# Going to the gym gives me so much more than the physique I want, even if body dysmorphia lingers

I feel more focused and energetic than ever before. But as I have changed, so has my algorithm

For almost my entire life I hated how I looked.

I was by no means unhealthy but a youth spent playing video games and eating heaping mounds of white rice meant I was far from the models, superheroes and movie stars I looked up to.

One day my doctor said that while I was still within acceptable levels of body fat, I could stand to lose some centimetres around the waist and drop a few kilos.

To say the motivation there was solely health-related would be a lie. I am after all a gay man and it’s no secret we have always idolised the kind of male body that spends five days a week in the gym. According to research,  for gay men. If my experience on Grindr has taught me anything, it rarely mattered what you had to say or even how handsome you were – the bigger the muscles and leaner the abs, the more attention you got.

So it was on these fertile but perhaps not the most mentally healthy grounds I began my fitness journey. I tracked all my calories. I substituted chicken thigh for breast. I weighed every gram of rice I ate. I started hitting the gym five to six times a week. I lifted heavy and walked more.

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When I step in front of the mirror, a similar thing happens. There are so many new things about my body I had never noticed before – pectoral muscles and deltoids – but there are other things that stand out, including my belly or love handles. Actually, while we’re on this point, why are my arms still so scrawny? And why do my chest insertions look like that?

It’s no surprise to me then that  and that thousands of students are hopping on performance- and image-enhancing drugs (PIEDs). There’s a whole category of slang that comes with it – gear or juice, as the kids call it. Some congregate on a Subreddit dedicated to discerning whether someone is on juice or is a natural athlete – or natty as they call it. But it’s almost impossible to tell who is on gear on social media. There’s every likelihood they are genetically gifted athletes – able to put on muscle and stay lean all year round – but it’s just as likely they turned to PIEDs for their step up.

I sometimes stand in front of the mirror wondering if I will ever achieve the body I’ve always dreamed of. Regardless, I will keep going to the gym diligently because training gives me so much more than just the physique I want. I am more focused and energetic than ever before – even if body dysmorphia lingers in the back of my head.
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