Thanks to Emily and welcome to Writefix.
A big thanks to DavidLee and to Ruby2011 as well for their comments. I agree with both of them that the biggest problems are punctuation and long sentences.
Let's put it into some of the readability links at the top of this page, under 'Useful Links.'
Secondly your punctuation is all over the place at the moment. However, I think it's going to be an easy problem to fix!
Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Grammar and Accuracy. (The link is at the top of the page again.) For Band 4, the phrase is "punctuation is often faulty." It doesn't matter if you have good ideas (you do) or great structures (you do) - the examiner can only give you the exact mark for each of the four criteria in the descriptors. It would be disappointing to get 7, 7, 7, 4, for example!
Average Sentence Length
From now on, have no sentence longer than 25 words, as DavidLee suggests. At present, you have three sentences with over 38 words. The chances of error in agreement and in syntax with long sentences are huge, as is the possibility of the examiner having a huge headache and of ideas getting very complicated.
Your average sentence should be between 12 and 15 words, not 20.4 as it is now. Add some short sentences. Break up long ones. Topic sentences (at the start of each body paragraph) can very often be short:
- It's true that our resources are limited.
- We often hear that charity begins at home.
- Our world is getting smaller.
- We live in a shrinking planet.
No, More, Commas
Avoid commas. Do not use them to join sentences that should be separate. As Ruby2011 notes, you have run-on sentences and comma splices everywhere. Learn more about comma splices and run-on sentences here.
Have only one or two ideas in a sentence. It's not just a punctuation problem (the criteria for Grammar and Accuracy) - it's part of Coherence and Cohesion. Coherence and Cohesion in IELTS just means how you link your ideas and sentences. (See band 6: "cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty." As DavidLee suggests, just remove some of the links, break up the monster sentences, and let the ideas flow naturally.
I don't need to go over grammar issues because you don't have many problems in this area. Take 35 minutes, rewrite the essay just remembering to write short sentences (put one space AFTER each comma and full-stop) and add some short sentences. If you feel the urge to use a comma, go for a walk and come back after the urge is gone.
Print out this sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet from the official IELTS website, and practice writing by hand in 35 - 40 minutes. For most people, 300 words is about a page and a half. There are 20 lines on each side.
Thanks for your essay, and thanks again to DavidLee and Ruby2011. Looking forward to some great essays here!