of service is an integral part of the journey toward finding fulfillment.
Think of a time when you participated in making someone’s life better,
perhaps when you:
something with a friend or student that sparked her interest.
your child through his tears to his smiles.
the support that helped someone through a tough time.
in providing a product or service that helped better people’s
most people focus on getting love, fulfillment occurs from giving
love. The loving behavior that naturally flows from an open heart
makes any activity an opportunity to be of service whether at home
or at work. Many activities begin with loving behavior as an integral
part, but being of service often becomes lost as other priorities
supercede the behavior that would make the activity fulfilling.
When hearts close:
a spouse and/or children to do what we want becomes more important
than meeting their needs.
a point becomes more important that really hearing another.
Making a profit becomes more important than caring about the
lives of clients or employees.
power becomes more important than empowering others.
information becomes more important than teaching students to
takes precedence over the self-esteem of athletes.
About Being of Service
openness to learning about being of service begins a most illuminating
journey on which you will confront many routine practices that do
not serve us in finding fulfillment. Some of these notions will
be used to exemplify the three basic questions on your journey:
1) What does it mean to be of service to yourself?: 2)
What does it mean to be of service to others?; and 3) What
does it mean to be of service to others and not lose yourself in
What does it mean to be of service to yourself?
attempts to make other people change their behavior, communicates
that you have judged their behavior as not what it “should” be.
For example, in test
question 4, the closed heart response told your spouse that
lying is wrong and unacceptable. Trying to get other people to
change, with tactics such as blaming or trying to make a point,
invariably results in others feeling uncared about and alienated,
and does not increase their self-esteem or open up a learning
dialogue. It does not serve them and therefore, does not serve
addition, attempts to control people or the future come from,
and reinforce, beliefs that your well-being is dependent on another
person being a certain way. Only when you know that no matter
what another person chooses to do, even lying or rejecting you,
will keep you from being fulfilled and joyful, can you keep your
your heart and approaching others with a desire to learn, serves
you well because it provides each of you the opportunity to learn
more about the “heart” of the matter. This is the learning that
contributes to peace of mind and opens the door for meeting one
of our deepest desires intimate connections.
What does it mean to be of service to others?
question 2, upon discovering that your teenage child has been
smoking marijuana, giving him advice, although well-meaning, was
an attempt to control the future. It also encouraged his dependency
on outside sources to tell him how to behave and feel. Consistently
giving advice erodes his faith in himself to make the right decisions,
abets in closing off his heart, and is therefore, not of service.
It communicates your lack of faith in his ability to take care
of himself, does not help build his self-confidence, and will
not leave you feeling fulfilled.
an open heart, feeling your fear and sadness allows him to experience
your caring. When your heart is closed he will be so busy protecting
himself from being controlled that he will not feel your concern
or hear what you say. With your heart open you will probably
find him much more willing to talk with you and the possibility
greatly improves for having a dialogue in which he can be honest
about himself and discover more in that process. You both are
What does it mean to be of service to others and not lose yourself
in the process?
question 3, your employee has not followed through with her
commitments and a closed heart resulted in ignoring the behavior
and then getting angry. Both these behaviors reflect a protection
from confronting an upsetting situation with an open heart and
ending up with one’s wishes and feelings being either ignored
or made wrong. When upsets occur, seeing only the two possibilities
of being abused or compromised, most people respond by either
trying to tolerate a situation in which they are being taken advantage
(permissive), or disciplining with hardness (authoritarian).
of service means expressing your unhappiness without making another
person wrong or trying to make them change. Stating your position
without being attached to the outcome is true personal power.
It’s setting your boundaries without closing your heart, such
as Martin Luther King or Gandhi saying “No!” to an injustice without
engaging in the abusive behavior of their oppressors.
compromising yourself gives another person some important feedback,
and allows you to stand proud in your loving behavior. This behavior
serves both you and others. You can give others the opportunity
to learn some important things about themselves. Whether they
take it, is not your responsibility. You have offered, which
is all you can do.
For most people, the word "conflict" conjures up
many negative thoughts and feelings relating to war or battles,
being wounded or losing.