Why do we care what other people think and when is it a problem?
Yes, you can care too much what other people think. Carrie Bradshaw could perhaps be the personification of when caring what other people think of you becomes well too much. Quintessential example - Season 3, episode 17: What Goes Around Comes Around. This is the ep where Carrie sees Natasha (Bigs now ex-wife) for the first time since Natasha caught Carrie in her and Bigs apartment (just after Carrie had just slept with him). After Natasha notices the woman who her husband cheated on her with, she promptly turns and leaves (and rightly so). For the next forty something minutes we hear Carries constant worry about what Natasha thinks of her, questioning why she ignored her and watch her (cringing from our couches), as she tracks Natasha down at a lunch to try and talk to her about their issues. Sign up to our bodyandsoul.com.au newsletter to read more stories like this. While most people who care what other people think arent at the Carrie extreme, many of us who still do it to some degree. Body + Soul spoke with clinical psychologist, Dr Aileen Alegado from Mindset Consulting to find out why. One of the core human needs is connection. We have an inherent desire to be loved and belong to a tribe which goes back to a primal survival instinct of safety. And in order for that to happen, one must at some level care about how others perceive them in order to achieve that goal, feel validated and accepted, she says. While it is a desire often driven from a positive need, it can also be motivated by something more negative. Dr Alegado says this is through the negative experience with being rejected or being isolated which also serves as a motivator as to why caring what people think acts as a protective mechanism (cough, Carrie). Dr Alegado says there are three main reasons for this. 1. Our level of insecurity in ourselves means that our assessment of threat/ danger is different  The more often you have been rejected or had negative experiences then the more likely you are to be more preoccupied with being liked, seeking validation externally and might have negative beliefs about yourself and others.  2. Upbringing (yep, permission to blame your parents)  If you had strong role models that instilled messages of self-confidence, versus models that worried about what people think, then you're most likely to have taken some of those traits along with you.  3. Anxiety/ Depression  People who tend to suffer from anxiety and depression are more likely to 'overthink' and suffer from worries about what people think, she explains. So, when does it become a problem (i.e. Caring too much about what people think can be debilitating and can significantly reduce quality of life, Dr Alegado says. These include health issues both psychological and physical.  But before you start tracking down people at lunch, the good news is you can do something to get on top of it Carrie (I mean over-carers). Dr Alegado shares her top 5 tips:  1. Establish an inner circle of trust  Caring about what people think can be bespoke. For example, some people you need to care more because their thoughts and feelings should be important to you. Dont give that power to just anyone as it can deprive you of living life authentically and happily.  2. Create a new mindset  Keep things in perspective, it is said that people would care a lot less about what others think of them, if they knew how little others think of them." "Everyone has enough to occupy our minds and they also have their own insecurities. If you're worried about how you come across to someone, bear in mind that they are probably doing the same. Also having a growth mindset means that we will not always be liked but that we can learn a lot from that.  3. Cultivate authenticity  Think about the energy and time that it takes to be someone you're not. That often is the cost of caring too much about what others think. Living an authentic life means that you are accepted for who you are and the validation that comes from that is better than if we have got acceptance because we interfered with that process." As Brene Brown writes, "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." 4. Find a role model  People are more likely to let go of fears of rejection and being liked all the time if they can see that is the case. Knowing someone who is assertive, speaks their mind and cares less (and that person still having positive relationships, and being well liked and respected) goes a long way.  And finally  5. Focus on what is important  Think about your values, goals and dreams. If we focus on these things, life becomes more meaningful, and the 'natural measure' of whose opinions and feelings we care about falls into place. And those that dont hopefully start to fade away.  Shona Hendley is a freelance writer and ex-secondary school teacher. You can follow her on Instagram at @shonamarion. Dr. Aileen Alegado is the Director and primary clinician at Mindset Consulting.