One of the most profound and gratifying results of engaging with our children with respect is that their trust in us increases, often immediately. In that respect (pun intended), kids are no different from the rest of us. They trust people who seem to “get” and value them. And, like all of us, children are more inclined to cooperate with a person they trust. This is particularly true in a stressful situation when thought and reason are overwhelmed by emotion.
A parent and police officer named Sally shared an experience that illustrates how respect builds trust in a time of crisis. The respectful approach Sally practices was researched, developed, advocated, and codified by my mentor, infant specialist Magda Gerber and is commonly referred to as RIE.
“I wanted to pass along a RIE story from a different perspective than parenting. I follow the RIE approach with both of my children, ages 2 and 5. Acknowledging their feelings, especially fear, has been a game-changer in our house.
I also work in law enforcement where worst case situations are the norm. It’s not unusual to have to remove young children from the home they are in due to dangerous and deplorable circumstances. This is not a responsibility I take lightly, and it is often incredibly difficult to do what needs to be done, knowing the additional trauma this type of removal brings on young children. Children are comfortable being in situations that are familiar, even if those situations are abusive or neglectful. When they are removed from what they know, even if it is best for them, it’s traumatic. I can honestly say I hate having to take children away even though I know good will come out of it. It’s so difficult.
Recently, I removed two siblings. It’s a long story how they ended up in the situation they were in, however, they were basically abandoned by parents with a neighbor who had been taking care of the children for a significant amount of time before deciding she should probably alert authorities. While gathering belongings for these two children (ages 5 and 4), the 5-year-old started to cry. Co-workers I was with were telling him, “It will be okay, don’t cry,” and things of that nature. He froze up and was unwilling to continue gathering his things or follow simple instructions. This went on for around half an hour as belongings were gathered and paperwork was filled out. The child didn’t want to look or listen to anyone. He just sat on the ground and cried. As a mother of a 5-year-old, I thought about how I would help my son if he was scared and sad. I sat nearby and offered, “I see that you’re sad and scared about what’s happening right now. It’s okay to cry. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to sit with you while you cry.” As I sat, he began to scoot closer to me.
Within a couple of minutes, he was propped up on my side and telling me he was scared and didn’t want to leave. I acknowledged his feelings and then told him exactly, step by step, how things would go for the next couple of hours. I explained we would need to get some clothes and shoes and his blanket, then I would put him in my car and buckle him in to a booster seat, and we would drive to my office to meet some friends that I work with. I told him he would be able to play with some toys for a while so that my friends and I could figure out the best plan for him and his sister. He took it all in. He then asked if he would be able to come back to the house he was in. I decided he needed someone to be honest with him. I told him he would not be coming back today, and I wasn’t sure if he would be able to come back. He asked a couple other questions, then stood up, put on his shoes, grabbed his puppy and blanket and went to the door. We walked out to my car and I buckled him in. When we got to the office, I took him to the play room. I sat nearby as he settled in. He mentioned he was sad, and I acknowledged his feelings in this difficult situation.
I mention this story because RIE is helpful in so many situations outside of just parenting. Social workers, law enforcement and emergency medical professionals can all benefit from RIE. Thank you!”
Respecting children means that we:
Talk to them honestly about the situation and prepare them for what will happen.
Recognize and validate their point of view.
Understand and acknowledge their feelings, encouraging emotions to be expressed completely.
Slow down to their pace, providing them the time they need to process the situation and take in our instructions.
Treat even the youngest infant as a mindful, capable, whole and important person.
To learn more about RIE parenting, check out these resources:
Your Self–Confident Baby by Magda Gerber and Allison Johnson
Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber
Pikler Bulletin #14 by Dr. Emmi Pikler
My books: Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame (both available on Audio)