Could Mr. or Ms. Wonderful Actually be a Narcissist?
You are a caring, compassionate, kind-hearted person. You may work as a healer, teacher, nurse, caregiver, or another helping profession. All your life, youve longed for a loving relationship but havent found it, yet. You may have been raised in a dysfunctional family. Maybe when one or both of your parents reprimanded you, they might have said something like, I am only doing this (spankings, removing privileges, or withholding love  silent treatment) because I love you. As a result, as a young child, the love/abuse signals got cross-wired in your brain. Youve just found someone who sweeps you off your feet. Maybe you met online or maybe s/hes someone you met in your daily travels. They might be a neighbor; someone you know and trust. They are charismatic, sexually attractive, and love excitement. They are thrilling to be with, and best of all are 100% into you! You click immediately. They say they have the same interests as you. They agree with you on many different things. Just like you, they have either had a tough childhood or a string of bad relationships. In hearing that, you open your heart wide and take them in. You enjoy the attention  the constant texts, calls, and video chats. Before you know it, you are together every day. When they are away from you, they want to know where you are, and what youre doing at all times. But they may not be as forthcoming. You dont think anything of it. You are happy to have finally found someone who is into you. Its refreshing. And you enjoy the constant attention. At least in the beginning. Before long you may begin to feel this behavior is a bit stifling and a little controlling. When you mention that you need some space, or try to keep your whereabouts private, they criticize you with phrases like, You dont love me as much I love you. Or, Oh I see, thats how its going to be. Then they pout. Or, they may go silent. Maybe they withdraw completely for weeks. You are left confused. You may reach out desperately trying to figure out what happened. They dont respond. When they reappear, they say they needed to get their head clear to be with you, the one they love with all their heart. You try to make it better by giving in to their needs, wants, and desires. You make excuses for their behaviors  if they are angry, withdrawn, or give you the silent treatment you tell yourself, Theyre having a bad day, or Theyre adjusting to this deep soulful relationship we have, or Their job/ex/child/family (whoever/whatever) is hard on them, and I just need to be better, and easier to be with, and love them unconditionally.  As time goes by you may notice gaps in their stories. Something doesnt sit right. Your gut tells you something is off. When you question them, they give you an answer that seems valid enough, even though your intuition continues to nag you. These may be behaviors of a narcissist. Yes, there are! And, they operate entirely different. If you have ever experienced an overt narcissist, you may think you know the Red Flags of narcissists. Not so quick! Knowing the behaviors of one type does not mean you will notice the red flags of the other. The overt narcissist  comes on strong, is charismatic, is a great lover, needs to be with you 100% of the time. When their mask comes off, they show their controlling, manipulative, argumentative, and abusive side. The covert narcissist is the nice guy/girl that everyone loves. They tell great stories and make everyone laugh. However, behind that bubbly, nice-person exterior, they are deceptive, calculating, and cunning. They study their target and pounce when it is least expected. They may steal from you, and may even plan to kill you  all while smiling and appearing to be in love with you. Both types of narcissists may abuse physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and/or financially. What to Do If You Have or Are Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse:  1) Know you are not to blame for their bad behaviors. Nothing you did or did not do is the reason for their behaviors. Read that again. 2) Know that they stole your innocence. You believe in the goodness of all people. And they took advantage of that. Its not your fault. 3) You are a good person who was targeted by a person with narcissistic tendencies (whether or not diagnosed). You did not attract this, you were targeted. 4) You believed in their potential. You saw the light of their soul, not their flawed personality. Its not your fault. 5) Know that no matter what your experience and talents are  you might be a psychologist, you cannot fix them. 6) They will never return to being the nice guy/girl they were at the beginning of the relationship. Its not your fault. 7) You deserve to be treated better. 8) You deserve love. Start with you. Self-love is the key to experiencing loving relationships with others. 9) Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Find help. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or visit their website: www.thehotline.org