Complete the following exercise
What does the word relationship mean to you?
Now ask five different people what the word relationship means to
them, and take note of the answers
Is every body answer different?
Have you ever watched a programmed on TV then gone into work the
next day and had a completely different perception of the programmed
to that of your work colleagues?
If you had two different sets of fans watching a football match and the
referee gave a close decision for a penalty to one team, would both
sets of fans reactions be the same?
Why do people respond differently to different situations?
Have you ever heard the expression “that person lives in their own
Well we all live in our own world which is unique to us and what forms
that unique experience and influences our behaviors thoughts feelings.
The key factors are our filters how we process information and
interpret the information.
(We will discuss each category later in the chapter first we will look at
how these components influence our behavior)
Values and beliefs
How do the above components influence our behavior?
The explanation is as follows
We have established we all make sense of the world in our own way.
Our interpretations to events that are going on outside us are
perceived different from person to person, as a result the behaviours
that people manifest as a result.
First think about what is going through your mind at this present
moment in time, this very second. Think about all the thoughts and
feelings that are going through your mind this second. What are we
aware of, the objects around us, our past, our future, our life, and the
many thoughts which pass through our mind?
The things we stop and think about passing through our mind, what is
for tea, have I put the bins out, I should make that phone call later,
what’s on TV tonight, I might go for a drive, and the list goes on. What
are some of the things we notice and don’t notice; different thoughts
come into our mind at different times depending on what we focus on.
And at a conscious level we are limited to have many things we can
focus on, let me explain.
Our Conscious Awareness
It is estimated that your brain receives about four billion nerve
impulses every second. Are you consciously aware of all of this
information? No! For example, are you aware of how your feet feel on
the floor? Unless you have sore feet I suspect that you were not aware
of how your feet felt until I mentioned it. Why? Because it was not
important at the time and it was filtered out. Of the 4 billion bits of
information, you are only consciously aware of about 2,000 bits, or
about 0.00005 percent of all the potential information. To take in and
process more of this information would either drive you crazy or be
such a distraction that you could not function.
Do you consciously remember every step you perform driving in to
work in the morning, the traffic lights you stop at the gear changes.
The people, shops you drive past.
So of all the billions of nerve impulses our mind receives every second
how do we interpret the information the way we do?
How and why do we all see things different and what is the impact it
can have on our life? How do we decide to interpret the information?
What are the key components in breaking down this information to a
manageable level in order for us to make sense out of it?
Of the 4 billions nerve impulses that hit our mind every second, all of
our past memories, and future plans, every event that is happening,
all our interests, we Filter, delete, distort, and generalize this
information to the point we can make sense of it.
Filters – Deletions, Distortions and Generalizations
What happens to all of this other information? It is filtered from your
conscious awareness by deleting (i.e. how your feet feel against the
floor), distorting (i.e. simplifying) or generalizing. What you actually
delete, distort and generalize depends on your Beliefs, Language,
Decisions, Values, Memories, and Meta Programs.
For example your perception of a certain event can be completely
different based on the part of the world you live, your gender, your
religion, your experiences, let us look at a few examples to gain an
understanding of how they work.
Suppose you have a belief that ‘you are unattractive or you’re not a
clever person’. How would you react when someone approaches you
and says “You look very nice in that shirt or dress” “that was an
intelligent point”? Depending on the circumstances, you may dismiss,
discount or deflect their positive feedback. Internally you may think
they have not looked at it in detail and when they do they will find
something wrong and change their opinion. Suppose all day, people
tell you that you you’re attractive or you’re clever – do you really hear
them? Not likely! And then one person points out that your nose
looked a bit big on those holiday pictures, or the point you made at
work last week was bit odd. Does this resonate for you? You bet it
does! It verifies your belief about yourself. From a ‘filter’ perspective,
you have deleted and distorted the positive feedback and focused on
the negative. What beliefs do you have about yourself, about others,
about the world, that limit who you can be or what you can
Words are a form of code to represent your interpretation of
something. Try this exercise, get a group of people together and have
each independently write down five words that for them means
‘exercise’. I will bet that nobody comes up with the same five words as
you do; and as a group you may not have any words in common. The
word ‘exercise’ is code for what exercise means for you and I suspect
that your friends have a completely different meaning for this word.
A perfect example are relationships , we enter into long and
sometimes heated discussions with our loved ones about ‘our
relationship’, without ever really discussing what ‘relationship’ means
to each other.
You make decisions (i.e. generalize) so that you do not have to relearn
things every day. If you want make a cup of tea, you learned a long
time ago (made the generalization) that you turn on the kettle, place a
tea bag in the cup – you do not have to go through the whole process
of relearning how to make a cup each and every time. Generalizations
are useful and they can also get us into trouble.
How many of us know how to open a door, in an experiment,
researchers put the doorknob on the same side of the door as the
hinge. What do you think happened when they left adults in the room?
They would go up to the door, grasp the doorknob, twist and then try
to push or pull the door open. Of course, it would not open. As a
result, the adults decided that the door was locked and they were
locked in the room! Young children, on the other hand, who had not
yet made the generalization about the doorknob, simply walked up to
the door and pushed on it and exited the room. The adults, because of
their decisions, created a reality of being locked in the room when in
fact they were not. So how many of your decision (generalizations)
about yourself, your partner, your boss the way it is at work, leave
you ‘locked in’, when others are not stopped by it?
One of our challenges is to discover those filters I have put in place
and how they affect what I see, hear, feel; how I react to others and
what I create in my life. Once you become aware of filters that do not
serve you, you can choose consciously to modify or remove them.
Do you remember when you first fell in love, do you remember driving
in to work the other morning, and do you remember when you first
passed your driving licence? How do you remember it? Do you see a
picture in your mind, or are there smells or tastes? Were there sounds
– perhaps in your mind you can hear a radio? To remember an event,
your mind uses pictures, sounds, feelings, tastes, smells and words.
These perceptions of your ‘outside world’ are called internal
representations and are a function of your filters (i.e. beliefs and
values). Your perceptions are what you consider to be ‘real’ or in other
words your reality.
If you and I went out for dinner, our internal representations or
perception of dinner will most likely be similar and different in some
way – depending on what is important to each of us (our filters).
Dinner is not very controversial. But what about our views on a conflict
i.e. war or political situation. Given our different backgrounds, we may
perceive this very differently with significantly different reactions
Have you ever gone to see a movie with a friend, sat next to each
other, saw exactly the same movie and one of you thought it was the
best movie ever and the other thought it was terrible? How could that
happen? It is quite simple. You and your friend filtered the information
differently (different beliefs, values, decisions, etc.). In other words,
you perceived the movie differently and hence behaved differently in
your reaction to it.
By the way, who put your filters in place? You did! — based on what
happened in your family as you grew up, the teachings of your church
(or absence of church), the beliefs and values in the part of the
country where you lived, decisions you made about the world (i.e. a
safe place or a dangerous place), etc. If your filters are not creating
the results that you desire, you are the only person who can change
them. The first step is to become consciously aware of the filters you
have and what kind of reality (results) they are creating for you.
Internal Representations and Behaviours
Would you like to see the effect internal representations have on your
behaviours? Can you think of a really happy event in your life? Close
your eyes and get a picture of it in your mind, bring in any sounds,
feelings, tastes and smells. Fully experience the event in your mind.
Once you have done that, notice if there were any changes in your
physiology. Maybe as a result of these memories (internal
representations), you had a smile on the face, or sat up straighter, or
maybe breathed deeper. I am sure that your physiology changed in
some way. I did not ask you to change your physiology, did I? What
this demonstrates is that the pictures, sounds, etc. (internal
representations) that you make in your mind, influence your
physiology and as a result, your choice of words, the tone of voice you
use and the behaviours you manifest.
Now sit up straight, put a big smile on your face, and breathe deeply.
While you do that, feel sad. I will bet that you could not feel sad
without changing your physiology (i.e. shallow breathing, rounded
shoulders, etc.). This illustrates that your physiology influences your
internal representations (feeling sad or happy). Next time you are
feeling sad or down, what can you do? – Participate in some physical
activity (i.e. brisk walk, exercise).
Based on your previous experiences, you filter information about the
world around you. The resulting internal representations are how you
perceive the world (your reality) and this drives your behaviours, often
reinforcing that your perception of the world is ‘correct’.
For me, one of the benefits of discovering the filters I have put in place
and how they affect what I see, hear, feel; how I react to others and
what I create in my life. Once you become aware of those filters that
do not serve you, you can choose consciously to modify or remove
them to help you take control of your life and creating a life you want,
helping you break negative behaviours, un- productive thought,
The next chapter focuses on how we can over come any negative
habits in a matter of moments, we can change the habits of a life time,
negative thoughts and behaviours within moments, just as I have
done with many thousands of clients over a number of years, you can
overcome your biggest fears, negative, thoughts and behaviours.
Taking control of your life.