Should I e-mail my ex for closure?
Basically, he broke my heart about a year ago, and I havent fully moved on. We genuinely tried to remain friends (and did for a while). I loved him and always hoped wed get back together when his schedule settled down, since his reasons for the breakup were timing and overcommitment (work, graduate school, etc.). This past winter, a mutual friend told me hes been dating someone, despite having more commitments than when we were together (new pet, new job, more advanced coursework, etc.) Im genuinely not trying to interfere with their relationship  hes proven that we arent the right fit. I just cant help but feel theres more to the breakup than what he told me, given that hes apparently becoming serious with his new GF. But Ive never loved someone so unconditionally, and I feel blindsided about the new GF. (He called me and we talked for 1 hours the night before I found out, and he never brought it up. And I havent heard from him since, which hurts.) I hope hearing the truth would help me fully move on. Advertisement  From my perspective, the biggest issue in our relationship was that hed freeze around difficult conversations, so I often felt unheard or dismissed. A closure e-mail would allow me to speak up about certain situations that got shut down. Im not angry; I just want him to know why certain events were so painful, and for him to be honest with me if were going to consider rebuilding a friendship. But knowing his aversion to tough convos, he may not even read it, much less respond. Thanks! Advertisement  HEARTBREAK  A. The biggest issue in our relationship was that hed freeze around difficult conversations.  That explains why he decided not to tell you the most important reason for the breakup  that his feelings werent strong enough to make it work. By not telling you that hurtful thing, he implied that when things calmed down, you might get back together. That did you no favors. Im so busy  and this relationship isnt feeling like forever. I want you to have the space you need to focus on yourself because thats what Im going to do. Im sorry. It would have been hard to hear, but at least youd have known it was time to let go. If you want to write him an e-mail, go ahead. Write it, read it to yourself, then sit on it for a few days. If you still want to send it, wait a few more days and then decide. But the letter is for you, not him. Dont expect a reply or ask for one. Also know that friendship shouldnt be on the table right now. You loved this person  unconditionally! You just heard hes seeing someone new, despite him being busier than ever. Advertisement  Later, if it makes sense to try some kind of relationship, you can start from scratch and talk about whatever you need in that moment (more honesty, etc.). For now, though, take some time, grieve the end of this (writing your letter is part of that process), and block him however you can. The best closure comes from being great to yourself. MEREDITH      READERS RESPOND:  Theres no reason to e-mail him. You wont get the response youre looking for (if he responds at all) and youll just be embarrassed and angry. CONCERNEDCITIZENONDUTY      Sounds like he let you down easy. Do not send that e-mail  you will never get the answers you want from your ex. Closure is about you accepting what happened and moving on. SURFERROSA      Dont dwell on it, dont write the e-mail, and definitely dont send it. You dont need to speak up about certain situations because you are not together anymore and it doesnt matter. He doesnt have to hear you, and it will change nothing. Your ex is not so special. So you found out he was too busy to be with you but not with somebody else. You dont need to dissect anything to point out the hypocrisy; its loud and clear. He disappointed you as a person. Maybe thats what you need to let go of: your vision of him as a worthy partner. Its not a match. Advertisement  PINKDRINK      You liked him way more than he liked you. But he wanted to be polite so he used timing as a vague excuse. He didnt miss you and moved on. He met someone he thought was a better fit than you, be it she was nicer, smarter, hotter, funnier, whatever, take your pick. Hes not even thinking about you now. Hes very happy. LUPELOVE      ^You seem like a real nice person, as harsh as the above comment may sound, its spot on. That does not mean that you will not find another person who would reciprocate your love and more. Go out there and enjoy life without thinking about this guy. Just remember, if he ever had semblance of love for you, when you find yourself in a relationship, he will most likely come crawling back. DONT FALL FOR THAT, but savor that moment. To taste that moment, you need to go out there and meet someone. What are you waiting for! TOADSTER  Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldsteins Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.