How Do I Share Space With Someone I Hate?
Photo : Prostock-studio ( Shutterstock )  Not all advice need be professional. Sometimes your problems merit a bit of unvarnished honesty from a dude equipped with nothing more than a computer and a conscience. Luckily for you, Im that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. (If youd like to seek my advice, email me at sblum@lifehacker.com)    Advertisement  Today were discussing how to negotiate a reunion with a family member youd rather avoid at all costs. Note: Im a columnist, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be interpreted with that in mind. If you have a problem with anything I say, file a complaint here. Now, let us begin. Hi Sam, For the last seven years, I have been happily estranged from my brother. I was the executor of our parents estate, and he cut off contact with me over a decision I made. I have been so happy not to have to deal with him any more. For years I worked hard to maintain a relationship with him out of respect for my mother despite my brother being a rageaholic narcissist. His hair-trigger temper had everyone walking on eggshells. His MO was to play my sister and me against each otheralthough we both had his number and would make jokes to each other about how she was saddled with him and vice versa when he would cut off contact with one of us and try to ingratiate himself with the other. My last encounter with him was when he was screaming at me that I am a liberal and to never to talk to him again. Because he has many weapons, I slowly closed the door on him and havent spoken to him since. My lawyer managed all contact with him to settle the estate, and Ive been so relieved not to have to deal with him. I dont like him. I dont enjoy his company and see no reason to try to repair this relationship. I don t wish him ill, but I really dont want anything to do with him. However, my older son has maintained a relationship with him, which is finehes an adult and he makes his own choices. However that son is getting married and will undoubtedly invite my brother to his destination wedding. The thought of having to spend a week around my asshole brother sets my teeth on edge. I wont tell my son and his fiance what to do, but I desperately want to enjoy this weeklong celebration. Having my idiot brother there will assuredly cast a pall over the party. He wasnt invited to my other sons wedding because he was a tremendous jerk to his nephew, who also wants nothing to do with him. But my brother doesnt have the capacity to learn or understand or apologize. Despite being in occupationally provided therapy for decades (he is a first responder), he weaponizes therapeutic insights and terms to absolve himself of any responsibility for his abhorrent behavior. It makes no sense to engage him on any level as far as Im concerned. But destination weddings throw everyone together for a few days of intense interaction. I dont see how I can avoid him. My brother has no self-control and I can imagine all sorts of scenarios where he tries to engage me, bait me and otherwise initiate interaction of some kind. He could truly disrupt the weddingas he did our mothers funeral when he sulked and stalked off in a huff over some minor comment a cousin made to him. He has also spoiled several holidays by throwing wild accusations at my sister and stalking out in a fury. Done With Him  Dear Done With Him,  I can certainly understand why youre done with him, as your alias makes clear. This dude sounds like pure chaos; someone whos perpetually aggrieved, but has never truly reckoned with his own inner-torment (even if he has gone to therapy). Instead, he hurls his anguish onto other people in the form of psychological abuse. The good news (sort of) is, youre dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity of a child. It also sounds like youll have the refuge of a family that largely feels the same way you do . Presuming everyone in your family is as rational and clear-eyed as you are , its safe to presume that nobody is going to defend the raving narcissist looking to spoil a joyous event. It sounds like your brother thrives on chaos, which is one of the hallmarks of a narcissist, as you perceptively put it. Hell find few, if any, allies on this trip, I imagine. Youve mentioned his history of sulking and storming off when his tactics fail him at family events. G/O Media may get a commission Turbo Booster Vitamin B5 Powder Buy for $29 at Philosophy Use the promo code SKINCARE  Nobody wants a dramatic bust-up to happen at a destination wedding, especially when everyone is presumably hanging out on the same turf for a number of days. Hell be gone, after all. Moreover, I wouldnt advise you to stay elsewhere, unless youd otherwise be sharing a house with your brother for that week. As long as your safety isnt jeopardized, dont let him have the upper hand in any conceivable sense. This is your sons wedding, and from what it sounds like, your brother is sort of the guest of dishonor. He got a sympathy invite. He probably feels hurt and insecure that your other son didnt invite him to his wedding. Let him feel hurt and insecure; his loathsome reputation is nobodys fault but his own. Advertisement  One technique thats good to keep in your back pocket is called gray rockingits when you act as passively and uninterestingly as possible to avoid feeding a narcissists desire for conflict. It calls for short, one-word answers and the aversion of eye-contact. Itll probably drive him crazy, but, as you know, hell be in a position where acting up will just dampen the mood for everyone, which means nobody will stand for his reckless outbursts. In your general interactions with himif you absolutely have to communicatejust kill him with kindness, even if he tries to provoke you. Responding to provocation with neutrality can be really vexing, even confounding, to the aggressor. If it comes down to it and you need the help of people in your close family orbit, Im sure one of your sons would be willing to intervene. In the meantime, dont trouble yourself thinking about him too much. He doesnt sound worth it. Advertisement  Thats it for this week, but theres plenty more Tough Love to go around. If youd like to be featured, please get in touch by describing your dilemmas in an email to me (please include ADVICE or TOUGH LOVE in the subject line). Or, tweet at me with the hashtag #ToughLove. Serious inquiries only: Dont email or message me if you dont want to be featured in the column. Disclaimer: I cant respond to everyone, so please make sure you outline a specific problem in your note. I wont respond to generalizations, like someone being mean or vague descriptions of relationship problems without any concrete examples of whats ailing you. Until next time, take care of yourselves!