Love-of the conditional sort- asks us to consider balancing mind and heart: justice, compassion, and accountability are present and may entail “love” without engagement/presence/reconciliation. For example, we can truly love another and logically set boundaries, invoke “tough love,” and say “Enough!” Here, we would hold the person in gentle thoughts and wish their well-being, but rationally determine that the relationship, which may have a pattern that does not feel loving, helpful, or healthy will rightfully distance a grounded person, and can sadly make an ungrounded person feel “crazy." Thus, one can love and determine that a boundary, and at times, non-engagement, is wise.
Love, in the positive psychology literature is a core virtue involving “tending and befriending” (Taylor, et.al., 2000). The character strengths that promote this virtue include: intimacy, kindness and social intelligence (Park, Peterson, & Seligman, 2004). These qualities are also central to mindfulness-based practices that increase non-judgmental awareness, compassion, and kindness.
In my April 2014 post, I commented on the following aspects of love:
Loving generously is a more complex phenomenon because the act and will to love may mean different things to different people. What remains constant is we know when we feel loved and when we are attempting to love. I highlight attempting because our attempt-when poorly defined-may distance rather than bring others closer to us. Rabbi Simon Jacobson provides some guidelines: "Healthy love must always include an element of discipline and discernment: a degree of distance and respect for the other; an assessment of another's capacity to contain your love. Love must be tempered and directed properly. Love with discretion is necessary to avoid giving to those who would use loving to perpetuate negative behavior." He highlights examples of the permissive and indulging parent who spoils their child or the person who "suffocates" his/her partner as forms of negative behavior. Loving generously, much like listening generously, also involves humility, compassion, and honor. In Corinthians 13: 4-7, this is outlined: "Love is patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I started thinking more seriously about unconditional love in consideration of various experiences that can impact people we love: trauma, addiction, mental health struggles, dysfunctional relationships. We know that trauma, for example, is stored in the body, which can lead to dysregulated states that can result in difficult and at times, aggressive and hostile interactions. There's a physiological response that occurs with a traumatized individual in an aroused state experiencing any perceived threat. This “threat” can be something such as threat to status, identity, to more serious perceptions of emotional and physical security. (The key here is perception because there can be no actual threat, but the person is an aroused state due to past experiences so reacts inappropriately by perceiving incorrectly).
The question that follows in relation to love is: Can we think differently, love more unconditionally/generously, knowing that someone we love may be choosing behaviors that he/she has not gained full awareness of and/or worked through? Can our hurt, pain, sadness, disappointment in their behavior be understood more gently, more lovingly? I think the greatest difference between love and unconditional love is presence. Can we provide a presence that can hold understanding without pity for the other? Can we unconditionally love and engage with another being whose life has encountered things we can never imagine, as we hold our own truths, our own sense of self, and stay present with them?
I believe we can work on having moments of unconditional love, and in these moments-the holding environment of unconditional love- can provide the beginnings of healing, in different ways, for both. The person hurt by their loved one can uncover and touch a deeper side of self, which results in greater integration of all facets of their own life and a settled sense of calm and trust in oneself and acceptance of who they are. For the individual struggling with a trauma history, their receiving of moments of unconditional love, can provide a felt sense of their own wholeness and be healing.
That we are all connected at the deepest level, the “I” that is hurt and has hurt others, and the “I” that loves and is loved is one. In this knowledge, we can see that there is no difference, no hierarchy in love. We can strive to love unconditionally in moments, and understand that others, too, may be trying to love us unconditionally. Thus, the movement into the heart is imbued with humility as it takes on a deeper richness, fullness and expression of her gifts.