List creators of the world unite. Colons are used after a main clause to list off a series of items (For my birthday, I want: two monkeys jousting on the backs of Golden Retrievers, a stripper dressed as a clown, and a carrot cake). Colons can also be used to clarify the main clause (Buddy Guy and The Rolling Stones played a Muddy Waters song: “Champagne and Reefer”.
What it says about you: You’re a woman.
The dash – formally called the Em Dash because it is the width of the letter “M” – is generally not recommended for formal writing. Probably because the dash can be used instead of commas, colons, and semicolons. Dashes are used to give emphasis to the content between them.
What it says about you: You are a rebel who can’t be bothered to learn the different pauses associated with other punctuation.
Ellipses Points . . .
Ellipses points are used in place of omitted text from a quote (I see a red door . . . paint it black). This is the equivalent of saying “Blah, blah, blah” in the middle of a long paragraph. Ellipses can indicate an incomplete thought or dialogue trailing off (My keys were right here . . . ), or can also be used to indicate an alternate meaning to the stated text (I never drove . . . drunk). This implies you probably did a lot of other things drunk.
What it says about you: You lose your train of thought easily.
The most excitable of all the punctuation. Exclamation points are used to indicate excitement (A puppy!), an imperative (Duck!), or strong feelings (You’re pissing me off!). Typesetters referred to the exclamation point as a “Dog’s Cock”, which only proves typesetters have no respect for a dog’s privacy.
What it says about you: You are five years old.
The full stop. The no-nonsense end to a declarative sentence.
What it says about you: You probably also love vanilla ice cream.
The comma that went to college. Semicolons are used to separate two independent clauses without using a conjunction (I’m going to the bar; I need a drink). Semicolons are also used when two main clauses are separated by a conjunctive adverb (I am going to bed; however, I’m not going to sleep).
Kurt Vonnegut and Ernest Hemingway shunned semicolons. Stephen King doesn’t like them either.
What it says about you:
If you are under 30, you use them to make winking happy faces in your text messages.
If you are over 30, you never quite outgrew writing run-on sentences.
Noah Baird is the author of Donations to Clarity.