Which E3 Character Makes For the Most Cunning Linguist?
And now, for absolutely no reason at all (thanks Batman), heres a bunch of characters we saw at E3 along with expert analysis as to whether or not they go down on folks with vaginas. As you can no doubt tell: This will be a deeply Not Safe For Work blog. Mario  Screenshot: Nintendo  Im conflicted on whether the star of Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope consumes the kitty. Theres part of me that wants to say no, and award the title of Best Bush-Eating Mario Brother to Luigi, who seems like hed be a natural. However! At the beginning of Super Mario 64, Princess Peach, out of the blue, invited Mario over because she baked a cake for him. Now, I dont know about you, but a bad bitch like Peach aint baking for nobody that dont do right by her in the bedchamber. Verdict: Yes, but hes merely adequate at it. Luigi  Image: Nintendo / Kotaku  Im similarly conflicted about Luigi. My heart of hearts wants to give Luigi a standing Ovation for Oral. He just seems like the nice, shy guy who knows how to orally please people with pussies. However! Thanks to intrepid reporters of Kotakus past we know a little bit about Luigis dong. At about 3.7 inches flaccid, hes not packing serious heat but theres just enough there that Luigi Mario might be considered slightly above average. And judging from the prevailing stereotype that cis dudes with decent dicks like to coast on their endowments rather than develop skills outside of the jackhammer, maybe Luigi isnt the mouth maestro I want him to be. Verdict: Maybe. Theres evidence to suggest either theory. Wario  Image: Nintendo  Once again, my gut pulled me in one direction and my head in another. Wario, at first blush, seems like the dude who totally chows down. In almost every screen you see him in, his mouth is wide open, tongue lolling out. But (and theres always a butt with Wario) my colleagues pointed out how greedy Wario is. Hes selfish and gluttonous and only wants whats in his best interest. Plus he eats a lot of garlic, no one in the coochie constituent wants that near their nethers. Verdict: Signs point to no. Waluigi  Image: Nintendo  There is no doubt in my mind that Waluigi is a phenomenal pussy pleaser. Like no doubt. Look at him in the latest Mario Golf: Super Rush trailer. Those shoes! That hat! This guy fucks, and very well at that. Verdict: Emphatically yes. Alex Chen  Screenshot: Square Enix  Alex Chen from Life Is Strange: True Colours looks like a sweet girl still early in her life as an out bisexual. I think shed be a little nervous about oral sex but would, in time, come to enjoy it. Verdict: Yes, and shed stammer and blush a lot but itd be really cute and endearing. Peter Quill  Screenshot: Square Enix  Ive been obsessed with Peter Quill from Marvels Guardians of the Galaxy because of this:  Peter Quill is into some freaky shit and I respect the hell out of him for that (something I would never say for the MCU version of Quill). Hes probably obnoxious about it though, insisting that he can only get in the mood to mouth your mound if he can listen to his favourite 80s mixtape while doing it. Expect to hear a lot more Bonnie Tyler than in the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer. Verdict: Yes, absolutely. Link  Image: Nintendo  No. Link has never seen a vagina in his life, but thats ok because in my mind, Link is ace anyway. For those who like to point out his relationship with Mipha in Breath of the Wild as proof Link does in fact fuck, counterpoint: Mipha also does not fuck. Anyway, hes got more pressing concerns, like saving all of Hyrule again in Breath of the Wild 2. (Or uh, does he?) Verdict: No. But Sidon does! (Hes gotta watch those teeth though.) Jack  Screenshot: Square Enix  The protagonist in the exceedingly confusing Stranger of Paradise Final Fantasy Origin is too concerned with CHAOS! to deal with the complexities of pleasing a vagina. Verdict: Cmon, just look at this fuckboi. Master Chief  Image: Bungie / 343 Industries  No. Absolutely not. Halo Infinites Master Chief has never even seen a vagina in a sexual context. Besides, between the rumours that his suit is the only lover he needs and his questionably close relationship with the incorporeal AI Cortana, Master Chief doesnt need to eat pussy. Verdict: Ahahaha! No. Samus  Image: Nintendo / SNESMaps  Oh hell yeah! My girls always goin on down to Lower Norfair. Verdict: Definitely. A bloodsucker from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2  Screenshot: GSC Game World  Verdict: Yeah we know wat that mouf do. The internet has licked this conversation to death for the last few days. Checkmate, cowards.