n. pl. fu•til•i•ties
1. The quality of having no useful result; uselessness.
2. Lack of importance or purpose; frivolousness.
3. A futile act.
4. Filling out a March Madness bracket
In the 1600s, Don Quixote took part in one of the most futile ventures of all time. Driven by a desire to revive chivalry, he set out on a quest during which he assaulted a number of windmills. Pretty futile. In 1863 Maj. Gen. George Pickett expanded further on the use of the term futile by leading 13,000 men in a Civil War infantry charge towards their slaughter across open ground and against heavy Union artillery and rifle fire, losing over 50% of his men in the battle of Gettysburg. In 1939, as Panzer divisions swept through Poland, Polish Cavalry launched a brave yet incredibly futile attack on mechanized Wehrmacht columns at the battle of Krojanty. Daremny!
Whilst the above historic and literary ventures were no doubt futile, they pale in comparison to you fools who are about to complete out a March Madness bracket. Yes, sorry, we said it, you fools. You clowns. You Chug Monkeys. You who should have better things to do with your time.
To paraphrase Jeffrey Lebowski, I love March Madness, you love March Madness, that’s terrific! However, there are few ventures as futile as filling out one of those asinine March Madness brackets.
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Here’s the science.
There are a total of 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 possible bracket outcomes, making the odds of a perfect bracket over 9.2-quintillion-to-1. In fact, the odds are so bad that if every individual alive in the world completed a bracket, the odds are a billion-to-one against any of them being perfect.
By all means enjoy the games, there are few tournaments as exciting as March Madness. But for the love of Don Quixote, save yourself the time wasted on completing a bracket. Go read a good book. Give your Grandparents a call. Fix that shelf that needs fixing. If you spent the next two hours doing push-ups it would be time better spent than completing a March Madness bracket.
Amazingly, despite the astronomical numbers, despite the obvious futility of it all, it is estimated that one in ten Americans will complete out a March Madness bracket.
There are communities of Lemmings that live less futile existences than these people.
To those who actually place genuine, hard-earned, cash-money, financial bets on their brackets, you special people are the Polish Cavalry of the gambling world. Let me save you the bother of looking up the battle of Krojanty.
Much like the inevitable demise of your bracket, it did not end well.