# Tim Dowling: seven squeaky dog balls equals seven degrees of hell

The sound the toys make mimic the plaintive cries of wounded creatures, exposing our pooch’s uncontrollable sadism

My wife derives grim satisfaction from buying dog toys that advertise their indestructibility, and then watching as the dog destroys them, often within hours of their purchase.

“What came with a one-year guarantee,” she says, pointing to the fragments littering the rug.

“What was it?” I say.

“I can’t even remember now,” she says. “A lobster or something.”

The dog reduces heavy duty rubber bones to tiny pellets, and rope toys to threads. A lot of allegedly durable dog toys are made to resemble a dead animal – a squirrel, say, or a duck – with some kind of crinkly material inside that mimics the sound of small bones breaking. They’re clearly designed to be tortured at length, but the dog is only interested in their immediate dismemberment.

During her quest my wife accidentally discovers a straightforward dog ball with a squeaker in it. We have had many balls before, but this one is different: it squeals when you squeeze it, and it also squeals when you unsqueeze it. Instead of chewing it to bits, the dog alternates between applying and releasing pressure, eliciting the continuous piercing cry of a small mammal in distress.

“Then it’s a game of cat and mouse,” she says. “I can’t even remember what it was!”

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a sudden half-somersault, as if someone has jerked its invisible chain, and then comes haring back at me so fast I have to throw the ball away as a precaution against collision.

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.

The dog does a突然半跳跃，仿佛被人突然打翻了。

“Answer me!” I say. The dog looks at me, then at the kite, which flaps along the playing field like a wounded bird.

“Ugh,” I say. “I thought dogs were supposed to have bad eyesight. Don’t even think about …”

But the dog is already racing off. Before I can think, it has covered half the ground between me, the faraway dog and its as yet unaware owner. I pull the ball from my pocket and squeeze it twice.
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