The second principle of Love and Logic is: Share the Control!
Control is a basic human emotional need. It's something we crave so strongly that sometimes people will even hurt others- or themselves- to regain it. Yet, battles over control benefit no one. They create tension and make warriors out of people! Love and Logic teaches parents the art of control. What is this "art"? Simply stated, give control away when you don't need it, so you can get some back when you do! Love and Logic also teaches the science of control. What is this "science"? Share control by giving the types of choices that do not cause a problem for you.
Here's a story to give you an example of what I am talking about. It's a little extreme but you'll get the idea! =)
Sammy's father asked him, "Do you think it would be a good day to have fun at the park, or do you think it would be a good day to not have fun at the park?"
Sammy's eyes lit up, he got this funny look on his face, and he said, "Fun at the park, Silly!"
Dad is sharing control with some fun choices. Mom decides to join in the fun.
"Okay. Now, let's see," she adds. "Do you want me to put your car seat on the left side of the backseat, or the right side?"
"I want to sit in the front!" says Sammy.
"Oh, that wasn't a choice. Let's put you on the right side." Not giving his child a chance to complain, Sammy's dad moves forward quickly. "Do you want me to drive the speed limit, or do you want me to drive a bit slower?"
"I want you to drive the speed limit, so we can get there fast!" Sammy says, partly exasperated by all these questions but, at the same time, feeling a great sense of control in telling his father how to drive the car.
When they get to the park, Sammy's mother asks, "Do you want to get on the swing first, or would you rather get on the slide?"
"I want to swing first!"
"Okay," says dad. "Do you want me to push you, or do you want to swing by yourself?"
"Push me!" Sammy says, all excited.
"You want me to push you hard, or soft?"
"Oh, okay," says his father. "Do you want to fall off and hurt yourself, or not fall off and hurt yourself?"
"Not!" says Sammy, perfectly seriously, although by now his mom and dad are laughing, so he does, too.
"Okay," says Sammy's mother. "You said you wanted to go on the slide. Do you want me to go on with you, or do you want me to stay here and watch?"
"You watch!" he says.
"You want me to catch you like a big monster and scare you when you come down, or do you want me to stand here and just be quiet?"
The wonderful thing about sharing this kind of control with our kids is that we can get silly with it and make fun for ourselves as well as our kids. Sammy's mother notices that they have another fifteen minutes until they need to go. She signals to her husband.
Sammy's dad says to his toddler, "Time to go, Sammy!"
Sammy is having so much fun, he doesn't want to go. He immediately whines, "I don't want to go!"
This is when a Love and Logic parent says, "Oops! I forgot to give you a choice! Would you like to leave now, or would you like to leave in fifteen minutes?"
Guess what this kid is going to choose.
"Fifteen minutes," the happy child says, claiming his control as if he's just won a prize. As this time expires, Daddy says, "Okay! Fifteen minutes is over. Let's go."
Sammy immediately responds, "I don't want to go!"
Mom smiles and whispers, "Now, didn't we give you a lot of choices? This time, it's our turn for a choice. Thanks for understanding." With that information, Sammy looks at the dirt and whispers reluctantly, "Well- Okay."
Sammy's parents shared lots of control by providing plenty of choices. Did you notice that these choices were framed by firm limits? Did you notice how they were careful to give choices only on issues that did not create a problem for anyone on the planet? Did you notice how Sammy responded? These parents are making daily deposits into Sammy's wisdom account that are going to help Sammy- when he's a teenager and throughout his life!
|Daddy loves his son.|
Many parents set few limits when their kids are toddlers. They attempt to enforce them later when their children are adolescents. By that time, it's too late.
Sharing control within firm limits teaches wisdom and responsibility. Here is a story of something that we plan to do with Isaiah that shows you what I mean.
Jim gazed lovingly at his little Cindy and asked, "Sweetie? Will you be picking up your toys today, or will I?"
When she forgot, he quietly picks them up and places them on the top shelf of the hallway closet. Love and Logic parents know that children learn best from consequences when their parents avoid reminding or scolding. Jim kept his mouth shut and kept saying to himself, "Let the consequences do the teaching."
The next day, Cindy was a bit confused. "Where are my toys, Daddy?" She asked.
Jim responded softy, "How sad. Remember yesterday when I gave you a choice- to either pick them up or have me do it?"
"Yes, Daddy," she replied.
"Guess what happened?"
"You put them up?" she whined.
Jim simply nodded and whispered, "Yes. Will you be ready to try playing with them again tomorrow, or the day after?"
Cindy cried out, "Today! I want my toys today!"
Jim continued, "Today isn't a choice. Are you going to stop yelling, or do you need to have some 'being quiet' practice in your room?"
Cindy stopped yelling and started weeping softly. Jim looked at her and asked, "Would you like a hug or no hug?"
Cindy looked up and said softly, "Hug."
The next day Cindy's toys reappeared for another Love and Logic training session. Cindy began playing with them but was quickly distracted by her favorite television show. Jim walked by and asked, "Cindy, will you be cleaning up your toys today, or will you be letting me?"
|Isaiah's First Christmas!|
- Would you like milk or juice with breakfast?
- Are you going to put your shirt on first or your pants on first?
- Are you going to wear your red shorts or your blue ones?
- Are you going to wear your coat or just carry it?
- Do you want a story before bed or no story?
- Do you want your night-light on or off?
- Are you going to brush you teeth now or in five minutes?
- Are you going to have carrots or peas for your vegetable?
- Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly.
- Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous and don't create a problem for anyone else on the planet.
- Always offer two options, each a choice that makes you happy.
2. Make a "withdrawal" and see how your child reacts. Pick an issue and choose not to give your child a choice. For example, "Please go to bed. Thank you." If your child says something like, "I don't want to," try saying, "Don't I give you lots of choices? This time it's my turn. Thank you." See how your child reacts. Love and Logic parents say over and over again that the more choices, or "deposits" they make, the more cooperative their kids become. Sounds good to me!!