The recent research revealing that 10% of the population have lumps of metal shrapnel, curtain and key rings inserted through body parts other than their ears, has failed to draw on the historical origins of this crude fashion form.
According to research from the Historical Piercing Society, a fictitious organisation represented by an equally fictitious committee, the first famous and major body piercing was carried out by the Romans immediately prior to the first day of the modern calendar, i.e. 0 A.D.
The involuntary volunteer, a Mr Christ from Bethlehem, received body piercings through the palms and just above the ankles. He was then popped up on a cross to allow the wounds to heal, but unfortunately, the result was rather terminal, although a cleric at the time, Rabbi Osama O'Shaughnessy, from Hebron-not-by-the-Sea claimed that "he has risen", which locals assumed to mean he had woken up.
Body piercing researcher Marky De Sade continues:
"For as long as there have been spears, there has been body piercing, although some of it could certainly be taken as perhaps more terminal than decorative in its application.
"For example, back in 1066, King Harold was offered a piercing in the eye by one of Count Alan's Norman archers. The piercing was spectacularly successful, but it sadly killed Harold. And not by an infection resulting from a Hepatitis B-infected arrow either.
"One of the world's largest body piercing instruments was of course the Iron Maiden, again, producing often terminal body piercings, but possible less painful than listening to the eponymous rock band or Mrs Thatcher telling husband Dennis off for not putting his crockery in the dishwasher.
"To this day, body piercings, other than ears for women or noses for Asian ladies, will remain very much the fashion of the brain dead."