You probably knew that there are various styles of communication that people use to express their anger. But, it may be surprising to learn that there are 5 styles – Aggressive, Passive, Passive-Aggressive, Assertive, and Projective-Aggressive styles.
A person using the Aggressive style of anger often feels the need to be in control of themselves, other people, and situations. They do not take no for an answer and use hurt and/or anger to manipulate others into feeling guilty or backing down. Some patterns that typically emerge are that aggressive people use sarcasm, humiliation, put-downs, complaints, threats, and abuse to get what they want.
A Passive anger style tend to want to avoid conflict and confrontation. These individuals do not tend to express their needs and feelings and have a difficult time saying no without feeling guilty. A passive anger style tries hard to avoid hurting others because it leads them to feel guilty. They also avoid angering others so that they can avoid feeling uncomfortable and/or fearful.
People with a Passive-Aggressive anger style are not as outwardly aggressive towards others as the Aggressive style and they also do not want to avoid the conflict as with the Passive style. Instead, when they are mad, they want to get even and may use seduction and/or manipulation to get what they want. They are often nice to your face and use behind-the-back techniques to get even. They may use the silent treatment, withdraw their love/affection and/or attention, gossip, tattle, or refuse to cooperate. When asked what is wrong, they often say, “nothing,” even though their body language or behavior is clearly communicating that there is something wrong.
A person using a Projective-Aggressive anger style may appear as passive but they are not. They are usually pretty angry and are afraid to own and express their anger. Instead, they project their anger onto others and/or may get others to act out on their anger for them. They may say to you that you appear angry, when you are not.
Lastly, people using an Assertive anger style state their needs in a direct, open, and honest way and do not wait for others to read their mind. At the same time, they consider other people’s needs and feelings. They respect themselves and expect others to treat them with respect and dignity. They feel responsible for their own life and choices.