Q: My 10-year-old son is very smart and speaks like a mature young man, however, if he does not get his own way he becomes angry and sometimes acts violently. He is so bright but he hates to do his school work. His teachers have a lot of problems with him. I want to help him but don't know what to do.
A: Sometimes children don't mature in all areas at the same rate, says the Help for Families panel.
Known as asynchronous development, this phenomenon refers to uneven intellectual, physical and social and emotional development in a child. In many children, all three area develop at about the same rate, but in some children, intellectual development particularly, may be more advanced than emotional development. For example your 10-year-old may be intellectually ahead of his age, but emotionally at his age level.
"Children mature in their own way," panelist Michael Daniel says. "There are no right or wrong expectations. This boy could be in conflict socially and emotionally and that can him stressed."
All kids mature at different rates, agrees panelist Bill Vogler.
"It sounds like your son's intellectual development is more mature than his social/emotional development. He may be age-appropriate emotionally, but it is often hard for parents to keep it all separate."
Vogler suggest parents maintain appropriate boundaries for violent behavior.
"Make sure it is clear, he can't be violent toward others or animals," Vogler says. "Target behavioral interventions. Reward positive behavior. Punish negative behavior. Have concrete consequences. Since he is bright, you can use intellectual reasoning."
He suggested awarding stars or having a chart as positive reinforcements and limiting screen time as a punishment.
"Do not respond to violence with violence," Vogler warns. "It won't do any good to hit him back."
Offer him more choices, suggests panelist Rochelle Freedman.
"He needs more control," she says. "A way to help is to offer him lots of choices such as what color toothbrush he wants to use. It feels powerful for him."
"It's good to offer a lot of choices as long as parents are OK with the choices," agrees Daniels.
Many children also have problems with transitions so make sure you give him a lot of lead time when going from one activity to another.
"Help him come up with coping skills to deal with his frustration," Daniels says. "Safe choices include listening to music or drawing. You might consider counseling because violence is a red flag."
Also evaluate his learning style.
"He's not learning the way they're trying to teach him," Vogler says. "If he is frustrated in school he will react in an angry way. It's a way of exhibiting power."
The panel lauds you for recognizing he needs help instead of getting angry with him.
"It's good you realize he's in pain," Freedman says.
TIPS FOR A BRIGHT CHILD WHO IS LASHING OUT
•Keep in mind children don't mature in all areas at the same rate.
•Maintain appropriate boundaries for violent behavior.
•Don't respond to violence with violence.
•Offer the child more choices even for simple things.
•Help him come up with coping skills to deal with his frustration.
THE TOPIC TEAM
Parenting experts and guest panelists who helped this week:
Rochelle Freedman, program coordinator for Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House.
Bill Vogler, executive director of Family Answers, Allentown.
Michael Daniels, project supervisor, Pinebrook Family Services, Allentown.
Help for Families is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by Valley Youth House's Project Child.