Everyone knows that Santa's reindeer have one of the hardest jobs of all time. They only work one night a year, but they work harder in that night than most of us do all year. How do they make it around the whole planet in just a few hours? Do they load up on Gatorade? Does Santa own stock in 'Five-Hour Energy'? Until now, society has explained this away as "Christmas Magic".
But as our society and our technology advances, we are coming up with ways to finally uncover some of history's greatest phenomena. For example:
1.) "Does the dryer actually eat my socks?" A 3 year long observational study of a dryer in it's natural habitat revealed that dryers actually steal all clothing. We only notice socks because they come in pairs (more evidence for "safety in numbers").
2.) "What would happen if the toilet were to flush in the reverse direction?" This one hasn't been proven yet, but there is evidence to suggest that there would be a reversal in the space-time continuum. Dogs and cats living together, cars driving on the left side of the road, when you take a selfie it snaps a picture of the person in front of you!
3.) For centuries, scientists have been stumped (and terrified) when it comes to explaining things like UFO sightings, paranormal activities, and possessions. In just the past few years, we've finally uncovered the cause of all these things... ObamaCare.
Well, now science has solved another mystery. The only reason that Santa's Reindeer can complete their incredible job is that they use cryotherapy to increase their performance and ward off fatigue! He runs Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and all of the other reindeer through cryotherapy all year long (between reindeer games). Everybody knows that reindeer physiology differs from human physiology. They have a special peptide in their body (a combination of peppermint and fudge) that allows them to repeat cryotherapy all year long without habituating or seeing diminished effects. By the time Christmas Eve comes around, the reindeer are perfectly prepared to perform their duty.
Santa is one smart cookie. Lets look at the other fringe benefits that Santa gets from using cryotherapy:
-Global warming is happening, so how does the North Pole stay full of snow and frost? Answer: cryotherapy frost. Santa is running his reindeer through Cryo all year long in three minute intervals to build up their endorphins and adrenaline in preparation for Christmas Eve. Using that much nitrogen for the cryosauna creates a lot of frost. That is how the North Pole perpetually looks like a Winter Wonderland.
-Another added benefit is the calorie burn! Santa doesn't want to be rude and not eat all the cookies that we leave out for him. How does he manage to eat all those cookies and keep his 'relatively' svelte physique (at least by American standards)?.... Cryotherapy is the key! Cryotherapy revs up his metabolic rate and allows him to burn off the calories from countless chocolate chip cookies.
- Mrs. Clause is no stranger to the benefits of cryotherapy either. She has gone on record saying that whole body cryotherapy is what keeps her skin looking tight and fresh despite all the stress of helping Santa make his list (and check it twice). Any normal woman would develop unsightly crows feet, wrinkles, and age spots. But you can see Mrs. Clause's perfect rosy cheeks and smooth complexion in December's issue of 'Holiday Wives Magazine". Her secret is out!
As cryotherapy continues to evolve, we see more and more of the world's most prominent figures using this technology: Lebron James, Floyd Mayweather, Tony Robbins, and now Santa Clause! They are on to something, folks! Have a Merry Christmas and treat yourself to a cryotherapy session to start the New Year off right ;)