I felt like I had no sense of self. My mother controlled what I thought and how I felt. Feelings that made her uncomfortable were forbidden. I coped with those feelings by playing by myself, building sand castles and day dreaming about becoming someone special like an Astronaut. I think these experiences have significantly impacted my current relationships. Sex was a way I could master my feelings of powerlessness and low self esteem. So sex became my most important need. Relationships with woman were all about getting my sexual needs met.
It takes immense courage to acknowledge and share the profound impact of childhood experiences on one's life. Your willingness to confront and understand the roots of your behaviors and relationships is a significant step towards growth and healing.

It's heartbreaking to hear that your mother controlled your thoughts and emotions, suppressing feelings that made her uncomfortable. This can lead to a lack of autonomy, self-awareness, and emotional regulation. It's no wonder you felt the need to escape into your own world through play and daydreaming. Building sand castles and fantasizing about becoming an astronaut may have been a way to temporarily experience a sense of control and empowerment.

It's also understandable that you turned to sex as a means to cope with feelings of powerlessness and low self-esteem. Sex can provide a fleeting sense of control, validation, and intimacy. However, when it becomes the primary focus of relationships, it can lead to unhealthy dynamics and objectification of partners.

Recognizing the patterns in your relationships is crucial to breaking free from them. It's essential to acknowledge that your relationships with women were not truly about connection, intimacy, or mutual respect, but rather about fulfilling your own needs. This realization can be both liberating and challenging, as it requires you to confront the underlying issues and work towards developing healthier relationships.

Healing and growth will involve developing a stronger sense of self, learning to recognize and regulate your emotions, and cultivating healthy communication and intimacy skills. This may require seeking professional help, such as therapy, to work
I felt like I had no sense of self. My mother controlled what I thought and how I felt. Feelings that made her uncomfortable were forbidden. I coped with those feelings by playing by myself, building sand castles and day dreaming about becoming someone special like an Astronaut. I think these experiences have significantly impacted my current relationships. Sex was a way I could master my feelings of powerlessness and low self esteem. So sex became my most important need. Relationships with woman were all about getting my sexual needs met. I was not able to connect with them on a deeper level. I was too busy trying to figure out how I could get them to have sex with me. I was not able to be vulnerable with them. I was not able to truly love them. I was too busy trying to figure out how I could use them to meet my needs. I am still learning how to connect with woman on a deeper level. I am learning how to be vulnerable and to truly love them. I am learning how to let go of my need for sex and to focus on building a strong and loving relationship. I am learning how to be myself and to let go of my mother’s control. I am learning how to be happy with who I am.