Is it ever okay to tell someone they have lost weight?
Something seen as positive to some may be detrimental to others (Picture: Getty)  There was a time when I was addicted to being told I had lost weight. Amid the weighted squats, diet plans, scales, and measurements were the little facets of external validation that told me I was doing well. Whether I thought highly of my attempts didnt matter, because at least other people could think that for me. At the start, it felt good. I Iiked being commended for my hard work. But those compliments soon became a desperate need. The gloss and shock of my initial weight loss became old news. When people stopped telling me Id shed a few pounds, my mind went into overdrive, savagely tearing myself apart for not being good enough. Quickly, I realised I wasnt trying to lose weight for myself in the first place; I was doing it because society expected me to. But it got me thinking about the phrase: youve lost weight.  Its a tiny remark said in one breath, often and without thought. Yet, its an observation with myriad connotations for the person on its receiving end. We have all done it. We have all uttered it with good intentions. The weight issue is its proximity and association with body image and, in turn, mental health. According to data published by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE), Beat and Anorexia and Bulimia Care, between 1.25 and 3.4 million people in the UK are affected by an eating disorder. The average age of onset for anorexia nervosa is 16-17 years old, while for bulimia nervosa, that age is 18-19 years old. Youve lost weight may seem a positive endorsement, but it can be a harmful trigger for the individuals behind those statistics. Commenting on someones weight in any way may be triggering (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)  My 12-year-old daughter was diagnosed with anorexia last summer, says Naomi*. And over the last year, there have been so many comments made about her weight  mostly light-hearted compliments from well-meaning people who didnt realise she had an eating disorder. Like the person in the clothes shop who said shed love to have a figure like hers.  Naomi says commenting on ones appearance in such a way only adds to our obsession with being thin and the value we place upon it. Things like, you look really good  have you lost weight? seem so harmless, but it sends the message that thinness is whats valued, she tells Metro.co.uk. Its very dangerous as it can reinforce eating disorder thoughts and behaviours. Whether youre talking to a young person, or a full-grown adult, you have to realise that asking about or commenting on someones weight  whether positively or negatively  is just not appropriate. You wouldnt ask someone if theyd put on a few pounds, so why would you ask if theyd lost weight?  On Twitter, I asked others for their opinions on the matter. The responses were varied. One was a busy young mother of twins dealing with such comments in the aftermath of her childrens birth. For her, the phrases impact depended on how it was said and whether it was rude or coming from a place of genuine concern. Another was a man who said he had previously landed himself in trouble by commenting on someones weight. Now, hell say: Youve lost weight, not that you had any to lose in the first place.  Some suggested that youve lost weight is okay to say when you know an individual is actively trying to lose weight. This is something Dr Deborah Lee, from Dr Fox Online Pharmacy, agrees with. She believes the comment aids those on a weight loss journey, which takes considerable dedication and strength. However, there are caveats to its use. Im a doctor with interest in diet, weight, and nutrition, and my view is that I would only comment on weight loss if it were someone I knew well and also knew they had been trying to lose weight, she says. In that case, its a compliment. If they respond positively, I can congratulate them on how they did it, as losing weight is so hard.  I ask Dr Lee if this affirmation should be repeated only once and explain my personal experiences with the term. She replies that when friends and loved ones say it, the phrase is coming from a place of love and support. Its a tricky area to navigate (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)  Many people who have lost weight are proud of their achievement and want to spread the word and encourage other people to do the same, she explains. Most of us who have tried to lose weight and failed know how hard it is and are genuinely keen to congratulate people where congratulations are due. I think we do get a lot of support from those around us, and it can help someone to hear it on a weight loss journey.  Nevertheless, Dr Lee notes that weight loss can come from unintentional and upsetting reasons, and it is not advisable to comment on someones size without knowing the full context. Weight loss can be a sign of illness  thyroid disease, depression, or cancer, she says. It can be very gauche to wade in with weight loss comments if you know nothing about the person. I wouldnt mention weight to anyone I didnt know well as it is such a sensitive issue  unless they brought the subject up.  Activist Lindsay McGlone, aka The Fierce Fat Feminist, says we need to be more aware of the language we use when it comes to bodies, and that weight loss is not a common goal. When you congratulate someone on their weight loss, you reinforce the idea that someone has to be seen as smaller to be seen as good or correct, she explains. We have to remember that some people dont wish to lose weight and thats okay! We need to be mindful, so we dont further marginalize larger bodies. Its taught to us that when we comment on someones weight loss that its considered a good thing, that its an achievement or progression, and okay, sometimes it is for that individual, but that isnt the truth for everyone.  It would be nonsensical to say that appearance isnt valuable. In todays world, it is a commodity of great power. Entire industries are built on the notion of looking and being better, and while some of this is positive, we must remember that not everyone is living the same life or experiences. The only way we keep things on par is to change how we think, act and speak. Senior therapist Sally Baker reckons commenting on weight and looks is redundant, and we need to do better. Well, its just such an old-fashioned knee-jerk reaction that we focus on how someone looks, she explains. And we need to try harder. Say better things, like I love the way you style your hair these days or you look great in that colour coat. Or even better, comment on someones talent, ability, and personality and avoid any reference to their overall look.  Having worked with patients dealing with eating disorders, Sally understands the power of language. What people say to you is very powerful, she says. So if someone has issues with food and eating disorders, whatever you say to them about their visual appearance, theyre going to decode that, and its going to trigger them.  Its even more important now when life is starting again, and you are seeing people after considerable time apart. Please dont fall into the instinctive reaction of commenting on their weight. Instead, minimise the obsession with the visual and look for authentic connections. Always ask how someone is twice.  For Naomis daughter, things are looking up, but as a mother, she urges people to take note of their words and change the narrative, not only for her child but for others too. Its so deeply ingrained in our society, she tells us. I was always so conscious about not talking about weight or size around my kids, and still, my own daughter got that message from somewhere. We need to compliment people on their hard work or kindness or talents, rather than on their looks, especially not their size.