Why do we judge ourselves so much more harshly than everyone else?
(Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)  Your skin looks gross.  Your body is disgusting.  You sound like an idiot.  Your career is going nowhere.  So many of us say things like this  and worse  about ourselves on a daily basis. We talk about our appearances and our personalities so cruelly and flippantly, in ways we wouldnt dream of talking to anyone else. In fact, were we to talk to a loved one like that, wed probably be accused of abuse. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott tells us there could be a variety of reasons why we can judge ourselves so harshly. Most commonly, he says, its because we have had some harsh life experiences that have been internalised as a bad aspect of self. Its called egocentric functioning and is usually associated with children, but can apply to any situation in which we feel unable to manage. A child sees good things in the world or bad things as being an aspect of themselves, they dont fully make the distinction between self and other. So, for example, if mum is upset, a child becomes upset and will imagine its because of them. This also applies to adults who are functioning from immature aspects of self. An example would be when we are mugged. We most often will blame ourselves, and it takes a little bit of time to reject that reasoning and apply a more adult understanding that we were just unlucky.  Noel goes on to explain that this is also linked to the fact that were pre-disposed to try to spot threats that could cause us harm. He says: An aspect of our mental functioning is what we call our threat mechanism. We are pre-programmed to try to spot threats that might harm us. This puts us on alert and means we may have an internal dialogue designed to keep us wary.  Dr Daria says: Engaging in self-judgment may have a detrimental impact on mental health (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)  Dr Daria J. Kuss, associate professor in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, tells us research has indicated that women are especially prone to judging themselves harshly. She says: Harsh self-judgment is associated with negative feelings, including those of anxiety, depression, and anger. Engaging in self-judgement may therefore have a detrimental impact on mental health and wellbeing.  Its perhaps unsurprising that low self-esteem also has a part to play when it comes to harsh self-judgement. Noel says: For some people, they may have developed a sense of low self-esteem from negative life experiences and carry more of a sense of failure and inappropriate responsibility for other people. This is often the case in addiction, for example. The non-addict in the relationship can come to feel they are a failure for not being able to stop their loved one using.  Avoiding harsh self-judgement is not just about being kind to yourself  its also about making sure your mental health is in good shape. Dr Daria recommends listening a little closer to the things we say to ourselves. A good pointer is to think about how we would talk to our family and friends, and the extent, if any, of self-judgement we use when interacting with them, she says. Noel says CBT and mindfulness can help us understand that thoughts and feelings are not facts and be curious about our thoughts without going as far as believing or disbelieving them. He adds: Another major help is using affirmations  replacing negative thoughts with more positive ones. If you are in a particularly bad place maybe, ask friends to suggest some for you or simply search for positive affirmations. They are your thoughts, so you have a choice about which ones to repeat inside your head. Speaking affirmations to yourself in a mirror is a particularly powerful approach.  There are also actions you can take outside of your own head that can help boost your self-esteem. Improve your esteem by taking estimable actions  actions which you personally find frightening but are the right thing for you, Noel recommends. You can contact mental health charity Mind on 0300 123 3393 or text them on 86463. Mind can also be reached by email at info@mind.org.uk. MORE : Strippers who used drink and drugs to cope with stress want to encourage men to talk about mental health