When it comes to navigating life, few things are as important to a child’s current and future success as his or her confidence in themselves and their abilities. Unfortunately — as many of us awkward, anxiety-ridden adults can attest — we’re not born with it.
On the other hand, a healthy sense of self-worth sends your children out into the world ready to face challenges, build relationships and learn new skills. So how do kids learn what confidence is and how to build a sense of it in them? We talked to two midstate counselors about how families foster confidence.
What is it?
Self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably.
“Self-esteem is looking more at how I feel about my value, but self-confidence is looking more at competence, ‘How good am I at doing things,’” said Cheryl Peterman, elementary school counselor at Silver Spring Elementary School in the Cumberland Valley School District.
The two work in tandem and tend to shape how we as people react to situations and develop relationships. Self-esteem can fluctuate — even daily — but the roots of it can stretch back to early infancy.
According to psychologist Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages of Development theory, babies learn to trust people based on how well their needs are met. As they get older, a child’s sense of self comes from how well they master the different stages of development.
The first four of Erikson’s eight stages are:
- Infancy: Trust vs. Mistrust
- Toddler: Independence vs. Shame
- Early Childhood: Initiative vs. Guilt
- Elementary and Middle School Years: Competence vs. Inferiority
Peterman explained that it’s during stage two that children start to develop self-esteem based on their accomplishments, specifically during potty-training.
“That’s when parents need to start thinking about what their children are hearing from them,’’ she said. “It should always be encouragement and celebration of success, certainly nothing like embarrassment or ridicule or punishment for having accidents. That’s when self-esteem starts to get built.’’
Without the positive encouragement — or with punishment for not hitting the expectations of others — a child’s sense of self-worth might not develop properly.
“When kids inevitably fall short of the high expectations that are set by peers, by culture, by parents, their self-esteem is going to take a hit,” said Kelly Wails, a licensed social worker for Winding Creek Counseling Services in Mechanicsburg.
Failure. It’s a word that strikes fear in the hearts of adults and children alike. But failure, according to Peterman, is a good thing.
“Failing is not bad, failing means that you’ve tried and you’ve had some trouble with it, but now let’s figure out the solution,” she said. “Letting kids fail is key to helping them figure out how to solve their own problems when they get really big later in life.”
Ironically, the fear of failure is often instilled in kids by their parents who want to protect them from feeling scared or worried, Wails said.
“It’s being aware of what we’re uncomfortable with because sometimes what we do with our kids is really more out of how we want to feel or don’t want to feel, not what’s best for them,” she said.
One of the best ways for parents to start framing failure in a positive light is to pay attention to your reactions to failure — your own and your child’s. Ask yourself:
- Do you demonstrate that your son’s failure is just an opportunity to learn how to do things better?
- Do you criticize yourself for your own mistakes?
How parents shape confidence
Parents are the original confidence builders. Beyond encouraging children and celebrating their accomplishments, modeling is another way that children pick up on values.
“One of the first ways to cultivate good self-esteem in a child is to display a healthy sense of self-esteem yourself,” Wails said.
We’ve heard stories of 4-year-olds hopping on the scale and claiming to feel fat or maybe you’ve heard your child call themselves stupid when they make a mistake. Guess where they learned that?
If you are a parent, your kids are always watching you and learning from the way you behave. By modeling the behavior you would like to see in your children, you make it easier for them learn what it looks like to be confident.
Another way parents instill confidence is through consistent communication with and interest in your child. Take the time to be fully present with your kids and listen to what they have to say.
“In doing that you’re teaching them that they are worthy of your time, and that what they have to say and how they feel is just as important as the day-to-day stuff that has to get done,” Wails said.
Signs of low confidence
The signs of low self-esteem and self-confidence can be varied and change based on age. But parents can keep an eye out for symptoms in their children. Some of the common indicators include:
- Separation anxiety in young children
- Extreme shyness
- Failure to socialize
- Negative self-talk
- Fighting or bullying (on giving or receiving ends)
- Self-harming behavior
The American Academy of Pediatrics also lists avoiding challenges without trying and making excuses or placing blame as indicators of low self-esteem.
“If there are any red flags that come up, it’s important to take them seriously,” Wails said. “If parents aren’t sure what to look for, it’s ok to ask for help. Other than you the school probably sees your child the most hours out of the day. Get in touch and communicate with them to see what they've observed.”