Spring is a perfect time for parents to talk with teens about the cycle of life. Buds are popping, trees are blooming, and parents can take their cue from nature to talk with their teens about human nature.
“The Talk,” however awkward and uncomfortable, really is worthwhile. We know instinctively that our kids need—and want—our guidance, even if they say they don’t. Research backs us up. Recently, social scientists culled 30 years of data from studies of 52,000 adolescents, looking at their communication with parents on sensitive topics, such as sex and dating.
What researchers found is heartening for parents: what we say matters and sinks in. More specifically, the results showed that kids whose mother or father talked with them about sexual behavior and relationships were no more likely to have sex, and when they did, were more likely to take precautions, were more informed, and most importantly, continued the conversations.
Of course, talking with teens about almost anything is more difficult than talking to toddlers, especially because teens are far more articulate—and dramatic—about expressing their own opinions. But talking to teens is equally important. The teen brain is growing and absorbing new information all the time. It’s important for parents to take time to share their values as well as the lessons they’ve learned from their early encounters with dating and sex.
Starting these conversations before puberty is a good idea. I recently attended a parent meeting in my local community elementary school. The “Family Life” curriculum involves nine lessons designed for 5th graders. The basic content covers the changes in mind and body that happen to boys and girls during puberty. It was very basic, factual, and appropriate. What I liked best was that the curriculum encourages parents to talk with their kids about the lessons. It also encourages the children to ask their parents questions.
There are some great resources for tips and topics on talking with teens. Primarily, parents should reassure their teen that they care about them and they want their relationships to be healthy. Reinforce the message that they should never feel pressured to do things that make them uncomfortable.
Don’t assume your child knows about contraception and sex or that they think having a baby as a teen is a bad idea. The HHS Office of Adolescent Health has some advice on what teens want to hear from their parents. Among the tips is to make sure teens understand the emotional aspects of sex, not just the health and safety messages. Talk about the commitment parents make to one another, your own values, and the expectation to complete their education.
The statistics certainly give us reason to engage teens in an honest, open dialogue:
In 2014, nearly 250,000 babies were born to women ages 15 to 19, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. While this is a drop of 9 percent from 2013, the United States still has one of the highest teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world.
Pregnancy and birth significantly contribute to the high school dropout rate among girls. Only about 50 percent of teen moms receive a high school diploma by 22 years of age. The odds also are against their children finishing high school.
No credible evidence suggests that young people are more likely to have sex if their parents, teachers, or religious leaders talk with them about sexual behavior.
The rates of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) among adolescents are even more alarming:
One in 4 sexually active adolescent females has an STD, such as chlamydia or human papillomavirus (HPV). While most STDs are treatable, they are avoidable.
A survey among high school teens in 2013 showed that 47 percent had engaged in sexual intercourse; most did not use a condom. While condom use is increasing, most teens reported not using a condom the first time they had sex.
In this age of instant information, it’s easy to think teens can find answers online, but parents offer emotional intelligence and life experience, even if they don’t know everything. Don’t hesitate to share and listen. Remember, the key is to keep communication open. We want our children to know that we are always willing to listen and offer advice.
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Healthy Children: Teen Dating and Sex
Information designed especially for parents about information on all stages of child and adolescent development. This teen section provides information from pediatricians on talking with teens about numerous topics related to sex, sexuality, healthy relationships, and birth control.
National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy: Parent’s Portal
Tips and resources for talking with teen sons and daughters about sex and relationships, discussion guides, blogs, and videos.
HHS Office of Adolescent Health: Talking with Teens
Conversation starters, tools, and tips.
Susan Newcomer, Ph.D., is a population health researcher at the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, part of the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Md. She manages social and behavioral research on reproductive health, including fertility, contraceptive use and AIDS/HIV risk.