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Many parents worry their divorce will negatively effect their children. However, one psychologist says divorce can have a positive impact on kids.
Your parents, a best friend, perhaps even yourself—most Canadians have had some experience with divorce. In 2008, Statistics Canada estimated that 41 percent of Canadian marriages would end in divorce before their 30th wedding anniversaries.
Despite this forecast, the actual number of divorces in Canada declined between 2007 and 2008—the most recent years studied by Statistics Canada—but the heartbreak that accompanies a divorce is still very real for many Canadian children. Thankfully, not all kids grow up to carry scars from their parents' split. Here are five positive life lessons children can learn following a divorce.
1. They become resilient and adaptable
For Gabrielle Domingues, a Toronto media specialist and married mother of two, her parents' divorce taught her how to roll with life's changes. "Divorce made me more adaptable to varying lifestyle situations," she says. "My dad lived in a different city for years, so I was more attuned to having more than one resting place with different people and things. That's a useful skill to have."
Dr. Lisa Ferrari, a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist, says Gabrielle's hunch is bang on. "A natural byproduct of going through divorce is that you are required to be more adaptive," she says. "You're in a situation where you have to develop coping strategies to deal with physical and psychological space transitions."
Often, children of divorce grow up having to develop coping strategies that their non-divorce counterparts wouldn't encounter until years later, if at all. "Having to overcome these obstacles and having to deal with change makes some children of divorce more resilient in life," says Dr. Ferrari.
2. They become more self-sufficient
Tara Richmond, a married mother to a six-year-old son and a marketing and media consultant in Collingwood, ON, found that her parents' divorce made her more confident in her own abilities. "Having a mother working full time after my parents' split taught me how to be more self-sufficient," she says. "I went home after school by myself and often started dinner. At age 11, I was doing laundry, and small grocery shops. I really relished my time alone at home. I got to know myself."
The new economic challenges that come with having a single-parent income often result in the child becoming more responsible for household chores. "It's logical that divorce offspring would view themselves as more self-sufficient, and see this strength as a positive outcome of their parents' divorce," says Dr. Ferrari.
3. They develop an increased sense of empathy toward others
A change in the family unit can make some children more sympathetic to the problems of others. "I think I am more accepting of people, their situations and circumstances," says Tara. "My parents were the first of my friends or family to get a divorce. It was 1980, so there was still a stigma."
Dr. Ferrari says that she sees this caring trait in the kids of divorce who frequent her practice. "When their peers have family problems, it's very relatable for them," she says. "I find that they can be quite empathetic."
4. The idea of marriage isn't taken for granted
"Coming from divorced parents, I have a heightened understanding to the stakes [in marriage], which hopefully makes me a more conscientious spouse," says Gabrielle. I feel a certain pride that my marriage is strong and happy when my parents' wasn't, like I'm succeeding where they didn't."
"I'm not surprised that's something Gabrielle's proud of," says Dr. Ferrari. "Even at a young age, kids want to create something different after they've experienced the hurt that comes from the separation of their parents. They say that they're going to do this better than their parents, or not do it at all. Gabrielle's doing it, and she's changing her history."
5. They learn more through quality time spent with each parent
Not all kids of divorce spend less time with their parents. "I got to know my parents on a different level by spending so much time with them individually," says Tara. "I think my relationship with each of them became closer and we learned a lot about each other."
Like Tara, the kids in Dr. Ferrari's practice often mention this plus. "The biggest positive I hear from the kids and see first hand is that they spend more time with dad, especially if their family structure was more traditional [pre-divorce]," she says. "When the parents move into a shared role, the kids find they get more time with their fathers."
While it's more common for a child, or adult, to recount negatives from their parents' divorce, Dr. Ferrari says that the legal community is adopting changes that suit the children's best interests. Hopefully, these adjustments will facilitate more positive outcomes. "We're moving towards alternate dispute resolution processes such as mediation, so parents can go through divorce without involving court," she says. "Engaging in co-parenting therapy lets mom and dad commit to parenting the kids the same way, despite no longer being married to one another. These changes are positive for kids."
If you're worried about introducing your children to your new partner, read our expert tips.
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"Why does she look and feel so good? I think I want what she's having!" If you find yourself thinking like this it might be time to adopt some new habits.
Hair advice that professionals swear by Image by: Bubmle & Bumble
It pays to talk to the pros if you're looking to step up your hair routine. Here's some of the best advice we've received recently from top hairstylists.
"The biggest mistake women make is using the incorrect hair-care products for their hair style, which can leave mid-lengths and ends looking dry. A professional consultation will [determine] what hair-care regimen is best."
"Make sure you're rinsing your hair correctly. That means spending between two and three minutes in the shower rinsing both your shampoo and your conditioner. Contrary to popular belief, warm water isbetter for rinsing products. Then, finish with a 60-second cool rinse to add shine."
"Hair needs all the help it can get. It needs added moisture, emollients, supportive structures. Treat your hair like you do your skin."
"The tendency to want what we cannot have is universal, but a cut will sit better, last longer and be so much easier to maintain if you work with your hair type instead of fighting against it. With a cut that's customized, getting ready is so much simpler—and prettier."
"People with really fine hair and lack of density should consider colouring their hair because they're going to benefit by swelling the hair fibre. If your hair is not damaged, you should consider double process, or single process with your own colour. When you damage the cuticle, you're going to lose some lipids, and that may be good for someone with fine hair looking for volume. Once the hair cuticle is lifted, the hair fibre can look nearly double in size."
Is your sex life pretty vanilla? Have you been in a sexual slump? Here’s the good news: It’s never too late to get that playfulness back in the bedroom. We spoke to Jenna Wells, owner of toywithme.com, a site that reviews sex toys of every kind, to tell us about her personal favourite pleasurable playthings on the market. Here are her top picks.
Trojan has dubbed this one their "most powerful vibrator yet." Its four variable speed settings gives users more control. The compact design allows for individual or partner use, and it’s highly intuitive for direct clitoral contact. "What I like about this is that it’s sold at drug stores, so if you don’t feel comfortable going into a sex store or visiting a sex toy site, you can subtly pick this up while picking up your kids prescriptions!" says Wells. $24.99 available at mass and drug retailers or at www.trojanvibrations.ca.
Developed by two women, Eva is the most highly funded adult product in the history of online crowdfunding. "It has modern, sleek packaging, it comes in pretty colors, has a smooth silicone design, and is rechargeable via wall outlet or USB. Plus, it is effective," Wells says. "The surface is smooth silicone, the wings soft and flexible and the button is easy to find and push, even with lube-covered hands." It's hands-free and allows you added stimulation without having to worry about manoeuvring the tool. $105, available at dameproducts.com.
The palm-sized pod features two super-thin, super-flexible wings that surround a firm "pleasure dome." The design is meant to appeal to women and men, and be used on any body part you please. With four different vibration patterns and five speeds, a powerful motor, simple controls and a waterproof housing, it has a lot going for it. "It's surprisingly quiet. Really, really quiet. Bonus points for discretion here," says Wells. $196, available at jimmyjane.com.
The idea behind the We-Vibe 4 Plus is simple: You can control your vibe via an app on your smartphone. Or your partner can use his or her smartphone to control the vibe, says Wells. "You both need to be running the app, so your partner can't suddenly hijack your vibe without your knowledge." Her favourite feature? The fact that you can wear the vibe during sex. "Since most women can't orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, having a hands-free vibe is the perfect way to ensure you're satisfied." $180, available at goodforher.com.
IDA is a couple's massager, it's worn by a woman, and it's one of the first toys to be made with the new Sensemotion technology, meaning you don't have to push buttons to control it (you can move and shake the remote to create different patterns and power of vibrations). $259, available at lelo.com.
This attachment fits over the head of your electric toothbrush and transforms it into a discreet but powerful external vibrator. A bit invasive for our liking, but if subtlety is what you're going for (and you don't want your kids coming across something more aggressive when they open your night table drawer), this is for you. $76, available at amazon.ca.