There is no doubt that out-of-control anger can be harmful. However, despite its bad associations, anger is a natural and normal emotion. If we understand it better, we can recognize when it is a problem and how to manage it constructively.
Anger is an emotion associated with confrontation or judgment (“You jerk, that’s wrong!”). The hostile thoughts or images that come to mind as a result of the anger can influence other feelings, physiological reactions (such as a pounding heart) and behaviour. If a person lashes out and behaves badly, the resulting consequences can be blamed directly on the anger.
Anger may be expressed in many different ways. People may use the silent treatment, sarcastic comments or physical aggression. Others may just state plainly and politely that they are angry.
Anger alerts us to situations that are not to our liking. It suggests something is wrong or unfair about something that is important to us. Anger also sharpens our awareness of ourselves and others. It energizes us and can motivate us to correct injustice. Finally, anger can encourage us to examine our expectations of ourselves and others and to understand the unhelpful anger we all feel sometimes. This self-examination is especially important when anger and aggression are problems.
Anger is a problem when it:
Myth: A person, thing or event is the cause of the anger-making situation.
Fact: People, objects and events do not cause the anger. It is the way they are interpreted and judged that cause anger.
Myth: People with anger problems speak and act before they think.
Fact: Everybody has to think first to be able to speak and act. However, the first thought of people with anger problems is to want to judge or punish. This leads to problem behaviour. They just don’t take the time to check out their thinking and what it makes them do.
Myth: Some people cannot manage their anger.
Fact: With the possible exception of some people with severe brain damage, everyone manages anger, either constructively or inappropriately, depending on what their goal is.
Myth: Conflict, frustration and anger cause violence.
Fact: Even ill-tempered people experience conflict and frustration at times without becoming violent. Violence is a choice.
Myth: Anger will not go away unless a person strikes someone or something, or gets revenge in some other way.
Fact: Time-outs, distractions, reflection, discussion and constructive conflict management are healthy ways of overcoming anger. Punishment or revenge only serve to prolong the anger.
Myth: Anger problems and abuse run in families and is often thought to be genetically inherited.
Fact: These problems often run in families, but are the results of learning unhealthy habits of thinking and behaviour.
Myth: A person who is in a rage and using physical violence against another is out of control.
Fact: An abusive partner in the midst of a rampage and tirade may suddenly become very calm and polite to answer the phone or if the neighbours or police appear on the scene. This shows a high degree of control. It is certainly not like the person having an epileptic seizure who can do nothing to stop it. Violence is a choice designed to hurt, punish or control another. People give themselves permission to act out.
The goal of anger management is to keep overall, long-term stress at a minimum. This is achieved by reducing the frequency and intensity of unhelpful anger and by dealing with anger constructively. Here are some tips on anger management:
Before the event: I can solve this
I want to be constructive. I can handle this . . . I can handle this. Here’s what I can do. . .”
During the event: I will be polite
“Take it easy. No point getting mad. Listen carefully. Focus on the concern. Don’t attack the person. No put downs. I don’t have to take this personally. Focus on the positive.” (If you begin to experience anger, note the signs - “My muscles are getting tight . . . heart pounding . . . I’m getting angry. Time to relax. STOP. Take a deep breath.”)
After the event: I am proud of the way I acted
Congratulate yourself if you have managed your anger constructively:
“Good job . . . keep it up . . . I can do it again.”
If you did not manage your anger constructively, for instance if you swore at the other person, admit it without putting yourself down. “I yelled and swore, I didn’t handle that well. Let me see what I can do differently next time.” A preventive strategy involves visualizing situations when conflict and anger can occur, then picturing yourself using your rehearsed statements to yourself in each of the above phases. This gives you practice and builds confidence to face challenges before they arise.
If you continue to have difficulty with anger, consult a counsellor who is skilled in dealing with anger management issues.