Which Sibling Has to Do the Eulogy?
I think you should do it. Mom liked you more. Yes, she did. She bought you that BMX bike that you crash into in the woods and was scavenged by juvenile wolves. She gave you a middle name that isnt Alfredo. Also, she told me after she caught me spray painting a sexually explicit game of Pac-Man on the side of the elementary school that she liked you better. The oldest child doesnt have to do it, thats a myth. Of course you believe that, you thought you could catch chlamydia from kissing in the dark until you were fourteen. Ill do the next one. Seriously, I promise. All he eats are burnt roast dinners. The charred mashed potato is probably giving him all sorts of fast-acting cancers. I am healthy. I was doing Soul Cycle until my instructor told me I wasnt a good match for his moon sign. Oh my God, Im sorry I did coke at your wedding, let it go. No, obviously we cant let Claira do it. Middle children arent viable for eulogies except in cases of Midwestern gubernatorialship, multiple Nobel Prizes, or extreme attractiveness. Shes growing out her bangs, its not going to happen. Besides, shes very stupid. It was an app where you build your own frozen yogurt order and then keep it in your phone forever to look at when youre bored at work. Clairas a goddamn idiot, bless her soul. Just like her husband who works for Netflix. At dinner parties, hes always asking me if Im still listening and recommending other guests I might like. Its always Dan Levy. I dont want to talk to Dan Levy. Just say something nice. No ones expecting you to be funny for the first time in your life at Moms funeral. Theyll probably be impressed you can read. Hey! Stop hitting me with that. That was Moms favorite dish towel. Its not my fault you had to repeat second-grade English, maybe you should have spent less time on top of the monkey bars pretending you were dead. I had my own problems. Rene wanted to get married in front of the whole fifth grade and I was trying to win the blindfolded tetherball competition. Yes, it was very stressful. My therapist said its the source of my tetherball-related anxiety. You could talk about her passion for life or whatever. She went hiking a lot, maybe theres something in that. Thats probably how you were conceived. Tell that story. Hes a pussy who cant take a joke. Yes, I did hook up with her at your wedding, but, in my defense, I was on a lot of coke. Its fine, shes adopted. Dont tell her that, though. No, absolutely not. He talks too fast. I know hes an auctioneer, but, jeez, dude, dont take it home. Although, we could make some money if he starts selling the floral arrangements and pews. Theres no object section of a eulogy. Trust me, Ive tried. Fine. Not Gadan. Ill just hock the pews post-ceremony while yall are doing your thing with the dirt. We need someone with actual speech-giving experience. Maybe we could get Dan Levy to do it.