Can I Take A Shit At An Open House?
Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Email the Funbag. And preorder Drews next book, The Night The Lights Went Out, while youre at it. Today, were talking about NFL roster size, Crocs, hockey fights, songs you like only when drunk, and more. Seems like if its an open house, you probably cant. Ive pissed at open houses. I dont know if Ive ever taken a shit at an open house, but I wouldnt hesitate to pull the trigger. Ill shit anywhere if nature mandates it. Also, they serve free coffee at open houses. Coffee encourages your rectum to be on its worst behavior. Some things cant be helped. Kitchens and bathrooms are what move any house off the market. So again, it pays to do your own form of due diligence. What you should do before taking any real estate tour is drink a shitload of coffee, eat an entire vat of chili, drink a case of Schlitz, and then conduct a thorough stress test of the houses plumbing system once youve arrived. Then youll know if the asking price is justified or not. Worse. Im glad that the NFL is poised to keep most, if not all, of the roster/practice squad expansions they instituted for the 2020 season. But that latest tweak added just two players to the active gameday roster, with preconditions attached to it. Those were all the adjustments the NFL needed to survive a COVID-addled season where teams could have beenand WEREinfected en masse. For rosters to get any larger, it would come after the NFL contracted 10 teams in the face of a looming asteroid strike. Im like any fan where the current restrictions piss me off anytime I need my asshole team to have an extra kicker or an active fourth QB on hand. Even with 48-man rosters, teams are still forced to conduct a bit of positional triage in the ramp-up to Sunday, which has the potential to bite them in the ass if certain things go wrong. Thats all part of the strategy, and your team often blows at it. But thats their problem. The NFL still has a cap, so its not as if expanding the rosters would put it in the same territory as college football, which has an 85-man scholarship limit that allows schools like Alabama to have two Top 25 teams worth of players behind the first string. HOWEVAH, I dont want NFL teams incentivized to keep every cheap player they haveevery UDFA, every specialist, every occasionally valuable scrubon the team forever. That restricts player movement, encourages NFL Twitter to do even more armchair cap-crunching than it already does, and fucks with the leagues sacred parity. I dont want the NFL to mimic fantasy football where I troll around the waiver wire for a guy on Tuesday because I think hes been just quiet enough to remain a free agent, only it turns out division rival Charles Scrotin already snagged him. GODDAMN YOU, SCROTIN. And I dont want Bill Belichick afforded the luxury of having a spare left-hander at every position on field just so he can run a kickass fake field goal against the Jets while up 40-0. All of that is bad. I dont want any NFL team getting too comfortable with itself. We probably need one, because I got my precious CDC card copied and laminated a couple of weeks ago and NO ONE has asked me to display it since then. Im walking around with proof of immortality in my wallet, and Im DYING to whip it out at a restaurant. Or at a reception desk. Or at a Kid Rock concert. But no! No one wants to know. More than once, Ive told people Im fully vaccinated and have been for a while! without them asking. Im just that eager. This is why a hand signalcould be just me slapping my upper arm emphaticallywould come in handy right up to the moment white supremacists decide it would be fun to co-opt it for Nazi signaling. Craig:  I recall a question from a few weeks or months back about what to do about sweaty feet in slippers. I had the same dilemma, and the answer is, regrettably, Crocs. They are comfortable, you can wear them around the house or out to the trash, your feet dont really sweat much and what sweat does happen doesnt soak in and make them smell. I feel a little twinge of sadness every time I put them on, like Ive lost something I can never get back, but its worth it. I cant ride with you on this, even though Crocs are indeed back, along with many other cultural artifacts we all hoped would remain blissfully forgotten. If Crocs work for you, Im not gonna judge you one way or the other. All I know is that I cant wear them. And its not even for fashion reasons, even if Im become three percent more fashion-conscious recently. Its a matter of practicality. Crocs are shoes made of used rubber spatulas. Theyre not made to accommodate men with serious back and perspiratory issues. Ive tried wearing Crocs before. My feet got sweaty in an instant and the shoes didnt absorb my excretions whatsoever. Instead, my sweat formed an everlasting oil slick inside each Croc, and suddenly my ankles were an endangered species. For a shoe very much engineered to LOOK like its worn strictly for comfort, Crocs dont live up to the billing on my end. Also, I dont work in a restaurant kitchen, so I dont need Crocs to protect my feet from a pot of boiling pasta water accidentally falling off the stove. For day-to-day comfort, I can just wear my ugly-ass slides and be fine. I do have fond memories of my kids wearing Crocs. Theyre a fine shoe for toddlers because they have no laces. Plus your kids can adorn them with all the stupid Jibbitz they please. I think my daughter had mostly fruit Jibbitz. Adorable. My wifes preschool actually had to BAN Crocs on kids, because kids would slip out of them on the playground and hurt themselves. So you see, no one is safe from Crocs. Not physically and not aesthetically. Phil:  Ive long believed that hockey is even more retrograde than baseball, and that fighting in hockey is only accepted because the players are white. The latter. Complaining about hockey fights is a take for ancient tight-asses, right up there with I hate that people like watching the NFL draft! That Caps/Rangers shitshow a month agowhich was AWESOME, by the waywas all the Mike Wilbons of the world needed to check in on hockey for the first time in years and be like I STILL DONT APPROVE OF THIS. Fuck off already. NHL fights are governed by a set of evolving, byzantine, unwritten rules that echo all of baseballs tired codes of conduct. The difference is that NHL players ACTUALLY fight, instead of clearing out the dugouts and pretending to. Also, NHL players fight in retaliation for dirty on-ice play. As self-policing goes, hockey does a better job of it than baseball, where you get a 99 mph fastball to the dome because your home run trot was a little slow for Tony La Russas taste. Baseball feuds have been accidentally designed to perpetuate themselves into eternity, which would normally make me happy except they make an already long sport even longer. By contrast, a hockey fight lasts a few seconds, you get actual punches thrown, two guys get sent to the box, and then were back in business. Its tidy, efficient, and admirably stupid. I like it, and I dont have the energy to question it, especially when I know the exact kind of people who love to drive by and offer a broad critique of an entire sport that no one asked for. Giri did an excellent post about this happening in tennis last week. And truthfully, Ive been guilty of it in the past. Ive been the idiot American offering cure-alls to soccer, which is only the most popular sport in world history. Ive asked why the NBA doesnt call traveling more often, as if that sport needs MORE referee interference. And Ive done the whole NFL-guy-tells-baseball-whats-wrong-with-baseball thing, too. One time I was a guest host on an AM radio show here in D.C. hosted by Steve Czaban, and they had beat reporter Mark Zuckerman (not Zuckerberg) on the phone to talk about the Nats game from the night before. Now I had not watched this game, but I DID know that the benches had cleared during it for all of the usual, dumb reasons that the benches clear. That was my only in to the Nats game, and it was a shoddy one. So, unable to keep my fat mouth shut, I asked poor Zuckerman, Doesnt what happened last night prove how dopey all these unwritten rules are in the sport? Zuckerman was a professional and answered me as best he could, but I could tell my question was a waste of his time. To this day I still wish I had just left that discussion to the people who actually knew what they were talking about. Theres a difference between fresh eyes and blind ones. And thats why fighting in hockey is still the absolute shit. Hannah:  My husband and I just welcomed an adorable baby girl into the world. My husband is a Lions fan and Im a Packers fan. I dont want her to support a coach that wants to eat peoples kneecaps! All kidding aside, just let the kid pick of her own volition. I know you said she cant like both teams, but lemme tell you about kids: They dont give a good fuck about the rules of fan engagement. Theyll root for multiple teams. Theyll root for single players. Theyll root for the fucking GEICO ads if they feel like it. My oldest son started off a Lions fan (because he liked the unis), then became a WFT fan, and now only cares about soccer. And THAT is how we became a Vikings/Lions/Racism/Soccer family. When you try to force your kid down a road, its a road theyll never want to take. HALFTIME! Vern:  My whole life I have heard that every decision the NFL makes is to cater to gamblers. I never necessarily believed it, but also I dont even understand it. Every sports gambler I know is a southsider that smokes Marlboro lights, drinks Bud Lights, and talks about what the latest bar theyve been thrown out of. They dont go to games, or buy jerseys, and really barely watch any given game. Its not a myth. Youre thinking of gamblers strictly as degenerates who have been cast as extras in Trees Lounge. Youre not accounting for fantasy football players, suicide pools, DFS fans, sports book bros, and casual fans swapping friendly wagers with one another. When you factor all of those people in, suddenly the profile of gambler goes from dirtbags who are one bad beat away from an indecent exposure charge to literally everyone. Thats the beauty of gambling, Vern. Its such a rich, diverse, INCLUSIVE culture. movie scale. Patrick:  In a recent Funbag you mentioned that American Pie blows. Sober me 100% agrees with you. Drunk me, on the other hand, can get in on that chorus! I hated Smooth (obligatory: by Santana Feat. Rob Thomas) from the moment I first heard it and never stopped  UNTIL I was at a karaoke bar (not the night I got hurt; different karaoke night) and our own Samer Kalaf queued Smooth up on the machine and EVERYONE sang along. When in doubt at karaoke, always pick a song everyone knows all the lyrics to. So whenever I hear Smooth now, I think of that moment and am momentarily pleased before remembering that the song itself is a piece of shit. Ive also sung my heart out to Livin on a Prayer in a crowded Manhattan bar, because they mandate it if youre a white person over 30 who lives on the East Coast. I retain NO fondness while sober for that song, or for any of Bon Jovis dickless garbage. Ed:  Im watching the Cubs crush their old emotionless turd, Jon Lester (I like them both). They just slowed down a play at first where the runner headed to first base and you can see him smash his foot down on the bag in an attempt to be safe. Ive seen many injuries this way so my big brain thought, Why dont they make one part of first base normal height for when you gotta get to second and the other part like home plate for running through? The only thing I can think is that the height of the bag may give the runner a minuscule advantage by the foot coming down .0001 centimeters sooner than if its flat. Tell me Im smart, Drew. Tell me. Ed, youre very smart and Im sure youre a lovely person, but youre laboring under the impression that I do NOT want to watch baseball players suffer, which is untrue. I get your pitch for a curb cut into the bag, like its adjacent to a crosswalk, and Im sure Rob Manfred has already considered it because Rob Manfred wont rest until every possible gimmick has been studied with great vigor. But the bag is the bag. It has to be uniform all the way around for various reasons. It cant be a ramp. It cant be a wedge. It cant be round like a donut. It has to be a nasty little mini-edifice. One that first baseman can peaceably rest their fankles against. One that trips up absent-minded runners who dont watch their step. And one that is visible to all except for umpires and Will Craig. No need to fuck with it. Much more important is to bring back the old ball and to stop pitchers from coating it in rubber cement. Assume the ball is traveling in a normal professional setting (e.g., a 96 mph heater, a 100 mph slapshot, a 18-mph bowling ball roll, etc). Sean:  Im about to undergo triple hernia surgery and, as a 45-year-old man, this is my first time going under the knife. I ask this with the acknowledgement that hernia surgery is not like the brain surgery you underwent and the recovery process between the two isnt remotely comparable, but admittedly this is a new gig for me and Im kinda nervous about it. Dont worry Sean because I have ALSO had hernia surgery. I didnt have a triple hernia surgery. I dont even know what a triple hernia is. It must be a hernia that ends up with your intestines leaking into your scrotum, which itself leaks into a garbage disposal, which itself leaks into the Erie Canal, but I digress. The point is that your surgery sounds highly invasive. You will be given pages of pre- and post-op instructions, and theyre always worth following to the letter. Dont eat right before surgery. Dont be drunk before arriving at the hospital. Dont drive yourself home. Please dont take out your testicle stitches with a pair of pliers. Etc. Everything else youll endure is shit you will have foreseen and yet still wont be able to grasp fully until youre in the shit. Youll feel groggy and terrible for a good long while afterward. Theyll tell you that everything youre experiencing is normal but none of it will FEEL normal at all. Youll never want to get up. Once you do get up, youll overestimate your recovery speed and eat an entire burrito, which youll quickly regret. Basic, trusted positions will be uncomfortable. You wont want food anywhere near as much after surgery as youll want food before it. Youll be hideously thirsty every second youre in the hospital. Finally, youll be prescribed opioids and be both enticed by and terrified of them. Opioids have never worked on me for pain, which makes me lucky only in the most ghoulish sense of the word. Stepping down to OTC pain meds is always a nice marker in the surgical recuperation process for me. And let everyone baby you. It feels good. Ian:  I just realized that most of the logos/uniforms/branding of most NYC teams is boring as shit. Boring AF. Same. Yankees, Knicks, Nets, Rangers absolutely none of these are cool looking on the field. And most of these teams are stodgy as hell to boot. The Yankees make you shave your face. The Giants do the whole Mr. Mara thing. The Nets try to have fun, but as long as they have those two main Brooklyn uniforms, theyve boring too. Not one of those teams really gets me hyped. OK but the Nets have commemorative Basquiat alternate unis that SHOULD be cool but look like the opening credits of a Disney Jr. show. And they play on a gray court that makes everyone think their TV is broken. My whole life, teams have caromed between Lets look as boring as possible because thats PURE CLASS and Lets wear the most garish shit we possibly can to get some of the teens to like us. At one end of the spectrum you have grown men jacking off to Penn States generic football unis, and at the other end you have this:  Love seeing those and the Raptors wore their throwbacks earlier this season also. These were also fire pic.twitter.com/WdCFKE59M0  Shaun Moore (@ShaunMoore_) November 30, 2019  One of the iron laws of Twitter is that anything described, earnestly, as fire will be fucking terrible. Take that shit to the TikTok romper room. There are also people who pine for the Raptors original uniforms, which look like they were designed by a kindergartener who hasnt had his Ritalin yet. Its enough to make me yearn for the simplicity of the Red Sox uniforms  but not quite enough. The Sox uniforms are wearable depression. There is a sweet spot where minimalism and modernism can live together on a teams uniform. Franchises pay design firms millions to aid in the task of finding it, and then the owner goes ahead and picks the ugliest choice hes presented. The best uniforms are ones that have been around a while but still dare to have some actual color in them. Most of those uniforms/logos can be found in college sports: UCLA, Florida, The U, Texas, etc. In pro sports, teams pick either no color at all, or they pick the color of a Teletubby. No in-between. Only the Chargers figured out how to make their shit eternally awesome. Adam:  While Deadspin was down and before Defector started, I started going to Roths Twitter to find his articles. I dont have Twitter; I would go to Twitter.com/david_j_roth and just read his tweets. The habit has stuck. I still dont have Twitter and I check his page every day. I dont do this for anyone else, though I do enjoy using him as a curator or tweet sommelier, and sometimes click on his retweets and see where that takes me. Im sorry, I dont know what is wrong with me. Whats wrong with you, Adam, is that you are normal. Terribly frightening. I used to always turn my nose up at lurkers, who peruse the internet wasteland but never actually engage with it. I no longer look down on such practices. Adam is at the exact right amount of remove from all of our horseshit, and Roth is about as fine a tour guide as you can encounter. So long as you can tolerate all of the gross gas. Once I was in OHare walking past the Chilis, Too in the early 2000s when I looked over and saw Anthony Mason holding court with about 10 other dudes. I saw Mike Tice in Central Park and tapped him on the shoulder as he passed by to say HI COACH. He should have knocked me unconscious for that. Email of the week! Brandon: