going to make a case for a return to “Skill and Drill” learning, hold tight. That isn’t where I am going.
Mastery vs. Proficiency
Sometimes children appear to have mastered basic skills, but really they are proficient. The difference is very important. If you think of your skill as a driver, most adults would say that they can drive automatically (masterfully). And, if they had to drive on the left side of the road, in England or Japan, they could. But driving on the left would take all of their attention and be exhausting. Eventually, with practice, they could become masterful at driving on the left. Mastery is when you learn a skill so well that you can do it automatically, even when conditions are not ideal. We can do this because our brains are very adaptive, even into our 90s.
Learning to mastery is vital because as a child moves up through the grades, new skills are made from the building blocks of more basic skills. Not having automaticity costs the child in speed and accuracy. For example, if a third grader must think more than 5 seconds about what 7x12 equals, s/he has not mastered that math fact. When they learn area and perimeter in 4th or 5th grade, they are likely to make careless mistakes because they are juggling A=πr2 and 7x12=84. Building on a foundation of weak basic skills is like building a house on shifting sand. It just won’t work.
Likewise, if the child hasn't mastered self-regulation, at the end of a long day, when confronted or challenged, the child with the wobbly self-regulation is unlikely to inhibit her/himself. Tears, lashing out, or even a full-blown meltdown happens. The child was skillful enough under ideal conditions, but when tired didn't have enough mastery to self-regulate. Unfortunately, if this happens a lot, we blame the child rather than seeing that the child needs help in mastering the basic skill.
The Marshmallow Test
The Marshmallow Test is a famous research study on self-regulation in children by Stanford professor Walter Mischel. In the Marshmallow Test, a child is asked to resist temptation—wait to eat a marshmallow—for 15 minute. If they waited, they would get two marshmallows. In SEL jargon, the child is being asked to exhibit inhibition towards a goal. Kids who can wait 15 minutes without eating the marshmallow are “successful inhibitors,” kids who couldn't wait and ate the marshmallow are “unsuccessful inhibitors.” Around 30% of four year olds can wait.
Researcher Stuart Shanker re-created the Marshmallow Test, but added something new. After doing the classic Marshmallow Test, Shanker divided the kids into successful and unsuccessful inhibitors. Then he retested them. But he made sure that the unsuccessful inhibitors were in a state of “optimal regulation,” meaning that they were rested, calm, and fed. And the successful inhibitors were artificially put in a state of dysregulation (by doing things like testing them at 8 am). What he found was that results were highly influenced by whether the child was stressed or optimally regulated. Lastly, he took the group of unsuccessful inhibitors and taught them tricks that the successful inhibitors used (sing a song to pass the time, hide the marshmallow from view, etc.) Of the unsuccessful inhibitors, once they learned strategies, more than 30% were able to self-inhibit. Shanker showed that environment affects self-regulation and self-regulation can be learned.
Why Does This Matter?
Since public education started in America, experts have been debating teaching methodologies and curriculum styles. We argue about almost everything, standardized testing, technology, and on and on. These disagreements miss the point because they assume teaching is all about pouring knowledge into children. In my opinion, our energy is better spent focusing on mastery of basic skills.
When a child is learning more complex skills (eg, spelling, compositions, reading comprehensions, writing composition) but has not mastered the specific basic skills that buttress the new skill, their performance will look inconsistent. Because the foundation is too weak. Nevertheless, we think something is wrong with the kid. Or that the curriculum doesn’t fit the child’s learning style. But what we need to understand is that inconsistency is a downstream symptom. And that symptom is telling us something. We need to look upstream to figure it out.
Why can a child write an amazing story in Writer’s Workshop well beyond her/his years, but fall apart when she/he must write a non-fiction persuasive composition? Is it because the child is lazy, oppositional, or self-indulgent? Parents and teachers often tear out their hair when they ask a child what is up and the child explains, “I like writing fiction. I don’t like writing non-fiction.”
And the child is ABSOLUTELY right. Because a child who enjoys writing fiction is optimally regulated in the act of writing fiction. But the child is not optimally regulated when writing non-fiction. For the child, writing fiction is a form of Play. Or as close to Play as school can get. The child’s imagination is captivated, and therefore he/she can compensate for the wobbly basic skills. Their excitement for writing fiction helps them to push through boredom, frustration, and doubt. Remember, Play is characterized by 1) timelessness and 2) diminished self-criticism. When faced with a task that they don’t enjoy because it isn’t relevant, interesting, challenging, or immediately rewarding, they cannot persist. They cannot self-regulate.
The Good News and the Even Better News
Thank you for sticking with me to the end. This has been long. But I think it is worth it because there is really good news.
Basic skills can be mastered later. Working memory can be improved, self-regulation can be learned, and this is true of many other SEL skills. Likewise, math sense and phonemic awareness can be mastered, as well as lot of other basic academic skills. It takes time and practice.
Here is the most important thing to know: focusing on basic skills does not mean that creativity, spontaneity, or Play must be sacrificed. Many people think “rigor” or “learning to mastery” mean that a child’s love of learning will be killed. I could not disagree more. Play and mastering basic skills are not opposites. As one scholar said, “Play is our brain's favorite way of learning.” Why? Because Play is most often a repetitive, rhythmic, rewarding, social, and multi-sensory activity.
It is hard at first to find ways to teach basic skills through Play, mainly because as a culture we are in the habit of thinking of Play as childish. However, if you think about it, the most brilliant minds in the world could not have come up with a better method for learning new things.
For more information on how to make learning at home playful, check out the SEL webpages later this month. Another great resource is Math Specialist Lara Francisco’s website (there is an entire page of math games) and Reading Specialist Laura Cooper’s website.
(disclaimer: I am not a professional educator. I speak as a parent who has read a great deal about SEL, neuroscience, and learning disabilities)
**a note on the title—this quote is often attributed to Aristotle. He said something like it, but these words were written in 1991 by Will Durant in his book The Story of Philosophy.
Last week, I wrote about how counter-intuitive, yet essential Play is to learning. As ethologist Robert Fagen has said, “In a world continuously presenting unique challenges and ambiguity, play prepares [animals] for an evolving planet.” This is as true of humans as it is of other mammals.
I heard a news article on NPR last week about a Kindergarten in Vermont where every Monday, Eliza Minnucci and her kindergarten class spend the entire day outside in the nearby woods. Minnucci, who created the curriculum after reading about forest schools in Switzerland, calls it "Forest Monday." The idea is simple: learning is experiential and nature-based. Minnucci explained that kids study a subject like force and leverage by looking for and testing out concrete examples of levers and fulcrums they find in the woods. The hands-on learning engages kids in a way that chalkboard instruction doesn't. Forest Monday brought to my mind the scene in The Sound of Music where Maria teaches the von Trapp children how to sing while rambling through the countryside and dancing next to a grand palace fountain.
I was not surprised to hear that Forest Monday has been a success. From the interview, I could tell that there was so much more going on than just having kids outside every Monday. Of course, Kindergartners would thrive outside. But what must have also made a difference is that their teacher was making at least a majority of one day be child-led/child-organized. I don't mean free-for-all. I mean that children's personal interests and need for independence took precedent over the adult need to organize, instruct, and tame. The children had long stretches of time being autonomous. They were allowed to delve deeply and repeatedly in an experience or a subject. And, most importantly, they were using their motor and cognitive cortices together. Brilliant.
I wondered to myself if Minnucci's curriculum might be adopted by other schools. Sadly, I don't think many schools would even consider it. The thing is, we don't trust children to learn. Which is nuts because children have an almost unquenchable thirst for it. They want to experiment, to invent, to test, and to tell us about all that they learn. And most of us know this about kids, but we are so worried about test scores, "accountability", and our kids going to college, that we obsess about content. We treat them like empty vessels that we must fill to overflowing. If they can retain enough information—the right information—then they are educated.
On Monday, I went to see Most Likely to Succeed, a documentary that looks critically at education in America, asserts that our educational systems are outdated, and then asks what alternatives might look like. Much of the film is spent looking at a Project Based Learning high school in San Diego, High Tech High, and how its innovative style of teaching succeeds where conventional public education has failed. (The film does not claim to have answers, just that past time to find new models and structures in public education).
What jumped out at me about the 9th grade students that the filmmaker focused on was that they were deeply engaged in heady subjects such as the rise & fall of ancient civilizations. Like their subject matter, their PBL projects were ambitious. One group of students was mounting an original play, while the other created an intricate cog-and-gear machine that explained the interconnection of economic, social, and political components in ancient cultures. Yet, much of the time, the students didn't look like typical overworked, stressed out high school kids. Instead, they looked like a Homecoming committee making a float or a mad scientist club making a "transmogifier." What could be mistaken for playing was actually students learning through exploration, collaboration, and creation.
Stuart Brown, retired professor and psychiatrist, has been a pioneer in the scientific study of Play. Brown defines Play as "something that’s done for its own sake, it’s voluntary, it’s pleasurable, it’s something that kind of takes us out of a sense of time." Key ideas about Play are that 1) when a person is engaged in play, they have a diminished sense of time (e.g. "lost in a book," "in their own world", and "caught up in the moment") and 2) the person has a "diminished sense of self-consciousness", aka their inner critic is quiet for a little while.
We take Play for granted. We see constantly see people at play in the media and in real life. What we don't know, because for us it is so innate, is that humans are almost unique in that we continue to play throughout our lifespan. Most other animals do not. All animals engage in Play as juveniles, but most stop once they enter adolescence. Even our primate cousins, chimpanzees, do not usually play once they reach adulthood. Our deep-rooted need to play is likely the reason that humans are so resourceful, collaborative, and able to live in so many different habitats. It is the root of our extraordinarily creative and complex culture.
In Most Likely to Succeed, international education reformer Sir Ken Robinson explains that public eduction in America for over 100 years has been designed to produce good workers for the Industrial Age. The unspoken aim of education policy makers is not "Eduction for the Sake of Education." Whether we acknowledge it or not, schools have been designed to be factories that produce workers, and the ideal is that schools should do so reliably, quantifiably, and efficiently. Robinson says that this is categorically the wrong design for fostering 21st century learners and workers. (Click here to find out what Robinson advises.)
I think that the most important take away about Forest Monday and High Tech High is that the teachers understand and honor the indispensable role of Play as a mode of learning. I do not mean play as a "carrot" for hard work or "getting to play" once the work is complete. Rather, Minnucci and the High Tech High teachers have intentionally designed classrooms where Play is the principal catalyst for self-directed, creative, and collaborative learning. It might seem implausible or fanciful that Play could be the keystone of learning. In America, we think of playing as antithetical to any serious endeavor. How could it be? Play is not goal-oriented, nor doesn't produce anything useful. It isn't predictable, quantifiable, or consistent. Moreover, Play is messy. It is often fraught with conflict and emotions. We have been taught to think of Play as secondary and unessential, and that it takes time away from the real work that needs to get done.
But Play is one of the best ways to learn any complex skill or demanding subject. It fuels learning in a way nothing else really can. Play is where we first learn SEL skills as babies and toddlers, through Attunement Play. We later may learn more complex SEL skills, such as problem-solving, conflict resolution, and positive decision making through Social Play, Object Play, and Imaginative-Pretend Play. If you want a child to learn persistence and resilience, give him/her endless opportunities to engage in Play, most especially Rough-and-Tumble Play. If you want to foster Growth Mindset and creativity, again Play is the best way. As innovative psychologist Lev Vygotsky wrote, "In play a child always behaves beyond his average age, above his daily behavior. In play it is as though he were a head taller than himself." (for more on Patters of Play, go here)
With summer almost here, I invite you to think about how much time you make in your life for Play. You may want to consider ways to give yourself and your kids more opportunities to play together. Stuart Brown wrote: "…there is a kind of magic in play. What might seem like a frivolous or even childish pursuit is ultimately beneficial. It’s paradoxical that a little bit of 'nonproductive' activity can make one enormously more productive and invigorated in other aspects of life. When an activity speaks to one’s deepest truth, …it is a catalyst, enlivening everything else.” As I said above, we can be very suspicious of Play for its own sake. But truly, it is its own reward.
Lastly, give your children and their friends opportunities to play on their own in child-organized play. Stuart Brown says that what children today most need is child-led, child-organized Play. I know—nerve wracking. But you might be amazed; kids are very good at figuring out that conflict means the Play stops, and cooperation leads to much more time to be "lost in Play."
For more information about Brown, he has a book, a TED talk, and a website.
David Elliott recently recommended a column by David Brooks, columnist for the New York Times, about parents, love and merit.
While I admire Brooks, and enjoyed “Love & Merit,” I was surprised to realize it was not exactly helpful to me as a parent. Brooks speaks to the dangers of conditioned love, which is an important warning. He describes well what meritocratic love can look like and why it is corrosive. Yet, his discourse on unconditional love is so spare that it amounts to “be good.”
I don’t disagree that parental love should be unconditional, but I’m guessing that lots of parents these days wonder how. And worry that unconditional support will not prepare their child for the realities of life. Realizing this, I got that what I wanted was for Brooks to write a follow-up piece. One that talks about what unconditional love looks like. Not likely; at least not soon. So, I thought to myself, what do I know about unconditional love, and how to bring more of it into my children's lives.
I grew up with an unconventional father. He was a family therapist by profession, and —not surprising if you know me— unapologetically curious and contemplative. From him, I often heard about “unconditional positive regard,” which is a term coined by Carl Rogers, a giant in 20th century psychology. Rogers developed the concept to describe the support a therapist or counselor gives to a client. But he also saw unconditional positive regard as a fundamental part of all healthy relationships. My father taught me to apply the concept of unconditional positive regard to parenting.
Unconditional positive regard is a great model for figuring out what unconditional parental love is, and how to give it to your kids. To be certain, it is a wordy concept and not exactly intuitive. Let me explain it a bit backwards. By “regard”, Rogers meant giving another your attention in a way that lets them know that they are seen and heard— that they matter to people in their lives. Regard does not have to be gazing into the eyes of a child with meaning. Rather, regard points to giving attention generously and with intention.
Rogers used “positive” to indicate that you actively communicate to the other person that they are already competent and resourceful. He based his work in psychology on the belief that human beings are essentially good. For Rogers, to give a loved one “positive regard” is to communicate that he/she is able to be self-aware, to solve problems, and to learn from mistakes. It is not to hover or rescue, nor to safeguard from pain.
Lastly, by “unconditional” Rogers mean accepted. He did not mean uncritical or misty-eyed. Unconditional means to say “I love you and you didn’t take out the garbage” or “I love you because you are you, not because you are good at math.” Unconditional does not mean that you are blind to negative behavior. But it does mean that you communicate that your regard is not contingent on compliance or achievement. Unconditional is accept the other person for who they are right now, for being their own unique self.
What is very different about the concept of unconditional positive regard is that it is a very active way of being, whereas much of the conventional ways of explaining unconditional love to me seem passive. Or at the least, seem to be non-active activities that occur once. Perhaps this is the problem of all statements that exhort: just do it! drink milk! be yourself! They somehow sit outside of time, waiting to be acted upon.
But unconditional positive regard gives parents a way we can be supportive, positive, and accepting. The focus shifts to how the adult is communicating to the child that he/she loves the child. And in doing so, the adult turns his/her attention to who the child is, rather than the transitory behavior of the child. The shift from "what are you doing to earn my attention and love" to "you are loved as you are" gives the child a launchpad to living authentically, and rooted in meaning and belonging.
That is great you say, but still there is a cloud of doubt that rolls in. Won’t lavishing unconditional positive regard on your child spoil them?? It might seem so. But much of what we now know from 40+ years of research on children and parenting is that unconditional positive regard correlates to the outcomes that we most want for our kids. Things like drive, determination, grit, resilience, creativity, audacity, and gratitude.
Intrinsic motivation (aka Drive) is grounded in purpose, mastery (or fluency), and autonomy. Research has shown that carrots & sticks have limited power to motivate people through complex tasks. The more complex the task, the less traditional motivational techniques work. What research has found is that mastery and autonomy are crucial, and both are rooted in self-awareness, self-acceptance, resilience and persistence. Conditioned love does not foster any of these, but unconditional positive regard, especially by a parent or teacher, does.
A key characteristic of Growth Mindset is persistence in the face of setbacks. People with growth mindsets are able to persist because their self-worth isn’t based on performance. Don’t get me wrong, they value performance but they do not feel that their self-worth hinges on performance. They are able to embrace risk because they have an abiding self-worth that was fostered by the love and acceptance of those who they most love.
Resistance to peer pressure and a resilience in the face of bullying are correlated to a deep sense of meaning and belonging. We have many cultural myths about which kids are likely to be bullies and which kids are likely to be victims. But the truth is that most kids are at one time the bully and at other times, the victim. The role that most kids play most of the time is bystander. Many anti-bullying curricula are trying to figure out how to help bystanders become advocates, to call out bullying. They have found that the kids who are most likely to stand up to their peers when they see bullying are the kids who have the greatest sense of belonging. Children who feel accepted and significant bully others less, are less likely to be victims, and will speak up when they are a bystander.
Brené Brown, who researches vulnerability, has written, “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.” There are many roads to helping your child develop a sense of love and belonging. Positive discipline, attachment parenting, & mindful parenting are among some of the best. And I believe the intentionality and mindfulness of unconditional positive regard is a great way as well.
Two weeks ago, I went to our Parent Ed event, and enjoyed Dr. Laura Kastner speak about Wise-minded parenting. The last question of the evening was a great one, posed by a dad of two. First he explained, "I've read lots of the books and I've gone to classes. And they seem great, but I don't get the results that I expected." Then he asked, "When does it get better?"
I recognized that feeling oh so well. I took my first parenting class in 2008. I went to every class, did all the homework, and read the books. By the end of 6 weeks, I understood the strategies, but I could never remember to implement them in the heat of the moment with my kids. I would realize what to do hours later, often after losing it and giving up. I felt horrible; I couldn't get it right. So many times I wondered if I just wasn't cut out to be a nurturing, responsible, respectful parent.
I now know that I was stuck in "Conscious Incompetence." I wanted to be a parenting savant. But it seemed that when I was trying my hardest to be positive, encouraging, kind-but-firm, I would be back to nagging, ordering, scolding, and cajoling. The worst thing was when I’d notice that I was doing exactly what the books said not to do. With learning, I’d developed awareness. Then, fast on its heels, came self-criticism. And fear.
I kept reading, let ideas incubate, and managed. Had a third kid. Two steps forward, two steps back. I got a little better, but still felt stymied. Usually, I made it work by doing everything for my kids. Which would work briefly, then collapse. My parenting felt knee-jerk and didn't jibe with all the SEL that I read about (and, frankly, with three kids, we were outnumbered). So, my husband and I decided to take Julietta Skoog's Parenting from the Heart class, which teaches Positive Discipline.
And it was amazing. (Julietta is brilliant. Just brilliant.) That's when I learned about Conscious Incompetence, which is one of the Four Stages of Competence. Julietta explained that you move from Unconscious Incompetence to Conscious Incompetence, then onto Conscious Competence, and Unconscious Competence whenever you learn a new skill.
Can you ride a bike? Do you remember when you didn't know how? I do. It felt the same as when I'd watch a preschool teacher magically get 5 shoes on 5 wiggly kids, line the whole class up for the playground and go, all in 5 minutes. Unattainable, magical, impossible. But I learned how to ride a bike. What did it take? What all skill building takes—practice. But it also takes something more. I suddenly connected the dots three days ago at Monday Morning Meeting.
It was when QAE teacher Devin Liner introduced April's theme, which is Patience. Mr. Liner explained that "Patience is quiet steady perseverance.” But Patience is also patience with oneself and with others. Zap. Click. Whirl. AHA! Positive Parenting also takes patience! Patience with yourself and your children.
It really hit me when Mr. Liner shared Saadi Shiazi's quote: "Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy." This is so true of everything!!! Bicycles, math facts, spelling & phonograms, yoga, time management. If it is worth learning, it will be difficult to master until you master it. Then it feels easy.
So, to anyone who has had those feelings of self-doubt as a Positive Parenting novice, think back to when your child was learning to walk. Recall how patient you were, how compassionate, and that it took many missteps and crashes for your wobbler to become masterful. Give yourself the same patience.
And compassionately acknowledge that the more complex a skill, the longer it will take to master it. Human beings come hardwired to learn to walk and talk. We don't come hard wired to know what to do when our child draws on the wall with a Sharpie. Three days in a row.
The singularly good news to anyone who has picked up a parenting book or taken a parenting class is this: it gets better. Have patience.
co-Chair, SEL Committee
About a year or two ago, I noticed that I needed reading glasses. I went to the eye doctor and got a pair of readers. No big deal. Or so I thought.
What I didn't anticipate was how much little things would bug me. Like not seeing my own signature when I sign something. Or how some picture books are much harder to see in cosy, getting ready for bedtime light. And how impossibly small the print on most plastic bottles is.
I'm an adult. I understand what is going on. I can buy plenty of reading glasses so that they are always at hand. I know to move to better light; take deep breaths; be patient. And yet, I am often frustrated and grouchy when what I used to be able to see so easily is now out of focus. Which made me think, what must it be like to have a sensory input problem if you don't understand it, don't have words to describe it, and don't know how to fix it?
Sensory Integration Disorder isn't well known or understood by most parents. All of our senses (sight, taste, touch, hearing, smell, balance, and motion) take in information from our environment and that data goes to different parts of the brain for processing. Each sense is processed in different parts of the brain, and some senses are processed in multiple parts of the brain. It is quite complicated, yes?
For some kids, the sensory data gets mixed up or misreported. Other kids struggle with under- or over- sensitivity to things like light, touch, and sound. If they are over-sensitive, they might avoid the things that flood their senses, like going to the grocery store. If they are "hypo" sensitive, they can be sensory seeking, such as preferring tight clothing, or loving being under heavy blankets. But the adults in their world might not know what is up, especially in young children who are not adept at communicating that their senses are out-of-sync with their environment. Usually, their communication looks like irritability, reactive behavior, stubbornness, willfulness, day dreaming, or even tantrums.
What is important to understand is that the reactions of kids with sensory issues are very logical and appropriate. How would you feel if you were trapped in a room with a radio blasting at high volume? Or if you had to wear shoes that were too loose, but everyone told you that you didn't know what you were talking about? Or if people pressured you to eat their favorite food, but to you it tasted soapy or bitter. If your sensory input was different than other peoples', and you noticed that when you said anything, your experience was discounted or rejected, you'd be pretty grumpy and overwhelmed too. You might even throw a tantrum once in a while.
Fortunately, the QAE staff is well aware of sensory issues leading to disruptive "downstream behavior", and that it often interferes with learning. This year, the SEL committee has been purchasing many sensory support items both to support kids with out of sync sensory systems, and with helping all kids experiment with tools for being calm, alert and ready to learn. Items include sound dampening headphones, weighted items, balance boards, and brain breaks.
For more information about Sensory Integration challenges, take a look at the website of the National Sensory Integration Foundation (http://spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html). Or books like The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller.
co-Chair, SEL Committee
Weighted Lap and Shoulder Pads for QAE Classrooms
As part of the Zones of Regulation curriculum, the SEL committee has been working to provide a variety of calm and/or focus tools for each classroom. One that we are especially pleased to offer are weighted lap pads and weighted shoulder pads. The pictures above and below are of our new weighted lap pads, which were delivered to classrooms this week.
QAE mom, Jenny Bartoy, hand-made the weighted items. Jenny has a home-based business of hand crafted fiber art and textile goods. Jenny had never made weighted items, but was willing to experiment to find the best fabrics, sizes, and weights for classroom use (Mistakes are Welcome Here!). Not only did Jenny succeed, she did an fabulous job. The lap pads are colorful, durable, easily washable, and feel great. You can find more of her work at her Etsy store, or through her website: www.jennybartoy.com.
Teachers will make the pads available for children to experiment with during class time. For many kids (and adults too), weighted items are amazingly calming. Kids who have sensory integration struggles, kids who have lots of 'the wiggles', or kids who suffer with anxiety often find the pressure very soothing, and that they are better able to focus for longer stretches. (Weighted items engage proprioceptive and tactile sensory systems.) But all kinds of kids & grown-ups like weighted items.
Weighted items are best when matched to the weight of each child. A good rule of thumb for weighted items is that the item is 10% of a child's weight plus one pound. So a child who weighs 80 lbs. would use a 9 lb. weighted item. For classrooms, Jenny made items in three weights: small (K), medium (1-3), & medium-large (4-5). They are filled with rice in a fabric insert, and have a cotton cover that can be washed separately.
Other types of weighted items are vests and blankets. Blankets can be used for sleep, and occupational therapists report that many parents find that their child sleeps more deeply and is better rested the next day when they use a weighted blanket for sleep. You can purchase a variety of weighted items from specialty education, such as www.funandfunction.com. There are also many websites that offer instructions on how to make weighted items at home.
QAE kids will be introduced to the lap pads over the next week or so, during class meetings. Ask your child if they have tried one, and what they noticed while using it.
co-Chair, SEL Committee
Parenting and teaching are creative acts. We don't generally think of them as such. Our cultural myths are that each is simple, even intuitive. Or that they are a matter of following easily laid out principles or curriculums. Just read a few books and you are good to go.
But parenting and teaching absolutely are not simple nor are they step-by-step processes. They each require a tremendous amount of creative energy. As with all creativity, you cannot continually tap into it without replenishing it. That is why it is so essential to incorporate self-care into your parenting—or teaching—practice.
Self-care not Self-indulgence
If you are like me, around mid-November, you start to feel a little anxious and Grinchy. There are so many more tasks and events as the school year flies by, and the holidays put everything into overdrive.
As I notice myself "in the Yellow Zone" more and more, I am reminded that I need to practice self-care. By self-care, I do not mean self-indulgence. Self-indulgence is great, but indulgences usually don't "give back." True Self-care is like refueling, resetting, or grounding yourself. It is like the regular maintenance an aircraft needs, or the restocking and prepping a surgical room must have to be safe, efficient, and effective.
Here are 6 basic elements of self-care (there may be more. These are ones I've noticed or read about.) These are great for "regular maintenance." In times of stress, you might want to be even more intentional about taking time for self-care. Or if you have a job that is intense and demands a great deal of creativity.
1. Down Time and Breaks
We need time to rest periodically. It may seem counter-intuitive, but taking regular breaks improves your work. Studies have found that rest is essential for learning. Without rest after a new experience has created a new memories, the new information is not moved from working memory to long-term memory. We tend to think that we learn information in the moment that we are exposed to it, but many neurosciences have demonstrated that learning occurs not in the immediate moment but later on in the rehearsing and reinforcing of new neural patterns. University of California physiologist Dr. Loren Frank states, "Almost certainty, downtime lets the brain go over experiences it's had, solidify them and turn them into permanent long-term memories." Further, Frank that if you constantly stimulate the brain, you actually impeded learning. Regular breaks are not indulgent, they are practical!
2. Adequate Sleep
Many sleep researchers now believe that REM sleep and Delta sleep (deep, non-REM sleep) are essential to solidifying memories. Inadequate sleep also undermines many of the important meta-cognitive skills, like working memory, sequencing, and task flexibility. And on a very practice level, sleep is crucial to mood and health. We don't all need the same amount of sleep, but a consensus of sleep scientists agree that most adults need between 7 and 8 hours a night.
3. No Multitasking
Multitasking is a myth. Scientist have demonstrated that when you multitask, you do each task less efficiently. There are exceptions, such as listening to the radio while cooking. But this is only true when the tasks aren't demanding the same kind of attention, and usually when one of the tasks is automatic.
We tend to multitask more than we realize. And here is something very important to note: multitasking causes fragmenting of your attention. And the fragmentation persists for hours after you have stopped multitasking.
One way to counteract the multitasking habit is to set aside times when you do one thing mindfully, such as having only one window open on your computer, or put your smart phone away where you can hear important alerts but aren't tempted to use it to multitask.
There is a ton of research that shows how restorative meditation is. In addition, many different studies have shown that a regular meditation practice will improve memory, sense of self, empathy, and stress. And, the really good news, regularity is more important than quantity. Your practice can start with 5 minutes a day. There are many websites and apps that offer guided meditation, which is a great way to start. Even micro-practices, such as taking a moment to be still and take three slow breaths, can help reduce stress and invite a sense of well-being.
This is the most important thing to know about self-care. Play is essential to human happiness. Human beings are unusual as a species in that we continue to play into adulthood. Some sociologists and developmental psychologists postulate than our endemic playfulness is what led to our incredulity adaptability and resilience. Yet, somehow modern culture has defined play as childish, and adults can feel guilty or embarrassed for enjoying play. We have even renamed exercise to "working out" to differentiate it from childish play.
There are all kinds of play. Physical play, such as sports or recreation; object play, such as a perpetual motion toy, imaginative & pretend play, storytelling-narrative play, and creative play, such as music or art. Pioneer in Play Science research, Dr. Stuart Brown, defines play as "an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time."
The very best gift that you could give to yourself, your spouse, or your children this year is to play more. If you need ideas, Blue Highway Games on the Ave, is a great spot for family games of all kinds. Physical play, like skate boarding, hiking, or skiing, or taking music lessons together are priceless ways to recharge and reconnect.
6. Regular exercise
The good new about getting exercise is that even if your only exercise is walking your dog for 15 mins. twice a day, you still benefit from it. Exercise is great for your brain and your mood. If exercise isn't your thing, try to incorporate just a little bit into your life. Take the stairs, park your car a block away from work and walk, or take a walk with a friend once a week.
Try Just One And See What Your Results Are!
Parents, teachers, and anyone who wants to invite more creativity into their lives, I encourage you to pick one of these self-care tools and try to incorporate it into your day—for the rest of the year. That is less than 45 days. Start small! Take a 5 minute "sit and stare out the window" break. Or 10 minutes of doodling or playing a simple game or puzzle. (but not FB or Buzzfeed). Or assign yourself 45 minutes of no-multitasking. Make it the same time everyday, and make it realistic. You are much more likely to be successful.
Post some suggestions in comments! Tell the community what your self-care tools are.
The bottom line is that self-care is essential. It may feel like you don't have the time (BTDT), but taking the time will pay back ten-fold!
Jared's Cool-Out Space, by Dr. Jane Nelson and Ashlee Wilkin, is a great book that we thought all parents should know about!
It is about a boy named Jared who gets angry, and then he uses his PTOS and his imagination to calm down. Julietta Skoog, our school counselor, has been using the book in the classroom with the younger kids to teach about getting angry and how to learn to calm yourself down. You can read about Jared, and other great SEL books, on a great blog called "Books that Heal Kids."
Reading with your child is a great way to introduce and explore ideas about SEL with kids. Through the narrative, children are able to understand new ideas, and to take the perspective of the characters in the story. Neuroscience research is showing that fiction has a powerful influence on kids and adults. As Annie Murry Paul wrote in The New York Times, "The brain, it seems, does not make much of a distinction between reading about an experience and encountering it in real life; in each case, the same neurological regions are stimulated." (NYT, March 17 2012) When we read about a character having a strong emotion, our brains light up in the same regions that process that same emotion. So, when Ramona the Pest gets angry at her sister Beezus, our brains mirror that emotion. When Charlie is told by Willy Wonka that he is to take over the Chocolate factory, our brains light up with surprise and delight.
Author Jonathan Gottschall, a professor of literature at Washington and Jefferson College and author of The Storytelling Animal, proposes that stories are where we work out weighty, complex ideas as well as wrestling with the dilemmas that we all face. Children often use fiction as a way to safely confront scary, sad, or difficult issues. Gottschall suggests that various forms of fiction (books, movies, plays, yet not television) give children a "flight simulator" with which they can train for later social encounters. Indeed, several studies have indicated that children who read more fiction (or are read to) are better social operators, i.e. they are better able to read other people’s emotional and mental states.
The "Books that Heal Kids" blog is a great source for finding books on topics you might want to explore with your child. The blog's author, Roxanne, is a school counselor, and has found hundred of amazing books. She writes reviews of each book, and you can search by topics such as "anger," "bravery," "friendship," "moving," and "siblings."
You can also check out the growing list of suggested SEL titles on our "Emotional Literacy Libraries" web page.
co-Chair, SEL Committee
Everybody Needs A Chill Out Space
It is a universal truth that we all get upset at times. And having a place to retreat, regroup, and feel calm is an important part of learning self-awareness, self-regulation and self-care.
At QAE, teachers make sure to have a designated quiet, safe place in the classroom. We call these physical spots "Positive Time Out Spaces" or PTOS. Each classroom has its own name for them. In Ms. Colondo's room, the PTOS is called "Cloud City" and in Ms. Leckie's room, it is called "Hawaii".
PTOS are not for punishment. Kids go to a PTOS when they need to calm down (down-regulation), or if they need to get centered and focused (re-regulated). Any kid can lose their cool during the day—school is intense and kids feel the stress. Upsets can come from conflicts with friends, difficulty with learning new material, or can be stress carried in from home.
QAE teachers want kids to learn that upsets are part of everyday life for everybody, even grown-ups. The teachers intentionally give them an arena in which to practice getting calm and centered, which have several "tools" that help kids get calm. With lots of practice, kids become fluent, and even masterful, at self-regulation.
Grown-ups have PTOS too. We don't usually think of them in such a formal way, but they are our go-to places to get focused, calm (er), or recharge our batteries. Sometimes, they are physical places, like a quiet spot in your home or a backyard hammock. Other times, grown-ups have rituals or activities that we use to feel grounded, such as that morning cup of coffee or going for a run. We can even have imaginary PTOSs, like the memory of a beach that you went to as a kid.
Likewise, grown-ups use tools & strategies to get calm or to get focused. It can be as small as having a favorite pen that helps you feel in the mood to write that hard to start report. Or as automatic as listening to quiet music in the car during a long commute. Or as intentional as a daily meditation practice.
The essential difference between kid PTOSs and grown-up ones is that grown-ups have learned through experience what things tend to trigger upset, how to recognize that we need to re-center, and what spaces, tools, and strategies help us best. Kids are still learning, and curricula like Zones of Regulation and Kelso's Choice will help them learn. And having PTOSs gives them a safe place to try out tools & strategies to find out what works for them.
The SEL committee is working this year on enriching every classroom's PTOS with sensory items, fidgets, movement, and weighted items. We encourage you to talk with your child about his/her class' PTOS. Ask them to tell you if anything works really well.
We also encourage you to have a PTOS at home. It can be much less formal, just a bin or old backpack where you keep some favorite comfort items. We have put an ideas list on the SEL Resources page. We've also put some of the "strategy sheets," like the one below.
Remember, getting upset or overwhelmed is often a part of hard work. And kids need years of practice to master self-regulation. Supporting this process with PTOSs at school and at home will help them to be more resilient and pro-social.