Between stimulus and response there is a space
In that space is our power to choose our response
In our response lies our growth and freedom (Victor Frankl)
Grief is an experience that most of us have gone through. Grief comes as a result of loss – it is a deep or intense sorrow or distress. Sometimes grief can feel overwhelming. When we are grieving, it seems like it will never end. The pain is excruciating. We may experience loss of a loved one, loss of control, loss of a job or livelihood, loss of a pet, loss of a friendship or a relationship, shattered dreams, uncertainty, loss of our health, among others. We all can identify with one of these losses, but the way grief affects us is unique to each individual.
When we are grieving, the relationship between the amygdala and the frontal lobe of the brain, which is responsible for emotions and stress response, is activated. This interrupts the normal brain function, changing brain chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, hormones that work to keep our system functioning smoothly. Grief throws them off balance.
Grief affects our limbic system, which is the system of nerves and networks in the brain, as well as the prefrontal cortex (Burnette, 2018). This can interfere with the way we regulate our emotions, concentration, ability to multitask, and memory. Hormonal changes can also affect eating and sleeping patterns, causing anxiety and restlessness.
Below are some other ways grief can affect us:
- Emotions– when we are grieving, our emotions go through a rollercoaster, shifting from anger, depression, fear, anxiety, sorrow, etc.
- Fatigue– stress hormones drain our energy
- Low immune system
- Inflammation– when the immune system responds to a threat, it makes the tissues in our body swell
- Digestion– stress hormones interfere with the digestive track, this could lead to irritable bowel syndrome
- Sleep– trouble falling asleep or waking up often at night due to anxiety, fear, etc.
- Aches and pains – muscle tension caused by the stress hormones
- Elevated heart rate – caused by anxiety or the release of cortisol
- Broken Heart Syndrome – jolt of intense emotions can trigger hormones that lead to a sharp chest pain and trouble breathing. Heart may not pump blood as well as before. This can feel like a heart attack
- Risk of resorting to addictive patterns – this can be used as a coping mechanism/self-medication.
It is important, however, to remember that we human beings are extremely resilient. We have the capacity to return to homeostasis after disruption of our nervous system. It is important to understand how grief is affecting us: when we name it, we can tame it, and claim it. We need to be patient with ourselves – it is normal to feel the way we feel. Self-care is very important here. Exercising, eating healthy, having a good routine, and taking time for mindfulness is part of self-care. Using positive self-talk and affirmations goes a long way. Reaching out to loved ones plays a major role in recovery. We can also reach out to others who are grieving and be of support to them. It has a double effect.
Following is a personal experience of grief that changed the way I view myself, others, and life in general.
It was on 18thNovember, 2001 at 01.30 when my phone buzzed. I awoke from a deep sleep and recognized the number – it was my baby brother`s who was 22 at the time. However, he was not on the phone, his friend was, and he was trembling. He informed me that they had been involved in an accident. My first question was: “Where and how is Jack?” He only said: “He is here”! And then I knew something had gone very wrong. Without thinking, I asked for their location, put on my jeans, grabbed my eye glasses, took the car keys and woke my niece up and we rushed out. We arrived at the scene of the accident in 5 minutes, driving at 180km/h. Thankfully, at that time of the night, the streets were empty. When I got there, a small number of people had congregated, and I rushed through them to check on my brother, who was hanging with the torso out of the driver`s window and the legs on the driver`s seat. I checked his pulse, and I was convinced there was one, so I asked people to help me put him in my car, and I rushed him to the hospital together with my niece and his friend. I did not even think of calling the ambulance or the police. When I got to the hospital, which was 5 minutes away, we rushed to the ER and requested a gurney. They placed my brother on it, and the doctor gave me one look as to say: “Are you serious?” He told me that I was carrying a dead body, but I insisted that they examine him. I actually told him that he was not a body – he was my brother. They said there was nothing they could do so they asked me to wait for the cops. I decided otherwise, we put him back into the car and went to a second hospital, and they told us the same. In desperation, we decided to take him to a private morgue, but when we got there, they told us they could not accept his body as it was a police case, so we went to the public one and found the cops waiting for us. They looked at me in shock and asked: “Are you the lady driving around with a dead body? Don`t you know it is illegal to do so?” I screamed: “This is not a dead body, this is my brother!” They saw the shock I was in and empathized with me. The morgue attendants came and laid my brother on a gurney, put a tag on his ankle, and made me fill in some forms. Then they asked us to go home.
We got back home at 04.00, sat on the couch, and WHOA! It dawned on me that it was not a dream. My brother was no more, and I had been driving around the city with his body for close to 3 hours! And then I broke down.
The adrenal and cortisol levels had kept me moving, I was on fight and flight, and totally numb. But when these stress hormones depleted, I came to terms with what was happening.
What followed was a series of deaths in my family – my mother died less than four months after my brother (March 2002) – the grief was too much for her. After another 4 months, I lost yet another sister to a terminal illness (August 2002). I thought it would be enough, but I was mistaken. The following year, in February 2003, my younger sister died of a car crash. In 14 months, I lost 4 very close family members: a brother, mom, and two sisters.
How did I cope? You may ask.
It was a long painful process. I got angry, very angry, and wondered why a loving God could allow such a thing to happen. Why did He keep the angel of death in our house? Why couldn’t this angel move to other places? Why had he camped in our homestead? There were so many unanswered questions. After that period, I became paranoid about any phone call from family or friends, because I expected the worst.
I vacillated between denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler Ross). My family went through a very difficult time, but we were there for each other, we emotionally encouraged each other. We had to make sense of what was happening. The temptation for conspiracy theories was rife, but I decided I was not going down that road. But I knew the reason for this – it is because human beings NEED to make sense of what happens in their lives, and so any reason is better than none at all.
My prior relationship with death was one of fear and dread. And when it struck home, I had to embrace it.
I have grown out of that experience, it changed the way I view myself, others, and the world. My spirituality intensified, and I decided to pay less attention to what I don’t have and more to what I have.
Grief strikes us but we need to develop those internal and external protective factors that help us deal with it in a constructive way. We do not succumb to hopelessness, for we are transitioning in this life, and there is no life without death. We need to learn to accept the little deaths we go through in our daily life. So it is our responsibility to do the best we can while we can, as tomorrow may be too late. And as Victor Frankl says, we always have a choice on what we pay attention to. And I chose and still choose life as opposed to death!