How Fresh Are Men Really?
Hold onto your cancel culture gentlemen, were under fire again. Wait. Well. Gentle people with penises, please go directly to your social media feeds, mash your caps lock into attack mode, and shout to the interwebs because political coercion and wokeness are running rampant in Cowtown. The godless decision-makers at Texas UnChristian University have deemed the freshmen title not gender-neutral enough, so theyre removing it in favor of the touchy-feely first-year student identification. Though we do commit more crimes, on average three times as many as women and nearly 90% of the murders, that isnt the point. Women received the right to vote more than 100 years ago, from benevolent all-male federal legislators no less, and now members of the fairer sex are pillaging for more. Apparently, traditional academic titles are too masculine and gender-specific. This is obviously a calculated assault against the almost 41% who identified as male of last years TCU newcomers, in addition to all men everywhere. Disgusting. The troubling progressivism of our hometown institution was brought to my attention by the enemy, a former SMU letterman  an alumni athletic designation TCU had already dropped in favor of the Block T Association  who obviously felt that rainbows and tolerance were being shoved down his throat and the days of enjoying life as a heteronormative Boomer were numbered. His fears were echoed by numerous commenters responding to reports of the change. I, for one, am elated that so many bearded men with truck selfies took the time to impart their worst fears for this countrys future. Forget voting rights, or gun violence, or an impending economic collapse. Removal of a gendered student designation from a primarily female institution is very clearly the first sign of the apocalypse. Though no one on TCUs board would know it because they havent read the Book of Revelations. Its in there. Trust me. We could just accept this change of students being called students and identifying which credit year theyve achieved (a common practice for those working toward graduate, law, or medical degrees), but that wouldnt be right. Men everywhere should be irate. Were under siege, and were offended. I mean, were not offended. Only liberal snowflakes who want things like safety and health care are offended these days. Were angry. Angry! If you arent pissed off yet, just look at the statistics. The gender wage gap is shrinking. In 1980, women hauled in 64 cents for every dollar a man made among all workers. Now, women are making it rain with our tears with 84 cents for every dollar we bros generate. You might read that as women making more, but thats only if youre a Democrat. Its actually men making less. Businesses wont know who to underpay. Chaos will ensue. We wont know who should raise the children at home and who should be able to get drunk and go golfing or hunting all weekend. This anarchy will result in feral gangs of children roaming the streets while everyone is golfing and hunting without knowing which bathroom to use. Probably by morphing our well-appointed lawns into vegetable allotments that theyll barter instead of selling, resulting in the collapse of the U.S. dollar. Some of these children might even get to eat for free. The real issue here is not a title but oppression and tyranny. Removing gendered terms is starting to oppress men, especially white men, who rightfully perceive any tangible decrease in dominance as sacrilege. Oppression is a constant in our society, so any attempt to lessen the amount in circulation is futile. So if one group is rising, another must be falling, which is something I learned as a freshman in college. We also learned about extinction, which seems like a cautionary tale in retrospect and is what well experience unless we utilize the full power of ALL CAPS incredulous social media commentary before its too late. This editorial reflects the opinions of the author and not necessarily the Fort Worth Weekly. The Weekly welcomes all manner of political submissions. They will be edited for clarity and factuality. Please email Editor Anthony Mariani at anthony@fwweekly.com.