This is a perfect season to open our hearts and pay attention to what is happening all around us. I love to hear stories of random acts of love and compassion. I heard of a kind angel who was paying off the lay-away for toys in several stores around the country. This angel gave a gift of love to both the parents and the children who received these gifts. The need for kindness and compassion are central to mindfulness, and we can all learn to be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves, as well as to other people in our working and personal lives.
Research studies have shown that when you feel compassion, your heart rate slows down, you release a hormone that promotes bonding (called oxytocin), and the part of your brain concerned with care and pleasure is activated. This motivates you to care for and help other people. Showing compassion can also increase your resilience to stress and boost your immune system, accelerating healing.
Research into the science of wellbeing reveals that healthy relationships impact more on happiness than anything else, so why not try out some of the following easy tips that you can use to boost your compassion?
Listen more deeply
Listening deeply to the views of another person is a wonderful act of kindness and compassion. As you do so you will be able to understand better the other person’s point of view.
Deep listening occurs when you listen with more than your ears, and engage your heart and mind – indeed your whole being. As you do so, you let go of all your thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions and just focus on listening.
The person being listened to gains a sense of healing through this process because it enables them to let go of frustrations, anxieties or sadness. It enables true communication to take place, which is highly effective because people really crave being listened to properly.
To listen more deeply, try the following nine tips:
- Stop doing anything else and make it your intention to listen deeply (you could make a private personal affirmation ton reinforce this).
- Look the person in the eye when they speak.
- Put aside any worries or concerns of your own.
- Listen to what the person is saying and how they are saying it.
- Observe posture and tone of voice.
- Notice the automatic thoughts that pop into your head as you listen – try and let them go and come back to listening.
- Feel free to ask questions, but keep them genuine and open rather than trying to change the subject. Let your questions gently deepen the subject.
- Try to let go of judgement as much as possible; judgement is thinking rather than deep listening.
- Let go of trying to solve any problems that crop up, or giving the person ‘the’ answer.
Remember that when you give somebody the time and space to speak without judging, they begin to listen themselves – allowing what is being said to become clearer. Quite often a solution then arises naturally.
Meet challenging people afresh
All our relationships are built on the history between us and the other person. Whenever you meet somebody your brain pulls out your ‘memory file’ on that person and you relate to them based on that information. For well-loved friends this is a positive situation, but what about when you have to deal with somebody who you’ve had difficulties with in the past?
When you deal with difficult people you actually have two ways of ‘meeting’ them. The first is to see them through the lens of your past negative experiences; the other is to see them as they are, without any judgements and background stories – in short, to meet them afresh. Mindfulness is, of course, about meeting all experience afresh.
You can try the following five techniques to meet people afresh:
- Take a series of mindful breaths or carry out a mini meditation before meeting the other person – this can help prevent any feelings of anger or frustration becoming overwhelming.
- Observe the difference between your own negative image of the person, and the real person (even though they may still have negative attributes). Connect with your senses to try and meet the person as they are.
- Buddha is quoted as saying: ‘Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind’. Try to forgive what has happened in your relationship and see if that changes how you feel and relate to the other person.
- Consider what is the worst thing that can happen when you next have to deal with the person. This may put things in perspective, because you may be misjudging how bad the other person is, what they might say or how they might react.
- Be mindful of the thoughts you are having as you meet the person. Are they part of a familiar pattern? Are you able to see them as just thoughts, rather than facts? Where did these ideas come from? You’re not trying to fix or change anything at this point; that should happen by itself if you are curious about your thinking patterns.