Recently my two-year-old said, “You’re fat, grandma” to my mother. My mum is beyond devasted about this and wants me to talk to her about it and is not letting it go. It is really upsetting as I think the more we mention it, the more she will say it. Kids say things all the time and if I had heard her say it, I would have said something then but to do it after the event to a toddler seems a bit pointless. What would you advise?
Dr Justin says:
Oh no! I read your question and the old Bill Cosby line popped into my head: “Kids say the darndest things.”
Unfortunately most parents will have their children do this to someone at least once. I embarrassed my parents terribly on a few occasions. They never let me forget it either. And therein lies the big issue to be aware of. You’ve already pointed it out and I think you’re on the right track. Little kids do say things all the time that we wish they hadn’t. They haven’t learned to regulate their remarks or to be quite as diplomatic as we might hope they could be. Talking about the specific incident this late in the piece will be ineffective. Your daughter won’t even remember the exchange, and if she does, her ability to really understand it will be limited. Instead, she’ll only remember that she says things she shouldn’t and that she upsets people. I’d expect that an emphasis on the issue now will potentially undermine your daughter’s trust in her grandmother, and make her feel concerned about saying things to her more generally.
You are also probably right about the idea that the more you mention it, the more she will say it.
How to tackle unkind words
Even taking those issues into account, there is still more to consider about how to move forward. The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” was never more false. I generally find that a more accurate version of the saying might be “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can break my heart.” Your mum is understandably hurt. And it has obviously put you and your husband in a tight spot too.
I recommend the following:
- If your mother brings it up again, tell her you are personally sorry. And let her know that you have been teaching your daughter more about manners and speaking kindly.
- Watch what YOU and your husband say about other people, and how you say it. Kids can and do listen, watch, and mimic us. You and your husband may not have said anything in this instance, but if you have a habit of being ‘loose’ or flippant, or snarky or unkind with comments about others (even if it isn’t your relatives), it will easily be picked up by your children. (That’s not to say you are doing that. Kids say things we’d prefer they hadn’t even if we are very careful).
- When your daughter says unkind or unthoughtful things in future, ask her questions about her statements. “How does that person feel when you say those things?” “If someone said that about me, how would it make you feel?” By encouraging her to take the perspective of others, she will learn to speak more gently. Asking these kinds of questions can also promote some nice teaching moments for you and your daughter as well.
Beyond that, a small peace offering for grandma, cooked with special help from your daughter, may go some way to healing the hurt. It won’t be necessary to mention the incident. Instead, give the gift with lots of heartfelt love … and no-added sugar!
You can get parenting advice from Justin Coulson by emailing your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
More articles about manners and behaviour on Kidspot:
More realted reading:
- 7 ways to teach your child manners from Ask Dr Sears
- Reigning in rude toddler behavior from What to Expect
- Raising a polite child: A Quiz from parenting magazine
What rude things have your kids said in public or to other people? Share your stories!