How Do I Strengthen My Relationship With My Adult Children?
This is the Parental Advisory advice column, where we tackle your most pressing parenting dilemmas, one tantrum at a time. Email your kid-rearing questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with Parental Advisory in the subject line. Advertisement  When our kids are young, it can feel as though theyll stay young forever. But the end goal is to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted young adults who go off to live their own lives, often leaving their parents behind wondering, So, now what? While theyre still living under our roof, spending time together hopefully comes easily and naturally. Navigating this transition can be especially hard if you didnt have a solid model for what a healthy parent-and-adult-child relationship looks like with your own parents. One dad writes in to Parental Advisory:  My son graduated from college in May of 2020 and lives with his mom (my ex-wife) across town from me (it is a small town). He doesnt stay with mehe used to stay with me every weekend, but it would seem odd to me to have a visitation schedule for an adult like one that exists for a child. So my first question is: How do I maintain a positive adult father/son relationship with him without it becoming a my son is my friend (no) or Uncle Dad relationship. Also, FWIW, my father died when I was young and my relationship with my mother has always been lousy, so I dont really have anything to model it on. Advertisement  For a second question: My other son is a freshman at college in another state. We were close when he lived at home because we spent time together and were able to communicate while we did. Neither of us are immediately communicative on the phoneit takes some time to warm up the conversation and doing things together used to be that warm-up time (plus, you can discuss a lot of stuff sitting in a car not looking at each other). I want to start by saying I think its wonderful that youre being so thoughtful about how to transition your relationship with your kids from one of a parent/child relationship to a one of an adult/adult relationship. The dynamics have certainly changed, as is inevitable with all of us who are parents; youre not raising them anymore, but you still want to be a good dad to them, and thats half the battle. Because my son is only 10 years old and I dont have experience making this transition myself, I reached out to Dr. Sam Goldstein, assistant clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Utah School of Medicine (with expertise in school psychology, child development, and neuropsychology), for his thoughts. He says the first place to start is by examining what your expectations are for the relationships with your kidsand then recognizing that they will be the ones to define how these relationships function going forward. How to define a relationship with your adult children  He cant define the basis for their relationship; that has to come from kids, says Goldstein, co-author of the book Tenacity in Children: Nurturing the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success. He can make himself available and he can provide support ... but he has to understand that his kids are now adults, and they will make decisions about the nature of the relationship what they talk about, how in-depth they discuss things, how often they talk, and how often they see each other.  Advertisement  That doesnt mean, though, that you cant have reasonable expectations for what your future relationship will look like, and voice those hopes and expectations to your sons. It sounds like the dynamics in your relationship with each young man are different, so the depth with which you communicate or the frequency with which you see them might be different for each, and thats okay. With the son who is at college, Goldstein says a weekly Zoom call might make sense, so youve got dedicated time to catch up on how school is going for him, what he and his friends have been up to, and whats new at home with you. This might seem awkward at firstall Zoom calls arebut the regularity of it (without forcing it) can help you fall into a comfortable rhythm. You might even pick a time of the week to watch a favorite show together, to mimic that hanging out side-by-side mode that worked well for you both in the past and takes the pressure off the constant conversation. With the son who is local, you could lean in on a hobby you both enjoy, whether thats golfing, or going to see the latest movie, or even meeting for a weekly breakfast date at your favorite diner. Building in some structure or repetition to the time you spend together can mimic the old visitation schedule without it feeling forced. At the same time, if theyre busy (and they very likely are), its important to be understanding and not push them to communicate more than they areif your relationship is strong, theyll come to you when they need you. Beyond that, Goldstein says your job right nowand from now onis to practice what he calls the three Ps.  Advertisement  Pride, patience, and persistence  Goldstein has two biological children and three step children that he helped raise, and he says his relationship with each of them, and the regularity with which he communicates with or sees each of them, is different. And thats okayas long as youre vocalizing your pride, youre being patient, and youre remaining persistent. He has to be proud of the accomplishments of his kids and let them know that, he says. He has to be patient as they negotiate transitioning into adulthood. And he has to be persistentnot a pain in the neck, but persistent[assuring them] that, I want to have a relationship with you.  In other words, be a rock. Support them and keep showing up when invited (and do some inviting yourself). Over time, the dynamics of your relationships will work themselves out. Send your question in to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with the subject line Parental Advisory, and well get you the answersstraight from the experts. Advertisement