What Should I Do With These Mysterious Cremains?
Photo : Luca Iannuzzi ( Shutterstock )  Not all advice need be professional. Sometimes your problems merit a bit of unvarnished honesty from a dude equipped with nothing more than a computer and a conscience. Luckily for you, Im that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. Advertisement  Today were discussing a peculiar dilemma most people will (probably) never face : What to do with the ashen remains of someone or something that have mysteriously come into your possession. Note: Im a columnist, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be taken with that in mind. If you have a problem with anything I say, file a complaint here. Now, on to todays letter. Dear Sam, I have an ethical dilemma and maybe you can help resolve it. My husband and I recently moved. In unpacking and sorting through our household possessions, I discovered a plastic bag full of cremains. The problem is that I dont know whose they are. Many items were stored away as we didnt have room for them in our old house. This move has disinterred a number of things wed forgotten, including these ashes. There are no identifying markers or tags among the ashes, so we cant identify them, but there are three possibilities:  We had a beloved canine cremated many years ago, and my kids and I scattered the ashes on a hilltop where we used to go for family walks, but maybe not all of them were scattered. I dimly recall promising to save some for my ex-husband to scatter. But I remember not wanting him to have any part of the memorial for the dog, so it makes sense that they wouldnt be left over from him. A dear friend of mine also game me some of her husbands ashes for safekeeping while her housing situation was unstable following a fire and she lived with me, so they could also be his. I thought I had returned them all to her at one point, but I do remember there were two bags of ashes as she was planning on scattering them at various locations. Id be embarrassed to tell her, but shes pretty chill and would probably just find it humorous and welcome the opportunity to remember her husband again. Finally, my husband thinks they could be his ex-MILs. His ex wife brought them home with her, but they havent spoken in about 20 years. Do I go to the trouble of having them tested (is that even possible?) Given that we supposedly share 60% of our DNA with bananas, I dont want to pursue what might be a completely fruitless (excuse me) exercise. You can probably tell were not skeeved out about having unknown ashes in a teapot in our kitchen, but we do want to do something about them, now that weve found them. But what?! Signed,  Ashes to ashes  Dear Ashes to Ashes,  Wow, what a predicament youve got, uh, brewing . Usually people in possession of ashes know where they came from. T hats heavy. Our l oved ones really can haunt us after theyre gone , or at least cause us to fret over bizarre ethical dilemmas. This situation is funny in a way that recalls the cast of Monty Python knocking over an urn that supposedly contained the ashes of their co-conspirator Graham Chapman in front of a live audience (though thats exactly what you dont want to do). In a way, what youve stumbled upon is kind of beautiful: You hold in your possession a symbol of a life completed a life that has passed into a realm truly unknowable to humans. And from what I gather, whether human or animal, all of the lives that could potentially belong to this pile of ash really meant something to you and your husband. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the transient nature of human and animal life,  and y oure arguably lucky, in the sense that you have in your possession a capsule s ymbolic of lifes universal mystery . Regardless of who/what is inside this vessel, it represents both the impermanence of life and the unknowable enigma of death, your own Tomb of The Unknown Soldier (in a teapot) . The first thing to consider is whether you need to do anything at all. N o one death is more or less important than another, even if the deceased is anonymous. T he possibility you are holding onto a physical representation of one of the lives you mentioned undoubtedly evokes memories of those beings . Maybe those memories are painful, or maybe theyre nostalgic, or make you laugh. K eeping the remains in a receptacle somewhere in your home, then, could be an ever-present reminder of lifes fragility, and the importance of savoring our experiences with others before (and after) theyre gone . W e all only have so much time until we too are ashes in an urn (metaphorically or literally) . You could, theoretically, pay for a DNA test, but the results might be unclear, as sequencing ashes is nowhere as easy as performing a DNA test on an exhumed body, not to mention a living person . (O nline opinion on DNA testing for cremated remains is divided, so do your research if you really want to go down this road ). Another option might be asking your friend or your husbands ex-wife if they have more specific memories of these ashes , but that also might be fruitless. Scattering them somewhere beautiful is always a good option, though in this instance, it might serve more as an act of housekeeping than a tribute paid to an anonymous beings life and legacy. Either way, think it over, and do what will give you peace of mind.