When discussing respectful parenting, many people give the advice to do ‘time in’ vs ‘time outs’ and other punishments. Time in is generally used to describe a parent staying with the child and talking through the emotions with their child.
The problem that arises for some is that all children are different and what comforts one, won’t comfort another.
Regardless, children are deserving of respect and comfort. But comfort isn’t comfort if it’s not what the child finds comforting.
This is something that I experienced with Lucy. Suddenly the way I comforted her older brother (by hugging him, validating his emotions and talking through solutions) was met with really negative reactions from Lucy.
She didn’t want to be held while she processed how she felt. She didn’t want to work together towards solutions at the height of her emotions. She wanted me to give her space and STOP TALKING.
Initially I would respond with things like “you’re feeling so frustrated, I’m sorry this is so hard” and at best she would look at me incredulously like “did you not hear me?!”, at worst she would yell and run away feeling further unheard and frustrated.
How I approached it
What is comforting and respectful in these situations is NOT universal.
When I realised that for her, respecting her and showing her my support meant holding the space for her without cuddles or chatting; it made such a difference! Sometimes ‘less’ is what they need.
That didn’t make it any less uncomfortable for me. I was used to my embrace being comforting and my words being helpful. It took a lot of biting my tongue and intention!
At a time where we were both not processing any strong emotions, I approached her honestly and said that I was sorry I kept making the mistake of trying to cuddle or talk when she was frustrated.
We discussed what I can do next time and agreed that next time I will stay close and that I’m always here if she does want to talk or hug.
She typically needs to really feel the emotion and truly be upset. She needs that space and freedom to express herself before actually coming to me and wanting to talk or cuddle.
Some children need to initiate the empathy cycle THEMSELVES.
Any attempts to force our own hopes for our ideas of comfort and support are actually disrespectful in this case.
Using a codeword
Another helpful thing for those children who are NOT keen on you talking to them when they are angry or upset, is to have a codeword.
The codeword needs to be discussed and agreed upon together otherwise it’s meaningless. They have to find the idea helpful in order for it to be. A codeword can be helpful outside this scenario too!
We tried this initially and it was helpful as we worked together through this different dynamic.
We agreed that when she was feeling really overwhelmed with an emotion, I would say [codeword] which means that I’m going to give you space if you want it but am here if you need me, always.
Ultimately, the core of the expression is the unmet needs and emotions behind the behaviours. If and when they do come to us it’s so important they feel we hear them and don’t belittle their feelings. This includes respecting what is comforting for them.
Do you have a child who doesn’t enjoy hugs or talking when they’re very upset? What would you add?