In an ideal world, we would all like to be in an “I’m OK, You’re OK” state of mind all the time. People in this state are confident in themselves. They know they always do the best they can, and so does everyone else.
Unfortunately, it is not always easy. Life has its own agenda and things do not always happen the way we want them to. To learn about the other mindsets, read “I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: OK and EQ”.
In parenting, circumstances make us shift from one emotional position to another. Our aim should always be to keep an “I’m OK – You’re OK” parenting style as much as possible. We may find ourselves straying to other styles, but the idea is to snap back as fast as possible.
In parent coaching we have many techniques for helping parents shift to an I’m OK, you’re OK mode. They all start by making sure parents think of themselves as “OK” first. When you are on a plane, the safety demonstration always tells you that when the oxygen mask is released, you should always put the mask on yourself first before helping your child. It works the same here. Before we can help our kids think they are OK, first we need to recognize that we are good and OK! Here are a few activities you can do that will help realize your “OK-ness”:
- Write down 100 things you appreciate about yourself.
- Write down 100 things that you are very good at.
- Find 100 good deeds you had done in the last month. Research on happiness has found that writing down the good things that happen to us every day can increase our happiness dramatically within 3 weeks. There is much power in writing. Use it!
- Think of 10 successful things you have done and write why they were successful. Psychologist Christopher Paterson found that writing, “this good thing happened to me because…” helps us easily shift toward thinking we are “OK”. It forces our brains to connect success with the responsibility of making it happen.
- Write down 100 things you are grateful for. When we focus on the things we have gratitude for, life does not look so bad.
- Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. When you focus on every tiny little thing that goes wrong, you will end up drowning under an avalanche of bad things. Choose to focus on the important things (for example, academic achievement is probably not as important as health and wellbeing).
- Accept compliments. We have been brought up not knowing how to accept praise and compliments. Most parents do not show pride in themselves. When you receive a compliment, open your arms wide open and say a big thank you. Add confidence to your tank.
- Chunk down. When things seem too big, focus on the small steps. Change can happen in seconds. Making one small change can change the whole picture. Like in a card game, one card can change the whole game. Focus on small things that will make huge impacts.
- Focus on action. Remember that action speaks louder than words. Lecturing, talking at and saying things to your kids does not show them how you want them to behave. What you are modeling is how to talk.
- Find your zone. Every person has a zone. It is a place where things work out effortlessly. This usually happens we do what we are best at. For example, In my house, I am better in time management so I manage the family time table. Gal is better with technology; he is in charge of the technical things in the house.
- Be optimistic. This will help us see the good in ourselves and other. It helps us develop hope and trust in ourselves (and others).
- Look for the good in people. This does not mean we do not see things that are not bad. It just means we focus on the good. For example, if it is bad, maybe it is temporary. If it is good, maybe it will last forever.
When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.
– Bernard Meltzer
- Be forgiving towards self. We all make mistakes. To avoid getting stuck where we are, we must find a way to move forward. Forgiveness is the key to our self prison.
Join me next time for the next chapter of the I’m OK – You’re OK parenting series, sharing tips to being a “You’re OK parent”.
This post is part of the series I'm OK - You're OK Parenting:
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: OK and EQ
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Shame
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Guilt
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Parenting Styles
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Being an “I’m OK” Parent
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: Being a “You’re OK” Parent
- I’m OK, You’re OK Parenting: “I’m OK” Beliefs