“Do you have any homework?”
“Nope. Did it in school.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep, I’m positive! I have nothing to do.”
If this sort of conversation leaves you with an uneasy feeling, it probably should! It takes years for most kids to gain a realistic understanding of what it means to be a “student” and your hunch that something’s missing is probably valid.
There are many skills to master as a student, and no instruction book on the topic. Many kids pick them up naturally, but many others don’t. This can be especially confusing when you have a gut feeling that your child hasn’t mastered the skills they need but their ability to compensate is so strong that it masks the challenges. This is fine for a while, but as school becomes more complex, problems can begin to mount.
Here I have some insights for you that should give you some clarity. Consider it a mini-instruction book. After 20+ years of working with students, I find myself asking the same key questions over and over in order to help ensure a child is “on the right track.” I’ll share these with you as well as some tips on how to ask in a way best empowers your child.
I cannot tell you how important it is to ask the right questions. It’s easy to get thrown off and ask kids questions that don’t get to the root of the issues. Below are the main areas I dialogue with students about.
Do you have homework?
- Social Studies/History
Do you have long term work?
- Studying for test/quiz
Do you need to refine systems?
- Update planner
- Organize backpack
- Organize papers/folders
- Email or phone calls
- Check grades
Are you practicing self-care?
- Working through stress & overwhelm
- Sleep, nutrition, exercise
- How’s your focus/attention/concentration
- What is distracting you
- How’s your actual study routine and workflow
These questions cover most, if not, all the bases! If there are any other key questions useful in your situation, be sure to add them.
Feel free to download and print this with the link below. Use it to sit with your child and go through the questions together, mindfully. Ask, “Do you have math homework? Science? LA? Should you be doing any reading? Writing? Working on a project? Studying for a test? Did you update your planner today? Check your grades?” Etc..
How to ask about homework without the drama?
This is not an easy task for a parent. It requires practice, patience and persistence. Here are three thoughts:
- Perfectionism – MAKE SURE to not be too perfectionistic with your kids. The point isn’t to make sure every single thing is done perfectly. In fact, you’ll find that approach to be quite counter productive because it causes so much internal pressure for kids. Rather, use the questions as a tool to find the most important areas to work on. You may have to bite your tongue a lot in an effort to get your child to take more and more responsibility for these topics.
- Wait time – Listen longer than you think you should. After asking your child about something, give them time to answer. After they answer, DO NOT JUMP RIGHT IN WITH MORE DISCUSSION. Instead, pause and look at them with curiosity. If they ask why you’re looking at them, just say, “I’m just listening. Keep going” This is NOT done with sarcasm in any way, it’s with a spirit of being interested. Create an uncomfortable silence and just see if they have more to say. THIS is magic. This is when you are holding a space for them to think for a moment, process their thoughts and put their words together. Parents often jump in way too soon (especially when emotional) and unintentionally interfere with the process!
- Followup questions – After asking a question, there are two great followup questions that I use all the time.
- “Tell me more?” This is open ended and often gets me more information so I can better pinpoint how to help them.
- “What do you think?” Often, I turn things back onto them to see what they think. Adults spend too much effort telling kids what to think instead of listening to their answers. The funny thing is that kids often have great answers, and we need to learn how to hold space better for them to express their answers.
- Resistance – Yeah, your child will probably want to avoid diving into this. This is not going to be easy, but keep your cool and persist. Perhaps tell them that you are going to do a complete check once a week at a predetermined time until you feel certain that they are, in fact, on top of it!
- Independence – If your child is more mature and independent, you can print the PDF below and give them a copy to post in their study space. This way they can refer to it regularly until the systems become integrated.
Warning: Remember, not all homework is useful. Always ask yourself how valid it is and if your child should be doing it at all. I know, this opens up a whole new can of worms that I’m not getting into in this article, but, there is very little evidence that homework does any good whatsoever. Just remember that it’s important for kids to have a life, to have family time, free time, friend time. So think critically about at as you go through this. Many of my questions above tie directly into vital life skills anyhow, but always think about how these things affect your child. Best of luck!
Feel free to download the free PDF of this below, print it and post it somewhere that you can refer to it easily.
Download the free Questions Cheatsheet here
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