As a parent, finding the right balance between encouraging your child to do well and letting them figure things out for themselves can be extremely difficult. It's also something that UK adults are consistently failing to do, as a 2014 survey found 61% of parents met the 'pushy' criteria, with nearly 40% admitting to enlisting a family or friend into helping cajole kids down a certain path. Now, a new survey suggests that such behaviour is actually having a negative effect on our children.
The research, published online by the Journal of Personality, showed that the pressures of schoolwork and fears of not meeting parental expectations made youngsters self-critical. Psychologists said that those with intrusive parents also displayed more anxiety and depression symptoms.
The study, which examined 263 7-year-old primary school pupils in Singapore over a five-year period, found that parents who had high expectations of their children's academic performance demonstrated this by urging them to have good grades. Alternatively, they may overreact when the child makes a mistake or encourage them to go down certain career paths. Professor Ryan Hong, of the National University of Singapore, said:
"When parents are intrusive it may signal to the children that what they do is never good enough. The child may become afraid of making the slightest mistake and blame him or herself for not being 'perfect'. Over time such behaviour – known as maladaptive perfectionism or the 'bad' form of perfectionism – may be detrimental to the child as it increases the risk of depression, anxiety and even suicide."
This coincides with comments from a UK headmistress who says that smartphone apps are stripping children of their independence. Jane Lunnon, from Wimbledon High School, has claimed that social media allows parents to 'spy' on their children as they are now able to constantly be in touch via apps such as Snapchat, Skype and FaceTime even during school trips.
She said that parents should stop their "vicarious oversight of their children's lives" and instead learn to "let go". Ms Lunnon observed that such constant contact has led to children finding it much harder to break free, which is undermining their development. She warned:
"If you block the light of independence from your child, they will not flourish. They will either rebel or become too compliant. Let them go. It doesn't mean you love the, less. We will all flourish better."
How to motivate your kids without being pushy
Children often need a bit of encouragement when it comes to schoolwork and hobbies, but it's important that you don't cross the line between motivation and forcefulness. These three tips will help you find the balance.
1. Set realistic goals
No matter how much confidence you have in your child, setting them up for failure is never going to end well. Bring the bar down a notch or two to give them some wriggle room. If maths isn't their best subject, don't go in all guns blazing and demanding they get an A in their end of year exam. Instead, set smaller (but more achievable) goals that will allow both of you to see how they progress over time. An example might be learning times tables off by heart or aiming for 80% on weekly tests.
2. Celebrate their accomplishments
It might not be something you're particularly bothered about, but if they're pleased with themselves then you should be, too. Whether it's making it onto the school football team or finally mastering a difficult piece of music, be sure to acknowledge the hard work they put in. This will encourage them to do it more often!
3. Don't let them quit without a fight
Maybe things didn't go to plan the first time they got up on stage, or perhaps they've decided to stop trying for a grade because of one bad test. This is your time to gently remind them that, although things might not have worked out this time, it wouldn't be worth all the time and effort they have put in if they are just going to give up at the first hurdle. That being said, if your child consistently wants to stop something after they have given it a good go, then doesn't force them to carry on.