Is there too much sex on our OTT platforms?
Whether its television shows like 'Bhabiji Ghar Pe Hain' or a film like 'Haseen Dillruba', sex and lust are okay if the women direct it towards men - but not so much if the women show convincingly that men can be redundant. No woke parent sat down with us to tell us about the birds and the bees. We learnt everything about everything from the movies. Indoor campfire, rain outside, both hero and heroine have taken shelter and hes singing, Bhool koi humse na ho jaaye. Torn blouses, smeared bindis, white bra strap were all flags of bad things happening to good girls. But god forbid should you try and count Helens hip shakes in Mehbooba, mehbooba!! If grown ups caught you, you wouldnt be able to sit down for a week at least! But today, no ones singing, Tera rang hai nasheela, ang ang hai nasheela!. The Dukes derriere has been viewed so many times across Netflix (a show called Bridgerton) that I actually fast forwarded the lovemaking scenes. And my answer would be: a person who is tired of watching men in the shows on the OTT platforms who do not look anywhere close to the aforementioned delicious Duke, thrusting away at women who have to unh..yes..unh..more with all the interest one would show in a slug walking across their garden path. I loved watching this girl walk across the fields (shes met her lover there) with the charpoy (rope bed on wood frame) on her head! Now thats a woman a man needs to covet. OTT shows have plenty of simpering misses who look like they will twerk their small backsides. Watch Valeria, Ingobernable, Someone Has to Die on Netflix. The lust makes you want to pause the show and drag your partner to do the down and dirty. Kavita Bhabhi. If my YouTube algorithm were a person, theyd be clutching at their pearls, fanning themselves and using smelling salts on the fainting couch. I would be sitting across from them head bowed, still horrified by what I had watched. Kavita Bhabhi of the eponymous show on Ullu app. But the numbers will stun you. Millions of views, millions of downloads, millions of subscribers. I tell myself, there are a billion people, and their phones have Ullu and Balaji and KooKu. They dont want to see The Great Indian Kitchen or Ted Bundy, they want to see Kavita Bhabhi seduce a neighborhood uncle. Obviously Im being judgemental. So I decided to watch the videos on YouTube and see what is turning India on. For someone who has been thrilled to bits with Gillian Anderson playing sex therapist in the Netflix show Sex Education, watching these 15-minute, 22-minute action episodes was nothing short of horrific. There is no pretense at art, or good taste here. The operative word is mazaa (and translating it to fun would be giving it too much credit and style). This is baser. Imagine a shapeless but gigantic bosom being thrust at the camera. The camera then gets intimate with everything including bhabhis armpit, and the comic book eye-popping reaction of nerdy lads getting their first taste of carnal pleasure. They wont try to seduce the audience by showing the ample samples of the heroine buoyant in a tubful of foam. Theyd rather show a damsel shivering during a bucket bath, a thin towel keeping her warm and steamy like a momo... If they attempt to garnish art, it is probably showing bhabhiji barely draped in a red dupatta (edged in gold) lying among rose petals (American Beauty has much blame to share!). Sex/Life and nothing exciting  Then you get an excited phone call from aunties who have recently discovered Netflix telling you about a hot show called Sex/Life. Did you tell them Malati masis life?  I am all ears. I did not know Malati masi (May she rest in peace!) led a life where she fantasised about Brad Pitt while the super lame Vinayak uncle snored next to her! That phone call ruined the show for me. But the show tries so hard to be sexy, you watch it despite the cringe inside you that is not far away. I know you should not care about logic when it comes to lust, but you must be some sort of desperate to want to haunt an ex girlfriend just because you had unforgettable sex with her. There was no swinging from the rafters there, nor were there strange pleasure contraptions. It was the same ole whisper sexily in ear, bedroom romp with glasses of wine, clothes torn off, stilettos artistically discarded on the floor type sex. I mean come on! We want to be turned on, experience the same feeling that the writer is telling us theyre feeling. We know theyre just going through the motions because we do have brains and we are reminded of the immense self control Gregory Peck has to employ when the gorgeous runaway princess (Audrey Hepburn) sleepily asks him to undress her. Now that resulting pit in the stomach you feel is whats sexy. Roman Holiday is all kinds of awesome, but you will not forget these scenes. And no matter how much effort Bollywood puts into telling us this is Ishq wala love, it just seems inadequate. Whether its television shows like Bhabiji Ghar Pe Hain which is lust disguised as comedy or a film like Haseen Dillruba where Bhabhiji is everybodys business, sex and lust are okay if the women direct it to men. But show Lust Stories and sanskari men will be frothing all over social media spewing hate for a woman who showed convincingly that men were redundant. OTT platforms give us skin because its low hanging fruit for this sex-starved sanskari nation that goes, nudge, nudge, wink wink. Lets accept that we are a nation of voyeurs, stuck on another mans wife - the Bhabhiji - the forbidden fruit and we deserve the shows we get.