# What couples need to know about desire: ‘There’s no right or healthy amount of sex’

Desire discrepancy is one of the most common reasons couples come to certified sex and relationship practitioner **Georgia Grace**. Solving the issue means challenging false assumptions.

Couples assume I’ll tell them to have sex every single night, or schedule it in their shared iCal. Most people think the solution is to “just do it more”. This isn’t the case. To resolve a sexual impasse, we need to step back and understand what desire is, what’s affecting it, and how a couple can create more mutual pleasure.

## What is desire?





Desire is a longing, wanting, or motivation for sex. At times it may feel existentially threatening, like hunger or thirst, but unlike food and water, not getting enough sex is not going to kill you. Understanding that there’s no “right” or “healthy” amount of sex is essential, which is why in session we challenge words like “mismatched”. You’re not necessarily in a mismatched relationship just because you don’t want to have sex at the same time.

I’ve found these assumptions often assign the blame to the person with lower desire. They can feel that they’re the one with the problem, and may even turn up to a session on their own, leaving the partner with the self-proclaimed “high sex drive” at home. We’ve been socialised to think that the person who wants sex is normal, but desire discrepancy is a relational concern. Both people have contributed to the sexual dynamic, which means both people need to be in a session if they want to make progress.

Couples need to work together to manage and remove some of those turn-offs. On a practical level that may mean sharing the mental load, taking more time to build arousal before jumping into sex, or working on conflict resolution skills. Couples also need to engage in more turn-ons: doing things with and for each other that feel sexually exciting.

## Creating more pleasure





Often, the person with lower desire for sex is so cautious about giving their partner the “wrong idea”, they withdraw any kind of sensual or sexual intimacy. They stop kissing their partner, they stop telling them they look good, they stop touching them. They fear that if they do any of these things, it may suggest sex is on the table, which means they’ll have to go through the guilt-ridden process of saying no – again. In these cases I assign an experiment: don’t have sex for a month and instead explore moments of pleasure. This removes the pressure and couples start doing things that feel comfortable and doable: kissing on the couch, showering together, sending flirty texts, sharing fantasies, reading erotica together.

When I suggest this experiment I’m met with a blend of scepticism and relief. They are hesitant to take sex off the cards. Some fear they will get too comfortable and never have sex again. But their relief is enough to motivate them, which quickly turns to excitement when they realise they actually _want_ to be sexual with their partner. Feeling excited about dry-humping on the couch for 30 minutes can be enough to reassure someone their desire isn’t dead. After doing this experiment, couples come back to session saying they are more sexually fulfilled, more connected, and that they’ve started to desire more.

The most sexually fulfilled long-term couples are the ones who define sex as being about pleasure, rather than penetration, and who engage in frequent and playful sexual moments. They are more sexually satisfied than couples who have frequent and unfulfilling penetrative sex. These couples value sex, agree it’s important for their relationship, and recognise it may not always be front of mind, and that it may change over time.

They also commit to doing things that feel pleasurable for themselves and their partner. By staying in bed on a Saturday morning rather than going to the gym, leaving the washing pile for an extra hour, and sharing the mental load so that both people can access more pleasure without the burden of stress, these couples prioritise sexual intimacy. They set dates and have sex before they go out, because they know they’ll be too tired and full by 10pm. They try to make sex about fun, pleasure, and feeling good, rather than about performance and pressure.

I see firsthand how distressing desire discrepancy can be, but I also see couples who walk into my practice feeling hopeless and lost then leave feeling connected and more sexually satisfied. They inch closer to each other on the couch and even hold hands through the tricky bits. You are not broken if you’re struggling with sex, but you will need to do things differently if you want it to change.

- , published by HarperCollins. She is speaking at  on 5 April](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/10/sexual-desire-discrepancy-sdd-what-couples-partners-need-to-know-about-sex)
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