For Additional Help & Support With Your Concerns, Get The Support You Need From One Of Our Counselors, The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. If you do not have a lot of time to spend going to see an in-person counselor, then the online option is going to be very beneficial. The things that matter the most to one spouse often seem insignificant to the other. At Couples Therapy Inc., we understand the importance of relationship questions.Every relationship contains two stories, eagerly waiting to be told. A couples counselor will work with you to improve the trust levels in your relationship. The best antidote for anxiety is information, so Leonardo asked four questions: (1) What is therapy supposed to accomplish? Those questions are great and i feel 90 percent of them but what if u find out that ur spouse ihas a female friend and he kjeeps her as a sercret and u find out and u ask him to stop talking to her cause its ioseting u cause he focus more on her than u and he wont then what do u do. According to Fine, "The first question to clear is whether or not both partners truly still want the marriage to work. Sometimes these trust issues come about due to one person cheating on the other. It is also important to try to see the same type of future together. You have to be willing to listen and accept that there may be things that you need to change about yourself. Let’s not beat around the bush here: Therapy may take up a good hour or so... 2. Dr. Skoufalos suggests asking each other strategic questions to unveil those goals, such as: How do we want to grow as a couple? We use BetterHelp and third-party cookies and web beacons to help the site function properly, analyze usage, and measure the effectiveness of our ads. Question. Ask your partner what he or she expects from marriage counseling. If your significant other has a hard time trusting you, you will find it difficult to connect on any level. Marriage isn’t always easy and it can be helpful to have some professional guidance and advice along the way. What Type Of Love Do You Feel For Your Partner? For example, you could ask your partner questions like: What’s your biggest fear? There are times when people show up for counseling and all they really want to do is punish their spouse. Knowing great questions to ask, and more specifically great would you rather questions for couples, is one of those great relationship… that so few couple know about. … If you want to save the marriage or relationship, then you need to commit to trying your best to fix things right away. He says that he found a place to seek counseling, but he is not a person of his word. It’s going to hurt, but it’s the only way you’re going to get the most out all of this work. Jan 18, 2018 - Here you will find couples therapy and couples counseling books, exercises and worksheets and the best healthy relationship activities for couples. Often, the therapist will just be facilitating conversation between you and your spouse or partner. One of the most common issues that couples experience are sexual incompatibilities. 8 Questions About Couples Therapy You May Be Too Afraid To Ask 1. If the responses center around love and commitment, the chances are you can work together to rebuild the relationship. If you approach this as more of an Inquisition with your spouse being grilled with all of these questions, you might as well not waste your time. Elearn College Community 'Elearncollege is an online college with 100s of different courses. You want to make sure that romantic feelings still live within your relationship. Have you decided whether you are staying committed to your long-term relationship? All relationships go through phases. Read our guide to get started on the journey to the love you deserve. 1980) and later adapted widely within the field of couple and family therapy (Fleuridas et al. This emotionally focused therapy is an important tool that will help you to find the future that you are desiring. You do not have to search for "couples therapy near me" if you turn to online options. Either way, you will need to answer this question truthfully so that you can work on finding a future that will make you both happy. Whether you are in a marriage or if you are simply seeing someone who you love very much, it is worthwhile to fight to save what you have. is there a site where couples can write how they feel and get help with out going to conseling, we did three years ago the Dr. was no help at all we did better but are back not communicating i would love if we could be open to find out what is really going on? Why You Need a Marriage Retreat, Married and Flirting: 7 Signs Your Spouse is Flirting, 10 Best Marriage Counseling Retreats in the US for 2020, When to Divorce: 9 Signs You Need to Get Out, Does Marriage Counseling Work? Says Fine, "Diving into couples therapy and doing all that you can do to repair this primary relationship ... asking the right questions with a couples counselor or therapist might help … Therapy is more than … Here are 10 of the more typical questions a psychotherapist will ask to prime your mental pump for positive change during the counseling process. Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna. 2. The online couples counseling that you can access at platforms like BetterHelp will be highly thorough. Your spouse isn’t going to put their heart on the table unless you do. carolina parker. What do you consider your best and worst qualities? (I don’t mean to be negative, but counseling really is an all or nothing type thing. One of the ways to get the most out of counseling is to be prepared. If your goals for the future are in alignment with your partner's, then that is a great sign that the marriage is worth saving. Talking to you about matters of the heart on GuideDoc.com, For marriage counseling to be effective, both parties have to be 100% fully committed to it and completely honest with each other. BetterHelp online counselors know all of the best techniques and will be able to assist you with getting to the bottom of your relationship issues. I look forward to continuing to work with Janie to hopefully save my marriage.”, “Pamela has been a GREAT counselor! One of the most powerful techniques used in narrative therapy is something called externalization. Honest communication about whether the relationship can continue needs to occur. If you are worried that your relationship has reached the point of no return, one of the most obvious marriage counseling questions is whether you should stay together. NARRATIVE THERAPY QUESTIONS: Narrative Therapy questions are questions that help the patients to elaborate their point of the story in such a way that it helps the therapist to identify the root cause and ultimately helps in the healing process.. If your partner has had an affair, couples therapy may help. Otherwise it’s destined for failure. We just need to stop fighting.”, “We’ve been to counseling and it never works.”, “She’s going to side with you because she’s a woman.”. Verily Magazine. Couples Intake Questionnaire 1. Relationships are complicated. Because of this Dana has a special interest in working with adults who experienced childhood trauma as well as healing after incarceration. People do fall out of love sometimes, and they can even stop being attracted to one another. If yes, what would you like this relationship to be like? Asking your spouse if you are loved is one of the most basic marriage counseling questions. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window) Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window) Written by Anita Chlipala, LMFT. Learn to talk about needs and feelings and share your reasons for what you did. Before going to your first couples therapy session, it might make you feel better to know some of the questions that you should expect to hear. Our partner, BetterHelp.com provides affordable, private online counseling if you think that might be helpful. 1 – What Are The Biggest Problems In Our Marriage? It can also be helpful, if you’re on okay speaking terms with your spouse, to share these questions ahead of time. That way, they, like you, can know what they want to say. This isn’t a rehearsal; it’s counseling. Information for Couples. Each is handpicked + designed to work. What does a ‘conscious’ marriage/relationship look like to you? One of the most important aspects of a relationship is communication. Seeking Individual Counseling or Couples Counseling FOR THE FIRST TIME? If not, what are your alternatives or if uncertain, what help do you need to make this decision? These problems can be about one person not being satisfied with the type of sex that is occurring in the relationship, or the frequency of sexual encounters. At the end of the day, the success of a therapeutic treatment depends on the patients and the practitioner. He developed an approach to couples work that distills the essence of SFBT into guiding principles for working with couples. Couples therapy is an important tool for couples who want to save their relationship. Consider Seeking Online Couples Counseling. The questionnaire takes approximately two hours to complete. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. The questions are designed to open the lines of communication and build a safe space between you so you can fully express who you are and what you need in the relationship. If your spouse has considered cheating, find out why. These couple questions are a great place to start thinking about the right questions to ask to help you and your partner get to know each other better. A relationship involves two people and two different perspectives. The language used to discuss these issues will be very measured to avoid pushing one member of the relationship away. If you are getting ready to go into a couples therapy situation, then you are likely wondering what to expect. They do this by asking a series of questions and allowing you to open up about certain important topics. This is particularly true if you choose a therapist who is specifically trained in couples counseling and adheres to proven, evidence-based relationship therapies such as Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, also known as EFT Therapy. If you are not married to your partner, then the question will be about whether or not the relationship can be saved. It can give couples the chance to talk about what is going on in a safe environment. Use these 66 great questions for couples to ignite fun, and unexpected conversations. 3 answers. In fact, there are studies that prove it, particularly from Purdue University’s Couple & Family Therapy Center. Some general questions could include: What brought each of you into the group? I needed clarity on my marriage and talking to her was so, so helpful. You should also air your views on what you think the most important issues are so that the two of you can work on them together. In a marriage, some things about your partner will always get on your nerves. When you’re in a relationship, couple counseling sessions can focus on these potential conflicts. It can give couples the chance to talk about what is going on in a safe environment. I've listed 7 questions for opening therapy sessions that are useful for providing focus to the therapist and the subsequent therapy session. EFT Summary Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is one of the most researched methods In the field of psychotherapy it is a proven treatment for couples … It is also going to be important to ask your partner whether or not they want a divorce. Emotionally Focused Therapy May Be Right For You. Ideally, you will both be able to see a future where you are both happy and healthy. If you can continue to have healthy conversations in the future instead of falling back into old patterns, then you will be able to lead a happier life together. Trying to align your goals for the future may not always be easy, but it becomes simpler when you can speak with your partner openly about their desires. These questions help to keep the conversation on track. The scenario: A middle-aged couple comes in for treatment because they’re constantly fighting and not having sex. All evaluation-oriented questions provide practical information for the therapist regarding how therapy, and clients' sense of the value of therapy, are developing. If the response has to do with staying together for the children or the number of bills you share, you may need to reevaluate the relationship. If one member of the relationship has completely checked out, then it is just never going to work. KW Couples Therapy is a solution-focused based private practice that helps those with relationship issues maintain a long, healthy relationship through couples therapy. 20 Helpful Marriage Counseling Questions to Ask Your Spouse 1. Both of you have to be willing to work at the relationship in order to make it work. If so, what … They aren’t interested in getting anything resolved; they really are looking for the counselor to choose sides and verify their perspective. That is why the question of whether the relationship can be saved is posed right at the beginning of couples counseling. “Will the therapist take sides?” (I know, not too detailed, but just enough so that i can support my points.) Not only will the past keep coming up in future arguments, it’s hard to get close to someone if you are still angry about something they did. However, in the Gottman couples therapy training, the instructions are to ask only the most important and relevant questions, which can take around 20 minutes. We can help your relationship repair, grow, and thrive. “We don’t need counseling. Couples Screening Form (Doug Tilley) This is a self-reporting questionnaire about each person and their partner. Do You Want A Divorce? Throughout the course of therapy, it is important for both the therapist and the client to have a concrete understanding of how the client is growing and developing their coping skills. Here are the top 10 marriage counseling questions to ask your spouse during your therapy sessions. This step involved stopping any negative interactions with one another to halt the cycle that is keeping the relationship on the rocks. But honestly, i think there is no repairing this. By asking marriage counseling questions you can find out what things your spouse would like to change about you and you can work on those issues. 1.5M ratings 277k ratings See, that’s what the app is perfect for. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Overview for Couples. If you are still a part of the future, your spouse hasn’t completely let go of the relationship. Find new ways to improve communication with one another without judging or getting angry. My husband chose not to get counseling with me but I still got a lot of value out of speaking to Pamela on my own. An Aid to Journaling: If you have trouble getting … Questions that make intimacy last a lifetime. The questionnaire takes approximately two hours to complete. ), It’s worth checking out ‘Save My Marriage Today’. Don’t worry too much about any deficits here. Even if the road is not an easy one to travel, you will always have a dedicated therapist on your side to guide you. (2) How can folks tell if their treatment is likely to be effective, … Discussions about fears, expectations, and many other topics will occur. Couples Questionnaire Used during intake and reviewed after first session. Find out if your spouse feels loved and accepted by you. 2. Here is what you can ask your partner (or that your partner can ask you) – you can even test how you each think the other would answer the question first: 1. You just have to be honest and work on this aspect of your relationship. But, not all couples are excited at the thought of airing their marriage difficulties to a stranger in therapy.. Thankfully there are many couples therapy … Circular questioning is a systemic method of clinical inquiry initially developed by the Milan Associates (Palazzoli Selvini et al. How Can We Trust Each Other Again? Sometimes there are situations where one person feels like they will never trust their spouse or partner again. Mar 12, 2013; It is … Many of the issues that couples are having are based on past problems and actions. Twenty20, dkafalas. When you arrive at marriage counseling, you need to be ready to open up. This can actually be a tough question for some couples to answer. These are just some of the counseling questions you might ask. It has helped me a lot. This is often more convenient for couples because it allows them to work things out on their own time. Can couples therapy save my marriage? Research continually shows that online treatment delivers the same results as in-person counseling across a wide swath of practices. Learn about how to know if you should consider couples therapy, what to expect, how to prepare, and how to get the most out of the experience. The husband. Providing superior couples therapy work requires hours of trainings and supervisions, watching tapes of couples’ sessions, and constant practice, along with the willingness to challenge yourself in order to deliver the best service for couples. I found it to be very informative and helpful in preparing for our counseling session. When asking marriage counseling questions, examine your issues and decide if the marriage has really gone bad or if you are just going through a bad phase. You will find that many relationships become tumultuous due to trust issues. Do we need to work on our conflict style? Signing up for online therapy should not take much of your time either. If your spouse is feeling unappreciated, you need to work on finding ways to show your appreciation for the relationship. When... 2. What is Narrative Therapy? If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger - don't use this site. asked a question related to Couples Therapy; What would be the relation between marital distress and depression? Tell us two or three words that best describe you. If the chemistry is dead, your partner may be prone to looking elsewhere. True change takes true work, and the many types of exercises in couple’s therapy has shown to provide just that. It just depends on the situation. What kind of change do you want to see in what area? If one person simply cannot see a future with the other, then that means that it is either over or there is significant work to be done. Of course, many, many more questions might exist that are specific to your relationship but start here. Whether you are in … “Janie has been listening to my concerns and the things that are affecting me and my relationship. 1. If you’ve got your partner to counseling, chances are there is still something left to work with, but it’s important to know where your significant other stands with regard to making things work. Think carefully about this question … Have Questions About What To Expect In Couples Therapy? If the romance is dead in your relationship, then it can be difficult to move forward together. It is like a road map used at the start of a long … More Marriage Counseling Questions to Ponder Before Starting Couples Therapy. 10 Questions Happy Couples Are Constantly Asking One Another. When someone is not sexually satisfied, they may become weak enough to seek that satisfaction outside of the relationship. Loss of Intimacy and Passion: Over time, couples often begin feeling more like roommates and less like partners. 4. Learn more about how to avoid divorce in our Marriage Counseling Guide. Elearn College Community — Couples Therapy Frequently Asked Questions. If you want to fix the problems and heal your relationship, then your partner needs to know what is wrong. These things usually not cause for divorce, but big things like a lack of trust and honor can destroy intimacy. Online counseling is a great option to help you get your relationship back on track. Just don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep. Research has shown that 70-75% of couples … It is a part of every Intensive Marriage Retreat. One of the most crucial questions that you will be asked at the beginning is very simple. 3. ... Get Your Questions Answered by Experts in the GQ … These are among the most teachable skills in couples therapy. Here are some commonly asked questions: How long does counseling take? Emotionally focused therapy involves helping people to focus on the present rather than focusing on past issues or problems. Marriage counseling is always helpful in preventing divorce. Questions about the transition to parenthood, for example, might not even be relevant to that specific couple. The things that matter the most to one spouse often seem insignificant to the other. Initial Session Solution-Focused Questions Virtually all psychotherapists use the first session of therapy to begin creating a “therapeutic alliance,” the beginning of a positive bond with a client. The next stage of this therapy involves changing the way that you interact with your significant other. Divorce is not easy or inexpensive, so you need to be absolutely sure you are ready to give up before taking that step because it’s hard to turn back once you make that decision. Couples counseling can help couples identify and change the communication patterns that don’t work and can give specific tools for understanding each other. If your relationship has been struggling in various ways, then you may need to consider seeking out couples therapy. Find out if there are any unresolved issues and work on them. Come back. Very likely yes. There is a couples therapy method that has proven to be very effective at helping to deescalate situations. What Are Our Main Issues? Summary I've listed 7 questions for opening therapy sessions that are useful for providing focus to the therapist and the subsequent therapy … You can work with a marriage counselor there, Why do marry man cheat on wife and leave for another woman twice. What are some of the principles that guide the work of effective marriage counselors and couples therapists?. If you’re considering starting couples therapy, you might benefit from having a frank and open conversation with your partner about the … The couple needs to realize that their insecurities and distance is harming the chances of the relationship moving forward. Im compiling the list of questions and some supportive details to go with it. Question … You have to figure out what problems are occurring inside of your relationship. Be as specific as possible. If your spouse has started considering divorce, find out if there is someone else in the picture. There are times when people are very attached to their partner but do not experience strong feelings of romantic love. Discuss shared goals for therapy with your partner. Even if you don't want 100% of the same things for the future, it is important to see whether you both want to continue the relationship moving forward. Types of Questions in Narrative Therapy Types of Questions in White’s Narrative Therapy Couples, Families & Relationships Accountability and Change in Violent Behavior Acknowledgment Action … A Better Love Counselling 604-828-1522 It might be tough for your partner to hear that you don't love them in the same way that you did before, but communication has to occur before anything ever changes. It’s important to have support, and even more important to gain acceptance from those you love. They can then review it with you and provide actionable recommendations for therapy. Trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship. Some questions are more serious than others so have a look through and see which questions for couples are right for you and your partner. Couples therapy is an important tool for couples who want to save their relationship. Your therapist is not going to tell you what to do. With couples therapy, “ultimately the goal is to change the patterns of relating and create the love we want,” says Dr. Papikian. When two people both want to work together to save the relationship, then there will be a good chance for things to succeed. It takes a commitment to honesty and a willingness to let go of the past. Therapists … Psychology Today notes that six in ten cheaters never get caught, so if your spouse is cheating, you may well not know. Often, one of the most tangible outcomes of couples therapy is an increase in communication, and a major improvement in its quality. We have just started working together but she has given me a lot of good things to think about, recommended some reading, and is going to send me some prompts to think of ways to phrase my questions and thoughts to my wife in ways that do not make her fell that I am attacking her or that she needs to be defensive. Treatment usually consists of a short term engagement of between ten and twenty sessions. T take sides but will remain neutral Denice MACKENZIE again will be highly thorough levels. Adults who experienced childhood trauma as well as healing after incarceration questions how. Developed by the Milan Associates ( Palazzoli Selvini et al based on past issues or problems Milan Associates Palazzoli! Be the relation between marital distress and depression treatment depends on the present rather than focusing on issues... 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To say about their experiences with BetterHelp below find out from your spouse considers are the Biggest problems in marriage. Sides and verify couples therapy questions perspective supportive details to go through couples therapy what... Consider the merits of starting couples therapy session arrive in the relationship are not to... To think negatively about you because of things you have to couples therapy questions at least open to hearing about certain topics! At platforms like BetterHelp will be slim Purdue University ’ s what the problems and actions accepted. You get your relationship repair, grow, and even more important to gain acceptance from you! Partner, then there will be very measured to avoid pushing one member of the relationship concerns and the that. That best describe you various ways, then you will need help to keep the conversation on.! 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One of the most important things when it comes to keeping our mental health in check is to make sure we’re also maintaining social connectivity. Many studies have shown that having human connections with others helps us to have a better handle on things like stress, anxiety and depression, and make us much more emotionally resilient. Furthermore, studies have also shown social connectivity to reduce high-risk behaviour, such as drug and/or alcohol abuse, smoking, poor nutrition, and decreased physical activity – in addition to boosting our sense of belonging, security, and self-esteem. If you’re someone who’s shy, the idea of having a large number of people within your social network can be terrifying – and that’s okay too. It’s not so much about quantity as it is about quality and making sure you have a decent support system around you if needed. Whether it’s friends, family members or simple acquaintances, human connections can be helpful when you need to seek out advice, want to bounce ideas off each other, or catch up on each other’s day to day lives. If you’re someone wanting to increase the number of human connections that you have, there are a number of ways that you can do this too. For example, by joining a fun group or organization that you think you might be interested in, or simply by starting up a conversation with someone new, like a neighbour or co-worker.
Unfortunately, not all relationships are positive ones, as there are also instances where they can be toxic and take a toll on your mental health, causing things like stress, anxiety, depression, and other medical problems. In fact, one long-term study that was conducted over 12 years showed that, along with impacting mental health, toxic relationships also had a negative effect on heart health.
Toxic relationships can come in a variety of forms. You can have toxic friendships, have a toxic relationship with certain family members (such as siblings, parents, and children), and even have toxic coworkers. While we shouldn’t expect the relationships that we have with people to be blissful all the time, it’s important to ensure that those relationships are healthy and without significant conflict. In many cases, we aren’t even always immediately aware that the relationships we find ourselves in are toxic at all – and there are some important questions that you should ask yourself in order to determine that. For example, do your relationships leave you feeling content and energized, or unfulfilled and fatigued? When you spend time with the people in your life, do you feel better or worse about yourself? Do the people in your lives make you feel physically and emotionally safe, or do you feel threatened or in danger whenever you’re around them? Is there an equal amount of compromise with your relationships or do you find that you’re giving more while they’re giving less? Do your relationships feel calm or are they full of drama and angst? Do you find yourself having to change your ways to make the people in your life happy? If the people in your life are toxic for you, then those relationships are characterized by feelings of insecurity, control, self-centeredness, abuse of power, dishonesty and distrust, demeaning comments, jealousy, and abuse of power. However, if he relationships you have are healthy, they are characterized by feelings of security and safety, freedom, listening, and compassion.
If you start to come to the realization that certain relationships aren’t as fulfilling to you in the ways that they need to be, you need to do what you can to find relationships that are. Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, you need to remind yourself that you are worthy of having positive people around you instead of having negativity swirl around you. The more negativity you have in your life, the more depleted you will feel, and the larger the toll will be on your own mental wellbeing and have long-term psychological effects. If you’re unable to change someone’s toxic behaviour by having a discussion with them, then you may need to consider separating yourself from them – either permanently or temporarily. If you’re dating, married, or are in a common-law relationship with someone, then this may mean having to consider separation or divorce. For relationships between parents and children, it may mean having to set more rules. For coworkers, it may also mean having to distance yourself. For friendships, it may mean having to sit down to discuss your concerns as well as set boundaries.


Every year, my heart goes out to those who can't be with their families. When friends fail us, grow apart from us, move away, we always have our families who will be with us for eternity. So it really tugs at my heartstrings when I hear of someone missing out on those happy moments around a dinner table or tree.
Your kindness and generosity will make someone's Holiday experience and they will feel loved. If you are someone who is suffering from being away from your family, all the more reason to do this.
When we serve our neighbor, we lose ourselves in the service to each other. You will feel amazing!
Happy Holidays - drive safely - let someone else drive - and....ha ha and all I want for Christmas is for you to pay your bills on time ;).
Love all my reps!
Karen Meyer, Avon Unit Leader
Certified ELITE Coach and Mentor


A little boy’s toy car is missing. He asks his mom where it is, and she tells him to ask his dad. Then he asks his dad, who tells him to ask his mom instead.
It’s not uncommon that we see two parties shift responsibilities for something to one another. In Chinese, this behavior is referred to as 甩鍋 or (互相) 踢皮球, literally “to throw the pot” or “to kick the ball (to each other).” In English, you could say “pass the buck 1 (to each other).”
It’s your fault. Don’t try to pass the buck to me. (這是你的錯. 別想甩鍋給我.)
The seller and the bank passed the buck to each other, neither agreeing to refund the customer. (賣家和銀行踢皮球, 誰都不同意給顧客退款.)
- “Buck” originally means something put in front of a player that reminds him or her to deal at poker. ↩


Did I keep TESKILAT you waiting, my dear? I am ready to wait for you all my life. you’re so sweet. Thanks You are beautiful as always. Did you invite me to flirt with you? Actually, that’s a great idea. I think we should meet one day just to talk about your beauty.
We make it TESKILAT our habit And we will celebrate it in different ways every year. To be honest, beauty doesn’t catch my eye. You want me to keep flirting with you. welcome I don’t need a menu, I want fried chicken. Great choice, and you, Ms. One request. Yes, why did you call me here? Don’t rush. And enjoy tonight. At least give me a hint, why did you call me?
Called to speak for myself, dear. A lot has changed in three months, hasn’t it? When I think of Viennese age and Venus. Never thought we would be like this. But I dreamed about it as soon as I saw you. Real In training, in torture training, and every time I got mad at you I told you I love you. Is this how you express your love? I drew the hair of a girl I had a crush on in elementary school.
It is a one time event. In a country there was an angry prince. He met a beautiful girl and immediately fell in love with her. But the prince, who did not know how to express his love, began to misbehave with the girl. And no matter how badly the prince treated her, the girl never stopped smiling.
The prince, who did not know how to express his love, went to someone. And someone leaned on the prince’s ear and told him what to do. And the prince suddenly He fell to his knees. And looking at the surprised girl, he put his hand in his pocket. And from his pocket A small box was taken out. He asked looking into the girl’s eyes.


If you don't know what men want in a long-term relationship, then you have to learn from a great artist.
The difference between a great relationship and ordinary relationship is similar to a difference between a great artist and a common artist. A common artist gives the same direction to the picture as he sees it. In his painting, he shows a 70-year-old woman like a 70-year-old woman. On the other hand, a great artist displays those things in his art which people usually don't notice. In his paintings, he shows the image of 20-year-old girl in a 70-year-old woman. He spills the young desires, feelings, and aspirations in the face of 70-year-old woman. That's why, a great artist remains alive in the hearts of people.
In our relationships, we are like artists. If our existence, or love, is common, the sun of our happiness will set soon. We'll crave for joy, love, and laughter in our relationship. But, if our love is great, then every day of our life will be interesting, colorful, and beautiful. We'll spend our lives in the best ways.
What Men Want
The way a great artist displays the colors of life in his every painting, the same way a man wants to have a relationship with full of colors and happiness.
I have a friend who has spent 11 years of her married life. And, she's still spending a beautiful life with her husband. She is like that winner who has crossed many, and the most difficult, eras of her relationship. Whenever I see her with her husband, it seems that I am watching the most wonderful relationship.
Before writing on this topic, I asked a few questions from my friends about her successful married life. I tried to find out what is so special in her which keeps her husband connected with her. In that friendly interview, I came to know that my friend is an expert in the field of psychology, and she uses her expertise in her own relationship and keep herself very attractive for her husband.
When I asked her, what's the secret of her love life, she smiled and said, "You just need to know what your man wants. When you know what he wants, you control his mind and heart; he starts loving you that much that you cannot even imagine."
After that, she shared a valuable secret with me. When I came back home and learnt about that secret in depth, I had a pleasant discovery. I found that, every happy woman uses this secret in her marital life. Especially, female superstars use this secret in their life. That's why they stay desirable for their men whole life.
Here, I am going to share that important secret with you. That secret light up the candles of love in the heart of a man and make him love you more and more. If you won't use this secret in your life, it would become very difficult for you to be successful in your relationship. However, if you use this secret, you would make your relationship easier and successful. This secret makes a man realize that you are the best for him, and no one can ever take your place.
"Win His Emotions, Not His Sexual Desire"
To some extent, I can believe that sex is very for important for a man. But, I will never accept that you can win a man's emotions through sex. By using sex as a weapon, you can make a man your follower for a limited time, but you cannot keep him in love forever. Because, a man's emotions and feelings are more important than his sexual desires. He does everything in his life according to his emotions and feelings.
You surely must have felt in your relationship that men normally do work according to their emotions. Their emotions heavily control them. For example, if their emotions are in anger, they will stay the angry whole day. Their mind will stop working. They won't listen to any logic, and they will do things as they want. On the other hand, if they are in emotions of love, then they'll forget all the bitterness of their relationship. They'll be focused on you like a lion, and they will shower their love on you from every way. Because of these points, you can guess the psychology of men. You can understand that it's highly important for you to win his emotions. Winning his emotions is the first step to your success.
Generally, wives try to end the bitterness of their relationship through sex. Wives feel that men only want sex. Therefore, they try to win the sexual desires, instead of emotions. Consequently, they stay unsuccessful in their relationship.
When we watch those movies which have been made on the warriors of history, we realize the importance of men's emotions. In those movies, a woman tries to win the emotions of his man. And, as a result, her man does everything in his power to keep her safe. He breaks the rules, he crosses every limit, he puts his life in danger, and he kills thousands of people for being with his woman.
If you want your man to love you like a warrior, you have to win his emotions; you have to trigger the feelings of love in his emotions; you have to make him want you badly. And, you can do this by focusing on your personality. Your best weapon is your personality. If you can make your personality attractive, you can make your man want you, and you can make him do anything for you.
Nowadays, women use sexy attires for being attractive. I agree that sexy attires fire up the men's emotions, but you cannot make men want you whole life because of them. In order to make your man want you, you have to be gorgeous. Because, a gorgeous woman always steals the hearts of men and keep them under her magic.
If you are with your friends, or if you are in a party, you should look gorgeous. If you are looking gorgeous, you will catch the eye of every man. Every man would love to be with you. And, your husband will feel proud that you are his wife.
You can make yourself gorgeous through different ways. For example: you can make yourself gorgeous through your dressing, habits, activities, ambitions, and works etc. As women want a masculine man in their lives, the same way men want a gorgeous woman in their lives. According to men, a gorgeous woman looks mature, loving, and faithful. That's why, when a man sees a gorgeous woman, he wants to live his life with her.


During Mentor’s Moment, Shelly Lipanovich (CC/CL) reminded us the importance of knowing how to accept a compliment. By not accepting a compliment correctly we may sell ourselves short and we may disregard the opinion of the person giving the compliment. A compliment is a message picked out just for you and to make you happy. Therefore, accept it with praise.
A worthy message Shelly. Thank you!


i'll have to admit, this wedding caught my eye on welovepictures blog because the bride is named kirsten. not kristen. not kristin. kirsten- just like me. one time i asked rebecca if all "rebeccas" freak out when they meet each other- she laughed and said: no. Well, all "kirstens" do, we love to meet each other. and since this kirsten is my new bff (obviously...) let's take a peek at her wedding.
simple but obviously thought-out.
(with some really bad ass looking groomsmen!)
i love to see a groom totally gobsmacked by his gorgeous bride.
nice work David & Kirsten- your wedding really made me smile.


Jester of the Peace
"Jester of the Peace" Wedding Chapel on 42nd Street
217 East 42nd Street NYC
between 2nd and 3rd Ave
Monday, September 26 through Friday, September 30, 2011
TIMES: Mon 10-8; Tue 10-5; Wed 10-2; Thu 10-10; Fri 10-3 and by appointment
Performance artist Barbara Ann Michaels, aka the "Jester of the Peace," legally marries gay and straight couples in a week of spontaneous, spectacular, and special ceremonies at chashama 217.
New York is in love with Equal Marriage! Get hitched and have fun with the "Jester of the Peace." From Sept. 26 to 30th, LGBT and straight couples can legally wed, renew vows, or just declare love as partners or friends in styles from zany to sweet. Don costumes from gowns to clowns, sing your vows. Themes change daily.
Couples wanting legal marriage must provide a valid New York City marriage license on arrival. Appointments and Walk-Ins welcome. Far-off relatives and friends can attend via Skype (and maybe even do a reading!).
"There is nothing more sincere than having a really good time together," says real-life wedding officiant Barbara Ann Michaels. Ms. Michaels is New York’s “Jester of the Peace,” specializing in personalized, costumed, and adventure weddings. Says Michaels, "I have married couples at many elegant New York venues, in spontaneous declarations of love in Times Square, and on a reality TV show. No matter the form of a wedding, the sincerity of the couple’s love and commitment always shine through 100%. The modern trend is for your wedding to express who you are together. For couples who wouldn’t feel true to themselves without also expressing their creativity, I’m here. At the nexus of love and art."
The "Jester of the Peace" will also offer love letter writing, love grams by phone on the spot, making wedding rings from odds and ends, themed games, and a secret box to release whatever gets in the way of love in your life. Love is Art. Art is Love. And you’re invited to the wedding!
Barbara Ann Michaels, New York City’s Jester of the Peace, is a wedding officiant, clown, actor and writer. For more information, please visit http://JesterOfThePeace.com


I thought that the husband will buy gold bullion for me for my birthday and our anniversary, but he didn’t! hehe! I told him that I want something sparkling for my birthday but since he’s far he can send a gift for me. I just told him to save all his gifts to me in the two years that he will not be here so I guess I would receive the things that I wished for. I asked for a pair of gold earrings or bracelet and a digital SLR camera (until now, this is still on my wish list). I’m not putting pressure on him though, but I’m always reminding him that I really really want these things, lol!
6 years ago


Friends with Benefits: Dilemmas between Friendship, Love and Sexual Intimacy
Friends with benefits (FWB), are you familiar with the term? Or have you ever been in the relationship of such?
According to some literature studies, FWB or friends with benefits is a sexual relationship that occurs in the context of friendship between men and women, without any commitment that will lead to romantic relationships, such as dating or marriage. FWB relationships are increasingly being chosen by young adults today because of the desire to postpone marriage, spend time developing education and careers, as well as learning about commitment in relationships without actually having a to deal with real consequences of a real commitment.
Above all this, individuals involved in FWB relationships have sexual needs that they want to meet but are limited to friendship because they do not have to deal with the risks to feel emotionally disappointed or involved in feelings of love (Lamanna & Riedmann, 2009; Bisson & amp; Levine, 2009).
Some adults might see an FWB relationship as an interesting way to explore or see the commitment of a partner before heading for a more serious relationship (Owen & amp; Fincham, 2012).
The FWB relationship is a common phenomenon that occurs more often in Western countries than in Eastern countries. This can be caused by the strong norm values held by Eastern society, especially the State of Indonesia which considers premarital sexual relations to be a taboo and a disgrace for oneself and his/her family. It cannot be denied that the majority of Indonesian people today, especially teenagers and adults, have had premarital sexual relations.
Sexual intercourse generally occurs in couples who are in dating relationships, but it does not rule out the possibility that sexual activity can occur in friendships. The sexual activity carried out by FWB couples can include hugging, kissing, touching genitals, oral sex, to sexual intercourse. Another situation that supports the occurrence of sexual relations in friendships is the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs that are used together.
Following the traditional gender roles, men tend to be able to have sexual relations without commitment compared to women. Women tend to feel unhappy with FWB relationships because in general, women will expect commitment in a relationship, whereas commitment is something that is avoided in FWB relationships. The results of Lehmiller, Vanderdrift, and Kelly's research (2011) found that men were more involved in FWB relationships in the past than women. Also, men tend to expect that the FWB relationship will not change their friendship status, in contrast to women who expect an FWB relationship to turn into a romantic relationship.
According to Bisson and Levine (2009) only about 10% of the chances of individuals undergoing FWB relationships that develop into romantic relationships. Sexual impulse and physical attractions are the main motivations of most men in starting a relationship, while women tend to prioritize emotional closeness in a relationship.
In the friendship between a man and a woman, often raised an issue where one party has feelings for her/his partner, especially if the friendship has existed for years. When the feeling of falling in love has arisen, coupled with the willingness of both parties to have sexual relations in friendships, then it will arouse advantages and disadvantages.
Bisson and Levine (2009) mentioned that the benefit obtained through FWB relationships is recreation, non-exclusive sex with someone who is known and trusted. Where losses that might occur such as destroyed friendship because of sex, loss of friends, the emergence of negative emotions such as jealousy or feelings of hurt, creating an unrequited desire of not being able to continue the relationship in a more serious direction.
A similar opinion was also expressed by Buczek, Puchala, and Kocur (2016), when an individual starts to fall in love with his/her partner in an FWB relationship, then he/she will have difficulty to restore the condition of feeling towards his/her partner as before.
The agreement of both parties to avoid emotional ties and the equal understanding of commitments towards that agreement is a major aspect when undergoing FWB relationships. When each individual is able to understand boundaries and is committed not to "put" expectations in the FWB relationship, it will minimize the appearance of negative impacts toward individuals involved.
According to Bisson and Levine (2009) when the FWB relationship ends, there are two possibilities that might happen. Whether the friendship remains intact as before or it is fully ended. The results Owen, Fincham, and Manthos (2013) found about an FWB relationship is that the majority of individuals (81.5%) who underwent FWB relationships continued to make friends with their partners, even though the sexual intimacy had ended.
In addition, about 50% of participants in the study felt closer to their FWB partners. In FWB relationships, especially where individuals who prioritize friendship on the basis of intimacy, it does not get affected by the negative impact toward the quality of their friendship after the "benefits of sexual intimacy" are over. Individuals who discontinue being friends after their FWB relationship ends, tend to show greater feelings of loneliness and depressive symptoms.
Some of the results of research and opinions of the authors that have been presented previously showed that the FWB relationship is not just a place for individuals to meet their sexual needs without a commitment bond, but there are dilemmas and even negative impacts that can arise when individuals are unable to control emotions, hopes and stay committed to the rules in the relationship.
Through this phenomenon of friends with benefits, we can learn that whatever form of relationship formed by individuals, there will always be limits and consequences that will be found. Every individual also needs to learn to respond wisely to the decisions that they have made and determine whether the relationship they are having has more negative or positive impacts on their lives and their well-being as a person.
Author: Putu Yunita Trisna Dewi, S.Psi (Students at Clinical Psychology Profession Masters in Airlangga University)
Translator: Anggun Mita K. (Editor Team of Halo Jiwa Indonesia)
Editor: Retno Pratiwi S. P. (Editor Team of Halo Jiwa Indonesia)
Bisson. M.A., & Levine, T.R. 2009. Negotiating a friends with benefits relationship. Arch Sex Behav. 38: 66-73.
Buczek, A., Puchala, A., & Kocur, D. 2016. The dark personality triad in people involved in “friends with benefits” relationships. Przegl Seks. 4(48). 37-44.
Lamanna, M.A., & Riedmann, A. 2009. Marriages and families: Making choices in a diverse society. Tenth Edition. USA: Thomson Wadsworth.
Lehmiller, J.J., VanderDrift, L.E., & Kelly, J.R. 2011. Sex differences in approaching friends with benefits relationships. Journal of Sex Research. 48(2-3). 275-284.
Owen, J., & Fincham, F.D. 2012. Friends with benefits relationship as a start to exclusive romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 29(7). 982-996.
Owen, J., Fincham, F.D., & Manthos, M. 2013. Friendship after a friends with benefits: Deception, Psychological functioning, and Social connectedness. Arch Sex Behav. 42. 1443-1449


Are you curious to know what is ring warming? You have come to the right place as I am going to tell you everything about ring warming in a very simple explanation. Without further discussion let’s begin to know what is ring warming?
Weddings are a celebration of love, commitment, and the coming together of two individuals and their families. Traditions and customs vary across cultures, and new rituals continue to emerge, adding unique and heartfelt elements to the wedding ceremony. One such ritual that has gained popularity is the “ring warming” ceremony. In this blog, we’ll delve into the significance of ring warming ceremonies, their symbolism, and how they contribute to the bond between couples and their loved ones.
What Is Ring Warming?
A ring warming ceremony is a heartfelt and inclusive ritual that involves the wedding guests in the act of blessing and imbuing the couple’s wedding rings with positive energy and well wishes. As the rings are passed from guest to guest, they have the opportunity to hold the rings, offer their blessings, and infuse the rings with their love and good intentions.
Symbolism And Significance:
- Shared Blessings: The act of passing the rings among the guests signifies the couple’s desire to share their love and union with their closest friends and family. It’s a way of involving the community in the celebration and invoking their blessings for a happy and harmonious marriage.
- Unity and Connection: Ring warming ceremonies emphasize the unity between the couple and their loved ones. The rings become a physical representation of the connections and support that the couple has from their families and friends.
- Positive Energy: The act of holding the rings and offering blessings imparts positive energy and intentions into the rings. This energy is believed to be carried by the rings throughout the couple’s journey together.
- Meaningful Participation: Ring warming ceremonies offer guests a meaningful way to participate in the wedding beyond being witnesses. It allows them to actively contribute to the couple’s happiness and mark the occasion in a personal and memorable manner.
How A Ring Warming Ceremony Works:
- Display: The rings are usually displayed in a decorative container, such as a small box or pouch, at the entrance of the ceremony venue.
- Announcement: The officiant or a designated person explains the significance of the ring warming ceremony to the guests before the start of the wedding ceremony.
- Passing of the Rings: As the ceremony progresses, the rings are passed among the guests. Each guest holds the rings briefly, offers a silent blessing or well wishes, and then passes the rings to the next person.
- Return to Couple: Once the rings have made their way through the hands of all the guests, they are returned to the couple. The couple then exchange their rings, symbolizing the circle of love and unity.
Personalization And Meaning:
Couples often tailor the ring warming ceremony to their preferences and beliefs. Some provide cards or small notebooks for guests to write their blessings, while others incorporate cultural or religious elements into the ceremony.
Ring warming ceremonies are a beautiful testament to the interconnectedness of love, community, and shared blessings. As couples embark on their journey of marriage, the collective energy and well wishes of their loved ones become an enduring source of support and strength. By embracing this meaningful ritual, couples infuse their wedding day with an even deeper sense of unity and love, as they are surrounded by the warmth and goodwill of those who hold their rings and their hearts.
Get answers to your queries on Querclubs.
What Does A Ring Warmer Do?
A ring warming ceremony is a tradition that involves passing around the wedding bands to guests. Upon receiving the rings, guests “warm” them up with a prayer, good wishes, or positive vibes for the couple’s future together. Wedding rings are a visible symbol of a couple’s commitment to one another.
What Do You Say At A Ring Warming?
Here is an example: Now we would like to invite the wedding guests to pass the wedding rings between each other and warm them with their wishes, prayers, and blessings for XX and XX. As this happens I ask everyone to say a silent wish or prayer for this couple, their marriage and for their future together.
How Long Does Ring Warming Take?
It should only take a few minutes if the ring warming is part of the wedding ceremony. Before handing the ring to the person next to them, each participant should offer a wish or a prayer. The ceremony lasts as long as it takes for the guests to send their good wishes into the rings.
What Is The Ring Warming Tradition In Ireland?
Believed to be an Irish tradition, the warming of the rings takes place when the couple’s wedding bands are passed around by guests. Each person has the opportunity to briefly hold the rings while also saying a short, silent prayer or good wishes for the couple.
I Have Covered All The Following Queries And Topics In The Above Article
What Is A Ring Warming Ceremony
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What Is Ring Warming Ceremony
What Is A Ring Warming
What Is Ring Warming
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how can you call yourself a feminist but then drool over a boy?
babe i can fight the patriarchy and ride a dick those things are not mutually exclusive
- I am in a relationship with you
- You are my mom
- I need something
- Me and you are close as fuck


Constellations Written by Nick Payne Directed by Katie Rooney '21 Stage Managed by Morgan Grant '20 Marianne: Audrey Black '21 Roland: A.T. Thomas '20
One relationship. Infinite possibilities. Nick Payne's Constellations is a play about free will and friendship; it's also about quantum multiverse theory, love, and honey. In the beginning Marianne and Roland meet at a party. They go for a drink, or perhaps they don't. They fall madly in love and start dating, but eventually they break up. After a chance encounter in a supermarket they get back together, or maybe they run into each other and Marianne reveals that she's now engaged to someone else and that's that. Or perhaps Roland is engaged. Maybe they get married, or maybe their time together will be tragically short.
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1.I know he will TRULY love me.
2.I know he would never give up on our relationship and try and improve it if it gets bad.
3. I know he will always be loyal.
4. I know he will never look at other girls, won't even acknowledge them.
5. I know that he will love only me.
6. I know that I will always be his first and only priority for as long as we both live.
7. I know that he'll do his best to be with me every single minute.
8. I know that he is willing to do anything for me. especially killing those who are against us.
9. I know the HE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT ME.


1.Establishes own leads and builds professional relationship with potential clients. 2. Achieves sales targets and provide support to others.
3. Tests and recommends new ways to increase Market Share. 4. Leads negotiations with clients, business associates, and business contracts.
5. Manages developmental programs and activities to facilitate introduction of company's services. 6. Develops office client base and forms key relationships with both existing clients and new prospects.
Saudi Arabia; Sudan; Somalia; Syria; Tunisia; Yemen


"My wants are simple: a job that I like and a guy whom I love. "
"Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness. "
"When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier. "
actual photos of james potter having a bad day
*distressed deer noise*
*DISTRESSED DEER NOISES INTENSIFY*


Divorce can be devastating. You will have to cope with the idea that you have to reshape your future. In an ”ordinary” divorce, both parties’ lawyers consult with each other and the court, usually, decides on the children, the property, the maintenance et cetera. The approach of divorce mediation is quite different.
When partners have decided to split up, the mediation procedure enables them to discuss the future situation in the presence of a mediator. The partners themselves are responsible for making decisions and resolving upcoming issues. Mediation procedures result in less accusations of either party in the future. Divorce mediation has an eighty-percent success rate.


Original long-form nonfiction narrative writing
Andrew and Maria Murray were the son and daughter of the head of the immensely powerful Dutch Reformed Church in the Cape Colony, in what later became South Africa. Sarah Emily Duff writes about the siblings’ extremely close relationship, which occurred during a period when the nature of family relationships was being debated by scientists and theologians.
In June 1853, Maria Murray, the small, slim, intense nineteen year-old eldest daughter of the respected and powerful Moderator of the Dutch Reformed Church (DRC) in the Cape Colony, agreed to marry twenty-six year-old minister Johannes Neethling. It was a highly eligible match. Maria was educated, well-connected, and pious. Johannes – gentle, kind, and with a growing reputation for his intelligence and simple, accessible sermons – had been marked out for future promotion. He was deeply in love with her, and Maria told her parents and family that she hoped the marriage would transform her into a better Christian.
However, shortly after accepting Johannes’s proposal, Maria wrote to her closest confidant:
To think of the closeness of the sweet bonds – which united our souls – and then remember – and then to think that I have myself calmly and deliberately consented to form another which can never be unclosed – Andrew comfort me – by telling me it was not I but Christ that did it.
This letter was not addressed to a best friend or even a lover. It was, rather, addressed to Maria’s elder brother, twenty-one year-old Andrew Murray, the chaplain of the Orange River Sovereignty, and a future Moderator of the DRC. Handsome and, like his sister, physically small – throughout his life he suffered from chronic ill-health – Andrew became one of the most important preachers and theologians of the DRC during the nineteenth century.
Andrew’s diaries and the siblings’ correspondence between September 1851 and July of the following year reveal that Andrew and Maria Murray had formed an intense and intimate bond during Maria’s extended visit to Bloemfontein, the capital of the Sovereignty, in the final months of 1851. Her decision to marry Johannes, one of her brother’s oldest friends, caused both her and Andrew deep distress. He accused her of inconstancy; she felt obliged to marry to Johannes. By August 1852, Maria and Andrew agreed that their relationship was untenable, and that Maria’s future was better served by marrying Johannes.
But during their brief time together, Maria and Andrew’s relationship transformed fundamentally from being primarily filial to something that provided both with emotional and spiritual support, but which they believed was in some way immoral.
Maria’s anxiety about losing this closeness with her brother is a recurring them in the fragments – the letters and diary entries – which chart the development of their relationship. However free they may have felt with each other – however much their closeness produced a sense of limitless possibility – they were both intensely aware of their isolation from their family, from their parents and nine siblings.
Paradoxically, this relationship which arose partly from their own, separate loneliness only served to separate them more from others. But placed within the context of mid- and late-Victorian anxieties about love and family, this sibling relationship is illustrative of a set of concerns about siblinghood, incest, and the nature of family relationships during the period.
Definitions of incest were under review over the course of the nineteenth century. Up until this period, there was no legal definition of incest in Britain, and what prohibitions there were had been established by the church centuries previously. This uncertainty about the blurring of filial and romantic relationships is particularly evident in Romantic literature. Full-, half-, or adopted siblings – in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1831), Byron’s earlier draft of Bride of Abydos (1813), and Laon and Cythna by Percy Shelley (1817) – form intense, usually self-destructive, relationships as a means of exploring the extremes of feeling and emotion.
Yet the relationships between brothers and sisters were also celebrated within sentimental mid- and late-nineteenth-century fiction and poetry. The cultural and social historian Leonore Davidoff identifies an ‘over-determination’ of sibling relationships within the middle classes in Europe during the late eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. As the size of middle-class families increased with the slow decline of rates of child mortality within the wealthier strata in European society, the nature of family life altered. Children’s relationships with their parents became increasingly dependent on their position within the family’s age range. Older siblings parented younger brothers and sisters, and children of similar age grouped together and formed intense bonds of love and friendship.
The Murray household in the rural centre of Graaff-Reinet in the Cape Colony overflowed with children. Andrew Murray snr had immigrated to the Cape from Scotland in 1822. A fiery, evangelical preacher, he prayed for religious revivals to sweep the DRC’s congregations, and encouraged the church’s first missionary and philanthropic activities. He married a local woman, Maria, and with her had thirteen children, eleven of whom survived childhood.
The childhood of their oldest daughter, Maria, exemplified these changes within middle-class siblinghood. She was both daughter, and mother. Because of her mother’s almost constant pregnancies, since her fourteenth birthday, she had been the family’s housekeeper, responsible for caring for babies, and educating her younger brothers and sisters. Her father’s frequent absences and absorption in his pastoral duties made her, effectively, the head of their household.
Maria did, though, spend two years at school, and was encouraged to read. Her father debated theology with her as willingly as he did with his sons. The two eldest of the Murray boys were sent to their uncle in Aberdeen in 1838 to be educated. Maria could barely remember their leaving, when John was twelve, and Andrew ten years old. The boys’ letters home – stoical, pious, and dutiful – describe little of how they experienced their separation from their parents. Upon their return to the Cape a decade later – having been ordained as ministers in the Netherlands – their younger siblings did not recognise them, and they were introduced to the babies who had been born in their absence.
Considered too young to be given his own parish, twenty year-old Andrew was sent into the dry, sparsely populated expanse of South Africa’s interior. He was appointed the DRC’s Chaplain for Britain’s newly-acquired Orange River Sovereignty – a colony about the same size as present-day Nicaragua. Alone in his house in dusty Bloemfontein, or alone on his horse as he travelled for miles between distant villages, he soon began to feel overwhelmed by his task, and wrote to his father for help, who dispatched Maria at the end of 1851.
With Andrew, Maria was, for the first time since early adolescence, responsible only for herself and her brother, and interested only in their relationship – both with each other, and with God. Their parents placed a special emphasis on the need for all their children to confess to having ‘found’ God and being ‘saved’. Both Andrew and Maria were anxious that they had not formed this close bond with God that their parents seemed to require. But together, they achieved what they believed to be a kind of spiritual intimacy. On returning to her parents’ home, she wrote to him, remembering how, ‘sitting at [his] side or on [his] knee’, they had discussed their spiritual development together. Maria wrote that she could ‘never expect to enjoy such [happiness] again on this side of heaven.’ She added:
The union of hearts so uninterrupted and perfect and pure – I hardly think I can find again – the feelings while kneeling beside you – and together pouring out our full hearts before our beloved Redeemer I have not experienced since – and do not know whether I ever can experience them again – of all that time – which will not be renewed again on earth – of all the sweet communings with you.
This closeness accounts to some extent for Andrew’s response to Maria’s announcement of her engagement the following year. He wrote, and she destroyed, several furious letters. In his diary, he gave full vent to his grief: ‘I have more than once said I did not think I could ever love a wife more than I had love a sister’. He admitted that he was ‘jealous’ and ‘thought [him]self more worthy than him [Johannes] of her love.’ He tried to justify the marriage as being part of God’s plan for him: that the marriage was punishment because his ‘heart had valued the creature too highly.’ It was a means of ‘curing’ him of his ‘inordinate affection for the creature’.
He later apologised for the letters he sent in response to her marriage, calling them ‘miserable’ and full of ‘naarheid’ (rottenness). He explained he had not, initially, approved of the marriage because, ‘as [he] fancied it, it would be prejudicial to [her] own spiritual welfare. Whether this fear were not a mere covering invented by the deep deceitfulness of [his] treacherous heart for hiding its sinful feelings – is a matter [he had] not yet settled.’
But what were these ‘sinful feelings’? The nature of the siblings’ relationship is difficult to gauge. The intensity of their attachment suggests that their relationship shifted from filial to romantic during Maria’s stay in Bloemfontein. However, the language, expression, and interpretation of love and affection altered over the course of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. Middle-class Victorian women, for example, shared beds, gave each other love tokens, and expressed their love for each other without necessarily intending for this affection to be understood as romantic. While it may be surprising to read of a sister sitting on her brother’s knee, as Maria seems to have done, it is also likely that a nineteenth-century audience would have seen this as an entirely innocent expression of intense filial affection.
Moreover, the fragmented nature of the remaining correspondence between Maria and Andrew cannot present a wholly accurate portrait of their relationship: while most of Andrew’s letters and diaries have been carefully preserved in the DRC archive, only some of his sister’s correspondence remains. Andrew’s diaries and his letters to Maria provide a fairly comprehensive account of his feelings during this period, but her few remaining letters are not nearly as effusive as his, nor do they allow as much insight into her own struggles – emotional, spiritual – at the time.
Her panicked appeal to her brother to ‘comfort’ her by telling her that ‘it was not [her] but Christ’ who made her agree to marry Johannes, implies that she understood her impending marriage to require her, reluctantly, to shift her affections from brother to future husband. But it is impossible to ascertain for certain how she understood the nature of the affection between herself and her brother.
Andrew, though, seems to have understood the relationship as being illegitimate. In a diary entry at the height of his anguish, he found comfort from the day’s Bible reading, noting: ‘By a striking (providential?) coincidence 2Sam. 11-13. came in the order for reading.’ These chapters describe two illicit relationships: David’s lust for Bathsheba which drove him to arrange the death of her husband; and the incestuous love of Amnon, son of David, for his sister Tamar. Amnon fell in love with Tamar, lured her into his chamber and then raped her. His brother, Absalom, subsequently murdered him in retribution. Andrew’s relief at reading the passage indicates that he – if not his sister – believed that the relationship was incestuous.
Andrew’s anxiety spoke to wider concerns about the relationships between brothers and sisters. Middle-class siblings were encouraged to develop close relationships. The sentimental, popular fiction of the period idealised the bond between brothers and sisters as the model for future husbands and wives. Indeed, it was not uncommon for siblings in one family to marry those in another. For instance, Charles Darwin and his elder sister married the Wedgewood siblings Emma and Josiah, as Emma and Josiah’s father and uncle had married two sisters from another family.
This overlapped with wider public debate around the British Empire about what defined incestuous relationships.
At a time when marriage between first cousins was on the increase within middle-class families in Europe – partly as a result of wider social acceptance of the practice; after all Queen Victoria had married her first cousin – scientists were beginning to wonder about the biological consequences of close consanguineal marriage. Darwin had become concerned about the effects of inbreeding on human development both as a result of his own research, and out of concern for his and his children’s ill-health. In 1868 and 1876 he published two studies on cross-fertilisation in plants and animals, and concluded ‘that interbreeding prolonged during many generations is highly injurious.’
In 1870, he proposed to John Lubbock, an anthropologist, MP, and friend, that the upcoming British census should include a question on cousin marriage to test the belief that there was a correspondence between inbreeding and physical or mental deficiency. Lubbock’s proposition to the House of Commons was rejected on the grounds that ‘the idle curiosity of philosophers was not to be satisfied’ by the census.
Darwin turned, then, to his son George, a mathematician, asking him to ascertain the statistical probability of first cousin marriages producing weak or ill children. Based on the study of 18,528 marriage announcements in the Pall Mall Gazette, genealogical information in Burke’s Peerage, a questionnaire sent to eight hundred members of the upper classes, a sample of marriages from the General Registry of Marriages at Somerset House, and statistics collected from asylums, he concluded that there was no evidence to support the view that consanguineous marriages produced children who were infertile, deaf, blind, or in any other way disabled.
Despite this evidence, anxiety about incest did not dissipate. During the 1880s, child saving organisations in Britain and the United States launched campaigns to draw attention to the sexual exploitation of girls within working-class households: by fathers and by brothers. In these terms, incest was a crime committed between close relatives, undertaken against the innocence of vulnerable young women. At the same time, governments around the British Empire were debating whether brothers- and sisters-in-law should be allowed to marry.
From the 1840s, a series of Deceased Wife’s Sister Bills were introduced to the House of Commons and parliaments in Australia, Canada, and South Africa, to legalise marriage between widowers and sisters-in-law – and specifically the sisters of deceased wives. These marriages had been barred on the grounds that Leviticus 18:18 expressly forbad union between a widower and his deceased wife’s sister. But public opinion was on the side of reform, regardless of the Church of England’s protest that allowing these marriages would sully the sibling-like bond between widower and sister-in-law.
In 1907, marriage with the deceased wife’s sister was legalized in Britain. The following year, incest – defined as sexual relationships between members of the immediate family – was criminalised. Writing about the perpetual ‘invention’ of new forms of love within societies, Theodore Zeldin comments: ‘the history of love is not a sweeping movement towards a greater freedom, but an ebb and flow, a whirlpool, and long periods of calm.’ As this example suggests, love and romantic and sexual attraction are as much the product of social change and the overlapping of scientific enquiry and public debate, as they are determined by biology.
The relationship between Andrew and Maria Murray occurred within this context of debate over the meanings of legitimate relationships within families. The intensity of their relationship ran the risk of being interpreted as incestuous. For all the succour that their relationship provided them, it could not last.
Maria’s marriage was, by all accounts, long and happy. She had twelve children, adopted several more and, under the nom de plume Lydia, became a popular and respected poet. Andrew married several years after their relationship, and became one of the most powerful men in the Cape Colony. He and his sister were never again as close as they had been in their early twenties.
Sarah Emily Duff is a writer and postdoctoral research fellow based in Cape Town, South Africa.


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This article is written somewhat tongue in cheek, as I don’t necessarily believe that there are 4 essential things you should keep in mind while transitioning with your partner. BUT while Dylan was transitioning to gender neutral I felt fairly alone in the world so set upon the Internet to give me some back up and support, and what did I find… ‘The 4/7/6/9 ways to be a great partner while your partner transitions’… I found the Internet, usually a wealth of information, extremely lacking and it made me angry. Not once did I ever stumble across an article about how I could look after my own emotions through this journey, how my partner could support me, nor how we could do this together as a team. And this, in my opinion, presents a huge gap in the minefield of information out there about transitioning.
Many people transition with partners and the partner, as several articles informed me, plays a key supporting role in terms of both supporting their trans partners’ emotions, as well as being a pioneer in leading the actual transition through the usage of new pronouns and names and reminders to all of your community to support this new identity. This is an extremely important role, and one that is both exciting and daunting. Exciting because it leads to great happiness for your trans partner. Daunting, because in leading this push for your partner’s new identity, you can often be at the forefront of a pull away from your own identity. As a lesbian who has solely dated women, I have really felt my identity shift and have at times felt extremely threatened by this. Hence looking for ways to support myself through this process- cue Internet!
So this article is an article for both people in a relationship that undergoes a gender transition, the trans partner and the other partner. It is what I would have wanted to be advised, and what I have found has worked for me. It is also an article to reiterate that in any relationship both people deserve equal emotional energy, especially during a time of change. It is a counter to the many articles telling me how to best support my partner, and instead giving some ideas of how both of you can support each other and work together. Yes, the journey of the trans person is often seen as being epic in its proportions and changes, but so too is the journey of the partner. If you do it together it will be so much easier for both of you.
So, without further ado, my top 4 tips:
1 – Inclusion.
Being included in your partners transition, and their thought process surrounding this, is essential to keeping a healthy and open relationship. Similarly, it is important that they are included in where you are at with the changes that are occurring.
Often when Dylan and I argued it was purely because I felt blindsided by a big decision that had been made seemingly from nowhere, when in actual fact Dylan had been thinking about it for a significant length of time. Dylan said that including me in their thoughts and fears about their identity was terrifying, and seemed far too confronting, largely due to the fear that I may not like the explorations and may back out of the relationship. I understand this, but a well thought out conversation discussing these fears, vulnerabilities and thoughts would have gone a long way to explain to me where Dylan was at in life, and more importantly why. For example, comments about name changes that came completely out of nowhere were very overwhelming to me, and made me feel both disconnected, as well as uncertain about Dylan was thinking and why. In contrast, a conversation about thought patterns could have brought us much closer together and had both of us working on this as a team.
Likewise, it is important for the non-transitioning partner to share their thoughts about the transition. The key to all of this really, is communication, which leads me to point 2.
Communicate clearly, regularly and respectfully with your partner, even when it’s hard and scary to do so.
This may seem similar to point 1, but it’s more of an enabler to point 1 really. In order for you to be able to include each other in these often difficult, sometimes convoluted, and often confusing thoughts it’s vital that you lay some ground rules for communication. If I’m honest Dylan and I did not do this well at the start. Our pattern was me fretting about a small (seemingly innocuous to Dylan) comment, then forcing Dylan to elaborate, feeling blindsided by the new revelations and getting angry because I was overwhelmed and shocked. It wasn’t good. To start to work through this we realised that we needed to communicate much more regularly and effectively normalise the conversation so that it was not a huge revelation every time the conversation was forced out. We set aside times to discuss our thoughts in the beginning, in comfortable, happy places so that we could feel connected whilst discussing issues that were often very sensitive. We tried to listen more and actively think about what we were saying and why we felt certain ways. In addition to this we read about different love languages and thought about the different ways that we both communicate our love for each other so that we were better able to appreciate these love acts. (Click here for a brief explanation of the languages). Through this we felt much closer to each other as we knew each other’s fears, vulnerabilities, strengths and communication styles and our relationship really flourished because of this.
Even though things may be tough, always try to connect and enjoy each other’s company.
Connecting time is different to the time that you spend actively discussing transition and identities, although sometimes they can meld together. When you are in the middle of huge changes that are emotionally very demanding it is easy to become stuck in a bit of a rut. An important thing to remember though is that both of you are still, at your core, the same humans that you have always been. Dylan and I always made sure to have date nights, go out and do fun things together, buy little gifts, send that reminder ‘I love you’ text, cuddle a lot. We found that the more connected we felt to each other, the easier the conversations were as well because we both felt really well supported, which again leads to my final point.
Support each other and recognise when one of you needs some extra help.
This point is always one of the first for the partner of a transitioning person- ‘listen to your partner, remind them you love them, be that strong person they can turn too when it seems too hard’ etc. It should be the same for both of you though. Unfortunately I feel I was sometimes lacking in this for Dylan. I did show some amazing support, including throwing a surprise naming day, attending appointments etc, but I also let my own fears sit at the forefront in the beginning, and for this I will always be regretful. I wish that I had been a stronger rock for Dylan, but in hindsight I can understand how our communication patterns led to this not happening. In contrast, Dylan has been an exceptional support to me throughout this journey. When I had a bit of a breakdown after seeing an inexperienced psychologist who left me open and vulnerable Dylan sat with me and held me while I cried, and even went so far as booking me a luxurious facial to give me ‘something for myself’. Dylan was my strong rock, despite knowing that the reason I was devastated was firmly intertwined with them. My main point about support is recognising when your partner, trans or non trans, needs that extra helping hand and not taking it personally. It can be a long, daunting, overwhelming and confusing process that you are undertaking together and there will be days of doubt and pain. On those days you may not be able to solve the worry, but you can alleviate some of the pain by being you- the beloved, special and comforting other half of your duo. Sometimes this will mean setting aside some of your own thoughts for the moment and reassuring your partner. Sometimes it will mean crying together as you both share mutual understanding of your journey. Sometimes it will mean wearing the ‘big human pants’ and taking control of something that seemed too hard, and confronting the issue head on with your partner. However it manifests, knowing that you have each other to lean on when you need it and sharing this journey together will ultimately make you stronger and better connected as a couple.


Crying for the Moon (novel). Alex Novik has an unusual dilemma–he wants to make a new existence for himself by leaving his vampire past behind. Along the way, he discovers the headaches of home ownership, becomes entangled in the problems of his werewolf friends, and tries to deny his attraction for his new, sexy neighbor next door. Loving Tate will draw him into Alex’s dangerous world, and Alex is torn between finding the relationship he’s always craved and keeping Tate safe. Release date July 22 2011. Winner of the Coffee Times Romance Recommended Read Award. August 2011 Recommended Read by Reviews by Jessewave. First Runner Up in the Love Romances and More’s Golden Rose Awards for Best Paranormal of 2011.


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