Why Is Everyone So Thirsty for Christopher Meloni?
Image : Getty ( Getty Images )  Christopher Meloni is spread-eagle in a new Interview photoshoot. Currently, I can barely type, not with all the sweat dripping off my body and onto this keyboard. This man stirs something in me... in us all. Advertisement  The answer is actually quite simple. He radiates the sort of energy one might imagine their best friends dad would have in a movie where the two fell in love, in a universe or society where that wasnt patently creepy. Hes both unkempt and tailored, a sort of disheveled gym rat, if you will. The sort of man Gwen Stefani meant when she sang: Dont speak, I know just what youre saying, so please stop explaining. Also, most obviously, he is an actor on arguably the most watched television show in American history, whose character still spurs thousands of pages of fanfiction, hours of fan videos, and countlessand I literally mean countlesstweets from new and old viewers alike. As Jezebel writer Tracy Clark-Flory once explained: Hes this tortured former Marine with explosive anger issues. A wounded tough guy fighting the good fight.  Anyway, when I said that Christopher Meloni was spread-eagle in his Interview photoshoot, I meant it. Hes cracked those legs wide open for the camera, among other things, which include: eating pizza and lifting weights, drinking beer, flexing, doing yoga, showing off his happy trail in a teeny tiny little crop top, and gazing broodingly into the polaroid camera of photographer Clifton Mooney. Whew! Im glad I cant include the photos here. I dont think my heart could take it. So listen, the man obviously used his words also, as it was an interview. Its dangerous to ask him what goes on inside that brain, though, unless one gets an answer like this: I dont want to get too heavy, but my relationship with cops is great, and theres no higher compliment than when a cop comes up to me and gives me props. Shhhhhhhhh, Meloni. Let me gingerly place this finger over your lips. Thats like asking me to try to stop the northbound train by lying down on the track. Thats a third-rail question.    Advertisement  On being a quarterback in high school:  It was awesome being one. Youre basically number one on the call sheet. The younger kids were in awe of you, but Im not designed to buy into the hype. I just wanted to win, which we did. The fact that we were undefeated was the true goal.  Advertisement  On Cameo:  I cant do it for monetary gain. Maybe I should see a shrink about that. But I am trying to convince myself to do it for a charity. I dont know if thats my Catholic guilt, but Im caught between procrastination and doing it for charity. Maybe once the season shuts down and I have a bit more time, Ill be more amenable to it.  Advertisement  He also said the microwave is the most important tool in his house, which I will take at face value, and investigate no further. I dont know how much more clear I can make this! I dont want to listen to him speak, I just want to look at him.