If you have lost control of your child or your household (like the rest of us!), you know how hard it is to get it back. Each time you try to enforce a rule, it’s ignored or your child creates such a backlash that it feels pointless. Who wants to invite more stress in their lives? Who wouldn’t give up and just learn to get by and muddle through?
But you CAN face that backlash AND get your power back. This seems counterintuitive, but the more your child fights back, the more you recover your authority, and the more you will be able to bring order in the home. BRING IT ON. Fighting back against new rules and boundaries is a normal psychological response that is called an “extinction burst.” We all do this. It has been measured through behavioral observations of people of all ages and has nothing to do with troubled behavior. The term “extinction burst” is even used by dog trainers to describe a phase of training!
Psychological studies show that this negative and extreme response, or the extinction burst, peaks at the first few attempts to enforce a rule or set a boundary. Then it falls off quickly. If you can stick it out emotionally, you will see the backlash extremes decrease over time, and the episodes become fewer and farther between. Little by little, simple rules will be followed, or they’ll be followed most of the time (you will always be tested). But by this point, enforcement becomes easier.
For explosive and aggressive children, it can be scary or dangerous to be a on the receiving end because you know about the potential for violence and harm. If you can plan for this ahead of time and recruit loyal help for the inevitable emergencies, and if you can stick it out emotionally, you will see the backlash extremes decrease over time, and the episodes become fewer and farther between. It works, but one must be like a rock and have that support.
Run a tight ship at home, but only have a few hard-and-fast rules, maybe 2 or 3, as this is easier to enforce. Pick the rules carefully because they need to make sense and feel fair to everyone, and they need to be about safety and family unity, examples: we will eat every dinner together as a family; curfew is 8 pm; if there is any outburst, the person must stay in their room for one hour… Rules should be few, fair, and strictly enforced. The first two make the last one easier.
You may be surprised how relieved everyone will be after living through chaos for so long! When I put on my armor and set about getting my power back, it was exhausting and stressful. But I got more respect the more I was in control. Consistent order brings a sense of security and safety, but use common sense and be flexible, set aside some rules temporarily if your child is in crisis or the family is too stressed at the moment. Be very strict on only a few critical things, for example: have zero tolerance for violence against others (and pets).
You are the king or queen of your home, it is not a democracy. Make reasonable fair rules, enforce the rules with an iron hand at first, and then relax bit by bit, and live in a peaceable kingdom.