What's the best way to set up ground rules for a hall pass?
Graphic : Libby McGuire  Im a 19-year-old girl who was dumped few months ago. My partner found out he didnt like my body when we were having sex for the first time and he told me right after. We were actually still in bed naked when he told me. He kept cuddling me to make me feel a bit better but it still hurt to hear. Other than slight doubts about genitals and my face (I have Asian features and having my face and living in a western country isnt always easy), I didnt go into that experience expecting to be rejected. We had talked about all the sexual stuff we wanted to do and he had previously told me I was attractive and thicc and paid me other compliments. Undressing for someone and then being rejected was devastating and I dont have other experiences to weigh this one against and take reassurance from. My self-esteem dropped. I know his tastes and preferences shouldnt be a problem for me now, since we are no longer together, but I cant stop thinking about them. Ive known him for five years. He means a lot to me and we want to continue to be friends. I wish someone had told me that having sex with someone isnt a guarantee that everything will always work out. (Having sex with them being sexually open and generous and having nice tits too!) I started therapy but I also wanted some advice from you. Advertisement  Babe Only Desires Intuitive Emotional Support  People who are brutally honest generally enjoy the brutality more than the honesty.  The late Canadian humorist and newspaper columnist Richard Needham wasnt talking about your ex-whatever-he-was when he made that observation, BODIES, but he couldve been. Yeah, yeah: Sometimes we only realize we arent as attracted to someone as we thought until after weve slept with that person. Thats sadly the case sometimes. But your ex-whatevers comments were so gratuitously cruel, BODIES, that its hard to avoid concluding (if I may borrow a phrase) that cruelty was the point. He couldve and shouldve given you a million other reasons why he didnt want to sleep with you againthis may be one of those rare instances where ghosting wouldve been kinder. At the very least, he shouldve given you a chance to get dressed before he let you know he wasnt interested in having sex with you again. That your very first sex partner chose to brutalize you like thisthat he didnt make the slightest effort to spare your feelingsis an almost unforgivable betrayal. Unless this boy is somewhere on the spectrum and has difficultly anticipating how a direct statement might hurt another persons feelings, BODIES, theres no excuse for what he did. Sticking around to cuddle after saying that shit isnt proof hes a good person. The arsonist who sticks around to piss on your house after setting it on fire isnt being kind, BODIES, hes warming his dick by the fire and enjoying the blaze. Please know that being rejected by someone doesnt mean theres anything wrong with your body, BODIES, or with your genitals or your face or your race or your features. Swiping right on someone who didnt swipe right on you or sleeping with someone who doesnt want to sleep with you again isnt proof youre flawed or unattractive. It just means youre not right for that particular person, BODIES, and for reasons particular to that person. Rejection sucks and it always hurts and for that reason we should strive to be as considerate as possible when we have to reject someone. Considerate but clear, considerate but unambiguous, but always considerate. And what this guy did to younot even letting you get dressed firstwas as inconsiderate as possible and you have every right to be angry with him. If you had to get a therapist after sleeping with someone, its a pretty good indication that person should have no place in your lifeas a lover or a friendgoing forward. Keep seeing your shrink, BODIES, and stop talking to this asshole. Advertisement  Ive gone through many variations of relationships, from monogamous to open. So, I find myself a bit perplexed and troubled by a statement she made. She was in a relationship prior to the one with me and the person she was with wanted to be free to do as he wished sexually. She told him that was fine so long as he used protection and she didnt know about it. Apparently that worked so well for her that she made me the same offer after we decided to become sexually exclusive: She told me to use protection if I should ever cheat and not to tell her about it. At first I was like, Cool, but Im not going to cheat, but now I find myself thinking about it. And if I do cheat I will use protection and keep it to myself, per her request. I have a high sex drive and a history of parental neglect and abuse. I find that I seek validation from women and I have a fairly good idea that its due to what I endured from my mother. Weve only been seeing each other for a few months since we have been dating and I do love her. I know people often get caughteven with a hall passand I dont want to lose her because of this. I want to make peace with never being with another person or with using the hall pass Ive been given. Advertisement  Hesitant About Lying Lest Partners Anger Sabotages Situation  You can make all the peace you want with being monogamous, HALLPASS, but that wont make being monogamous any easier for you. Advertisement  Zooming out for a second: Your desire to have sex with more than one person might have something to do with the trauma you suffered in childhood or it might not. A lot of people have high sex drives and risk-taking personalities and a desire for variety and not all of them were neglected or abused as children. But the culture encourages people who dont wanna be monogamous (thats a lot of people) or who find monogamy difficult (thats everybody else) to see themselves as damaged. And yet were told that monogamy is always easy for people who are emotionally healthywhich is a lieand then we waste time digging through our childhood histories for something that might explain why this thing thats supposed to be easymonogamyis so hard for us. (Spoiler: its hard for almost everyone.) Its a waste of time, HALLPASS. You can and should see a therapist to help you work through the trauma you suffered as a child, of course, but dont waste your time with a therapist who pathologizes your relatively normal desires or seeks to assign blame for them. Your new girlfriend has been perfectly clearshe doesnt care if you cheat so long as you use protection and she doesnt find out about itbut you need additional clarity. If finding out you used the hall pass she gave you is something she couldnt forgive, HALLPASS, then you obviously cant use it without risking the relationship. (Youre right: people get caught.) Additionally, if thats really how she feels, then your girlfriend shouldnt be handing out hall passes in the first place. But if cheating is something she could tolerateso long as protection was used and some consideration was shown for her feelings, i.e., you at least attempted to be discreet/keep it from herthen you dont have to hand in that hall pass. Advertisement  mail@savagelove.net  Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage  www.savagelovecast.com