Have online apps changed dating and relationships for better or worse?
CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, Elisabeth Shaw shares her perspective on dating apps. Seen as our modern-day matchmaker, online dating apps are here to stay. This is the clever algorithm that is going to know what you need, and how to get it, better than you could possibly engineer for yourself. Niche requests are catered for  no preference, circumstance, fetish or arrangement too complex to be attended to. Finding someone just like me can be a relief, validating and normalising in a world which can also be harsh in its judgements, and where individuals can feel very lonely and disconnected. In many ways they offer a sense of control. Sign up to our bodyandsoul.com.au newsletter for more stories like this. No more staying at home on a Saturday night if you dont want to, waiting for friends to pass on single contacts or endless bar hopping in the hope that someone new turns up. You can explore the market for as long as you want, agree to meet or not and on what terms, and say no to anything that doesnt suit. And while divorce rates remain quite high, it can still be the case for many that when they become single again, all their friends are coupled up. Meeting someone new can be hard to do if everyone around you is in a relationship, and you might not want to start something you could regret close to home, such as in your workplace. Beating the system  For all the genuine people out there looking, there are going to be those seeking to take advantage of someone lonely and vulnerable. That doesnt make you a sitting duck, it just means you need to skill up to manage the task at hand. Lies and deception  When asked to talk about yourself, it can be tempting to only list your positives, or the things you think others want to hear, and to finish your profile with your sharpest decade-old photo. Of course, there are people being outright deceptive, but far more are just trying to polish themselves up. Moving too slow, moving too fast  There are those who connect and chat long into the night sharing personal confidences, but when they finally meet, reality sets in. There can be a mismatch between those early feelings, and how the relationship feels face-to-face. On the flip side, some meet before almost any communication, and then theres so much riding on that first exchange. If either of you are having an off night and have squeezed in a quick meet-up, you can end up dismissing the potential for a good connection by relying on first impressions with nothing to ground the meeting. Too picky, not picky enough  If youre nervous about online dating, you might spend lots of time searching but never progressing, perhaps looking for reassurance by waiting for the perfect match. Alternatively, you might set up a different date every night and assume that volume gets the job done. This could lead you to over-rely on initial physical attraction to make you want to pursue more, when attraction on all levels takes more than a first date to grow. Knowing you have another five people to choose from that week can mean you dont bother to connect, and you could miss an opportunity in the process. Dating desperation  If its taking a while to find someone you like, or you often see people youre keen on but who still want to play the field, it can be easy to fall into the please pick me mindset, making you become more accommodating and less confident over time. You might also be dating before you are ready to open your heart to someone new. If you have just been through a break-up, signing up for revenge or as an antidote to misery may make you feel slightly better short term, but could ultimately make you feel worse, and those you date feel very let down. There is nothing attractive about going on a date to hear the ugly stories, or stories of longing and sadness experienced by someone who hasnt got over their ex. Working to the norm  Although online dating seems to provide a smorgasbord of possibilities, it is extraordinary how many people say they want romantic dinners, walks on the beach, and a good sense of humour. You see dating profiles that sound like Bachelor scenarios, rather than a description of a real life. There are also many that cement sex role stereotypes, with photos of men in suits or holding footballs or large freshly caught fish, and women conveying their nurturing side, looking forward to being looked after. It is hard to know if this is what is wanted, or what each still believe they have to do to be wanted. What to do to keep the positive to negative ratio in your favour  Be ready to date  This is not a prop to your self-esteem, and it isnt fair to others to recklessly head out into the dating world if you are not genuine. Start with fleshing out some great friendships and strong interests of your own. This will be a great buffer and support if it takes a while to meet someone. Be mindful of what you bring, not just what you want  There is nothing like a dating app to encourage the fantasy figure and the long checklist of preferences. If we met someone in real life first, wed probably be more forgiving of all sorts of things. Be open to new experiences. Be honest  Too many people try and shave off pesky details like how old they really are, their not-quite-finalised divorce and their lapsed gym membership, preferring the sound of being youthful, available and energetic. Of course, you want to put your best foot forward, and a profile is not the place for every single detail. However, being authentic is important as you will soon be found out anyway. Try before you buy but not too much  It is worth connecting by phone and video before you meet to check out initial impressions, and at the very least recognise each other when you catch up. This can often decrease the likelihood of no-shows, as you have forged a connection, and allows you to introduce yourselves and see if you have any connection worth pursuing. Staying online for too long, especially without visuals, can lead to the relationship becoming advanced in a way that can feel clunky and out of step when you meet. You might have shared your deepest darkest secrets, only to meet and realise you have been confiding in a stranger with whom you have little chemistry. While this disconnect can be bridged, it can feel off-putting unless you hang in and work it out. Expect burn-out  You can go through periods of feeling let down and less confident as you embark on online dating. This is where friends who both support you and cheer you on are invaluable. It is not uncommon for people to step back for a while before relaunching with their energy restored on another site and a new approach. This is a skill set to be mastered like anything else. Online dating may not be for everyone but it can be a good way to get to know yourself, to get ready to date, and to meet new people who might become good friends. You might get hurt, but that can happen regardless of the method of meeting. Protect yourself with self-confidence and savvy navigation of meet ups. Trust your instincts and if you feel like youre being interviewed for a job, remove yourself and go on your way. Online dating is here to stay and we are learning all the time from the successes and the failures. New sites are appearing with promises of cures for all the past problems. Move with them and see what is on offer that suits you. However, remember that the main game is leading a fulfilling life. Be sure not to neglect other parts of it with a single-minded quest. Elisabeth Shaw is CEO of Relationships Australia NSW and a clinical and counselling psychologist specialising in couple and family work.