1. Having more than two tabs, Gchat, and Twitter open and active at one time. Nothing freaks old people out like Internet multitasking. When they see a particularly active and full computer screen, they react as though a flurry of rabid bats has appeared and started biting their faces.
2. What terms like "Twitter handles" mean. Typical conversation between a Young and her mom: Old: "I saw your tweets today. I have two followers!" Young: "Omigod! What's your Twitter handle?" Old: "What's that?"
3. They use "the" unnecessarily to describe things like "Facebook." "Are you on the Facebook?" "If I joined the Twitter, what would I use it for?" "The Google says…"
4. Who "has time" for social media. Every time a Young explains an internet thing like Pinterest to an Old, and they begin to understand said thing, the Old wrinkles her nose and goes, "But who has TIME for that?"
5. Why it's sometimes absolutely necessary to Gchat or text the person sitting next to you. If you're stuck in a boring meeting or presentation or awkward situation where you have to talk about other people in your presence, it's the best way to do so. Waiting 20 minutes for private conversation time is never an adequate option.
6. What Internet acronyms mean. Text by a Young: "Let's talk about it IRL." Old responds: "What? Let's talk about it when you get home."
7. That laptops don't have touch screens. Some Olds have become so dependent on tablet-keyboard setups that you present them with your MacBook Air and they try to use it by touching the screen. Bad Old, bad!
8. Why someone would photoshop mouths where celebrities' eyes are. Old: "What are you laughing at?" Young: "MOUTH EYES HAHAHA." Old: "Let me see. What? Who has time for this, I don't understand."9. BuzzFeed.
10. "How someone can read all that on their phone." The idea of reading a book or New Yorker feature-length piece of text on a screen smaller than an iPad, kindle, or paper book stresses Olds out like their kid refusing to go to the doctor.
11. Whether or not they "need" to be on LinkedIn. No one needs to be on LinkedIn.
12. That they can Google things rather than text you about it. If an Old has a broken scanner it's a safe bet it won't be getting fixed until a Young is staying overnight in their house because their kids cannot explain it in Old speak via text.
13. How to backup or update an iPhone, iPad, or computer. Saying "external harddrive" or "the new iOS" to an Old is like trying to communicate to your friends in Morse code.
14. Why using Google Maps on a smartphone is actually better than trying to get a GPS to suction cup to a dashboard or windshield. Fact: GPS device suction cups are the world's worst technology.
16. The ease of the iTunes store. Olds are always wanting to use something you've never heard of to download music (like "Zune") or, perhaps worse, trying to burn CDs onto their computers. God save the Youngs who are asked to assist with this most primitive of tasks.
17. That email subject lines aren't substitutes for text messages. "Hi just wanted to see how your day was going love you also when are you coming home tonight?"
18. Why Rihanna's Instagram and Twitter activity comprises approximately 8 percent of all celebrity news stories. Without Rihanna it's safe to say the Internet would be at least 2 percent smaller.
19. Why you always need to be one smartphone message away from everyone you know. Being able to technologically interact with everyone — even people you don't know that well or like very much — easily all the time in every situation is as imperative to a modern millennial's life as oxygen and Nasty Gal.
20. How to use iPhone cameras quickly. Show an Old how to use the camera feature on their new iPhone and you can expect to wait there posing for photos as long as they did like a hundred years ago when they took the photo and people had to stand there for almost the rest of their lives.
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