Chapter 13: “I” statements
How many times have you initiated a simple conversation, only to have it somehow turn into an argument? This often happens when we feel like our partner has crossed our boundaries, and we feel attacked or accused. “I” statements — statements about oneself and one’s feelings — help avoid this problem.
Using “you” statements:
Gretchen: “You hurt me when you left without telling me where you were going.”
Zack: “Well, I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t made me angry.”
Using “I” statements:
Gretchen: “I felt hurt when you left without telling me where you were going.”
Zack: “I’m sorry you felt hurt; that wasn’t my intent. I was feeling angry and upset.”
When we use “you” statements, our partners often feel threatened and react with defensiveness. “You” statements feel like attacks. If instead we use “I” statements and talk about our feelings and reactions to a situation, we are much less likely to provoke a defensive reaction. It’s hard to argue against someone else’s feelings!
…and here’s the rest: