Manipulation tactics are the specific ways that an emotional abuser attacks their victims. These tactics are used to control a person by eroding their self-confidence and cultivating a deep dependence on the abuser that makes leaving the relationship difficult. Common tactics include gaslighting and seeking control, but an abuser can use many other tactics to control their victims.
What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is a form of emotional abuse that aims to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage.1 Manipulation targets and controls how someone feels, thinks, and behaves in order for the manipulator to get what they want.
While manipulative behavior can come up in everyday situations, exhibiting a pattern of manipulation tactics is a sign of abuse. It may indicate that the abuser has a severe mental health disorder, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder.
Signs You’re Being Manipulated
Many manipulators are very skilled at making you believe they’re doing nothing wrong. If you suspect you’re being manipulated, think about how that person makes you feel after an interaction.
“The first sign to look out for is if you feel confused. You will rarely–if ever–be confused by someone who has nothing but pure, good, loving intentions with you. The second is if you feel hesitant or fearful to either address your confusion or speak your feelings openly. If you can’t ask a question or express your needs without it becoming an argument, that’s a red flag. When someone is defensive (turns the tables, shifts blame, over-explains), it can be a sign that they are feeling ‘caught.'” – Alexandra Rickeman, LCMFT
17 Manipulation Tactics In Relationships
Manipulation tactics, also referred to as emotional or psychological manipulation tactics, give the manipulator a sense of power and control. They also ensure that the manipulator gets their own needs met. A relationship that has a consistent pattern of manipulation tactics indicates at least a toxic relationship, but it could be a sign of a psychologically/emotionally abusive relationship as well.
Here are 17 common emotional manipulation tactics:
Gaslighting is all about making you question yourself, including your memory, your trust in yourself, your sanity, what you’re feeling, and even your own identity. This often shows up as the abuser calling you “crazy” or manipulating situations to instill doubt in yourself. A manipulator does this so you eventually automatically trust and do what they say without question, giving them ultimate control.2
Triangulation is when two people disagree, and a third person gets pulled in to sway which side “wins.”3 A manipulator strategically uses triangulation to ensure that their side wins the argument, which can include choosing a third person they know will agree with them, or frontloading the information to be more favorable toward their side.
This encourages the victim to question the manipulator less frequently, and to eventually stop questioning the manipulator altogether. It can also be used to increase the victim’s feelings of isolation, which increases their dependence on the manipulator.
Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where a person puts their own feelings, characteristics, or desires onto another person.4 This could look like the manipulator saying, “You’re so controlling” after the victim presents alternative activities or advocates to do something for themselves. The manipulator takes what they feel and want and projects it onto the other person to avoid how that makes them feel or look.
4. Controlling Your Life
The goal of all manipulation is to increase control, but outside of controlling how you feel and behave, a manipulator can actually shape what your life and daily activities look like. This can include controlling access to your money (financial abuse), preventing you from furthering your education, or even restricting what friends you can and cannot spend time with.
A manipulator’s goal in controlling your daily activities is to make sure you feel like you cannot function or make decisions without them.
A manipulator will often label the victim’s personality traits or behaviors with negative verbiage. The purpose of this is to make the victim believe they are less than, and to subtly convince them that they aren’t worthy of better treatment. This often starts in small, less offensive ways, and builds in intensity and frequency as the victim becomes more and more accustomed to the name-calling.
Generalizations are when the traits of one person are applied to an entire group of people in the same demographic. An example that a manipulative person might use could be, “All women are more focused on themselves than on their partners.” This encourages the victim to act or present themselves in a way that the manipulator sees as agreeable or easiest to control.
7. Moving the Goalposts
This is when a person essentially changes the rules of a situation midway through in order to prevent the other person from succeeding. This could look like giving additional stipulations needed for success, or highlighting disqualifying elements to your success. A manipulator uses this tactic to keep the other person in a constant state of chasing their approval.
8. Love Bombing
Love bombing is when someone bombards a person with affection, intense emotions, and an excess of their time and energy.5 This can include gift giving, making elaborate declarations of admiration, and spending all of one’s time and energy on pleasing the victim. A manipulator uses love bombing to quickly build intimacy and trust.
This also gives the victim an ideal interaction to pursue. In this way, a manipulator preys on a person’s natural desire to feel wanted and appreciated and turns it into a tool to increase the victim’s devotion to them.
9. Changing the Subject
Topic changes are a normal part of conversations, but a manipulator uses this passive-aggressive tactic to punish a person or make them feel devalued. When the victim makes a valid point in a conversation or receives a compliment from another person, a manipulator will change the subject to prevent them from gaining any confidence.
An emotional manipulator does this to make sure the victim feels like they cannot get praise from any source other than the manipulator, and to have the victim question their own abilities and intelligence.
10. Playing on Insecurities
Unfortunately, emotional manipulators are highly skilled at noticing a person’s insecurities and intensifying them.6 At the core of this, a manipulator targets a person’s sense of shame, which is an internalized feeling of inadequacy. Since shame is a painful emotion that most people automatically try to avoid, triggering this encourages them to comply with the manipulator to avoid feeling it in the future.
Rickeman states, “The most common tactic is for someone to learn your unique triggers or sensitivities and use those against you. Some people are naturally very good at studying you and learning exactly what buttons to press to manipulate you. For example, if you had a childhood where you didn’t feel important because you had a selfish or self-absorbed parent, accusing you of being selfish would be an excellent manipulation tactic. This is because it will press on a deep childhood wound and so you will question yourself and be motivated to do what it takes not to appear selfish.”
11. The Silent Treatment
While it’s normal for a person to emotionally and verbally shut down if they’re experiencing emotional overwhelm (sometimes called “emotional flooding”), it can also be used intentionally as a manipulation tactic. A manipulator will shut down communication and connection as a form of punishment. This can include withholding affection, any form of communication, and intimacy.7
Passive-aggressive communication is when someone says or indicates something without outright saying what they mean. This can take many forms, including sarcasm, pouting, or backhanded compliments. This keeps the victim in a constant pattern of monitoring, guessing, and trying to anticipate/adjust to the manipulator’s moods and reactions.
Ultimately, this keeps the focus – and the power – on the manipulator, so that the victim doesn’t have time and attention to evaluate their own feelings in the relationship.
13. Being Dismissive or Diminishing
When their victim makes a valid contribution in group discussions or has a success, a manipulator can react with a dismissing or diminishing comment in order to maintain control. This can look like giving reasons for why the success was not earned, or why their victim’s valid comment is unworthy of others’ attention and consideration.
14. Treating You Like a Child
A manipulator “infantilizes” their victim by purposely treating them like they’re younger or less capable, or by outright treating them like a child. This is a form of gaslighting that is specifically geared toward reducing the victim’s trust in themselves to handle responsibility.
This can come in the form of talking down to a person like they’re less intelligent, stepping in and taking over in the middle of a task the person is capable of doing on their own, or physically treating them like they’re incapable of certain tasks.
15. Blaming the Victim for the Abuse
When a victim of emotional abuse speaks up, it’s common for the manipulator to shut it down by convincing them that they’ve done something to earn the emotional manipulation. This often comes down to “You should have known better because of XYZ reasons.” This leaves the victim constantly second guessing their actions to try and avoid a negative interaction with the manipulator.
16. Using Guilt Trips
A manipulator uses guilt trips in order to change how the victim feels. This could be something along the lines of, “If you decide to go out with your friends tonight, I’m going to feel lonely and sad.” The manipulator’s long-term goal is to convince you not to do that thing again in the future without discussing it with them first.
17. Using Threats or Coercion
Any time someone uses threats to force or convince you to do something, it’s considered emotional manipulation.8 This could include threats to leave you or take away something important if you don’t comply with what they want you to do. This could even include a threat to hurt themselves.
While they may not actually hurt themselves, it’s important to always take threats of self-harm seriously. Holding your boundaries for physical and emotional safety is critically important, and so is encouraging the other person to seek professional help if they threaten self-harm.
While manipulation is most often talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it’s important to remember that any relationship can become emotionally manipulative or abusive. This includes toxic or abusive parents (i.e., a toxic mother or narcissistic parent, overbearing or narcissistic in-laws, bosses, roommates, neighbors, friends, or partners). While it’s unlikely that you will experience emotional manipulation in all of these places, it helps to know the signs and understand how to respond.
Protecting Yourself From Manipulation
Rickeman encourages, “You can protect yourself by having trust in yourself and your observations along with checking in with your intuition or gut feelings. To have this sort of trust in yourself, you have to be self-aware. This involves understanding your childhood wounds, your triggers, your emotional needs and your unique personality. In being grounded and having insight into your own sensitivities, you won’t get unbalanced by an emotional reaction and you won’t question your reality. You will be able to know your truth and react with a cool and calm head and heart.”
When to Get Help For Emotional Manipulation
If you’ve experienced many of these tactics (e.g., gaslighting, triangulation, the silent treatment, and passive-aggressive behavior) within specific relationships, it’s possible that you’ve experienced emotional/psychological abuse.
It may be time to seek professional help if you feel like you struggle to trust yourself or find it difficult to think about yourself in a positive manner. If you’re ready to find a therapist, begin your search using an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts Manipulation Tactics
Realizing you’ve experienced psychological manipulation tactics can be both shocking and validating. Understanding different tactics can help you make sense of your experiences and prevent or avoid them in the future. Remember that you’re not alone; you are worthy of love and respect, both from yourself and those around you.