When someone asks, "How are you?" do you usually answer "Fine" or "OK"?
Most of us interpret the question as a friendly greeting and not an actual query as to the landscape of our feelings. Besides, human emotion is so complex, the prospect of sorting out our sentiments and trying to communicate them can be quite daunting!
But when times are tough it is important to explore our emotions. I use the word "explore" because there are many ways to work with our inner responses. Exploration means you get to try out different approaches and see what's useful for you in various circumstances.
Just naming emotions seems to calm the fight or flight response that can keep us on high alert. So what is a feeling? Here's a handy guide. A word is a feeling if the phrase "I feel ____" can be replaced with "I am ____." For example, "I feel cold" expresses a feeling and I can accurately replace it with "I am cold." (Similarly, "I am frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, hurt, lost, discombobulated," etc., all communicate feelings.)
If you find yourself thinking or saying "I feel that....." it wouldn't make sense to say "I am that...." Most likely this is an expression of a belief or a thought. While beliefs and thoughts are important, see if you can detect the feelings connected to your thoughts.
Once you identify your feelings, try not to judge them. Remember they are not good or bad, they just are. While certain emotions may be more pleasant or unpleasant to experience, the fact that you have a certain feeling is actually a neutral statement and not (for example) a commentary on your worth as an individual.
Having our emotions validated is a powerfully healing experience and I know this first-hand. Validation means telling someone how you feel and having them acknowledge it and hold it without trying to make it go away. Even if someone can't possibly know what your experience is truly like, they can still validate your feelings.
The next time you're with someone who is upset, try thinking of yourself as a friend who will help them hold whatever they're feeling. It's a gift they will undoubtedly appreciate. It's also a skill you can teach others.
While it's important to give yourself permission to feel your feelings, you also get to choose the moments and duration of your emotional explorations. I know from experience that some feelings are difficult to tolerate for very long, and some are inconvenient to experience in certain environments. As long as you're not denying what you feel and you're not refusing to feel, you absolutely get to choose when, where, with whom, and for how long you attend to your feelings in any given session.
Especially when feelings are tough and intense, purposeful distraction can provide a useful respite and pave the way to more meaningful exploration later on. Imagine your inner self carefully and lovingly wrapping up those feelings in a beautiful box and setting it gently on a shelf in a corner of your mind. You know where it is and you know you'll return to re-open the box and work again with its contents. Just don't forget about it completely because forsaken emotions tend to find you and demand urgent attention when you least expect it.
Did you know that under certain circumstances we can choose a feeling? Again, make sure you're not denying what's organically there, but there may be some moments when you decide to try on a positive feeling that's different from your natural state during times of challenge.
This is sort of like "fake it till you make it" and while I don't advocate using this strategy as a default setting, it can be a nice intermittent reminder of what's possible in the future. As such, it can instill hope when times seem hopeless and provide another type of temporary respite.
So don't be afraid to explore your emotions. Take them out, turn them upside down and inside out, look at them from all sides, share them, take breaks from them, and get to know them as well as you can. Notice as they shift and evolve over time. You are a remarkable and unique individual with an emotional experience all your own. Honor it and you honor yourself.
Essays on Grief Resilience