Should I let my son see a relative who is on the sex offender register?
A few years ago, my brother-in-law was arrested, cautioned and placed on the sex offender register (SOR) for two years, for downloading child abuse images. He denies it, saying it was an accidental click. Our child is of primary-school age, and my only priority is to ensure his safety. I explained to my husband that our son and I would no longer be meeting my brother-in-law. (I have never liked the man; in the past, he has threatened violence against his own teenage children.) My husband thinks Im overreacting and that our child would be in no danger. My brother-in-laws wife has also tried to persuade me to let our families meet. She hasnt told her husband that we know about his arrest, and wants to avoid the awkward excuses about why we no longer attend family events if we know he is going to be there. The difficulty is that my husbands view differs from mine. I have said that hes free to see our brother-in-law, but without me and our son. My husband feels he cant do this; he says he cant make excuses for our absence, because he cant let on that we know about the arrest. It feels as if Im the one being punished. My parents-in-law believe I should forgive and forget, as they have done. (My other brother-in-law shares my view and also doesnt attend any family occasions if the offending man is there.) I intend to explain to my son, when he reaches an appropriate age, why we havent seen his uncle over the years, so that we dont keep this secret; I know my husband will be angry about that. Your longer letter painted a damning picture of your brother-in-law. I can see this is a very difficult situation for you, but, as you say, your priority is your son, and everything else has to follow from that. Your instincts seem strong in this, and I think they are worth listening to. He sounds very powerful. I consulted the NSPCC and a child psychotherapist. The NSPCC pointed out that when someone is placed on the SOR, there are often restrictions with regard to offenders having contact with children. But I appreciate this may be difficult for you to check. Given what youve told me about the issues between you and your husband, you might want to consider a family mediator (see links below). Your husband perhaps needs a place to explore why he feels caught in the middle. (Even more reason not to let your son see him.) Although the issue youve written about centres on you and your husband, I would also like to flag up that because your brother-in-law has children to whom he has threatened violence, it would be within your right to talk to childrens services about this. There are other organisations you can contact if you wanted to talk through any concerns. Ive put these at the bottom of this column. Child psychotherapist Ryan Lowe wasnt surprised you wanted to keep away. He said: You cant be sure you can protect your son if you dont know all the facts, and you cant have the facts if no one is prepared to talk about them.  In terms of talking to your son about this, Lowe advised saying something along the lines of: his uncle was arrested for something, youre not clear what, and as a result it feels safer not to be in touch with him. Lowe counselled against (at this stage) going into the actual charges. He added: This can be done with quite a light touch. However, thats only possible if you and your husband have resolved this between you, and youre not full of anger and resentment.  What you dont want to happen is for you both to come at this with differing stories, or use the time spent explaining to your son as an opportunity to score points off each other. So its crucial you and your husband unite, and I think mediation will help that. Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, a new podcast series, is available here  Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, a new podcast series, is available here