and follow the ATM machine’s instructions (sometimes a challenge), money will come out of the slot. Expectations organize our lives, help us forecast likely outcomes and prioritize and budget our time and resources. We all have a basket full. We use them to determine what we expect of the world, of other people and of ourselves.
Our expectations develop over the course of our lives from both our experience and what we are taught. Adults start to fill our basket when we are children by teaching us that there are rules. Perhaps they teach us, “Honesty is the best policy” – that being honest will bring us the greatest rewards in the long run or, “Wait for the light before you walk across the street. The cars are dangerous.”
Some of these rules we simply absorb. Some of these rules we test as we absorb them. Some we challenge. Our teachers tell us that mathematics makes sense and the rules of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division create dependable results. We try the math problems and discover for ourselves that the math rules do create dependable results.
As we grow older, we continue to fill our basket of expectations from our ongoing interactions with the world. I discovered as a growing child that dropping a glass of water resulted in water on the floor. The water spilled. I learned to expect that water will spill from a glass that is dropped.
Interacting with other people teaches us expectations that apply to our relationships. These expectations may be positive or negative. If the adults in our lives are not kind or consistent in their behavior towards us as we grow up, we may come to expect that other people cannot be trusted. If those adults are reasonably nice to us and reliable, we may develop a more positive set of expectations.
Our expectations come in all sizes. We learn that our boss is judgmental and not easily pleased. To keep our jobs we expect that we must give her exactly what she wants from us when she wants it. We learn that if we are cold putting on a sweater will help us be warm.
Some of the most powerful expectations we develop are those about ourselves and what we will or should do, think and feel. I may expect that I will be kind and react to situations calmly or expect that I should be able to answer questions clearly or expect that I will succeed when I have a challenge. Each of us develops our own unique set of expectations that guide our thinking and behavior, often unconsciously.
But when we experience a major change in our lives, the contents of our basket of expectations can be turned upside down. In the midst of that major change we may discover that our expectations, particularly of ourselves, don't work. If I am dealing with a serious illness, injury or life disruption, perhaps I am no longer able to react calmly or even to be kind. If my expectation is that I can master any challenge, what happens when I can’t use my arm or hand?
When I was newly injured I expected my brain to be able to handle complex stimulation, just as it had always done. In fact, for many, many months my healing brain could not do this. Any sustained complex stimulation - a lot of noise, a lot of different things competing for my attention at one time - was painful and exhausting. The more I tried to meet my old expectation, the more I became unable to process any information. Trying to meet my old expectation increased my injury. When I paused and examine what I was doing, I realized my brain would perform better with quiet, not noise.That change in expectations not only made it easier for me to heal, it also helped me discover that I could develop a deeper capacity for attention than I had before the injury.
It is difficult to accept that some of our expectations of ourselves are not useful in our current situation. When our expectations predict outcomes, we feel confident. When circumstances change and we discover our expectations no longer make sense we are confused. We don't want to let them go because they are familiar. But holding onto these old expectations can be seriously harmful and even directly interfere with our ability to heal. We do ourselves a favor if we slow down and ask ourselves. “What do I expect of myself right now? Is this an expectation that fits my current circumstance?" Our expectations can be most useful when we learn and adapt them to work with the territory we are in.
Article Source: psychologytoday.com