Why is our grade-schooler so defiant, and how can we get him to listen?
As exasperating as his behavior is, your child's defiance is really about his asserting himself. By grade school, this assertion often shows up as your youngster lashing out at you and your "stupid" rules.
It's tough not to let such defiance spark a power struggle, but doing so will only make matters worse. Be firm and consistent, not harsh. Calmly explain the rules you expect your grade-schooler to follow, and be specific about what'll happen if he breaks them — "If you play with the soccer ball in the house, I'll take it away from you for the rest of the day." Also enlist your child's suggestions; he'll be more apt to cooperate if he helps determine the consequences for particular actions. Grade-schoolers are mature enough to understand why a privilege is being withdrawn (even if the loss isn't immediate), so don't be shy about using this tactic — "Because you watched TV when I told you not to, you can't watch it for two days."
Though it's easier said than done, keep in mind that rewarding good behavior is more effective in the long run than punishing misbehavior. Children this age do well with contracts, so use "If, then" statements liberally — "If you're in bed by 8:30 every night this week, then you can stay up until 10 on Saturday."
Grade-schoolers are also pretty good at talking about what ails them, so ask your child why he's feeling at odds with you. Maybe he'll realize that he's really angry at the class bully, or that he's so tired of being a "good boy" in school that he lets it all out once he gets home. Or maybe you'll see that you're expecting too much of him after a hard day, or that he's stalling on his homework because he's having trouble with math.
Knowing what's at the root of your grade-schooler's defiance doesn't mean you should overlook misbehavior, of course. But it will help you come up with solutions, such as experimenting with ways to tell the bully to back off, setting aside time for your child to vent and unwind after school, or buying a fun computer program to help him nail those math facts. Once he knows you're on his side, defiance shouldn't rear its ugly head quite so often.
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