When I was a kid my parents took my sister and me on a lot of excursions. There were daily and weekend activities, road trips, vacations and more. I recall the day my parents took us to see a “man-eating fish”. My sister refused to get out of the car. Who needed to see a man dining on some smelly fish?
When my kids were little, we read Amelia Bedelia books. Amelia (a maid) was given directions by the woman of the house. “Draw the curtains” or “dress the chicken” were ones I particularly remember. Amelia obliged and sketched the curtains and found a pretty little outfit to clothe the poultry. I smiled as I explained to my girls that “drawing the curtains” meant to open or close them and “dressing a chicken” meant to season and prepare it for cooking. Words may have different meanings and understanding is important.
Sesame Street presents different messages and meaning simultaneously for children and parents. That’s why it was so easy to watch together and so hard to stop watching when my girls outgrew the show.
In 2021, the words mother and father have taken on new meaning. There’s the traditional family, single moms, single dads, two moms or two dads, “foster” parents, “adoptive” parents, those who prefer not to be associated with a gender, and many other male and female family members and role models that perform the role of mom or dad and never seem to earn the title.
As parents, it is our job to help our children understand the world, including language. Most of you reading this blog, start when they are young, explaining they are being raised by another adult rather than the woman who gave birth to them. As they grow, we may need to explain more complicated arrangements, including donors, surrogates and missing second parents. The important thing is to start the conversation early, keep it going, and confirm that your child understands what you are telling them. Encourage them to ask questions. Use photos, drawings, or other creative play activities to assist you. Have them repeat the story using their own words.
Whether joining your family as an infant, a toddler or an older child, this challenge and responsibility to help your child understand how they came to live with you is important for both of you. It should be an ongoing conversation, which can be raised when television, movies or books include a theme of adoption, blended families or loss of a parent. Watch for school activities or assignments around family or genetics. Encourage your child to ask questions and share their feelings, especially around events like Mothers or Fathers Day or birthdays. Their curiosity does not diminish their relationship with you. Curiosity is natural.
If you need guidance in how to keep the conversation going, how to answer a question or any other “next steps”, please feel free to reach out to me or find a local adoption group for help. You are not alone.
Kathy Ann Brodsky, LCSW is a New York and New Jersey licensed social worker, adoptive mom and advocate for ethical adoption practice. Through her private practice and agency affiliations, she has prepared thousands of adoption homestudies, counseled expectant, birth, pre/post adoptive parents and adopted persons, as well as trained professionals to work with adoptive families. She was Director of the Ametz Adoption Program of JCCA and a member of the Advisory Board for POV’s Adoption Series and the Adoption Advisory Board of Path2Parenthood, She is currently on the Adoption Professional Advisory Council of HelpUSAdopt , a member of the Advisory Board of the Family Equality Council and active in the Adoptive Parents Committee in New York. Her blogs and written contributions can be seen throughout the Internet, including her BLOG and as Head Writer for ADOPTION.NET She was named an “Angel in Adoption” by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption in 2001. You can reach her directly.