Social & Emotional Issues: What Gifted
Say About Their
Deborah L. Ruf, Ph.D.
recently attended a school conference that included the school
psychologist, principal, classroom teacher, district gifted and
talented coordinator, parents of the gifted child, and other interested
minutes into the discussion I wanted to shout, “I already have a tape
recorded copy of this meeting!” Predictable camps of the debate
espoused the same arguments, platitudes and attitudes that usually
emerge in these discussions.
the research is done and the information is available, few people in
the trenches even know what giftedness is, let alone what to do about
Because I believe that giftedness is an inborn trait, I also believe
the qualities of giftedness are present throughout people's lives, even
if they are underachievers or hide their abilities.
follows, therefore, that I believe former gifted children become gifted
adults. Adults have experience and hindsight. I asked gifted adults
what they thought of their childhood experiences at home and in school.
Case Study Feedback from Highly Gifted
I gathered detailed case study information from 41 adults who scored in
the 99th percentile and were between the ages of 40 and 60 in the early
1990s (Ruf, 1998).
following excerpts illustrate some of the feelings and conclusions that
subjects had depending on their exposure to ability grouped classes,
explanations about intelligence, and emotional support from family,
schools and friends.
Knowing I'm Gifted
Although gifted people usually know they are smart they often do not
know the many ways their intelligence affects them emotionally and
socially. Just a few excerpts from subjects reveal how easily gifted
people are both confused and hurt by lack of enlightenment about their
giftedness. A woman who became an attorney wrote,
was aware of being the smartest person in the class in first grade, but
even then I suspected that I was not really bright but that the others
were very slow. [By the 4th grade she was so widely read that] I did
not realize then why I felt left out and thought it was due to some
personality flaw. I often thought that I was really stupid because I
couldn't understand why teachers taught things that I thought were
obvious. I thought the other children were smarter because they saw
complexities that I now know never existed. I had a hard time
understanding other children.
It never occurred to me that I felt different because I was ahead of
them intellectually. For example, in class they would ask questions
about what the teacher was saying. I thought what the teacher was
saying was so obvious that it needed no explanation - yet there were
kids who kept asking for more explanations. Instead of realizing I had
grasped the concepts quickly or knew them already, I thought I was
missing some subtle point that confused others and I was too dense to
even see it!
The above subject is representative of gifted children who were never
ability grouped or told about their giftedness. In fact, the theme of,
“I thought something was wrong with me,” was prevalent among those who
did not receive some form of explanation or confirmation of their
this confirmation can come in the form of direct statements or
selection for ability grouped classes or programs prior to high school.
number of subjects were grouped in high ability classes as early as
elementary school. Through this experience they learned to some degree
what they were capable of and entered challenging educational programs
and careers as adults.
social and emotional result, too, revealed an understanding and
tolerance of people who are less intelligence. It is interesting to
note that for a number of subjects who were in temporary programs that
used ability grouping for only a short time, a few months to a couple
years, they all report that the experience had significant positive
Another subject had many events and experiences in her childhood that
led to confusion and anger.
read well in first grade. I think I read before that, but my mother [a
high school teacher] had the idea that it was detrimental for children
to read before first grade and she vigorously discouraged any attempts
As an adult, she was still angry about her mother's refusal to accept
My mother never
wanted me to feel superior, so she always told me that I was not
terribly smart, just good at taking tests. Perhaps that explains why I
have such a distorted view. The most important turning point in my life
came in my first year of high school when I got hold of my school
records and learned my IQ. That information explained why I felt so
different from others, why I had different interests, and why I had
trouble understanding other people. It was a great relief.
Learning not to Trust Authority
High intelligence often placed the young person in an untenable
position with those in authority. For example, most of the subjects
read well before or early in their school lives. About half were
allowed to read independently; the other half was forced to stay with
reported that being allowed to read independently made sense, while
being denied the opportunity was frustrating, confusing and
anger-provoking. When those in authority, teachers, for example, forced
children to do things that made no sense to them, problems with
A man in a creative arts career described how his own issues with
authority came about:
regard myself as “normal” - this created (creates) a problem in that I
became disillusioned with people around me who constantly fell short of
what I regarded as “their potential” - teachers who could not, or would
not, attempt to answer complex questions - people who seemed to have no
passion, people who took the beauty of life for granted. I have no
desire to feel exceptional.
It is possible that his intolerance could have been changed to
tolerance if adults around him could have helped him understand his
level of ability and how it impacted his understandings and reactions
compared to others.
subject shed more light on the issue:
biggest problems with jobs is when there is rigidity, stupidity and
control on the part of those in charge - and, unfortunately, these are
the very type of people who tend to rise to the top in my field. I
quit, become dangerously close to quitting, or I get fired … because I
Many of the study subjects eventually did learn tolerance as they
matured and as they understood themselves better. Many
misinterpretations of intent and motive occur, however, when teachers,
parents, and children do not take intellectual level and complexity
into account when they interact with each other.
asynchronous development of the gifted child (Silverman, 1993) causes
problems when the adults assume more advanced maturity than young,
highly verbal children possess.
47-year old woman wrote,
was inquisitive, which both parents interpreted as rude and challenging
to their authority. I was smart so they confused my ability to learn
with a capability for understanding my actions in a greater context.
Therefore, they attached adult motivations to even the simplest
questions of a 4-year old.
Good Feelings for Life
Subjects who reported feeling loved by their parents tended to show a
general lack of resentment or bitterness in their questionnaire
responses. A professional woman in her 40s explained:
was very fortunate. I never had a doubt that I was loved and wanted in
my home. I don't remember if anyone actually ever told me they loved
me, but I knew they did.
It is also common among the gifted subjects that people around them
seemed to assume the gifted children knew how smart and capable they
were. Her doctoral adviser, in contrast, did not assume his students
automatically understood their potential.
described the very positive affect he had on her:
he first suggested that someone might publish something I'd written
(much less that someone might want to read it), I thought he was crazy.
I looked at my Ph.D. program as a route to [her career], never really
thinking about making contributions to the field. His confidence in my
abilities (and those of his other students) and his constant challenges
to do things we felt were beyond our knowledge and skills was
“Outsiders” sometimes provided the love and acceptance the gifted
subjects needed. A woman whose mother was so busy with a career that
she had little time for her daughter found a woman neighbor who played
a large role in her nurturing.
the time I was 4 or 5 years old I considered a neighbor who was my
mother's age to be a very special best friend; I still consider her a
best friend and she has become a good friend to my children as well. I
spent more time with her after school hours than with children until I
reached high school.
My highly gifted adult subjects wrote about many of the changes they
would make in their childhoods. They wanted more information and
confirmation of their intellectual differences; they wanted to be loved
for who they were and not what they could do; they wanted intelligent
teachers who understood how to really teach and go at the student's
pace; they wanted to be surrounded by age-mates and adults who
appreciated them the way they were, understood them, and cared about
majority of the adult subjects reported that they did not receive most
of these things. The consensus seemed to be that an acceptance and love
of who they are and what they are like is the most important and
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Previously printed in the Conceptual Foundations Newsletter for NAGC,
Ruf, D. L. (1998). Environmental,
familial, and personal factors that affect the self-actualization of
highly gifted adults: Case studies. Unpublished doctoral
dissertation, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis.
Silverman, L. K. (1993). (Ed.) Counseling
the Gifted and Talented. Denver, CO: Love.
Author: Deborah L. Ruf, Ph.D.
High Intelligence Specialist
Options to provide accurate information regarding intelligence,
what it is, where it comes from, and how our family, school,
relationship and workplace environments either nurture or stifle its
someone is highly intelligent – different from the majority in
thoughts, expression, and interest – the wrong environment can lead to
confusion, sadness, and underachievement. My continuing purpose is to
open the eyes and awareness of adults in ways that will benefit them
and the children under their care."
Deborah Ruf is also the founder of TalentIgniter, and is an
international authority in gifted assessment, test interpretation, and
guidance for the gifted. Having been a parent, teacher and
administrator in elementary through graduate education, she writes and
speaks about school issues and social and emotional adjustment of
co-author of the book Successfully
Parenting the Gifted Child and author of Losing
Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind.
Estimates of Levels of Gifted Online Assessment on her site.
here courtesy of the author.
Also see more articles
by Deborah L. Ruf.
Some related pages :
Ability - gifted/talented articles
/ sensitivity resources : articles sites books
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