Rules for Fighting Fair
- Timing is everything! Try to bring things up when your partner will be
willing to listen.
- Deal with only one problem at a time.
- Focus on the problem, not the person.
- Take responsibility for your actions.
- Remember that you cannot control the other person’s reactions, only
- Try to see the other person’s point of view.
- Focus on the present; don’t bring up past arguments.
- Be willing to compromise.
- Consider taking a break if things escalate, and agree to talk more later.
- If you are not satisfied with the outcome, be honest and say so.
- Use “I Statements” and assertive communication.
- My partner treats me well in private and in public.
- My partner listens to what I have to say, even if they disagree with me.
- My partner can talk about feeling angry without trying to hurt me.
- My partner asks how I feel.
- My partner asks me what I think.
- I don’t have to pretend to like something
- I don’t or drop out of activities to please my partner.
- My partner thinks it’s okay when I spend time with friends and family.
- My partner trusts me.
- My partner is there when I need support.
- My partner has physically hurt me.
- My partner tries to get me to go further sexually than I want to.
- My partner threatens to hurt me, themselves or others.
- My partner makes all the decisions in our relationship.
- My partner says it’s my fault when they get angry or jealous.
- My partner criticizes the way I look or dress.
- My partner puts me down or tells me I’m not good enough.
- My partner won’t let me see my friends.
- My partner cheats on me.
- My partner lies about/denies hurting me.
3 D’s: Become an Upstander!
What if you find yourself a witness of a potentially harmful situation. Prevent the bystander effect. Come up with ways to Direct, Distract, and Delegate.
The bystander effect is a phenomenon in which the increased presence of witnesses or “bystanders” during a crisis actually decreases the likelihood that someone will intervene. This is attributed to the assumption by most individuals that someone else will respond, thus justifying their hesitance or refusal to take action.
The key to bystander intervention is the recognition and acceptance that you might be the ONLY one that will act and you should take measures to intervene in the interests of helping someone else, while assessing and taking precautions to protect your own safety and well-being. There are many different ways to safely respond, including the 3 D’s of intervention:
- Direct: Check in
- Examples of helpful questions – Are you okay? How are you doing? What do you need? Would you like to go?
- Provide options, a listening ear, and make sure that they get home safely.
- Delegate: Tell another person who can help you intervene (friend, police, someone with authority, etc.).
- Distract: Interrupt the situation or redirect individuals that may be at risk.