Our commitments are both privately entwined with our core values and publicly announced by our relationships and actions. The pledges we make to others and ourselves form a large part of our identity.
Even though we think of commitments as fixed, all but the deepest commitments can change in response to changing circumstances. Commitments vary in length, motivation, and depth of meaning.
A forced commitment is executed by willpower, with an implied battle between the part making the commitment and some other part that must be overcome. The commitment might be a “self-improvement” effort, or be demanded by someone else.
A forced commitment is likely to end when it incurs costs that affect other commitments, or when the resisting part gains ascendancy. Costs can include time, energy, or emotional disruption as well as money.
Some commitments are forced by a desire to avoid uncertainty or to bargain with the future. If we unconsciously expect a commitment to guarantee success, we can be painfully surprised by a negative outcome. There is a myth that commitment to a shaky relationship can fix it, as if doubt caused the shakiness rather than vice versa.
As you think of forced commitments you have made, kindly notice the motivations behind them. What problems were you solving? What parts of yourself were you fighting?
A trial commitment is a time-limited experiment to evaluate the costs and benefits of an action. It can be canceled in the case of unexpected complications.
Several years ago, I made a trial commitment to stop eating wheat for two weeks and evaluate whether it helped my symptoms of exhaustion and brain fog. I gathered some wheat-free foods in advance and gave myself permission to ease into the restriction.
Is there a trial commitment you could make to address a sensitivity or other issue in your life? Think about ways to make it easier and start gradually.
An ongoing commitment is open-ended, habitual, and continues because the benefits outweigh the costs. It can be re-evaluated and discontinued when circumstances change.
I saw an immediate improvement in my symptoms during the trial commitment, so I continue to avoid eating wheat. I could choose to eat a food with wheat if it were worth the consequences, but I prefer to feel energetic and clear-headed.
Careers, relationships, hobbies, and beliefs are all built of ongoing commitments. When commitments are woven into our self-image, change can be wrenching. I would be delighted to find that I can eat wheat again, and at the same time it would be a big change in how I relate to the world. When feeling stuck, one option is to re-evaluate ongoing commitments.
What are some of your ongoing commitments? Have you changed an ongoing commitment in the past? What situation might convince you to change one in the future?
Core commitments, often unspoken, guide our decisions about ongoing commitments. We have core commitments to survival, well-being, and nourishment, and against pain, loss, and abandonment. My core commitment to feeling well underlies my ongoing commitment to avoid eating wheat.
Like faith, core commitments are part of who we are, discovered rather than decided. What core commitments are supported by your current ongoing commitments? What do you need or long for no matter how hard you try to leave it behind? What do you reach toward no matter how many obstacles stand in your way?
Core commitments to connection, openness, and honesty can be used as hooks to control people. If you have been the victim of manipulation or emotional abuse, you might feel stupid, vulnerable, or ashamed when you think about your core commitments. Gently remind yourself that abuse reflects badly on the abuser, not on you. The intrinsic value of your self and your core commitments cannot be damaged by abuse.
Abusers commonly pressure their targets for premature commitments, ensuring that the targets’ sense of integrity holds them in the relationship as the abuse intensifies. Pressure for a quick commitment is a red flag for manipulation. Commitments come from within, and pressure is a boundary violation.
Salespeople sometimes use similar techniques to conflate a prospective customer’s commitment to a goal with a commitment to the product or service being sold. “Prove your commitment to your health by buying this product!” The core commitment to health exists whether or not the customer chooses to make the purchase.
Survivors of abusive relationships often vow, “Never again!” Do you carry any ongoing commitments against past events? Take some time to think or write about what, specifically, you do not want to repeat. Your list might be long, detailed, and full of strong feelings, or it might contain a single encompassing phrase. How does it feel in your body to acknowledge these commitments?
Into the unknown
A commitment against repeating the past can lead to commitments for new actions. An abuse survivor might commit to learning about healthy relationships and boundaries. Does your list imply any commitments for action? The first step is a commitment to sitting with the unknown, since your existing skills and knowledge were not enough to avoid the problem last time.
Forgiveness for past decisions
We all make ongoing commitments, even if only a commitment against being entrapped by commitments. We have all had commitments lead us in unexpected directions. Whether you have judged yourself for keeping a commitment or for leaving one behind, consider forgiving yourself for past decisions. When your identity is grounded in your core commitments, you can weather changes in ongoing commitments more easily.
The needs inventory from the Center for Non-Violent Communication provides a list of possible core commitments. Which ones resonate for you?