Q: My 12-year-old daughter recently got a detention for something she says that she didn't do. I believe her, but it is her word against the teacher's and the punishment stands. She is asking me why life is so unfair. What can I tell her?
A: Unfortunately life is unfair at times and this is a tough lesson she is learning, the Help for Families panel says.
"Turn it into a teachable moment," says panelist Bill Vogler. "In life, this is something that is going to happen. Assure her that she has the knowledge that she is right."
One of the hardest things is that children have a heightened sense of fairness, says panelist Rochelle Freedman.
"At a certain age, children can't process gray areas," Freedman says. "That's why being fair is so important to them."
While your daughter might feel wronged in this situation, it is important that she doesn't lose respect for the system, Freedman says.
"It's important to create other role models in school," she says. "It's important that she still has role models and mentors she feels are fair."
While it's natural for a parent to side with your child against the teacher, resist the temptation to put the teacher down and disparage her, Vogler says.
"The teacher is the authority and she needs to know she has to respect authority," Vogler says. "It just confuses kids even more when you send a negative message about those in authority."
This also is an opportunity to reinforce that you believe her and strengthen the lines of communication between you, Freedman says.
"That you believe her will strengthen the trust between you and build on the lifelong ability for her to disclose things to you and that is very important," Freedman says.
Also make sure she has a realistic perspective on the situation, Vogler says.
"There is a tendency, especially at this age, to take one situation and make a judgment about life in general," he says. "One unfair part doesn't mean life is unfair. I'm an optimist and I believe that truth and justice prevail more often than not."
Especially with pre-teens and teens, as soon as one bad thing happens the whole world is terrible, agrees panelist Denise Continenza. She needs to take a realistic look at her life.
However, Continenza adds, if it keeps happening, you may want to look into it and have a discussion with the teacher.
"Be on guard if it becomes a pattern," agrees Vogler.
"Tell your daughter this gives her an opportunity to prove herself," Vogler says. "Tell her she needs to be on her best behavior because she doesn't want to reinforce what her teacher thinks about her."
The hardest part of parenting is dealing with the gray area," Freedman says. "This may be an opportunity to share with her some similar experience you had as a child at the same age."
This also may be an opportunity to share a spiritual perspective based on your beliefs.
Project Child offers 9-week parenting classes at 7 p.m. Wednesday at 531 Main St., Bethlehem. $52. Register: 610-954-9561, project
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Parent Tree, a support group sponsored by Project Child. 610-954-9561
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