How can I convince my aging parents they need help around the house?
My parents are in their 80s and live in a one-story condominium. My dad is OK. I am concerned about my mother who has ankle problems and is unstable on her feet. Her balance is poor and she moves at a slow pace using a cane for assistance. I feel she can fall with the least provocation. Given this, my parents have housekeeping help only once every two weeks. Money is not an issue. Note: Mentally, they both are sharp as a tack! Many thanks. A.L. Dear A. L.  You have described an important problem and you certainly are not alone. A study by Penn State University found that 77 percent of adult children believe their parents are stubborn in taking their advice and that includes advice about getting help with daily tasks. As aging parents face challenges, so do adult children who worry and wait for an accident to occur that possibly could be prevented. Our society values self-determination as each of us can decide how to live our lives as long as we are not harming anyone. The reality is that even with good intentions, we have limited power and influence over an older adult who refuses to get additional help. And yet, it is worth giving it a try. Here are some approaches. Try to understand reasons for refusal. Most older adults want to keep control over their lives and fear the possible eroding of independence. In a Forbes article, Carolyn Rosenblatt suggests that using logic to combat this fear is useless unless there is a crisis. Rather, Rosenblatt suggests asking parents not to burden you whenever possible. In other words, do it for your children. Here is another approach that I recently used in a situation similar to what youve described that appealed to logic and fear. The daughter of an 84-year-old friend wanted me to help her mother agree to get more help for household tasks in her home. When my friend made a welcomed and unexpected visit to my home, I witnessed her frailty as she moved slowly with hesitation. I asked how things were going. My friend replied that she is having some mobility and balance problems but was okay. I asked if she had any help. She replied, Once a month. That was my opportunity to make some suggestions in a caring yet strong way. My first response was, My dear friend, that is not enough. Here are a few facts that I shared with her. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) more than one out of four older people falls each year and less than half tell their doctor. Among older adults, about 95 percent of hip fractures are caused by falls. Women experience about three-quarters of them. Nearly 25 percent of hip-fracture patients will die within one year of the fracture; 50 percent will have a major decline in their independence. Theres more bad news. Adults age 75 and older have the highest rate of traumatic brain injury-related hospitalizations and deaths. Over half are caused by falls. And falling once doubles your risk of falling again. I then reviewed some basics of housekeeping that require mobility and balance such as doing the laundry, changing sheets, cleaning floors, vacuuming and more. I ended our conversation with the fact that at our age, the consequences of falling are serious. Fortunately, my friend heard me and is planning for more help. I share this with you to emphasize the importance of a third party as a potential influencer. This is similar to a work setting where an employee makes a suggestion to the boss who does not acknowledge the value of the suggestion. That is, until an outside paid consultant is hired to deliver the same message. The conversation we did not have was the importance to make her condominium age-friendly such as installing grab bars, removing throw rugs and clutter, proper lighting and more. We also did not discuss the many reasons an older person can fall including medications, lack of sleep, poor footwear and vision problems. A.L. Thank you for your important questions. If all else fails, know that you did everything you could do to support the safety of your mother. She is lucky to have you as a caring and concerned daughter. Stay safe and be well. Helen Dennis is a nationally recognized leader on issues of aging, employment and the new retirement with academic, corporate and nonprofit experience. Contact Helen with your questions and comments at Helendenn@gmail.com. Visit Helen at HelenMdennis.com and follow her on facebook.com/SuccessfulagingCommunity