Could a 'grief retreat' help me get over the loss of a loved-one?
In the opening session, Fiona stressed that: There is no hierarchy to grief. Everybodys grief is relevant. She warned that, by sharing our stories, we would be activating and triggering each other to come to deeper layers of our grief. That was certainly true. Yet as each of us bravely listened to each others harrowing stories of death, destruction, loss, betrayal, obliterated hope and abuse, a tender respect emerged between us. The loss of a career dream was treated with as much consideration as a husband who had drowned. Nici Harrison, whose mother died by suicide after lengthy depression, described her way of approaching sorrow as grief tending. Society, she said, has a tendency to want to try and fix grief, to make it better. But grief cannot be made better. It needs to be seen, acknowledged and witnessed, which is why grief group work is so important. The antithesis of a stiff upper lip approach, Fiona and Nici are adamant that burying ones grief is detrimental to wellbeing. If we do not grieve, it can get stuck in our bodies as disease. Grief is healthy if it is moving. Its like a river and it needs to flow but with strong boundaries. Problems arise when it becomes frozen and we become numb.  The daily rhythm of the retreat was a mix of group sharing, where we were encouraged to speak from the heart not the head. I found myself spilling personal losses and secrets that I wasnt aware were weighing on me. We also did breathing exercises and yoga to help dislodge the stress in our bodies. The mind will not heal without the body, cautioned Fiona. Coherent breathing, a technique where you breath in for six and out for six for 10 or 20 minutes, helps restore the nervous system, while trauma release exercises, a form of autonomic body shaking to discharge adrenalin and cortisol, were subtly powerful. According to Julia Samuel, psychotherapist and author of Grief Works, 15 per cent of all psychological difficulties come from unresolved grief. During our retreat, we journaled, rested, shared in a group and spent time alone including having one day of silence. After the overwhelm of this year, this was a godsend. The most empowering message that Fiona and Nici imparted was that deep within grief is the potential to feel more connected to life. In my bleakest moments of bereavement and missing mum, I had felt half-dead but I now see how healthy grief could be transformative. The hearts capacity to love and hold sorrow simultaneously is uplifting. By rejecting your grief, you are narrowing the bandwidth of your existence, warned Fiona. The more we can release tears, the more the joy comes. Both highly intuitive, Fiona and Nici created a space where we felt safe enough to let go. By the end, I felt more resilient to loss. My constant fear of my father dying and re-triggering my extreme grief over my mothers death now feels manageable. This retreat is expensive at 1800 but this is five star grief rehab. It felt like a decade of therapy in five days, but the alchemical shift was tangible. As Oscar Wilde said: Where there is sorrow, there is Holy ground. Grief tending connected me to the deepest part of myself. We need to find more ways to express grief in our society as only then can we accommodate heartbreak and loss so that our trauma does not define us. The next grief space at Arrigo is 14-17th October. For more details visit www.thearrigoprogramme.com  The Grief Space: Nici Harrisons 10 tips for experiencing grief