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Section: New Element Discovered, Bureaucratium
Table of Contents to this Topic
New Element Discovered, Bureaucratium
This is an addendum to a previous news release.
A new ultra-heavy element was recently accidently synthesized by political scientists. The new element, now known officially as Bureaucratium, is electrically neutral, having neither protons nor electrons, and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have:
111 assistant vice-bossions
125 associate assistant vice-bossions
It thus has an atomic mass of -312. The 312 mostly empty particles are held together by a strong, cohesive bonding force which involves the continuous exchange of clingon-like elementary particles called brownoseons.
Since it is electrically neutral, Bureacratium is chemically inert. However, it can be detected indirectly by its ability to impede nearly every action with which it comes in contact. In fact it was precisely this characteristic (and its unexpected appearance) which led the research team to its serendipitous discovery, when it found that a certain reaction which is normally exothermic and occurs in under one millisecond was observed to be endothermic, with an energy input 3500 times greater than normal, and took four days to complete.
Bureacratium is a man-made element and does not occur naturally. It apparently is formed as a by-product of necrotic organizational processes. It is found in greatest abundance in government agencies, large corporations, large non-profit organizations and academia. In extremely minute amounts it may actually serve a useful purpose in normal reactions by catalyzing the full release and exchange of energy among the reactive particles. However, in the typical growth process, Bureacratium seems to self-replicate at an alarming rate, eventually repelling, although occasionally absorbing, reactive particles. If left unchecked Bureaucratium will experience runaway growth and literally feed upon itself and absorb nearby organisms.
Unlike both naturally occurring and man-made radioactive substances which decay continuously due to their nuclear instability, Bureaucratium, although also unstable, undergoes self-replication with a normal doubling time of about nine years. This replication appears to occur as a discrete process rather than continuously, and is associated with periodic reorganizations which occur at more-or-less regular time intervals of approximately three years. At these times, vice bossions, assistant vice-bossions, and associate assistant vice-bossions exchange places, and roughly 1/6 of them generate additional Half-Secretarium particles, which soon quietly and mysteriously mutate to become Full-Secretarium particles.
Bureaucratium undergoes spontaneous chain reactions once it attains critical mass, at which point it is no longer controllable and consumes its host system along with itself. However, unlike nuclear fission and fusion reactions which are exothermic and release vast amounts of energy at criticality, Bureaucratium induces an endothermic process of fractionation and energy diffusion in which the system spins about itself in ever diminishing circles as it implodes, consuming vast amounts of energy. At this point, all productive reactions among non-Bureaucratium particles, as well as replication and mutation of Bureaucratium itself, cease as the system slowly disintegrates. Indeed, it has been found that Bureaucratium apparently cannot exist alone, having been found only in the presence of active particles from which it absorbs energy not unlike a parasite.
Research is currently underway to determine how Bureaucratium can be harnessed or controlled to prevent irreversible damage to productive host systems.
Results to date, however, are not promising.