I wanted to see the Eras Tour. Instead, my husband spent thousands on an affair. How do I get past my resentment?
Olivia Christensen
Personal Finance, Money Stories
For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.

This week, a reader's husband spent thousands on another woman during an affair.

Our columnist says that it's important to be assertive about how he can make it right.

Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

Last year, I found out my husband was seeing another woman. When I confronted him, he admitted it had been going on for over a year. I didn't want a divorce, so we went to therapy and healed, but in doing so, it came out that he had spent thousands of dollars on this other woman.

I can get past the physical and emotional betrayal, but I feel stuck on this financial one. We aren't all that well off to begin with. To get that much money for her, he had to withhold a significant portion of his paychecks.

I keep thinking back to our conversations during that time about tightening our belts and not buying each other gifts for special occasions to save money. Meanwhile, we could have gone on a couple of great vacations with the money he was spending on her.

I want to move past it, but things keep popping up. I'm a huge Swiftie, and I couldn't have made it clearer how much Eras tickets would have meant to me, but I didn't get any. Apparently, concerts were one of their go-to dates. Every time I am reminded of the Eras Tour, it physically hurts to think he robbed me of that once-in-a-lifetime experience so he could give more to another woman.

I don't know how to address this with my husband. We aren't in therapy anymore, and I have forgiven him, so how do I deal with this leftover resentment?

Sincerely,

Betrayed but Unbroken

Dear Unbroken,

You call your financial concerns "leftover resentment," but I wonder if they are less of a loose end in need of a bow tie and actually the origin of the pain. When someone betrays us like this, we tend to have a sticking point. For some, it might be the deception; for others, it may be the physical violation of their spouse bringing someone else into the marital bed; for others, it might be knowing that their partner was bonding with someone else over their spouse's flaws.

For you, it was your husband's choice to take your shared resources — money that might have otherwise gone to everything from concerts with you to your retirement — and spend them on someone else.

Examining this sticking point is important because it illuminates an issue that goes deeper than infidelity. Healing from the financial betrayal will require you to excavate some of the deepest hurts in your marriage — the ones that preceded the affair. The ones that are scary to say out loud because we know deep down that they're the real deal breakers. The ones that if your husband were to dismiss or defend, your marriage wouldn't recover.

Your choice to save your marriage is a testament to your dedication to the life you've built together. This dedication demonstrates how badly you want to keep all the things you would lose in a divorce, and I have a feeling this intense desire pre-dates you finding out your husband was cheating.

Often, this desire to not lose our whole lives breaks down into strange, even silly, unconscious trade-offs. "I need more help around the house, but I don't want to cause trouble."

"I want to go on more date nights, but I don't want him to think I'm whiny."

"I would like to spend a grand on once-in-a-lifetime concert tickets, but I don't want to fight about money."

The baseline idea is "My life is good enough," and the result is "So I will settle for less to keep it." Someone operating this way may accept late nights at work, decreased intimacy, thoughtless gifts, and so much more because keeping the life they love outweighs the little grievances, even when those grievances add up to a massive red flag.

And while those little grievances are all the ways your husband betrayed you, they are also the ways you betrayed yourself by not insisting on more. This is why I began my response to you by calling the financial aspect "the origin of the pain" because, yes, your husband had a relationship with another woman, but he had already been robbing you of the things you want in life, and to be a team player, you didn't call him on it.

But now you two have done the work in therapy, I would assume he is making more of an effort. It's time for you to advocate for yourself by demanding the changes you need him to make. I would start by having a conversation with him about your love language. Tell him that gifts, travel, and expensive experiences mean a lot to you. While you know that in the past you were willing to forgo these things to save money, you aren't anymore.

I've got some good news for you — Taylor Swift is bringing the Eras Tour back to the States this fall. Tell your husband you will be purchasing tickets. If he balks at the expense, tell him how important this is to you and let him know that next time, you expect it to be his idea.

Make this the new normal. Ask for the things you want. If he doesn't get them for you, tell him how it makes you feel.

While an affair is new and exciting, a marriage is a lot of years, a lot of problems, and a lot of practical solutions like "tightening belts." It must feel like your husband spent all this money on this other woman because he liked her better, but he didn't. You are the one he chose in the end. He spent that money on her because she was a break from his real life, which was made up of boring grown-up things like budgets — a life that, by the nature of marriage, you have come to represent.

But the jig is up. Now you know the money is there. It's just a matter of how it's being spent. Make him spend it on you. You deserve it.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
For Love & Money is a weekly Business Insider column answering relationship and money questions.
This week, a reader's husband spent thousands on another woman during an affair.
Our columnist says that it's important to be assertive about how he can make it right.
Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money, Last year, I found out my husband was seeing another woman. When I confronted him, he admitted it had been going on for over a year. I didn't want a divorce, so we went to therapy and healed, but in doing so, it came out that he had spent thousands of dollars on this other woman. I can get past the physical and emotional betrayal, but I feel stuck on this financial one. We aren't all that well off to begin with. To get that much money for her, he had to withhold a significant portion of his paychecks. I keep thinking back to our conversations during that time about tightening our belts and not buying each other gifts for special occasions to save money. Meanwhile, we could have gone on a couple of great vacations with the money he was spending on her. I want to move past it, but things keep popping up. I'm a huge Swiftie, and I couldn't have made it clearer how much Eras tickets would have meant to me, but I didn't get any. Apparently, concerts were one of their go-to dates. Every time I am reminded of the Eras Tour, it physically hurts to think he robbed me of that once-in-a-lifetime experience so he could give more to another woman. I don't know how to address this with my husband. We aren't in therapy anymore, and I have forgiven him, so how do I deal with this leftover resentment? Sincerely, Betrayed but Unbroken Dear Unbroken, You call your financial concerns "leftover resentment," but I wonder if they are less of a loose end in need of a bow tie and actually the origin of the pain. When someone betrays us like this, we tend to have a sticking point. For some, it might be the deception; for others, it may be the physical violation of their spouse bringing someone else into the marital bed; for others, it might be knowing that their partner was bonding with someone else over their spouse's flaws. For you, it was your husband's choice to take your shared resources — money that might have otherwise gone to everything from concerts with you to your retirement — and spend them on someone else. Examining this sticking point is important because it illuminates an issue that goes deeper than infidelity. Healing from the financial betrayal will require you to excavate some of the deepest hurts in your marriage — the ones that preceded the affair. The ones that are scary to say out loud because we know deep down that they're the real deal breakers. The ones that if your husband were to dismiss or defend, your marriage wouldn't recover. Your choice to save your marriage is a testament to your dedication to the life you've built together. This dedication demonstrates how badly you want to keep all the things you would lose in a divorce, and I have a feeling this intense desire pre-dates you finding out your husband was cheating. Often, this desire to not lose our whole lives breaks down into strange, even silly, unconscious trade-offs. "I need more help around the house, but I don't want to cause trouble." "I want to go on more date nights, but I don't want him to think I'm whiny." "I would like to spend a grand on once-in-a-lifetime concert tickets, but I don't want to fight about money." The baseline idea is "My life is good enough," and the result is "So I will settle for less to keep it." Someone operating this way may accept late nights at work, decreased intimacy, thoughtless gifts, and so much more because keeping the life they love outweighs the little grievances, even when those grievances add up to a massive red flag. And while those little grievances are all the ways your husband betrayed you, they are also the ways you betrayed yourself by not insisting on more. This is why I began my response to you by calling the financial aspect "the origin of the pain" because, yes, your husband had a relationship with another woman, but he had already been robbing you of the things you want in life, and to be a team player, you didn't call him on it. But now you two have done the work in therapy, I would assume he is making more of an effort. It's time for you to advocate for yourself by demanding the changes you need him to make. I would start by having a conversation with him about your love language. Tell him that gifts, travel, and expensive experiences mean a lot to you. While you know that in the past you were willing to forgo these things to save money, you aren't anymore. I've got some good news for you — Taylor Swift is bringing the Eras Tour back to the States this fall. Tell your husband you will be purchasing tickets. If he balks at the expense, tell him how important this is to you and let him know that next time, you expect it to be his idea. Make this the new normal. Ask for the things you want. If he doesn't get them for you, tell him how it makes you feel. While an affair is new and exciting, a marriage is a lot of years, a lot of problems, and a lot of practical solutions like "tightening belts." It must feel like your husband spent all this money on this other woman because he liked her better, but he didn't. You are the one he chose in the end. He spent that money on her because she was a break from his real life, which was made up of boring grown-up things like budgets — a life that, by the nature of marriage, you have come to represent. But the jig is up. Now you know the money is there. It's just a matter of how it's being spent. Make him spend it on you. You deserve it. Rooting for you, For Love & Money Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.